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Barack Obama has unveiled a new plan for equitable consumption and distribution of global energy, aimed to level the playing field and give Americans a realistic chance to become accepted as equals by members of the global community. "If you were born a sheepherder in a nomadic village in Sub Saharan Africa, why shouldn't you be getting the same quotas of gasoline, food, and electricity as an American consumer?" explains Iona Morningwood, Senior Policy Advisor on matters of resource allowance for the Obama campaign. |
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American automakers responded with great enthusiasm to yesterday's decision by General Motors to compost its gas-guzzling business model and close four pickup truck and SUV plants - a unilateral gesture of good will towards the environment that will result in 10,000 lost jobs. The automaker communities are widely celebrating the event with eco-friendly block parties, Earth fairs, outdoor concerts of New Age music, drum circles in the wilderness, meditations, body painting, and unrhymed poetry readings that venerate the earth as a living, spiritual being that feels pain when it is bring drilled for oil. |
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On May 2, Chile's Chaiten Volcano released a gigantic cloud of emissions composed of ash, steam, smoke, and various oddball gases whose estimated amount equals to one trillion cow farts, a UN-sponsored climate change study revealed. "In just one day, this volcano set the Kyoto Protocol back 15 years, obliterating the otherwise outstanding success of our multi-billion dollar efforts to curb the release of cow farts into the atmosphere," complained Chairman of Intergovernmental Panel on Cow Farts (IPCF) Rajendra K. Pachauri at an emergency conference at Grand Plaza Hotel in New York yesterday. "Therefore, we demand that this eruption be considered unscientific and thus disqualified from inclusion into climate change models. Need I mention that it wasn't sanctioned by the the United Nations?" |
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Industrial Nations Threaten Globe Again |
Earth Day:
a day of action to save the earth from farmers, ranchers, mining, timber, oil, chemical companies, and anyone else who seeks to utilize the earth's resources to enhance, enrich, and extend the lives of Americans and others worldwide. Characterized by the media's massive awareness drive to (a) remind the world that American capitalists are raping the earth and stealing its riches, thus causing all of the planet's environmental problems; (b) advocate a greater government control of land, resources, and industries; and (c) increase the constantly growing white male guilt levels. A great way to politicize spring cleaning and give an ideological rationalization for the rebirth of nature.(From The People's Glossary)

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It is a scientific fact that Global Warming provides the means for the ignorant to declare with absolute certainty that they know the unknowable -- Laika The Space Dog Since man-made Global Warming is becoming increasingly unknowable and avoids being accurately measured, progressive scientists are working hard on new arguments to convince the masses in the necessity to believe in it. In lieu of objective criteria it boils down to a simple matter of faith: Global Warming is, or It is not. But to which side shall the progressive masses incline? In a stunning breakthrough, researchers at Karl Marx Treatment Center have developed a revolutionary concept of the People's Cube Global Warming Wager which proves that believing in Global Warming is more advantageous than not believing. It's similar to the Pascal's Wager argument, only it's more progressive. |
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Your Excellency: |
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Speaking about free Cadillac-quality medical services from cradle to grave, this baby runs best on ethanol as proven by our Soviet comrades whose extensive research into cheap alcohol-based solutions is well-known. It also shortens the distance between cradle and grave, which saves the government a lot resources. With this in mind we invented a new alternative product that is now quickly replacing Kool-Aid® as preferred mind-altering substance of progressive elites: Corn ethanol based |
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On behalf of The People™, the Party, and the Politburo we express our satisfaction with the Film Academy for staying within the constrains of the narrowly defined Party line while delivering a correct set of Party-approved talking points to the knuckle-dragging American public at the Oscars this Sunday. Some comrades have voiced concerns about this year's lack of inspiring progressive rhetoric, but please remember that the Democrat victory in Congress has marked the beginning of a new era of lukewarm tepidness, which calls for lukewarm and tepid shows in life, politics, and television. The Oscars succeeded in doing exactly that. The polarizing times of Michael Moore are over. Hollywood has been given a new assignment - to soothe and desensitize the previously torn and deliberately wounded nation, reuniting it under the banner of moderation, centrism, multiculturalism, socialism, alternative lifestyles, and Global Warming. |
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The People's Cube has obtained a draft of Al Gore's Oscar acceptance speech to be read in full, uninterrupted by music, at Hollywood's Kodak Theater on Feb. 25. The same speech, with minor adjustments for local weather, will also be delivered in Oslo City Hall on Dec. 10, where Al Gore is hoping to receive a Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts in putting Global Warming on the front burner of class struggle. Below is the full text of Al Gore's speech: |

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Fight against climate change has taken a new dimension Monday as a new legal defense group, Spiritual Lawyers Against Natural Disasters (SLAND), initiated international class-action litigation against God for the environmental destruction and Global Warming that has resulted from acts that He has caused to occur. "For many years enviro-activists, spearheaded by Al Gore and financed by trial lawyers, have been pointing to human greed, oil industries, and Western capitalism-based societies as the main causes of Global Warming," said SLAND lead attorney and Executive Director, Peacedove Handwring at a press conference. "While all these factors are a fine cause for international insurance litigation, the primary culprit of climate change that is more powerful and more difficult to deal with, has so far escaped attention of our lawyers. That culprit is God." |
![]() Polar bears in Alaska are being forced to adapt to the heat by lazing about on the porches of their caves and drinking all day. |
Senators John McCain and Hillary Clinton have returned from a high-profile, omni-partisan, and taxpayer-funded fact-finding tour in Alaska, claiming to have found incontrovertible proof that global warming is the result of US imperialism. "Go up to places like we just came from, it's a little scary," Senator McCain (R-AZ) asserted. "Green grass, wildflowers, even trees! Yet I clearly remember from the movie "Snow Dogs" starring award-winning Cuba Gooding Jr. that Alaska used to be covered with snow!" |
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Inspired by President Bush's new initiative to switch from "addictive oil" to less addictive, healthier energy sources, a team of crack researchers at the Halliburton labs have discovered a new powerful source of energy that is cheaper and more reliable than wind, water, or ethanol - and is widely available in the United States. The new power-generating technology, dubbed "People Power" utilizes the metaphysical energy of the revolutionary masses (also known as "hatred of capitalist pigs"), extracting progressive energy from highly charged individuals, and converting the "discharge" into clean electrical power. As such, it may reconcile opposing political ideologies by both eliminating industrial pollution and generating unlimited profit for capitalist entrepreneurs. And it is absolutely non-addictive. |
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As Americans are trying to come to grips with nature's attack on the Gulf Coast, reports are growing about an increased level of hate crimes against environment in US cities and rural areas. In Georgia, a man was arrested for screaming environmental slurs at the passing clouds and threatening them with a shotgun, while in other areas local residents were seen "accidentally" ramming trees, rocks, and flowery hedges with their cars, trucks, and SUVs. No warm fuzzy feelings remain towards the environment in the states of Mississippi and Louisiana. A couple driving a car with a bumper sticker that said "Nature Lovers" were dragged out of the vehicle and beaten with sticks by a gang of angry neighbors. |
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The masses often ask me, "Comrade Gore, why not power our houses by collecting the static electricity created by rubbing woolens and balloons against our hair and skin? Is this not the true People's Power that will end forever the greed and oppression of Big Electricity by giving them a jolt of the Revolution?" Here's my answer. I came up with it during one of my Leer Jet trips to Asia. The place was crawling with useless, carbon-breathing babies. The babies are the ultimate mindless consumers. They don't contribute anything to society except waste, gas, noise, and general disturbance... |
"Had Bush signed the Kyoto Treaty last night as the hurricane approached, it would have been turned aside, for Science is Forgiving, Merciful!" roared the ultraprogressive pulpiter who is sometimes criticized for interpreting scientific texts too literally. "But Bush and Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour went against science, they sealed their ears to Science's prophets, and for that Science unleashed its wrath on the unbelievers! Hell shall be their home: an evil fate!" "It is a mortal sin to think that Science is open to interpretation, that scientific phenomena can mean more than one thing, or that Climate Change has a million factors! That would be just as bad as the ludicrous literal interpretation of Scripture by Christians!" Kennedy went on. "Fight those who do not profess the true faith! Remember that Science gives firmness to the believers, and it instills terror into the hearts of the unbelievers!" |
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As widely anticipated hurricane Ernesto disaster failed to materialize, media networks are growing increasingly frustrated with the Bush Administration's handling of everything. "I prepared a perfectly credible report on the connection between hurricanes, Global Warming, racism, and Prescott Bush," says devastated CNN newsman Lou Dobbs. "What am I to do now? Report on how Karl Rove's weather machine stopped the hurricane to help Republicans win elections and lower oil prices? Uhm... gotta write that down." |
![]() Al Gore in his living room taking apart Tipper's Blackberry to see what's in it. |
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New York Neighbors for American Values offer to voluntarily behead themselves to prove tolerance to Muslims; rabbi Arthur Waskow offers to self-incinerate in oven instead
The U.N. posthumously awards all French military personal that served during May of 1940 a medal for Courageous Restraint
White House revises policy to announce when President is at work instead of announcing when he is going on vacation
Seattle: sonic booms of fighter jets shatter glass, stimulate economy
Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs
White House: Spanish vacation saved or created 3,427 jobs
Pelosi issues recall of House, citing electoral safety concerns
Obama's lack of cojones a bold-face lie: proof
Elton John Working On Anti-Obama Musical
Congress ceases Pentagon spending, outsources armed forces to China
Shirley Sherrod accepts apology, gets new gov't job in End of Life Counseling
On first visit as Britain's PM, David Cameron chooses a communist state, seeks détente
Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future
GOP challengers promise post-racial presidency after 2012
Doctors: Glenn Beck's worsening eyesight and inability to focus give hope he may yet join other media and follow Obama
Parachuting donkey lands into Vice President's desk, continues business as usual
Obama calls on radical groups to comply with rules for radicals
NAACP condemns racism within al Qaeda: 'We don't have a problem with radicals, we have an issue with their acceptance of white Arab supremacists into their organizations'
Obama denies al-Qaeda stimulus money, redirects funds to 'less racist' man-made disaster management organizations
In view of lasting heat wave, all weather forecasts are temporarily replaced with 'An Inconvenient Truth' infomercials
NAACP strongly denounces The New Black Panthers
Caught in another hateful rant, Mel Gibson apologizes to representatives of hurt communities: Russian mail-order bride community, silicone breast-implant community, slutty clothes designer community, Vegas whore community, rapist community, and personally to Al Sharpton
Europe: Oracle Octopus predicts World Cup winner;
USA: Oracle Dodo predicts economic growth
Today's box office: LeBron knixes New York in a suspense thriller The Field of Nightmares (Tax Them and They Won't Come)

In a last-ditch effort to get popular with Americans, Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan reveals she's a Russian spy, photoshops her face on Anna Chapman's nude photos, wins by a landslide
Portland Tribune to receive Pulitzer Prize for best investigative non-reporting of Al Gore's sexual public service blooper
War on Arizona turns to quagmire; Obama sets timetable on American withdrawal by 2011
MSNBC: Obama's firing McChrystal a positive move to bring long-awaited improvement in oil-spill-affected news coverage
Harry Reid changes name to John F Kennedy in last ditch effort to win re-election
White House spokesman Gibbs clarifies why President's answers to nation's problems seem surreal, bizarre and inappropriate, by comparing reporter's question to a purple polka-dotted people-eater riding a tricycle
Obama: green economy likely to transform America into a leading third world country of the new millennium
President taps Pay Czar for BP payouts to victims: Unions order freighter of champagne
EPA: New climate bill will cost less than a postage stamp a day to those still able to afford a postage stamp
Helen Thomas Gets "Rachel Corrie Golden Bulldozer Award"
Puzzled media: Apparently, Al Gore is pro-drill
Gay Pride parade in Gaza cancels inclusion of Israeli group
Obama blames Bush for screwing up his 'Don't Make Excuses' grad speech in Kalamazoo, Michigan
Helen Thomas to leave US for ancestral Lebanon to no longer be occupier of La Raza's Land
Following phrase scheduled to appear on every Sunday morning news show: 'What Helen actually ment to say was...'
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History

Obama's Deficit Reduction Commission operating in the red
Al Gore: It's a shame that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of polar bears
Democrats introduce bill regulating who can be a politician
BP hires Gaza flotilla peace activists to beat oil back into hole
Obama adopts White House mole, names him 'Guaca' in honor of Mexican president
Blumenthal injured by swiftboating, earns Purple Heart
Spurred by Arizona immigration controversy, Obama Administration moves to secure the border with Canada

Angry drug smugglers and human traffickers become latest group to boycott Arizona over immigration law
CNN: Failed Times Square bomber Faisal Shahzad had links to Pakistani Tea Party movement

President to remove oil slick with effective Toxic Accident Leak Kleaner (TALK), which is cheap and easily spreadable with mass media applicators
Loophole preemptively shuts down three branches of government, coinciding with Obama preemptively shutting down oil production
SEC researchers watch porn, discover ways to self-stimulate economy
Federal gov't sets stage to bail out federal gov't
Obama reaches out to Tea Parties, incorporates their ideas of limited gov't in new multi-trillion dollar stimulus package
Focus group: tanning salon tax disproportionately targets white people
Fidel Castro endorses Joe Biden's comment on passing healthcare reform
Pelosi: Voting one by one is so 18th century

Healthcare summit: Obama reveals he is bipartisan-curious
The new battle cry of Massachusetts: The turncoats are coming!
Crouching Tiger, Slouching Press
Deniers drop tons of foot powder on Washington to emulate snow blizzard during hottest Global Warming winter on record
Radical anti- American leader blames US for Global Warming

Obama's SOTU changes the meaning of "cultivate" to "cultiveight": build up a perception that the current woes are the result of the previous eight years
O's first year in office: 2 million jobs saved, 76 major natural disasters prevented
Dead-Americans claim voter fraud in Massachusetts: cemeteries denied access to polling places, Senator Kennedy demands recount
Defeated in Mass elections, Obama warns against getting a ride from anyone in Kennedy's seat
Mayor Nagin sends 200 school buses to Haiti; Gov. Blanco appointed to oversee construction of Superdome
Closer inspection of Kennedy Seat revealed it's an old car seat with water damage
Unusually cold winter causes liberals to keep hands in OWN pockets
Obama's DHS: Detroit attack 'wardrobe malfunction'
Air Force deploys eavesdropping spy plane codenamed 'Jewish mother'
Seven more women claim to have had lip exchanges with St. Nick underneath mistletoe
Mrs. Claus found standing over bleeding hubby next to wrecked sleigh, holding nutcracker
North Pole shuts down as elves unionize, demand warmer work environment
Time editors still undecided who to select as 'Barack of the Year' in 2009
Obama revolutionizes war: 'leaving' is the new 'victory'
ACORN to change name to CHESTNUT; meaning of new acronym still being debated
Obama's new autobiography tentatively titled Going Rouge
Antartica's Ross Island Detainment Center (RID-C) receives first batch of climate-change skeptics
Obama saves big on high cost of turkey for the troops by delaying Afghan surge until after Thanksgiving
Retailers begin annual cash- in on Christian holiday they refuse to mention by name
Christmas & Healthcare Reform season classic:
It's a Wonderful Death!
NY Times, Newsweek offer editorial inoculations to concerned readers of Sarah Palin's book
Going Rogue: FEMA braces for massive outbreaks of Palin Derangement Syndrome
Following Fort Hood tragedy, Obama declares all military bases gun-free zones
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Study: Global Warming linked to consumption of beans and beef patties
Pro-Obama gamers discover 'cheat codes' in U.S. Constitution
Police trained in using end of life counseling techniques to negotiate suicide threats
Obama commits more troops to War on Fox News, still awaiting Afghan troop surge
Pass Rush: NFL okays Fidel Castro's bid to buy Miami Dolphins
Taliban hires DC lobbyist in effort to get Obama's attention
Study: the road to hell paved with Nobel Peace Prizes
Roman Polanski named new School Safety Czar in wake of Jennings scandal
Charles Manson: 'Leave Polanski alone, hasn't he suffered enough?'
Obama loses Olympic bid, will try for Special Olympics next
Carter: if the IOC doesn't give the Olympics to Chicago, they're racists
Obama: If we don't bomb Iran now, we'll never pass healthcare reform
Missile defense: Czechs angry at Obama for being canceled
Signs of recovery: WH study finds number of searches for 'economic depression' on Google lower than it could have been under FDR
Study: 90% of G20 protestors driven to Pittsburgh by mom
Al Qaeda: 'We shove bombs up our butts'
Saudis: the word 'assassination' will never be the same
Richard Gere denies Al Qaeda membership
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
Ahmadinejad: Iran needs enriched uranium to purchase large IKEA sofa
Mahmoud’s Liquidation Warehouse: 50% off Israel - this weekend only - it won’t last long
Media study: Caucasian toddlers are more likely to cut eye-holes into "blankies"
Democrat strategist: 9 out of 10 white infants prefer cross burning over mother's milk
Obama: Black kids still forced to beat people up at back of bus
Charlie Gibson: Neil Armstrong went where?
Ben and Jerry release 'Hate Monger Bigot' flavor to celebrate those who support traditional marriage
'Shiver me Timbers!': Somalia unveils People's Institute for Redistribution, Adventurism & Thalassic Extortion (PIRATE)
Energy Czar: to save energy, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off
Other 49 states impose carbon tax on California due to wildfire smoke
Following Scotland's lead, US Justice Dept releases Charles Manson, citing battle with chronic hemorrhoids
Taliban sends protesters to Afghan town hall meetings in attempt to get Obama administration to withdraw
White House recalibrates description of town hall protesters from 'terrorists' to 'man-made Nazi fascist pigs'
Experts: when buying Astroturf, remember to look for the Union Label
Drudge insulates self from White House anger by naming his site MoveOn.Drudge

Gotham villains working for the Common Good™

National-socialist health care?
Obamacare is finger-liking good!

buy a T-shirt

Teachable moment: Obama to hold 'beer summit' between offended Post Office and UPS
ABC greenlights epic 12-part miniseries based on Beer Summit
Cambridge: fighting racial bias, Obama picks black scholar Henry Louis Gates as Door Jigging Czar
Obama: white cop acted like inexperienced rookie, but being one I may be biased

Moveon.org petitions Dems to leave Bush/Cheney alone and 'move on to pressing issues facing the nation'
Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!!
On the international front: Obama brings back Cold War, switches sides
Palin: Critics ipso facto are quitters
Obama inherited broken teleprompter from George W Bush
Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate
Honduran ex-president Zelaya holds press- conference, presents birth certificate for examination
Zelaya: we support the democratically-elected President of the USA, even though he has strongly opposed American policies
Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground
Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument
Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life

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Obama hurts a fly, forgets to read Miranda rights
ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional
Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign
DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing'
CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought
Obama to media: Please respect our girls' privacy, especially Mr. Letterman
White House tree commits suicide over economic policy
Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush'
Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse'
In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities
Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools
Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list
Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote
Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind
Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it"
Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals
Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls
Obama's rich supporters chagrined to find he's a class worrior and not the cynical hypocrite they'd counted on
Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever'
Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research'
Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!



Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden
Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu
Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram'
DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberry
Dow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15
WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents use
DHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck
Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank
Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech
Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive
Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"
Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"




Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism
Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism
NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don't leave home without it'
Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans'
After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape
Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh
Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend
Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside
Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes"
Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting booth
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Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge
Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans
Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge
Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention
Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies
MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush'
Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.'
More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers
Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama

Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20
Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America
You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy
Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK.
Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers
Somali pirates hijack international space station
Laika the Space Dog considered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers"
CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
US choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria
US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we'll be a Peace Keeping force
Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check!
Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud

Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan'
Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber
Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them
World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you'
Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail'
Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crash
Dead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN
Biden calls taxes patriotic
Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter
Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine"
Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby

Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter"
Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart
Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked
Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan
Obama beats Hillary to oveted CPUSA endorsement
February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so."
Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag
US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph
Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score
Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected
Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals
International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes
Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years
NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq
Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia
Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached
Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge
Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it.
Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures
Grand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt
Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans?
CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company
Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day:
HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to Hussein
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb?
Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problem
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest
Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake
Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew'
NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station
Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination
Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media
Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans'
Hillary supporters
organize against Obama
Obama: we have always been at peace with Hillary Clinton

Janet Reno congratulates
Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead
Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up
New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar
As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket
Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it
International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma
Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria
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Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children!
Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools
Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich
Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise
Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich





Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope
Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners
Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change
Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday
Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course
Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally
Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare
Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy
Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month
NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes
Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes"
Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment
Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person"
LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead
USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller
Reid: The war on fire is lost
MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home
Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire
Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia
Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California
NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires
USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp
Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity
Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote
London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard
To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam

Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself
Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves
Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time
Va Tech lessons for MSM: ban guns, rich kids
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