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To rule over the guilt-driven nation more efficiently, the Obama administration needs to create the US Department of Guilt - a government agency intended to stimulate and enhance guilt complexes among the population through coordinated guilt-inducing campaigns in the media, entertainment, and public education. 
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Christmas & Healthcare Reform season classic: It's a Wonderful Death!
NY Times, Newsweek offer editorial inoculations to concerned readers of Sarah Palin's book Going Rogue: FEMA braces for massive outbreaks of Palin Derangement Syndrome Following Fort Hood tragedy, Obama declares all military bases gun-free zones Pelosi: we won. Philies: so did we Study: Global Warming linked to consumption of beans and beef patties     Pro-Obama gamers discover 'cheat codes' in U.S. Constitution Police trained in using end of life counselingtechniques to negotiate suicide threats 
Obama commits more troops to War on Fox News, still awaiting Afghan troop surge Pass Rush: NFL okays Fidel Castro's bid to buy Miami Dolphins Study: the road to hell paved with Nobel Peace Prizes  Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize. Wishing all our readers a Happy April First!  Roman Polanski named new School Safety Czar in wake of Jennings scandal Charles Manson: 'Leave Polanski alone, hasn't he suffered enough?'  Obama loses Olympic bid, will try for Special Olympics next Carter: if the IOC doesn't give the Olympics to Chicago, they're racists  Saudis: the word 'assassina- tion' will never be the same Al Qaeda: 'We shove bombs up our butts' Richard Gere denies Al Qaeda membership 
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brainStudy: 90% of G20 protestors driven to Pittsburgh by mom 
Ahmadinejad: Iran needs enriched uranium to purchase large IKEA sofa Obama: If we don't bomb Iran now, we'll never pass healthcare reform Taliban hires DC lobbyist in effort to get Obama's attention Missile defense: Czechs angry at Obama for being canceled 
Media study: Caucasian toddlers are more likely to cut eye-holes into "blankies" Democrat strategist: 9 out of 10 white infants prefer cross burning over mother's milk Mahmoud’s Liquidation Warehouse: 50% off Israel - this weekend only - it won’t last long 
Obama: Black kids still forced to beat people up at back of bus Charlie Gibson: Neil Armstrong went where? Obamacare, it’s finger-licking good!  Ben and Jerry release 'Hate Monger Bigot' flavor to celebrate those who support traditional marriage 'Shiver me Timbers!': Somalia unveils People's Institute for Redistribution, Adventurism & Thalassic Extortion (PIRATE) Energy Czar: to save energy, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off  buy this sticker Other 49 states impose carbon tax on California due to wildfire smoke Following Scotland's lead, US Justice Dept releases Charles Manson, citing battle with chronic hemorrhoids Obama to media: Please respect our girls' privacy, especially Mr. Letterman Teachable moment: Obama to hold 'beer summit' between offended Post Office and UPS Taliban sends protesters to Afghan town hall meetings in attempt to get Obama administration to withdraw  Gotham villains working for the Common Good™ White House recalibrates description of town hall protesters from 'terrorists' to 'man-made Nazi fascist pigs' Experts: when buying Astroturf, remember to look for the Union Label National-socialist health care? 
Drudge insulates self from White House anger by naming his site MoveOn.Drudge ABC greenlights epic 12-part miniseries based on Beer Summit  Moveon.org petitions Dems to leave Bush/Cheney alone and 'move on to pressing issues facing the nation' Palin: Critics ipso facto are quitters Honduran ex-president Zelaya holds press- conference, presents birth certificate for examination Cambridge: fighting racial bias, Obama picks black scholar Henry Louis Gates as Door Jigging Czar Obama: white cop acted like inexperienced rookie, but being one I may be biased On the international front: Obama brings back Cold War, switches sides Signs of recovery: WH study finds number of searches for 'economic depression' on Google lower than it could have been under FDR Obama inherited broken teleprompter from George W Bush Zelaya: we support the democratically-elected President of the USA, even though he has strongly opposed American policies Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate SPONSORED BY:  Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life Obama hurts a fly, forgets to read Miranda rights ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional 
Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing' Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!! CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought White House tree commits suicide over economic policy  Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush' Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse' In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities  Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list  Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind  visit our new Che Heart store Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it" Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls  buy this stickerObama's rich supporters chagrined to find he's a class worrior and not the cynical hypocrite they'd counted on Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever' Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research' Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!  Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden  Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram'  DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberry  Dow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15 WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents use  DHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"  Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!" Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism Obama gives Queen a shovel    click here NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'  click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend  Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube   CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY  Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest  Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terrorObama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it   view larger Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing  Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.'  More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20  Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America  You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK.   Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers"    CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide    Seven Obama cousins found living in voting booth    US choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force  Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check!  Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word  FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan'  Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you'  Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crash Dead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter  Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists  Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes  Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached     Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day  buy a T-shirt How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb?  Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint  Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to Hussein Obama: we have always been at peace with Hillary Clinton Grand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans?  CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problem Hillary supporters organize against Obama  Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists  Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station    Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination  Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead  Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off  buy T-shirt Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator   North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children!  Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich  Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare  Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy  Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes"   Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama  NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on Mars  Las Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign  Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope  Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners   Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change  Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush  Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will winPelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class  Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others  Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home  Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed?  San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland"  Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!"  Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants  CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him" Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming   To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't kill Democrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America"  Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's death  New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his faceVick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison  Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet  Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead  William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package  Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos  Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability  London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"  Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship  click me Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in Iraq US Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"  MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem"  Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant  Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture  Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely  Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time  Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases  Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly  New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system  Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial  House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission  North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission  Is it time for Pinochet yet?    Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History |
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Our Comrades: Professor Kurgman |
