Waging Jihad against the Zionists just got easier. With Hamas® brand "Intifada Baby Armor" your mission to destroy Israel can be achieved even sooner. You'll love these new features:
User friendly: Easy to adjust for a custom fit
Flexibility: No more restricted movements when firing weapons or doing other rigorous activities
Lightweight: The lightest vest offering this type of protection, although infant weight can vary
Reusable: When a bullet pierces the protective baby insert, remove and replace insert with just one hand
Manipulation: Included in every vest is a contact list of all sympathetic media organs that will blame Israel on demand for your damaged baby insert
Multi-purpose: Can easily be converted into a suicide vest
Infant not included We Desire Death as They Desire Life™ is a registered trademark of Hamas, Inc.
OTTAWA (Reuters) - Royal Mounted Police have launched a more extensive crackdown on "social corruption" such as women flouting Islamic dress codes on Monday.
"In its wider crackdown which has started from Saturday, police will confront those who appear in public in an indecent way and will also seal off shops selling un-Islamic dress," the newspaper said, quoting an unnamed police official.
The recent International Conference on Islamic Unity and Wakefulness in the 21st Century in Tehran became a fiasco as it failed to keep the delegates awake long enough for the photo ops. Soon after they were seated, the attendees began to doze off and fall from their seats, with nobody left alert enough to pick them up. The conference was closed on the second day after the neighbors complained that the continuous snoring was making their pets paranoid.
The tone of the event was set by the Director of the Expediency Council of Iran, who nodded off before finishing his welcoming address. "Today more than ever, the Islamic World is in need of wakefulness of Muslims," he said as he slowly slid behind the pulpit.
Carter hard at work as Hamas members prepare to launch fireworks in celebration.
After finishing Habitat for Hamsters in San Francisco, President Jimmy Carter went on to start a new Habitat for Hamas project in Gaza, building new homes for families whose homes were destroyed by Israeli bulldozers in retaliation for suicide bombings.
Jimmy Carter says he feels “quite at ease” working with Hamas leader Khaled Mashaal. I've been meeting with Hamas leaders for years, I find them to be peace-loving people, and they are just misunderstood by bigoted Americans. If Israel would dismantle their system of Apartheid, and meet all the demands of Hamas, everyone could live in peace and harmony.
Western terror labs have finally produced a weapon so horrific that it has shaken Islamic world to the core, making over a billion people from Morocco to Indonesia fear for the survival of their freedoms, morals, beliefs, cultures, governments, and the very life itself. The new weapon of terror, the so-called "Cartoon," is capable of delivering an equivalent of one million Hiroshima bombs, resulting in a horrendous mass destruction like none seen on Earth before.
"I see no way to combat this horrific infidel weapon other than by balanced, fair, and rational hostage-taking, bomb-throwing, and embassy-burning, based on strict Islamic law and mutual understanding of our commin goal, which is the Islamization of Earth. These methods have proven efficient in dealing with the West in the past..."
Dear Iranian Mullahs! While our satirical website and your Propaganda Directorate deal in the same trade of making up facts and exaggerating reality, we are different in that we can recognize a spoof - but you apparently can't. On Dec. 27, 2007 you used our spoof image on your propaganda website to illustrate a "true" statement that Jews are welcome in Iran and that Western reports about mass emigration of Iranian Jews are "lies spread by the Zionist hegemony."
Roger Waters takes 'The Wall' Concerts to 57 Islamic Countries to Protest against Sharia Law and Execution of Homosexuals by having Walls Fall on Them
Having supported every wall-related cause and courageously stared down the free world over hundreds of minor injustices involving walls, co-founder and former lead singer of Pink Floyd Roger Waters has announced that he will take 'The Wall' performances to the Muslim world to protest the practice of crushing homosexuals with walls.
"I've already dragged my Wall concerts around the world to protest against walls, fences, and miscellaneous types of enclosures," explains Waters.
Following the misery inflicted on Islam
by a toy bear that ended up with calls for the execution
of an English woman, more Muslims are stepping forward
with stories of long-suppressed emotional trauma imposed
on them by so-called reality. This has led to the creation
of support groups and social networks that help followers
of the Prophet Mohammed cope with the agony of learning
about life outside of their immediate environment, offering
assistance with technical resources, practical guidance,
and strategies for early intervention and punishment of
those who offend Islam.
A report released by the Pentagon confirms
rumors that popular international terrorist Ernesto Guevara,
better known under the nickname "Che" has been captured
in a safe house south of Baghdad, during a routine raid
operation conducted jointly by the new Iraqi police and
the US Marines. His identity was immediately established
by comparing his face to one of the Che Guevara T-shirts
that lay scattered around the safe house.
NEW YORK - Sept. 24,
2007. It was a pleasant sunny day in New York - just
like the one on 9/11 six years ago. Peace activists
gathered outside Columbia University to support Iranian
President's speech on campus, anticipating a great
leap forward towards World Peace™ and a glorious
blow to American imperialism.
Supporters of international socialism stood side
by side with supporters of the international caliphate
- against the crowd of Jews and other agents of
the international Zionist conspiracy who descended
on the corner of Broadway and E 116th Street to
oppose Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and steal his oil.
NEW YORK - Columbia
University president Lee Bollinger confirmed
plans to go forward with a speech by Mahmoud
Ahmadinejad aimed at helping the progressive
academic community better to understand their
role in the Global War on U.S. Imperialism. "We
are preparing some hard-ball questions that
would force Iran's President to tell us more
about his rich
experience in purging academia and creating
a perfectly uniform
intellectual climate of diversity," stated
Bollinger. "We are so committed to intellectual
diversity that we spare no effort to silence
the hate-mongering vitriol by our right-wing
critics - and few people know about that more
than our honored guest," Bollinger said, adding
that "only an anti-intellectual bigot would
oppose a speech by a distinguished Islamic
scholar whose metaphysical insights into holocausts
illuminate the massive genocides of the 20th
century for all of us."
In an effort
to clarify his threat-laced seven-page manifesto
released on September 7, Osama Bin Laden has
sent a threat-laced three-page memo to Al Jazeera,
to be read continuously by a Bin Laden look-a-like
every hour on the hour. The memo seems to single
out Hillary Clinton, whom Bin Laden alternatively
calls either "cuckolded blond lady candidate" or "woman
who should be wearing a burqa."
Referring to her recent statement that a terror
attack between now and the next election would
help the Republicans, Bin Laden bitterly responds, "W'll
commit an act of terror any time we damn well
please."
"But we want a Democrat president as much
as you do," Bin Laden continues, suggesting
that al-Qaeda might, after all, adhere to
Mrs. Clinton's directive and lay off the
terror shortly after the primaries, when
the main candidates have been selected and
the election starts in earnest.
Nouri al-Maliki offers
Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi a last chance.
(BAGHDAD) Prime Minister
Nouri al-Maliki cautioned yesterday that
the United States could face civil war if
disunity continues among differing factions
in the United States Congress. "If we can
trust CNN and the Arabic edition of The
New York Times, it's only a matter of
time before a civil war breaks out between
the red states and the blue states," Maliki
said to a hushed audience of Iraqi veterans
and their families, suggesting that the fanatical
leaders of Congress "be ousted as swiftly
as a convicted thief's left hand is separated
from his arm in Saudi Arabia."
A
group of Democratic senators and congressmen visiting
Iraq, together with a U.S. Marine, got captured by
al-Qaeda and brought to a safe house north of Baghdad.
The terrorists announce they will behead the captives,
but promise to grant each of them a last wish.
Human rights group, Human Rights
Right This Minute! (HRRTM) has condemned what
it calls "inappropriate remarks bordering on racism
and bigotry" that came from an English journalist
Joe Snuffy as he was beheaded on a recently surfaced
Al Qaeda video. The official transcript of the tape
attributes to Mr. Snuffy the following statement: "Islam
and Mo..." While the rest of the message was censored
by Western news agencies out of respect for non-Christian
beliefs, human rights watchdogs at HRRTM claim that
with the help of hired lip-reading and body-language
experts they reconstructed Mr. Snuffy's statement,
which appears to contain inflammatory hate speech. "Just
as we had suspected all along," says spokesbeing
for HRRTM Sarah Fulano.
Nobel Committee Rescinds Arafat's
Peace Prize, Gives it to Hamas
(STOCKHØLM) The Nobel Peace Prize Committee has
acted to rescind Yasser Arafat's Peace Prize effective
immediately, and to give it to Hamas, the Palestinian
Sunni Islamist organization currently governing the people
of the Palestinian National Authority.
A new cave video released by Ayman
al-Zawahiri praised the non-binding
resolution against Iraq troop surge passed in the
House today, describing it as a step in the right direction,
while also criticizing the bill as "inadequate and
meager kickback for the tremendous effort and sacrifice" al-Qaeda's
had given to help the Democrats win the mid-term elections. "What
in Allah's name is a non-binding resolution?" al-Qaeda's
number two shouted while shaking his AK-47 in the air. "We
sacrificed thousands of our best men, raising body
count of US troops and Iraqi bystanders to unprecedented
numbers so that you could work your ungodly media polls
to win the House and the Senate. And now you're basically
telling us that 'the check is in the mail'? Really?
If our IEDs were as symbolic and non-binding as your
resolution, Pelosi wouldn't be your speaker. The question
that many Jihadists are asking today is, can we trust
the Democrats?"
Terrorists ain't easy to love and they're harder
to hold.
They'd rather give you a bomb than diamonds or gold.
Suicide bomb buckles and old faded kaffiyehs,
And each night begins a new day.
If you don't understand him, an' he don't die young,
He'll just hack your head away.
Mamas, don't let your babies grow up jihadis.
Don't let 'em bomb cafes or explode them old trucks.
Let 'em be imams and mullahs and such.
Mamas don't let your babies grow up jihadis.
'Cos they'll never stay home and they're always
alone.
Even with those virgins to love.
Once the Democrats take charge in January,
bring the troops home, and appoint Jimmy Carter to
keep America safe, we must be prepared to submit to
Sharia Law pretty quick. It will not be voluntary -
but it can be made smooth and painless with the use
of re-educational TV programming. The American masses
won't even notice the transition, just like they didn't
notice the transition to socialist values in the past,
due to the masterful work of mind-conditioning experts
at all progressive media channels. To that end we recommend
this Sharia-friendly Winter TV Line-up:
"I'm going to tell you a story you've never heard before,
because no one knows it the way I know it," Hussein writes
in the publisher's release.
Saddam Hussein, a long-term admirer
of OJ Simpson's life story, has most recently followed
his icon's example,
releasing a shocking new book titled If I Had Weapons
Of Mass Destruction, in which he outlines how his
illegal weapons would have been hidden - if he had
them. The controversy surrounding Saddam Hussein's
removal from power surfaced again this week when, just
in time for November television sweeps, former Iraqi
leader revealed that he will participate in a two-part
Fox television special and release a book that will
give a "bone-chilling account" of how he could have
moved the WMDs to Syria using advisors from the Russian
intelligence.
It was only a matter of time before the so-called "Iranian
President" Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would be unmasked
as the biggest hoax in the history of television,
perpetrated by Brooklyn comic Misha Braslavsky, a
cable TV buffoon exploiting Western stereotypes of "evil
Islamic radicalism."
Looking back, we can only laugh at our unblinking
acceptance of Ahmadinejad, an "Islamist hard-liner" dressed
like a Turkish used car salesman, who called to wipe
Israel off the map or move it to Alaska, demanded a
manual recount of Holocaust victims, and banned all
Western music. His retractions were even more bizarre: "CNN
make lie! I send squeegees to help Israel, not 'Wipe
off Israel!' Who translated, I kill him!"
Three days after a midterm election
that put Democrats in charge of Capitol Hill, a tone
of conciliation continued as Abu Ayyub al-Masri, commander
of al-Qaeda in Iraq, welcomed Democratic leaders for lunch,
saying he looked forward to working with them in a
bipartisan way on issues they have in common. Noting
that al-Masri and Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid
have similar views about Bush, the al-Qaeda leader
commented, "We tend to speak the same language." Harry
Reid of Nevada agreed: "We will not rest until we crush
Bush and his cronies through a constructive, bipartisan
jihad."
The BBC has recently come
out of the closet, admitting that its executives,
reporters, analysts, directors, and even cleaning
ladies, who are mostly young, urban, trendy, Left-leaning
homosexuals, have been found guilty of mistreating
the station's Muslim minority by virtue of being
insensitive to their anti-gay
cultural sentiments. A leaked transcript of a
secret 'accountability summit' called by BBC chairman
reveals that the BBC, while promoting sexual and
ethnic diversity,
has neglected to fully comply with the new multicultural
order. These new standards prohibit anything that
may be viewed as offensive to Muslims or the Koran,
including engaging in homosexual acts.
Dear radical Muslim
comrades! While you are the best allies the Left could
ever have in the great patriotic war against American
Capitalism, there are limits in every relationship,
even the most intimate one like ours. Thus, your latest allegation that
the Apple Mecca Store in New York amounts to a deliberate
insult to Islam (because it resembles your
big black Ka'bah cube in Mecca) is not just inane,
it's an unprovoked stab in the back. This isn't how
good allies treat one another. Yes, our cube-shaped
Apple store resembles Ka'bah - so what? It's not like
your real Mecca. To be more like the real Mecca it
must have regular
stampedes crushing thousands of geeks to death
every year, aggravated by outbreaks of dysentery among
huge crowds of Apple users crammed together in anti-sanitary
conditions.
In the
view of some historians, the Pope's
recent apology to enraged Muslims over use
of a quote written by Manuel
II Palaeologus in 1391 bears a
striking similarity with a similar
apology delivered more than 600 years
ago by Manuel II Palaeologus himself
to offended Muslim armies after they
ransacked his Christian country, converted
its citizens to Islam, and beheaded
or enslaved those who resisted the
forced conversions. In a public speech
made shortly after the quote first
appeared in Muslim press, Manuel II
apologized to the Islamic community
that besieged his controversial "Byzantine
entity."
Muslims protesters: "Is it because we
didn't support Ned Lamont? Is it because
our lousy plastic recycling program?"
Ever
since the confrontation between the
West and Islam began, the question "Why
do they hate us?" has been topping
the Frequently
Asked Questions charts among Western
leaders and intellectuals, tormenting
minds and souls of the Western populace
prone to introspection. Considering
the magnitude of the problem, we have
assumed that the same question similarly
torments the minds of prominent Muslims
in the lands of Islam. And indeed,
our special Bridge-Building survey
has determined that from Saudi Arabia
to Iran to Afghanistan, in the halls
of the prestigious Islamic universities
and government palaces, prominent Muslims
are asking the same questions: "Why
us? Why the terror alert system? Why
security checks at airports?"
While
former Iranian President Mohammad Khatami's
visit to the land of The Great Satan
is welcomed by all progressive
sleeper cells inside this country,
his message of tolerance and moderation has
become an object of vicious attacks
from such hate groups as the Episcopal
Church, the Jewish
Community Relations Council, and Massachusetts
Governor Mitt Romney's office.
The controversy is largely fueled by
Mullah Khatami's planned visits to
Harvard, Georgetown University, Columbia
University, and the University of Virginia
for a round of introspective talks
and consultations aimed at helping
the progressive academic community
better to understand their role in
the Global War on U.S. Imperialism.
The former Iranian leader is also expected
to share his rich
experience in purging academia
and creating a perfectly uniform
intellectual climate of diversity for
the Greater Good™.
As
the great progressive leader Joseph
Stalin may have said, "It's not what
really happens, it's what we write
about it that matters." We can never
underestimate the importance of proper
screening of individuals who narrate
history for the masses - from news
services and talk shows to school teachers
and entertainers. To our credit we
have a firm grip on all of the above.
One of the most prominent members of
the academic community in this respect
is Professor Kurgman, PhD, PhD, PhD,
who has kindly written for the People's
Cube a brief yet masterful summary
of the recent conflict in the Middle
East. Not only does it correctly capture
the way the events were covered by
world's progressive media, it is also
destined to enter the annals of history
as the sole unquestionable resource
for social scientists of the future.
Gather
round Young Pioneers and Little Jihadis
and let Aunt Laika tell you a poem.
Now in the decadent West, they have
a myth about Santa Claus and Reindeers
that can fly. We all know that is
not true and even if it was true,
Santa Claus would be an enemy of
the state because he keeps elves
as slaves and beats the Reindeer
with whips. The ACLU and PETA would
have sued him and his fat, jolly
butt would be in the slammer.
Now in the progressive Islamic Republics,
especially Iran, there is The
Prophet and Bourak. Bourak is half
man and half flying horse and the Prophet
flies on his back to the farthest mosque
(Jerusalem), heaven and hell, and the
houses of misery and happiness. This
is done on the night as what is known
on the infidel calendar as August 22,
and true believers call this the Miraj.
In an effort to finalize
the portrayal of Hezbollah as a benevolent
band of misunderstood peasant warriors,
and to foster acceptance of other cultures,
the BBC retooled its cutest Teletubby
character named Laa-laa into Hezbo-Laa-Laa.
Sporting a characteristic martyr bandana
with the motto "From cradle to grave" written
in Arabic, and a suicide belt filled
nails and rat poison, this cute and
cuddly Terrortubby is intended to show
European and American kids that beyond
its desire to exterminate the Jew,
Hezbollah is, in fact, a caring playmate
that will tend to your social needs
through a strong presence in the big,
generous government!
Successful
field trials
of our Flat
Fatima product
and glowing reports
from leading
news agencies
have prompted
us to develop
new cutout models
to diversify
emotional impact
of reporting
and target broader
demographics.
The struggle
to revolutionize
news media by
purging it from
such bourgeois
concepts as truth
and objectivity
will now be joined
by Jamal Sixpack,
Harry Helmet,
Charlie Chair,
Lou the Looter,
Torched Peugeot
from the French
riots, and other
media icons including
Che Guevara (monochrome
models only).
Generate
hard-hitting
reporting by
mounting Popular
Media Figures™ individually
or in groups
in front of
a burning garbage
dump and get
that Pulitzer
you've always
wanted!
Having
learned of the growing
trend at
Reuters, BBC,
and other progressive
media to doctor
photographs, stage
events, and
use choreographed
footage in
the best Pallywood traditions,
researchers at
Karl Marx Treatment
center decided
to make it even
easier for news
organization
to re-educate
their audiences
and advance the
Greater Good™.
Laminated
on 5mm corrugated
plastic board
Water resistant,
durable for
short term
outdoor use
Europe
's view of the
present Israeli
offensive against
Hezbollah as
an "overreaction" and "disproportionate
use of force" is
rooted in relatively
recent history,
say progressive
researchers.
In 1943, Europe
itself suffered
from a similar
Jewish overreaction
to some controversial
German policies,
in an event known
as the Warsaw
Ghetto Uprising,
when Zionist
radicals attacked
the National
Socialist German
Workers Party that
was loved by
the German people
for its far-reaching
educational and
social welfare
services. In
fact, many academics
who teach Peace
Studies at prestigious
universities
believe that
it was the Zionists' "disproportionate
use of force" that
had ruined hopes
for peace in
Europe and caused
a humanitarian
crisis that could
have easily be
avoided if only
Jews had shown
restraint and
tolerance towards
the democratically
elected German
government.
MORE >>
Now
that we have identified
the problems of
the Middle East,
it is now time
to present high-powered
academic solutions
to this crisis.
And whereas the
average policy
maker is hard-pressed
to find a single
solution, I, with
my vast intelligence,
have developed
seven solutions:
1) Establish
Scientific
Socialism.
The tranquility
of the late Soviet
Union can be easily
moved to the Middle
East -- with the
assistance of a
violent revolution
to terminally smash
the ruling class
and establish a
workers' paradise
where everyone
will be the equal
of everyone else,
and everything
we need will be
free. Why can't
the entire Middle
East be like a
People-of-Color
version of The
Democratic People's
Republic of Korea?
There are no wars
among the Korean
people!
From
the beginning of
time, there was
a place called "Palestine" which
was inhabited exclusively
by the biggest
gift to humankind:
Palestinians. Their
culture flourished,
their peaceful
people prospered,
and their model
nation was to become
the jewel of the
world. Their language
was Arabic, their
religion was Muslim
(pronounced "MOOZ-lem"),
but regrettably,
all evidence of
their governments,
their currency,
their laws, their
scientific, technological,
philosophical,
and artistic accomplishments
were destroyed.
By whom? Keep reading.
Having
analyzed world
media sympathies
towards Muslim
radicals who
teach their young
to lace their
suicide belts
with screws and
rat poison to
inflict maximum
carnage in a
crowd of infidels,
a desperate Jewish
manufacturer
of educational
toys has launched
a " Jewish Martyr
Babies" marketing
campaign, which
they hope will
finally make
Reuters, BBC,
CNN, and other
networks view
the Jewish experiencehave
more favorably.
They now offer
their customers
anthrax yarmulke,
razor-wire-lined
tallit, exploding
gartel, strangling
attarah, metal-piercing
dreidels, and
other novelty
items that are "fun,
educational,
and lethal."
A sample
lineup of
Jewish Martyr
Toys and
mission statement
from the
manufacturer's
website:
The Bush administration
and The New
York Times
are again at
odds over
national security,
this time with
new exposures
of the administration's
immoral attempts
to protect
imperialist
America from
heroic Islamic
freedom fighters.
In today's
issue the
fearless NYT
showed the
world how the
militaristic
US government
was co-opting
major capitalist
financial institutions
to track global
financial transfers.
The message
this sends is
clear - give
up, George Bush!
Protecting America
is a useless
task when you
face the glorious
destructive force
of progressive
media! America
must be destroyed!
It is a historical
inevitability
whose time has
come!
Another
leader of social progress has been murdered by
American war criminals today. The
Left lost a prominent comrade who
helped us fight US imperialism at
home and abroad. Every glorious beheading
and school bus explosion he committed
was cherished by human rights activists
as another proof of the cynical nature
of the Bush administration.
RECOMMENDED HEADLINES
FOR PROGRESSIVE MASS MEDIA:
Why right-wing extremists cheer
Zarqawi's death
Should we love Al Zarqawi? Many
think so
Zarqawi killed, but more impotantly
- what have US marines done wrong
lately?
Zarqawi Studies Center and Museum
to open in University of Colorado
at Boulder
Hello my friends! How many times have
you caught one of your women bandying
about without its burqa? How many times
has an insolent female flashed her
ankle by "accident"? Has this caused
you humiliation and pain requiring
whipping? Have you been forced, through
no fault of your own, to resort to
honor killing? Isn't it time you stopped
wasting perfectly good woman flesh
and invested in a foolproof coverage
system for your females?
Now, BurqaBarn, in conjunction
with Citywide Waste Management,
has a solution for you!
The Party
frowns on humor and jokes unless
they (1) help advance class struggle
(ridicule the enemy and reveal the
follies of capitalism; and (2) help
the masses resist oppression while
raising awareness (see Doonesbury,
Jon Steward, etc.). While joking,
one must always err on the side on
caution - for "humor" is, by its
nature, connected to the archaic
bourgeois notions of "free expression" and "unorthodox
thinking." Humor is often indistinguishable
from lies - and we know that the
concept of lies was invented by the
ruling class of oppressors as a tool
to deceive and exploit the oppressed
(see Karl Marx's "Religion is the
opiate of the masses").
We are starting
a new section for children - Hammer & Popsickle -
where the nation's young ones can get
indoctrinated, in an entertaining and
subliminal manner, about the romanticism
of class struggle and the evils of
capitalism. Our first installment explains
why Iran has the right to build nuclear
weapons in order to wipe two illegitimate
entities, Israel and the United States,
off the face of the Earth.
Twelfth Imam is Coming to
Town is a sing-along
version of the famous carol (with
a great rendition playing on
the background). The Islamic
Republic of Iran's governing
council of mullahs and Iranian
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
also believe
in Santa Claus - only in
their Shi'ite creed Santa is
called the 12th Imam, known as
the Mahdi....
Muslim protests erupted
worldwide this week after a high
school teacher in Colorado compared
Bush to Hitler. "It is a crime
in Sharia law to insult Hitler (PBUH)!" stated
Abdul Ali Aziz in a Muslim street
interview. "We have been listening
to this kind of blasphemy from the
Left ever since the Zionist puppet
Bush got elected. The infidel teacher
must be tortured and beheaded!"
Rage against the besmirching
of Adolf Hitler's name poured out
across the Muslim world on Saturday,
with aggrieved believers calling
for the execution of those involved,
storming buildings, and setting
European and American flags afire.
Western
terror labs have finally produced
a weapon so horrific that it has
shaken Islamic world to the core,
making over a billion people from
Morocco to Indonesia fear for the
survival of their freedoms, morals,
beliefs, cultures, governments, and
the very life itself. The new weapon
of terror, the so-called "Cartoon," is
capable of delivering an equivalent
of one million Hiroshima bombs, resulting
in a horrendous mass destruction
like none seen on Earth before.
Ahmed Jihad of the Soros-funded
charity Make Bombs, Not Cartoons sadly
stated that "This is the end of
a tenuous peace between Muslims
and Infidels, with only the occasional
beheading, open market suicide
bomb, or fiery suicide plane mission."
Hare
Krishnas: "We are tired of smirks
and dissing while working our
asses off at major airports for
little or no pay. Enough is enough!
We demand state-enforced conversions
and equal redistribution of faith
and donations!"
The
French Muslim riots, caused by an
uncontrollable reaction to poverty,
racism, and a profound sense of alienation
from the larger society, have recently
inspired some American groups who
share very similar grievances, to
use mass violence as a means of gaining
recognition and respect.
As low income also immediately
translates into uncontrollable
violence, the first American neighborhoods
to start rioting were the Chinatowns.
Realizing that Chinatowns are among
the poorest
parts of the country, community
leaders have encouraged the use
of violence to raise the material
wealth -- and self-esteem -- of
the residents.
Violent protests erupted yesterday
among faculty members on American
and European campuses, accompanied
by massive looting, flag-burning,
and clashes with riot police, after
Newsweek magazine published a report
stating that a U.S. interrogator
desecrated Das Kapital. The holy
book of an estimated 1.5 billion
world's Marxists was
allegedly flushed down the toilet
in order to humiliate and demoralize
a progressive human
rights lawyer and devout Marxist Lynne
Stewart.
Deans, heads of departments,
professors, and assistant professors
marched in the streets holding
portraits of Karl
Marx, chanting revolutionary
slogans, tearing up American flags,
burning effigies of George Bush
and David Horowitz, and threatening
to suspend those students who didn't
join them in their righteous protest.
On Berkeley campus a gigantic bonfire
consumed all available copies of
books by Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh,
Mark Levin, and other conservative
authors that could be found in
the library and local bookstores.
The rioters were being spontaneously
joined by groups of trial lawyers, progressive journalists,
and union leaders.
We can withstand your guns and tanks, but
please, kill us all before you inflict
more sensitivity training!
The War
on Terror has entered a new successful
stage once the US field commanders
began to force the enemy units to comply
with the same government-imposed rules
and restrictions that the US Army increasingly
faces on a daily basis.
One man, identified only as a "Soldier
for Allah" explained, "We were led
into a classroom and had to sit in
circles for what they called 'Collective
Self-Attaining Support Sessions'
where they lectured us on matters
such as "Gender Awareness." "Multicultural
Identity." and "Environmental Racism." For
the love of Allah (peace be upon
him and his messenger, the Prophet
Muhammad), even in Saddam's prisons,
I was never accused so often of being
guilty!"
Rumors of a possible split between
leaders of ACLU and al Qaeda have been
fueled by an increased chatter level
over the past few weeks, as follows from
these interoffice memos obtained by our
field operative at ACLU headquarters, 125
Broad Street in New York.
* * *
From: ACLU Board of Directors
To: Al Qaeda Headquarters
Dear Sir:
In your videotaped statement broadcast
by al-Jazeera Mr. Ayman al-Zawahiri
looks like a respectable statesman
who appreciates reasonable dialogue.
As such, we hope you will address our
grievances for the sake of our common
goal, which we know you still believe
in...
Sharon: "It's not every day when
the French, the Germans, Muslims, Communists,
Nazis, Arabs,
Socialists, and the United Nations agree on things,
so when they do,
it's obvious that they must be correct."
Persistent
rhetoric coming from concerned progressive
critics worldwide has finally convinced
Israeli officials that the state of Israel
has no moral right to exist. "That's
it," Prime Minister Ariel Sharon explained
at a press conference. "We are dismantling
the Nation of Israel. I'm leaving for
Poland next week."
"My cabinet and I had long discussions
about world troubles, and we concluded
that our critics are right - all the
troubles can be traced back to us.
So, in order to resolve these issues,
we felt it would be best to extend
our withdrawal beyond Gaza to include
the West Bank and Israel proper," Sharon
said. "The Gaza pullout was only a
test, and the ensuing waves of peace
and brotherhood it had triggered in
Palestine and beyond, encouraged us
to disband altogether. Without us here,
people of the world will finally be
able, once again, to live in permanent
harmony and understanding - just like
they all did before Israel's founding
nearly sixty years ago."
The day after Hurricane Katrina
smashed into eastern Louisiana and western Mississippi,
leaving a swath of devastation comparable to
some of the worst in history, a multi-national
coalition formed for the express purpose of discouraging
countries from providing any relief aid to the
beleaguered inhabitants of the Gulf Coast.
A new video released today on al Jazeera captivated not only regulars enticed by displays of flying body parts and beheadings, but drew in scores of reality TV aficionados, many of whom wept tears of sympathetic tenderness.
In what may well become known as the world's
most romantic marriage proposal, Osama Bin
Laden, president of the al Qaeda network,
stumbled in the midst of his latest fatwa
against Western infidels, then produced a
small box from the folds of his robe. He
fell to one knee and, looking straight into
the camera, uttered in perfect English, "I
love you Cindy Sheehan. Will you marry me,
baby doll?" He then opened
the box containing a gorgeous four carat
spherical-cut diamond ring in a platinum
setting, still on the finger of its previous
owner...
Kofi Annan: "UN inspectors are confident that
Iran is up to a decade away from incinerating another
American city."
With the ruins of Cleveland still smoldering after a surprise nuclear attack launched by Iranian Ayatollahs last week, the world's attention is refreshingly focused on more urgent matters as most people appear to be concerned with other things.
"Like, I didn't even know where Cleveland was?" says a 23-year old shopper at the King of Prussia Mall outside Philadelphia. "I mean, like, this so totally doesn't affect me?"
In Berkeley CA, naked transgender protesters are
calling public attention to the pressing issue of
a complete ban on all commerce. "We're also trying
to free Mumia," says
one of them, pointing out that his or her protest
sign was constructed "without the poison of capitalist
commerce..."
A new civil rights group is fighting a shameful practice: bag searches in the New York City subways that are infringing on the rights of suicide bombers to kill and maim hundreds of New Yorkers. The group that calls itself Jihadists Against Bag Searches distributed flyers today to straphangers (image, left), warning them of the erosion of civil liberties in America.
Dressed in oversized trench coats and carrying heavy backpacks, the group members asked the New Yorkers a simple yet disarming question: "Is this the country you really want to live in, if it profiles a minorit that has blown up cars, buildings, buses, trains, and airplanes in the past?"
"They're right," a concerned young lawyer told our correspondent." With so many people entering the subway, how can we be sure that the searches are absolutely random? There's a big chance it's all a cover-up for profiling minorities. If the police succeeds in preventing them from blowing me up on the train, it will be the end of my civil liberties. I better send another big check to ACLU - that is, if I don't wind up with both of my arms torn off in a blast."
When the Taliban complain about broken AC in their
cells, what else can we do but allow them to saw our
heads off?
Getting one's head sawed off might seem like reason
for concern, but in fact, ACLU lawyers turning themselves over to their
Guantanamo clients for this purpose have gone a long way in addressing
Taliban dissatisfaction with the camp's amenities like poor wi-fi reception.
In an unprecedented display of compassion, volunteers from the
ACLU and Amnesty International are lining up to get their heads sawed
off by disgruntled Taliban prisoners. This new spirit of international
caring has its genesis in the Human
Shields tradition...
RANGEL: there should be
an equal representation
in the armed forces of
the wimps, the nerds,
and the computer geeks.
In a new display of fairness and lack
of partisanship, Rep.
Charles B. Rangel has come up with an initiative to grant US
citizenship equally to both the families of the US soldiers killed
in the Middle East and to those families whose sons are fighting
against the U.S.-led coalition in the region.
"We can't be so unilateral in our policies as to exclude the militarily
disadvantaged opposition to America from entering our country and
becoming citizens," New York Democrat said. "I say let's level
the playing field. To those who say Americans fight the urban warfare
better, I say let's give al-Qaeda a try. I truly believe there
shouldn't be any moral standards in determining our role in the
world. If we agree that one man's terrorist is another man's freedom
fighter, we must also agree that way too few Americans are getting
killed, as opposed to their "enemies." It is a glaring violation
of international fairness and justice. My plan will enable a more
equitable representation of people making sacrifices on the both
sides," the U.S. lawmaker said.
WASHINGTON,
D.C. May 14th, 2005. Our reporter attends a rally held
by Free
Muslims Against Terrorism at Freedom Plaza on Pennsylvania
Ave.
So what happened? The Washington
Post has this
short video (you will get a glimpse of our correspondent Red
Square in it). C-Span has this
full-length video. The Right-Wing blog The
Autonomist has this
report. We, however, will focus on the analysis of the perpetrators'
ideology. We will prove that they do not fit into the Marxist definition
of Muslims. We will
tell you who Muslims ought
to be and what they ought to do. And we will finish with the
good news of a toilet accident at Newsweek.
Who are Free
Muslims Against Terrorism? Are they another progressive minority
organization acting within the carefully defined by us limits?
A new ethnic voice in the skillfully directed chorus denouncing
evil Bush for terrorizing poor freedom-fighters in the Middle
East? That's what we hoped too. But our warm and fuzzy optimism
vanished once we saw their website displaying a non-burning American
flag...
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
NY Times, Newsweek offer editorial inoculations to concerned readers of Sarah Palin's book
Going Rogue: FEMA braces for massive outbreaks of Palin Derangement Syndrome
Following Fort Hood tragedy, Obama declares all military bases gun-free zones
Pelosi: we won.
Philies: so did we
Study: Global Warming linked to consumption of beans and beef patties
Pro-Obama gamers discover 'cheat codes' in U.S. Constitution
Police trained in using end of life counselingtechniques to negotiate suicide threats
Obama commits more troops to War on Fox News, still awaiting Afghan troop surge
Pass Rush: NFL okays Fidel Castro's bid to buy Miami Dolphins
Study: the road to hell paved with Nobel Peace Prizes
Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize. Wishing all our readers a Happy April First!
Roman Polanski named new School Safety Czar in wake of Jennings scandal
Charles Manson: 'Leave Polanski alone, hasn't he suffered enough?'
Obama loses Olympic bid, will try for Special Olympics next
Carter: if the IOC doesn't give the Olympics to Chicago, they're racists
Saudis: the word 'assassina- tion' will never be the same
Al Qaeda: 'We shove bombs up our butts'
Richard Gere denies Al Qaeda membership
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
Study: 90% of G20 protestors driven to Pittsburgh by mom
Ahmadinejad: Iran needs enriched uranium to purchase large IKEA sofa
Obama: If we don't bomb Iran now, we'll never pass healthcare reform
Taliban hires DC lobbyist in effort to get Obama's attention
Missile defense: Czechs angry at Obama for being canceled
Media study: Caucasian toddlers are more likely to cut eye-holes into "blankies"
Democrat strategist: 9 out of 10 white infants prefer cross burning over mother's milk
Mahmoud’s Liquidation Warehouse: 50% off Israel - this weekend only - it won’t last long
Obama: Black kids still forced to beat people up at back
of bus
Charlie Gibson: Neil Armstrong went where?
Obamacare, it’s finger-licking good!
Ben and Jerry release 'Hate Monger Bigot' flavor to celebrate those who support traditional marriage
'Shiver me Timbers!': Somalia unveils People's Institute for Redistribution, Adventurism & Thalassic Extortion (PIRATE)
Energy Czar: to save energy, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off
Other 49 states impose carbon tax on California due to wildfire smoke
Following Scotland's lead, US Justice Dept releases Charles Manson, citing battle with chronic hemorrhoids
Obama to media: Please respect our girls' privacy, especially Mr. Letterman
Teachable moment: Obama to hold 'beer summit' between offended Post Office and UPS
Taliban sends protesters to Afghan town hall meetings in attempt to get Obama administration to withdraw Gotham villains working for the Common Good™
White House recalibrates description of town hall protesters from 'terrorists' to 'man-made Nazi fascist pigs'
Experts: when buying Astroturf, remember to look for the Union LabelNational-socialist health care?
Drudge insulates self from White House anger by naming his site MoveOn.Drudge
ABC greenlights epic 12-part miniseries based on Beer Summit
Moveon.org petitions Dems to leave Bush/Cheney alone and 'move on to pressing issues facing the nation'
Palin: Critics ipso facto are quitters
Honduran ex-president Zelaya holds press- conference, presents birth certificate for examination
Cambridge: fighting racial bias, Obama picks black scholar Henry Louis Gates as Door Jigging Czar
Obama: white cop acted like inexperienced rookie, but being one I may be biased
On the international front: Obama brings back Cold War, switches sides
Signs of recovery: WH study finds number of searches for 'economic depression' on Google lower than it could have been under FDR
Obama inherited broken teleprompter from George W Bush
Zelaya: we support the democratically-elected President of the USA, even though he has strongly opposed American policies
Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground
Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate
SPONSORED BY:
Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument
Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life
Obama hurts a fly, forgets to read Miranda rights
ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional
Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign
DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing'
Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!!
CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought
White House tree commits suicide over economic policy
Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush'
Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse'
In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities
Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools
Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list
Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote
Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind visit our new Che Heart store
Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it"
Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals
Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls
Obama's rich supporters chagrined to find he's a class worrior and not the cynical hypocrite they'd counted on
Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever'
Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research'
Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!
Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden
Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu
Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram'
DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberryDow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15
WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents useDHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck
Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank
Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"
Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech
Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive
Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism Obama gives Queen a shovel click here NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'
click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
buy a T-shirt
Carter hard at work as Hamas members prepare to launch fireworks in celebration.
A
group of Democratic senators and congressmen visiting
Iraq, together with a U.S. Marine, got captured by
al-Qaeda and brought to a safe house north of Baghdad.
The terrorists announce they will behead the captives,
but promise to grant each of them a last wish.
Hare
Krishnas: "We are tired of smirks
and dissing while working our
asses off at major airports for
little or no pay. Enough is enough!
We demand state-enforced conversions
and equal redistribution of faith
and donations!"
A new video released today on al Jazeera captivated not only regulars enticed by displays of flying body parts and beheadings, but drew in scores of reality TV aficionados, many of whom wept tears of sympathetic tenderness. 
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
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Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
