On May 8, 2006 President of the Islamic Republic
of Iran Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sent a letter to
US President George W Bush, a move that was
shrugged off by the White House that deemed
the letter irrelevant and inconsequential.
Denied instant gratification, Ahmadinejad fulfilled
his craving by leaking his writing to the press,
knowing that it would be instantly reprinted
by world's mass media. That officially made
it an open letter - and not just to Bush, but
to all of us non-Muslims in America and beyond.
Answering to that letter, therefore, is no
longer a choice of the American president.
We all have that option now, since it's a letter
to every one of us. It's what we call public
diplomacy.
I want a new Bike, and a Football, and a Quick Divorce, and a BB Gun, and a toy Fire Truck with flashing lights and sirens you should gimme this stuff because I've been a really good boy all year. I have a hit TV show called "Two and Half Men" plus my investigation into the truth behind the 9-11 lies is goin' real good I even hadda go to this dump of backwater called Irun man that place sucked all the bitches hadda walk around with carpet on their heads and stuff. It may take me a couple more months and but I promise that I will discover the truth. So please Mr. Mahmoud Claus gimme everything I want this year.
As one doctor to another - thank you for your words of wisdom to Mr. Bush and the American people who are blinded by their ugly arrogance toward the more worldly members of the planet like yourself. Your timely thesis is just what the Democratic National Committee has needed to articulate for the past six years; you have given us new thunder and new legitimacy in the court of world opinion. Instead of supporting the concept of free enterprise for all, we need to demand things like free education for all, three square meals a day for all, free health care for all, guaranteed and protected employment for all, and of course, freedom from the yoke of corporate imperialism for all!
The time has come for America to retreat from the world at large and accept the cost of reparation payments to the Third World for our crimes of meddling in their affairs. An era of isolation for America is long overdue - just think of the world we could be living in if it's weren't for US interventions. The last great era of American isolationism in the 1920s and 1930s gave us a time of uninterrupted state planning unseen in human history - both in the USA and elsewhere! Alas, this period of enlightened idealism has been lost on the masses of this evilest of empires.
I am confident that your eloquent and timely letter to President Bush will help the American people to awake from this capitalist malaise and rise up to demand more entitlements from their government! This is why, I hereby declare you Dr. Ahmadinejad, the National Democratic Nominee for President of the United States for 2008! Forget about Hillary, you have hijacked the cause and stolen the liberal platform right from under her feet. Can I be your Vice President?
Yours,
Howard Dean, Chairman,
Democratic National Committee
----------------------------
Submitted by Comrade Bensnooty
I must insist that you stop stealing my material at once, otherwise you will face the full brunt of my team of lawyers. In case you forgot I was given permission to crack jokes about the Bush family in 1986 by Steve Martin in exchange for keeping certain pictures that were taken during his years of indiscretion. Sure I never used them when I spent years in the Norwich Comedy Club; sure I never got the chance to compare George Dubyah to an intestinal stomach parasite or even call his dad "Skeletor," but I retain the right to do so dammit!
I mean, you haven't heard some of my best material from the '70's and I was in my prime back then. Listen to this: "The Republicans want to screw the working man out of his money. The Democrats want to screw the working man." Hi - friggin' - larious! But now it's all ruined and you're to blame.
My carrier may have slown down but if you think you can renege on an oral contract - in both senses of the word - then feel free to do so, but remember that I will sue you and your banana republic into the ground! Hell, I won't even let the federales give you Frank Sinatra Jr. out of pity, you'll be completely on your own. Remember Noriega? Yeah, that was me.
Yours Truly,
Jay Leno... See? Because of you I can't even say my own name without feeling a sense of revulsion.
------------------
Text submitted by an anonymous comrade who prefers to remain an invisible mote in the vast collective
In answer to your latest inquiry why your letter had not been delivered to Mr. George W. Bush and you had been left with no response, please be advised that I fully share your stress and anxiety. Unfortunately, my quick analysis shows that your choice of words and speech patterns are such that would trigger even the dumbest spam blocker and virus filtering software on the planet, causing them to quarantine the message, split it into tiny bytes, scramble the debris, and send them into a black hole.
On top of that, it appears that your message contained spam, stuffed keywords, hidden links, cloaking, and sneaky redirects. On the surface, the letter looked fine to most users, but here's what it looked like with Cascading Style Sheets (CSS) off:
Quote
death to america, great satan, kill jews, kill infidels, army of suicidal bombers, support terrorism, islamofascism, world domination, nuclear weapons, nuke israel, terrorize the world, use doublespeak, deceive the idiots, employ international leftist media, nuclear holocaust will bring the 12th imam, I am the smartest man alive, I am a cunning linguist, I crap and the world swallows, I'm going to be more famous than mohammed
Frankly, Mr. Ahmadinejad, I could care less if your letter is about world peace, world war, submission to Allah, cutting throats, burning millions alive and ultimately destroying the planet. I don’t care if your letter is to the US President, or Susan Sarandon, or Charles Manson, or Cat Woman. I don’t care if you're a kook, a nut, a loon, a clown, a fruitcake, or a mass murderer. I care about spam and scamming links.
So my answer to you is to make sure that all the hidden text/links are gone, and then do a resubmission of your letter. And don’t think I didn’t notice the cross-linking with sites such as aljazeera.com, radioislam.com, cnn.com, pravda.com, newyorktimes.com, washingtonpost.com, unitedforpeace.org, iacenter.org, cpusa.org. Those sites should be cleaned up as well. I don't know why you were hiding links to sites like stormfront.org, which still has hidden text that says, "nazi, hitler, islam, ahmadinejad, good friends."
That’s the sort of reason why your letter would not be answered nor even delivered to your recipient, be it Kin Jong Il or Laika The Space Dog.
Please do not hesitate to contact me if you need anything else,
Matt Cutts (a guy in charge of tricky political issues)
The real question here, Mahmoud, is WHEN. You may think you live in the 7th century with Mohammed, when in fact it's already the 21st century and the world is run by giant machines and computers and satellites. What you believe is your universe is only an illusion induced by the mullahs who hypnotize you daily with the Koran. You live in a capsule and your brain is conditioned to register a limited range of stimuli so you'll never wake up.
The French philosopher Michel Foucault, who embraced your Islamic Revolution, once pointed to his pipe and said "this is not a pipe" (because, truth be told, he was using it as an anal stimulator). This is also the essence of your pipe dream. The world is not what it appears to you, Mahmoud: you're approaching it from the wrong end. Wake up and smell the coffee! Understand that your comfortable drowsy existence is only possible with the help of Big Machines of the West. That is your life support. It's the Western technology, science, thought, entrepreneurship, and the ability to take risks, that enables you to lie comfortably numb in your capsule imagining the coming of the Twelfth Imam. What is the West asking in return? Energy for their magic machines: oil. But instead of trading it honestly for the freebies you've got, you act like an ass, you turn off the spigot, you threaten to wipe them off the map, and you write insolent letters to their leaders and call them Zionists. Remember, Mahmoud: Zion is one of the few places where humans can still maintain freedom, dignity, and an open mind.
You have a choice, Mahmoud: the red pill or the blue pill. You take the red pill - and you wake up and learn to live in the 21st century as a decent, productive human being and an equal partner to other decent, productive human beings. It will be hard at first but you can do it. You take the blue pill - and you go back to your Koranic pipe dream, only this time don't count on life support from the West. Try fending for yourself with the Koran against the forces of nature. We're pulling the plug.
Thank you so much for writing the letter to America’s president. As planned, that instrument is already doing its work. Now people of the world can really see that you and your government are poor, misunderstood victims of Zionist lies and American imperialism. Your rhetoric is most impressive!
I see you took my advice and accused Bush of invading Iraq on nothing more than the pretext of WMD - implying it was his sinister conspiracy. That line never fails. Loved the bit about the war not being fought to topple Saddam. ROFL! Leftist politicians will go along with that, they always smudge their memories if that fits their petty political hatreds. What UN resolutions? There has never been Resolution 1441! There has never been a warning to Saddam to step down or be attacked. Excuse me if I sound like our mutual friend Baghdad Bob. I met him just last night and he's as perky and reliable as ever. He loved your letter and was asking if you perhaps are looking for a speechwriter or an Information Minister.
Again, thank you for creating that instrument. We are all at war against the Imperialists. War is chaos. Lies and misrepresentations create and foster chaos. As Ramsey Clark said at our last meeting "A world in chaos is a malleable world. Chaos creates the conditions necessary for world socialist revolution. Out of chaos can arise great men. I am a great man. I like chaos. Chaos is great!" You are a great man too, Mahmoud - and a friend.
As one great man to another I feel I need to give you a heads up. The Great Satan will soon demand UN economic sanctions against you and I can do very little about it. I think we should get together and discus some of my ideas on humanitarian Food for Oil operations.
To THE DAY!
XOXOXO,
Your Kofi
PS – I understand that Syria is in possession of some inexpensive yellowcake. I would be honored to broker any transaction you wish. What are your nuclear needs?
-----------------------------------
Text submitted by Comrade Otis
Mahmoud, if you act within 30 minutes, you'll get $11.4 million, and a date with one of 72 lovely bints. But time is short. Act NOW!
From: "Jauhara al Kafirah" To: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Subject: Confidential Investment Proposal Date: Friday 12 May 2006 14:03:47 -0000 X-MSMail-Priority: Normal
X-Mailer: Microsoft Outlook Express 4.72.3110.1 X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V4.72.3110.3
FROM: JAUHARA AL KAFIRAH UNION BANK PLC. LAGOS, NIGERIA
ATTN: MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD PRESIDENTIAL PALACE, TEHRAN ISLAMIC REPUBLIC OF IRAN
First, I must solicit your confidence in this transaction, this is by virtue of its nature as being utterly CONFIDENTIAL and TOP SECRET. Though I know that a transaction of this magnitude will make any one apprehensive and worried, but I am assuring you that all will be well at the end of the day. We have decided to contact you by e-mail due to the urgency of this transaction.
Let me start by first introducing myself properly to you. I am Miss Jauhara al Kafirah, a Manager at the Union Bank Nigeria PLC, Lagos. I came to know of you in my private search for a reliable and reputable person to handle a very confidential transaction which involves the transfer of a huge sum of money to a foreign account requiring maximum confidence. I am not too really sure if you are my long lost contact whom I am trying to reach, but in anyway, please do take this message with a good heart and report back to me if you are not the person I think you are. I would explain more latter.
THE PROPOSITION:
A foreigner, former US President Jimmy Carter, who was also an Oil Merchant / contractor with the federal Govenment of Nigeria, until his disappearance from public six years ago, banked with us here at Union Bank PLC., Lagos, and had a closing balance of USD$38.M ( Thirty Eight Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) which the bank now unquestionably expects to be claimed by any of his available foreign next of kin or alternatively be donated to a discredited trust fund for Alms and Yellow Cake Production at a military war college here in Nigeria.
Fervent valuable efforts are being made by the Union Bank to get in touch with any of the Carter family or relatives but all have proved to no avail.
It is because of the perceived possibility of not going to be able to locate any of former Pres. Jimmy Carter's next of kin (either his "known" wife and children) that the management under the influence of our Chairman, board of directors, Retired Major General Kalu Uke Kalu, that an arrangement for the fund to be declared "UNCLAIMABLE" and then be subsequently donated to the Trust Fund for Alms and Yellow Cake production which will further enhance the courses of war in Iran and the world in general.
In order to avert this negative development, myself and some of my trusted colleagues here at the bank now seek for your permission to have you stand as former Pres. Jimmy Carter's next of kin so that the fund, USD$38.5M would be subsequently transferred and paid into your bank account as the beneficiary next of kin. All documents and proves to enable you get this fund have been carefully worked out and we are assuring you a 100% risk free involvement.
For your assistance, your commission would be 30%. 10% has been set aside for expenses while the rest would be for myself and my colleagues for investment purposes in your country.
If this proposal is OK. by you and you do not wish to take advantage of the trust we hope to bestow on you and your company, then kindly get to me immediately via my e-mail furnishing me with your most confidential telephone, fax number and exclusive e-mail so that I can forward to you the relevant details of this transaction. Thank you in advance for your anticipated co-operation.
Regards,
JAUHARA AL KAFIRAH MANAGER UNION BANK PLC. N.B. PLEASE, FOR CONFIDENTIAL REASON, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO SEND ME YOUR RESPONSE VIA THIS EMAIL ADDRESS: idrisasshaytan@email.com
To: Mr. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad President, Islamic Republic of Iran
From: Kim Jong Il Dear Leader, Teacher, Father, Son, and Spirit of Juche
Dear President,
What exactly is an Islamic Republic? Everyone knows that the only qualifier suitable to precede the word Republic is People’s, as in The People’s Republic of North Korea. This brings us to the point, sir; we find it troubling that you have failed to renounce your faith in Islam and embrace the great Juche Idea that was given to the world by our Father Kim Il Sung.
Whether you like it or not, Mr. Ahmadinejad, the world is gravitating towards International Socialism and Juche will prevail over all things. Your campaign slogan was: "It’s possible and we can do it." It is indeed possible, Mr. A, and you will discard your false faith in Allah and will instead worship the Dear Leader. As the people of Korea have learned, it is most worthwhile to worship, trust and follow the Dear Leader Kim Jong Il as god. He is the great teacher who teaches them what the true life is, a father who provides them with the noblest political integrity, and a tender-hearted benefactor who brings their worthwhile life into full bloom. They have keenly felt the greatness of the General from the bottom of their hearts, and so will you.
We understand that you were born the son of a blacksmith, an honorable proletarian profession. We also respect your accomplishments as a civil engineer and university professor. But how can one make "Allah Akbar" his slogan and really care about the goals of the world-wide proletarian Revolution? We are, of course, allies of a sort in the battle against what you and your brethren call "The Great Satan." But being fellow travelers is just not good enough anymore, Mr. Ahmadinejad. The time has come for you to make a decision: Either convert to Marxism, or we will threaten to wipe your country off the map and continue to pursue our nuclear program - UN sanctions be damned!
The proletarians have nothing to lose but their chains; they have a world to win. - Karl Marx
I am worried for you. Why? Because as an ex-Muslim, I worry that without acknowledging Jesus Christ as your Lord and personal savior, you will be spend eternity in Satan’s everlasting fire. Surely, you would prefer the alternative: "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have everlasting life." – John 3:16
You see, I was once like you. I was a sinner, a liar, a fornicator, a whore monger, a homosexual, and a hater of God. But I was also aware that Jesus was a prophet – just like you state in your letter. But there's more, Mr. Ahmadinejad. Let me ask you: Did Muhammed die for you? Did he rise from the dead? No, he did not. And when my friend Bob explained that Muhammed died in his sins because he denied that Jesus was God, I knew that I had to change my ways.
Mr. Ahmadinejad, if you choose Jesus, you will have eternal life and reign with Christ in glory. Muhammed and Allah offer you nothing but false promises; Allah is not the God of the Bible! For your own sake, you must receive Jesus as your Lord and Savior.
I will be praying for your salvation.
Omar
“That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.” – Romans 10:9
-------------------------------
Submitted by Prof. Kurgman
An Open Letter to Dr. MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD, President of the Islamic Republic of Iran
With great pleasure, we here at the People’s Cube wholly concur with your forthright scholarly analysis of the present situation in the world. Only a university professor doctor like yourself can come to the rational conclusions you have drawn for the whole world to see.
Take for instance this paragraph in which you stated:
Quote
Young people, university students and ordinary people have many questions about the phenomenon of Israel. I am sure you are familiar with some of them. Throughout history, many countries have been occupied, but I think the establishment of a new country, with a new people, is a new phenomenon that is exclusive to our times. Students are saying that sixty years ago such a country did not exist. They show old documents and globes and say try as we have, we ha ve not been able to find a country named Israel.
How correct you are! The Jew didn’t exist until 1948! The phenomenon is so weird! I’ve tried looking and I can’t find Israel also. I tried to find Vietnam, Zimbabwe, Serbia, the Czech Republic, Pakistan, Latvia, Belarus, Tonga, Sri Lanka, Myanmar and Bangladesh and to my amazement they didn’t exist either. Strange names like Ceylon, Burma, French Indochina, and Rhodesia keep turning up. This must be a worldwide Zionist plot! By the way, Mister Doctor President, whatever happened to the Ottoman Empire and Persia?
You go on also to claim:
Quote
All governments have a duty to provide security and peace of mind for their citizens. For some years now, the people of your country [USA] and neighbors of world trouble spots do not have peace of mind. After 9-11, instead of healing and tending to the emotional wounds of the survivors and the American people - who had been immensely traumatized by the [9-11] attacks - some Western media only intensified the clim ate of fear and insecurity - some constantly talked about the possibility of new terror attacks and kept the people in fear. Is that service to the American people? Is it possible to calculate the damages incurred from fear and panic?
Again, how right you are. 9-11 was a fluke, just a one time event. The evil Bush should be conducting wellness seminars and grief counseling so we can heal our emotional wounds. We’d be better off forgetting all those other one time events also, like the first bombing of the WTC, all those embassies blowing up, that nasty USS Cole incident, that Achille Lauro thing, the Marine barracks in Beirut, that other hijacked airliner that the cowboy Reagan made jet fighters force a landing, that disco in Germany, the Munich Olympics, and am I forgetting anything?.....Oh, yes, our Embassy in Tehran being overrun with progressive students and holding hostages for 444 days. One of the captors even looked like you, but we know you’re a nice guy and you’d never condone such actions. Like FDR once said “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” Not wo nderful countries like Iran or Iraq.
You go on to further point out:
Quote
In countries around the world, citizens provide for the expenses of governments so that their governments in turn are able to serve them. The question here is: "What has the hundreds of billions of dollars, spent every year to pay for the Iraqi [and Afghan wars] campaign, produced for the citizens?"
As Your Excellency is aware, in some states of your country [USA], people are living in poverty. Many thousands are homeless and unemployment is a huge problem. Of course these problems exist - to a larger or lesser extent - in other countries as well. With these conditions in mind, can the gargantuan expenses of the [war] campaign - paid from the public treasury - be explained and be consistent with the aforementioned principles?
Wow! Great thinkers like Howard Dean, Cindy Sheehan, John Murtha, Ted Kennedy, John Kerry, Bill Clinton, Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro, Jimmy Carter, and Dick Durbin feel exactly the same way. You people together should hold a conference; like that Holocaust one you just had and I’m sure all of you put together will be able to solve all of the world’s problems. Please don’t forget to invite Hillary and we’ll be able to straighten out this mess in the Fall of 2008.
Finally, in your most important point made:
Quote
It is not my intention to pose too many questions, but I need to refer to other points as well. Why is it that any technological and scientific achievement reached in the Middle East region is translated into and portrayed as a threat to the Zionist regime? Is not scientific R&D one of the basic rights of [all] nations?
You are familiar with history. Aside from the Middle Ages, in what other point in history has scientific and technical progress been a crime? Can the possibility of scientific achievements being utilized for military purposes be reason enough to oppose science and technology altogether? If such a supposition is true, then all scientific disciplines, including physics, chemistry, mathematics, medicine, engineering, etc., must be opposed.
How true! Just because you’ve threatened to “wipe Israel off the face of the Earth” and the “Great Satan” too doesn’t mean we should take you for your word, which would be stupid. Progressive leaders like Hitler (PBUH) and Stalin (PBUH) have taught us that specific threats really have no meaning. A country awash in oil shouldn’t use it for energy, that’s why Iran needs a nuclear program. It’s just that simple, and I’m sure the Twelfth Imam pointed it out to you after you dropped that missive down the well.
In conclusion, we here at the People’s Cube believe you should be nominated for the 2006 Nobel Peace Prize along with Cindy Sheehan. This letter proves beyond a doubt that you are a true man of peace by reaching out to the evildoer Bush, who’ll never win that prize. It’s just a shame we have to wait until 2009 to get a Democratic President who’ll see eye to eye with you and do business in a proper and peaceful manner. Until then, we’ll just have to bide our time and wait for that glorious day.
Original text as published by Le Monde
http://www.lemonde.fr/web/imprimer_element/0,40-0@2-727571,50-769886,0.html
Mr George Bush, President of the United States of America
For sometime now I have been thinking, how one can justify the undeniable contradictions that exist in the international arena -- which are being constantly debated, specially in political forums and amongst university students. Many questions remain unanswered. These have prompted me to discuss some of the contradictions and questions, in the hopes that it might bring about an opportunity to redress them.
Can one be a follower of Jesus Christ (PBUH), the great Messenger of God,
...
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
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How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
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Dear Mahmoud,
I must insist that you stop stealing my material at once, otherwise you will face the full brunt of my team of lawyers. In case you forgot I was given permission to crack jokes about the Bush family in 1986 by Steve Martin in exchange for keeping certain pictures that were taken during his years of indiscretion. Sure I never used them when I spent years in the Norwich Comedy Club; sure I never got the chance to compare George Dubyah to an intestinal stomach parasite or even call his dad "Skeletor," but I retain the right to do so dammit!
From: "Jauhara al Kafirah"
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Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
