The Common Good

"We demand that the State shall make it its primary duty to provide a livelihood for its citizens."

Fidel Castro - Wrong. The Cuban citizens's livelihood is provided by the State of Florida.

John Edwards - Wrong. He would've specified which of the two Americas must provide and how much.

Barack Obama - Livelihood? Who needs that when you have CHANGE and HOPE?

Hillary Clinton - She was about to say it when she began to cry.

Adolf Hitler - Yes! Don't you love it when the trains run on schedule?

"Our individual salvation depends on our collective salvation."

Jesus Christ - No, but it may soon appear in the Democrat-approved issue of the Bible.

Ivan Pavlov - Wrong. He said, "My dogs' individual salivation depends on their collective salivation."

Barack Obama - Correct! He shall save us from our Collective Sin.

Mao Zedong - Salvation wasn't in his vocabulary.

"It's time to put the common good, the national interest, ahead of individuals."

Adolf Hitler - Nein. But his common good is still being retrieved from Swiss banks.

Hillary Clinton - Correct! She will decide what good should be common and what should not!

Benito Mussolini - Warmer. The unappreciative individuals hanged him by his feet at a gas station.

Mao Zedong - Almost there. When he put the common good ahead, 78 million individuals got squashed.

"Our nation can achieve permanent health only from within on the basis of the principle: The common interest before self-interest."

Joseph Stalin - Almost there! The people's common interest has led 100 million Soviets to receive a permanent health status.

Adolf Hitler - Correct. To see how the common interest can improve individual health, visit the SS-sanitarium in Dachau just outside of Munich.

Hillary Clinton - Wrong - unless you count the previous quote as a loose translation.

Barack Obama - Wrong. But there's still time.

It's time for a new beginning, for an end to government of the few, by the few, and for the few, and to replace it with shared responsibility for shared prosperity."

Vladimir Lenin - Nyet. He didn't use sloppy grammar.

Abraham Lincoln - No! What are you, a knuckle-dragging reactionary conservative?

Barack Obama - Wrong! Do you see HOPE and CHANGE in that sentence?

Hillary Clinton - Correct! Donate to her campaign and receive"Get Out of Jail Free" card.

"All individuals or groups are relative, only to be conceived in their relation to the State."

Karl Marx - Wrong! Obviously we're not spending enough money on teaching Marxism in schools!

Joseph Stalin - Close, but no show trial.

Benito Mussolini - Correct. Think not what the State can do for you.

Hillary Clinton - You lose. But we appreciate the thought.

"It's only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you realize your true potential."

Jim Jones - He just hitched the others and mixed the Kool-Aid.

Kim Jong Il - One might argue if this is what"No worries, I've got the Juche" really means.

Barack Obama - Correct. Join the glorious collective!

Adolf Hitler - Wrong. Not that he didn't hitch his wagon to socialism.

"We're going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good. "

Hillary Clinton - Correct. Give a donation and your things shall stay where they are now.

Vladimir Lenin - He didn't give a heads-up. He just did it.

Adolf Hitler - See above. Oh, the things he took away for the common good!

Robin Hood - He would probably say it if he were running for office.

"The world needs a new moral architecture... I believe that this should be the first topic to debate in our world of today, ethics, moral."

Barack Obama - Wrong. His first topic of debate is HOPE and CHANGE.

Hillary Clinton - Nice try.

John Edwards - A trial lawyer knows better than to mention ethics and morals.

Hugo Chavez - Correct. Help is on the way from Sean Penn and Cindy Sheehan.

"I am a fan of the social policies that you find in Europe."

Idi Amin - He might be a fan but he disagreed with the Europeans on culinary issues.

Pol Pot - European social policies didn't go far enough, so he pushed it a notch further in Cambodia.

Saddam Hussein - He appreciated the support, but he still preferred the times of National Socialism.

Hillary Clinton - Correct. The American Revolution didn't solve anything.

War

"Personal enrichment from war must be regarded as a crime against the nation. We demand therefore the ruthless confiscation of all war profits."

Diane Feinstein - Wrong. Her husband won't let her say it. He and his military contracts.

John Edwards - No, but he practiced saying it in front of the mirror many times.

Hillary Clinton - War profits are but a speck in the general scheme of things she would confiscate.

Adolf Hitler - Correct. History shows that his crackdown on war profiteering has stopped all wars from happening ever again and proved that a full government control of the economy is the only way to peace, love and harmony.

"The war in Iraq makes millions of dollars for big corporations, either weapons manufacturers or those working in the reconstruction, such as Halliburton and its sister companies. "

John Edwards - No, but he'd be glad to hire that speech writer.

Hillary Clinton - There are just too many offenders making millions and not donating to her campaign.

Osama bin Laden - Correct. He discovered the clitoris of the progressive movement and has been massaging it with both hands.

Noam Chomsky - No - at least not in these words.

"We hope that the great United States of America does not continue to use its enormous resources, especially its military might, to destroy human life on earth."

Hillary Clinton - Never say never and mind those mood swings!

Jimmy Carter - What enormous resources? You mean the malaise?

Idi Amin - Correct. Human life on earth was the source of his favorite delicacy - humans!

Al Gore - Wrong. That could be an annotation on the sleeve of his latest book, though.

"I don't oppose all wars. What I am opposed to is a dumb war. What I am opposed to is a rash war."

King Leonidas of Sparta - He died fighting for his country and let the gods sort out if it was dumb or not.

George Washington - No, but the progressives often call his Revolutionary War dumb and rash.

Barack Obama - Correct. It's not why we fight that matters, it's whether the President is a Democrat.

Napoleon Bonaparte - You call a war to spread French ideas to other countries dumb?

"The meaning of peace is the absence of opposition to socialism."

Karl Marx - Correct. Ever since, there hasn't been an attack on capitalism that the socialists didn't like.

Barack Obama - In his case, peace is the absence of opposition to HOPE and CHANGE.

Noam Chomsky - He prefers to call it libertarian socialism.

Ramsey Clark - He didn't say it but he has lived by it.

"We must confront the privileged elite who have destroyed a large part of the world."

Al Gore - That will be the annotation to his next book

Hillary Clinton - She's too busy confronting the privileged elite who have not yet contributed to her campaign.

Hugo Chavez - Correct. And he doesn't mean his friends among the privileged elite in socialist countries who have destroyed a large part of the world.

Karl Marx - Wrong. When he wrote the Communist Manifesto the world was still intact. Coincidence?

"There had to be a hysteria and a fear sent through America in order to get increased war budgets."

Al Gore - Wrong! All he did was call the Commander in Chief a traitor, as in "He betrayed this country! He played on our fears!"

The New York Times - Wrong! That would be plagiarism, and the NYT is above it.

Daily Kos - Wrong. But theoretically, if you chain 1000 Daily Kos posters to 1000 typewriters, over a few months they may put those words in exactly that sequence.

Julius Rosenberg - Correct. Read the New York Times for the latest updates.

"It is crystal clear who benefits from igniting the fire of this war and this bloodshed. They are the merchants of war, the bloodsuckers who run the policy of the world from behind the scenes: President Bush and his ilk, (and) the media giants."

Osama bin Laden - Correct. Thank Allah for that magic button!

Hugo Chavez - He speaks in shorter sentences.

Bill Maher - He wouldn't be disparaging the media giants.

Keith Olbermann - Not exactly - although he may have inspired it.

Life in a Democracy

"The trouble with free elections is, you never know who is going to win."

Al Gore - Nope, but he oughta know!

George W. Bush - No. The real trouble with free elections is, you never know which loser is going to sue the winner.

Hillary Clinton - No. The word 'free' only applies to health care and other government services.

Leonid Brezhnev - Correct. You win a Union-sponsored guided bus tour to the birthplace of Leonid Brezhnev.

"Crime is a product of social excess."

Barack Obama - No. Crime is Bush's fault.

Hillary Clinton - Crime is a product of the vast right-wing conspiracy.

Vladimir Lenin - Da. You win a coupon to get one relative out of political prison.

John Edwards - If he could speak like that he'd be a trial lawyer making millions! He is? Oh.

"It is true that liberty is precious; so precious that it must be carefully rationed."

Saddam Hussein - Liberty doesn't come close to oil and is easier to ration - just ask Kofi Anan.

Adolf Hitler - Nein. Arbeit Macht Frei

Benito Mussolini - He just couldn't ration it carefully enough.

Vladimir Lenin - Correct. Get an extra ration of toilet paper for this winter."

"Any kitchen maid should be able to run the country."

Hillary Clinton - She wouldn't qualify her experience in the White House in those terms.

Barack Obama - He would've referred to kitchen maid as Ladle Supervisor.

Vladimir Lenin - Correct. Get a one-day pass to the Politburo Kitchen and Conferencing Center.

Adolf Hitler - Not any kitchen maid - only a blonde one with healthy reproductive organs.

"Can a nation be free if it oppresses other nations? It cannot."

Osama bin Laden - No. Freedom can only be attained through submission to Allah.

Barack Obama - Wrong. That would contradict his belief in affirmative action.

Luis Farrakhan - No, but it could work for the Nation of Islam.

Vladimir Lenin - Correct. You are now allowed to listen to one rock'n'roll song by a Western music ensemble.

"I hope we will come together as a nation and do whatever it takes to keep guns away from people who have no business with them."

Vladimir Lenin - Close, but no vodka rations.

Hillary Clinton - Correct. The progressive community has no use for their carbon-based lives.

Fidel Castro - Close, but no cigar.

Mao Zedong - Wrong. His people were too poor to have guns.

"Ideas are more powerful than guns. We would not let our enemies have guns, why should we let them have ideas?"

Hillary Clinton - No, but it's a logical next step.

Adolf Hitler - Almost there.

Joseph Stalin - Correct. Report a gun-owning neighbor and move into his apartment!

Che Guevara - Close, but no Che T-shirt.

"The only way to settle questions of an ideological nature or controversial issues among the people is by the democratic method, the method of discussion, of criticism, of persuasion and education, and not by the method of coercion or repression."

Hillary Clinton - You wish.

Idi Amin - No, he settled political differences at the dinner table.

Barack Obama - No, he's still trying to find out the difference between HOPE and CHANGE.

Mao Zedong - Correct. Just replace the word "repression" with "criticism" and you're already a democrat.

"We have to build a political consensus, and that requires people to give up a little bit of their own turf in order to create this common ground."

Mao Zedong - Wrong. But he could tell you a lot about the common ground.

Joseph Stalin - Wrong. He required people to give up their relatives to create the common ground.

Idi Amin - Wrong. He required people to give up their livers.

Hillary Clinton - Correct. Why stick to your own turf if we can live happily in a government-issue cage?

Healthcare

"We demand the extensive development of insurance for old age."

Hillary Clinton - No, but she will make it the government's responsibility.

Joseph Stalin - Wrong. The State was the insurance, the doctor, the patient, and the disease all in one.

Barack Obama - Wrong, but there's a HOPE.

Adolf Hitler - Correct. That's why so many Germans had to die young.

"We need to be as well prepared to defend ourselves against public health dangers, as we should be to defend ourselves against any foreign danger."

Adolf Hitler - No, but he also treated public health as a military issue.

Joseph Stalin - See Hitler.

Fidel Castro - See Hitler and Stalin.

Hillary Clinton - Correct. And if it doesn't work we'll just round up all the doctors and shoot them as traitors.

"It requires that everybody be covered. It requires that everybody get preventive care."

Che Guevara - Wrong. He mostly dispensed shots in the prison courtyard, in the face at a close range.

Vladimir Lenin - Wrong. Go dig some more permafrost in the tundra.

Hillary Clinton - No, but give her time.

John Edwards - Correct. And that's both medical and trial lawyer insurance combined!

"I had a few ideas about health care, and I've learned a few lessons since then, but I haven't given up the goal."

Fidel Castro - No, but he's got a few other excellent ideas.

Pol Pot - No. His health care plan was stopped on its tracks by international imperialism.

Adolf Hitler - No, but he did invest heavily into medical experiments.

Hillary Clinton - Correct. Where there's life there's hope for Hillary.

Education

"The aim of the school must be to give the student, beginning with the first sign of intelligence, a grasp of the notion of the State."

Joseph Stalin - No. Where's the notion of the Party and the Great Leader?

Hillary Clinton - Wrong. First they must learn about the village. The State can wait until the second period.

John Kennedy - Wrong. Ask not what the Nanny State can do for you, but what you can do for the Nanny State!

Adolf Hitler - Correct. It's socialism, baby! The State owns you and you owe your life to it.

"Education is a weapon whose effects depend on who holds it in his hands and at whom it is aimed."

Mao Zedong - No, but he was committed to making life safer by shooting educators.

Joseph Stalin - Correct. Just like guns, education shouldn't fall into the hands of the kulaks.

Barack Obama - Wrong. The real political weapon is HOPE. But that is subject to CHANGE.

Hillary Clinton - Wrong. Education is under control. Guns are next.

"You young people, full of vigor and vitality, are in the bloom of life, like the sun at eight or nine in the morning. Our hope is placed on you."

Adolf Hitler - No, that's too gay.

Mao Zedong - Correct. It's always about the children.

Barack Obama - Wrong. Our HOPE is placed on CHANGE!

Hillary Clinton - Wrong. Her hope is placed on Hsu.

"Give me four years to teach the children and the seed I have sown will never be uprooted."

Hillary Clinton - Wrong. Eight years and to hell with the children!

Al Gore - Wrong. Children are bad for the planet

Barack Obama - No. He's one of the children carrying the seed.

Vladimir Lenin - Correct. You win a subscription to a 20-volume collection of Lenin's works.

Capitalism and War of Classes

"Too many people have made too much money."

Karl Marx - Wrong! If that were true the proletarian revolution would be doomed!

Al Capone - Wrong. There's no such thing as too much money.

Hillary Clinton - Correct. She knows who exactly and how much.

John Kerry - No, but he'd like to meet their widows.

"Capitalism leads us straight to hell."

Karl Marx - No! Hell is a fabrication of the ruling classes designed to keep the masses under control.

Paul Krugman - No. See Karl Marx.

Hillary Clinton - Wrong. You don't know the meaning of hell yet.

Hugo Chavez - Correct. Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man. Communism is the complete opposite.

"Mankind is divided into rich and poor, into property owners and exploited; and to abstract oneself from this fundamental division and from the antagonism between poor and rich means abstracting oneself from fundamental facts."

John Edwards - No, but he could sue the author for plagiarism.

Hillary Clinton - No, but she would hire that speech writer.

Joseph Stalin - Correct. You have the permission to watch one Hollywood movie about the lives of the rich.

Barack Obama - Wrong. Mankind is divided into those who HOPE and those who CHANGE.

"I certainly think the free-market has failed."

Hugo Chavez - No, but he is working on it to the best of his ability!

Hillary Clinton - Correct. There's not a problem that a good Five Year Plan can't fix.

Karl Marx - No, but he came up with the general idea in 1867 - and the market is still failing.

Vladimir Lenin - Wrong. See Karl Marx.

"Capitalists are no more capable of self-sacrifice than a man is capable of lifting himself up by his own bootstraps."

Vladimir Lenin - Correct. Get a coupon for a pair of imported Polish shoes with self-lifting bootstraps.

Hillary Clinton - No - and millions in campaign contributions from capitalists is the proof!

Barack Obama - No! Hope can lift us up by our own bootstraps! Yes we can! Yes we can!

John Edwards - No - he actually believes in lifting himself up by his own bootstraps, and did it on many occasions as a trial lawyer.

"(We) can't just let business as usual go on, and that means something has to be taken away from some people."

Don Carleone - Wrong. Must be a deleted scene.

Hillary Clinton - Correct. One sack of beets and potatoes a month for the middle class is quite enough.

Vladimir Lenin - No, he would've said "We will take everything and shoot your family."

Mao Zedong - "Some people?" How about half a billion people?

"I am convinced that the path to a new, better and possible world is not capitalism, the path is socialism."

Hugo Chavez - Correct. And what a shining path it is!

Hillary Clinton - No, she knows better than to say it for the record.

Adolf Hitler - No, but his National-Socialist Workers' Party had it on the agenda.

Vladimir Lenin - Wrong. Socialism is not an alternative, it is a total replacement of capitalism.

"We can't expect the American People to jump from Capitalism to Communism, but we can assist their elected leaders in giving them small doses of Socialism, until they awaken one day to find that they have Communism."

Howard Zinn - No, but it has been his life's work.

Noam Chomsky - See Howard Zinn.

Nikita Khrushchev - Correct. And then we will bury you.

Denis Kucinich - No, he wouldn't speak of himself in third person.

"First ascertain exactly the position of the various capitalists, then control them, influence them by restricting or enlarging, facilitating or hindering their credits, and finally (it) can entirely determine their fate."

Hillary Clinton - No, but she may include it in her State of the Union address.

Paul Krugman - You're getting hotter.

Vladimir Lenin - Correct. Get a month ration of imported toilet paper.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt - Almost there.

"It's time to send a clear message to what has become the most profitable sector in the entire economy, that they are being watched."

Don Carleone - No, he would've just given them an offer they couldn't refuse.

Chuck Schumer - Wrong. Not that he doesn't like to watch, though.

Vladimir Lenin - No. His real problem was with watching the watchers.

Hillary Clinton - Correct. She will watch it for us so we don't have to.

"The unfettered free market has been the most radically destructive force in American life in the last generation."

Ethel Rosenberg - Wrong. She knew all about the most destructive force and received orders from it.

Noam Chomsky - He wouldn't be implying there was a time when the free market was OK.

Hillary Clinton - Correct. We must find those responsible for unfettering it and have a show trial.

Hugo Chavez - If he thought that were true he would welcome it.

"The untrammeled intensification of laissez-faire capitalism and the spread of market values into all areas of life, is endangering our open and democratic society."

Hugo Chavez - See Kim Jong Il.

Benito Mussolini - See Hugo Chavez.

Kim Jong Il - No. North Korean open and democratic society is free of such dangers.

George Soros - Correct. Without laissez-faire capitalism it's easier to pull strings, manipulate the bureaucrats, and control world currencies. The profits are later invested into advocating for even more government control. It's a win-win.

"There is a serious tendency toward capitalism among the well-to-do peasants."

Hillary Clinton - In her village there are no well-to-do peasants.

Hugo Chavez - No, but anyone who's well-to-do is on his watch list.

Mao Zedong - Correct. A happy society is only possible when nobody is doing well.

George Soros - No, but he's all for stopping them. Who do those peasants think they are?

"The money has to go to the federal government because the federal government will spend that money better than the private sector will spend it."

Mao Zedong - What money?

Vladimir Lenin - What private sector?

Benito Mussolini - Obviously he wouldn't say "federal."

Hillary Clinton - Correct. That way your money will be shared fairly among all government agencies.

Life As Political Struggle

"Print is the sharpest and the strongest weapon of our party."

James Carville - Wrong. TV and Hollywood are the sharpest and the strongest weapons of the party.

Al Franken - Wrong. There's also Air America.

Arthur Schulzberger, Jr. - He didn't say it, but he made The New York Times a living proof of it.

Joseph Stalin - Correct. And by print he didn't necessarily mean the Soviet media.

"Destroy the family, you destroy the country."

Hillary Clinton - What family?

Medea Benjamin - What country?

Gloria Steinem - It can all go to hell as long as we destroy the White male hegemony first!

Vladimir Lenin - Correct. And if you denounce your family within the next five minutes you also get a free Macy's plastic bag with a red star.

"Passivity is fatal to us. Our goal is to make the enemy passive."

Al Gore - No, but he's working on a scientific consensus to prove it.

Mao Zedong - Correct. Beat their socks off every day just to remind them who's their daddy.

Barack Obama - No! Lack of CHANGE is fatal to us. Our goal is HOPE.

Hillary Clinton - No, but somehow all Hillary's enemies become more passive than others.

"I will fight against the division politics of revenge and retribution."

Adolf Hitler - Wrong. Whatever happened to his idea of a unified Germany?

Joseph Stalin - No, but he achieved an unprecedented conformity in his time. Just ask Trotsky!

Maria de' Medici - No, she just poisoned her enemies.

Hillary Clinton - Correct. Declare political opposition an enemy of unity and claim victory!

"Political work is the life-blood of all economic work."

George Soros - Wrong. But his Open Society Institute was created for exactly this purpose.

Barack Obama - Wrong. HOPE is the life-blood of all economic work.

Mao Zedong - Correct. And drawing blood eliminates the need in economic work completely.

Hillary Clinton - No, although her fundraising may suggest otherwise.

"I am particularly horrified by the use of propaganda and the manipulation of the truth and the revision of history."

Michael Moore - If the manipulation of the truth were wrong, would he be awarded with an Oscar?

Hillary Clinton - Correct. It takes the pot to call the kettle black.

Joseph Stalin - Wrong. But he too was appalled by it, particularly when it was done unprofessionally.

Joseph Goebbels - See Stalin.

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth."

Michael Moore - Wrong. He wouldn't disclose professional secrets.

Barack Obama - No. But that may CHANGE.

Vladimir Lenin - Correct. That's why the main Party organ Pravda means "The Truth."

Hillary Clinton - Wrong. What she said was "You just keep saying something no matter how untrue and unfactual it might be, over and over and over again, and try to drive the politics to meet your ideological or commercial agenda." Which is 25 words more than the original.

Personal

"I'm quite modest. I don't want to tell people I'm a leader."

Pol Pot - Correct. Don't ask, don't tell.

Al Gore - Wrong. It takes a leader to say that.

Hillary Clinton - Wrong. Just ask the White House security personnel.

Barack Obama - No, how would that inspire and and give HOPE to the constituents?

"Here it comes up again: the glorification of one personality. This is not good at all. I am just like everybody else."

Hillary Clinton - She's not like everybody else - she has more experience!

Barack Obama -He has more HOPE than everybody else!

John Edwards - No! He has better hair!

Vladimir Lenin - Correct. Get a free tour of the Lenin Mausoleum.

"I want to be a champion for the people I have fought for all my life - regular people."

Robin Hood - Wrong. He wasn't running for president.

John Edwards - Correct. Only the people got tired of it and voted him out.

Hillary Clinton - Wrong. Someone else beat her to it.

Barack Obama - No, but he sure hopes so.

"My object in life is to dethrone God and destroy capitalism."

Barack Obama - No, but many hope it's the change he's talking about.

Hillary Clinton - No, but she claims to have big experience in that area.

Michael Moore - No, but he did eat all the bread and fishes.

Karl Marx - Correct. Now that the Western world has become godless and socialist, it wishes Marx had also left them instructions on how to handle Mohammed and the Sharia law.

"Sometimes people mistake the way I talk for what I am thinking."

Ted Kennedy - No, but he sometimes mistakes Obama for Osama.

Idi Amin - Correct. When he called his opponent "lunch meat" he really meant he was hungry.

Hillary Clinton - There's no mistaking there. The difference is obvious.

Barack Obama - No, but sometimes people do mistake HOPE for CHANGE for CHANGE for HOPE.!

"Why do I have to keep proving to people that I am not a liar?"

O. J. Simpson - Wrong. And he has a glove to prove it.

Dan Rather - No, and he has a copy of the memo to prove it.

Barack Obama - Wrong. There's a big difference between a HOPE and a LIE!

Hillary Clinton - Correct. Lie is a non-word devised by the right-wing network to distract Hillary from redistributing their wealth.

"I never heard any such conversation."

Bill Clinton - No, but he feels your pain.

Hillary Clinton - No! What part of "I don't recall" don't you understand?

Sandy Berger - Come on, one sloppy error and you can no longer trust him with national security?

Ethel Rosenberg - Correct. She had a lot of HOPE and she was an agent of CHANGE.