I don't normally ask anybody to convert to American consumerism, but you seem to need my help, Mahmoud. I used to be like you. By Allah's will I was more inept at running my life than you are as the latest pooh-bah of Iran. I wanted to be a famous serial killer; I tried hard. I couldn't kill anybody. Bombs fizzled, guns jammed; knives fell apart, poisons turned out to be covert vitamins or aphrodisiacs. I couldn't even kill myself.
Finally, out of charity I didn't earn, Mother America made me into a zealous and pure consumer. Now, Mahmoud, unlike you, I squat like a Hindu god in my subterranean castle. I keep eating, drinking, playing fancy video games, snoozing whenever my caprice tells me to rest and slumber. I am isolated from the world of the Great Satan better than you are, you poor Shiite dunce. I don't have to produce anything - I only consume. I pray on the government-issue rug and read my taxpayer-funded Koran. Unlike you, you purblind boob, I'm not worried about anything. Isn't this happiness promised to us in the afterlife by Mohammed (PBUH)?
In your presidential palace, you are a beleaguered footman to fictional caliphs, ghostly courts, a lover of fake virgins, a vaporous cur in a coarse imaginary world. Listen to me, Mahmoud: you need not merely to threaten to destroy Israel or America but to seem to try to do it and fail - like me. There are several empty cells here I hear about from the rats. You need to occupy one of them. Allah knows I do. This buried heaven is not prison; it is Allah's deepest paradise. Come, Mahmoud, to America - to the inner heart of lovely Colorado. Join me in this consumer glory, in compassionate grace and perfect peace.
Bring lots of petroleum jelly,
Submitted by Matthew Paris (aka Buck Buncombe)
You've got mail. Sorry for the delay. Due to budget cuts the People's Mail has been just a little slow in arriving.
Dear Zacarias Moussaoui,
Ordinarily I delight in receiving mail from the People's Cube, but not this time. It's obvious you have succumbed to the evil temptations of the Great Satan that is the United States.
May Allah have mercy on your soul. I will not. You have failed us all and deserve the worst possible punishment. May a thousand camels trample your miserable soul.
Please say hi to all my friends at ThePeoplesCube, especially Hillary (the MTE).
Yours in Peace and Freedom,