The Party disciplines agent for wardrobe malfunction: Tim Vincent to dig trenches in the tundra


According to Laika the Space Dog, The Berlin Wall fell in 1989 - but the Soviet Union NEVER FELL! We are in camouflage. Shhh! Regrettably, some of our overly zealous comrades are breaking the camouflage rules and leaking the truth out. Thus, Access Hollywood's New York correspondent, Tim Vincent, a veteran of the BBC, has repeatedly sported a hammer and sickle T-shirt as he introduced a story (see video).

Like Che and Fidel, we have melted away in the jungles of America to continue the revolution. Like Lenin and Stalin, we have penetrated the tundra, the taiga, and the steppes of the American Motherland, regrouping for the '08 election. We keep our Red Star Radio receivers handy, awaiting the transmission from Laika to instruct us about the Party-approved course of action.

Comrade Vincent may claim the "useful idiot" defense, saying that he did it out of the devotion for The People's Cube, his single source of correct opinions - or claim "wardrobe malfunction," saying that his button accidentally went missing. Whatever it is, his actions have harmed the revolution in five ways:

• leaking secrets that reveal the Party's mass-edu strategy
  
• endangering our other agents in the trivial entertainment divisions
  
• exposing our penetration of mass media, thus turning off unsuspecting viewers who might otherwise remain open to indoctrination
  
• giving right-wingers (e.g., NewsBusters.org) an excuse for red-baiting
  
• diluting the People's Cube brand with unauthorized exposure

The Politburo has therefore decided that Comrade Tim Vincent must be disciplined with an iron fist of the revolutionary justice. He shall be sentenced to a year of daily self-criticism sessions involving a shovel. We trust he keeps his shovel well-oiled, sharpened, and properly holstered in accordance with the Party operating manual.

Our surveillance video tells us, however, that he keeps his proletarian shovel not on the wall next to the portrait of Stalin where it belongs - but behind the dresser in which he keeps his Red Army shirts.

We must tighten security so this kind of thing never happens again. Public executions would make the "comrades in disguise" think twice before they reveal their true identity.

The photo on the left, I believe, shows Mr. Vincent after his sex-change operation. It also appears that, post-operation, the T-shirt was sliced open to remove the hammer and sickle. Therefore, I feel that your criticism of him is A) Unwarranted, and B) Discriminatory against People of Transgender.

Let's be more careful before making hurtful remarks, shall we?

I say the Party should strip him of his shovel and give him a garden spade instead...

LET HIS BOY BANDISH FACE BLISTER UNDER THE THE PENETRATING (dont snicker) POWER OF THE PEOPLES REVOLUTIONARY WILL!!