|Former Vice President Al Gore, known for his technological exploits, has recently unveiled another useful device, which he dubbed Time Machine. It runs on shredded paperwork, thus saving our planet's non-renewable energy resources. It is also allegedly capable of traveling in time. The People's Cube correspondent met with Mr. Gore in his garage, where the inventor had just finished painting his creation with lead-free, biodegradable green paint.|
"Mr. Gore, if I say that your invention can change the course of human progress, will that be an exaggeration?"
"Well then, how exactly will it change the course of human progress?"
"For one thing, we can correct and streamline our history, to make it more, uhm, progressive."
"Could we, perhaps, eliminate Joe McCarthy before he becomes Senator?"
"That would be unwise. McCarthyism is an important ideological weapon helping us win just about any argument with right-wingers. If McCarthy didn't exist he'd have to be invented. The same goes for Hitler, Mussolini, and bin Laden. We must also make sure my invention doesn't fall in the wrong hands. We don't want Republicans to get Ronald Reagan's advice on foreign policy."
"So what exactly can you do to correct our history?"
"We can enhance national security."
"By going back in time, don't you see?"
"You mean, everybody? So the terrorists can't find us?"
"That's as good a plan as any. Will require a lot of shredded paperwork, though."
"I see. Would it be possible, perhaps, to go back in time and locate certain documents pertaining to your Administration's handling of national security, and shred them before they become classified?"
"I believe Sandy Berger took care of that already. Only he traveled in time manually, so to speak, with a pair of socks and scissors," the inventor laughed, bringing much needed comic relief to the serious discussion.
"Can you go back and recount ballots in Florida once more?"
"Why do you ask?" Al Gore frowned.
"I just thought that time travel will allow you to recount ballots over and over, as often as you wish. No time limit, no interference from the courts."
"Tipper!" Vice President blew the horn on his Time Machine. "Tipper! Can't you keep your big fat mouth shut?"
"Tipper told me nothing, Mr. Vice President. I'm just trying to think of how we can straighten out history and help America. For instance, you could go back in time and prove that the Rosenbergs never passed nuclear secrets to the KGB."
"How silly. Every college-educated person knows that that never happened, and Red Scare was but baseless, unjustified witch hunt."
"Then how exactly is your time machine supposed to advance human progress?"
"Well, I don't know. I've done Florida already - as Tipper have obviously told you - so let's see... I suppose I can bring Karl Marx to modern-day America and have him sort out Bush's tax cuts and social security reform."
"Is that really possible?"
"Don't question Karl Marx, young man. His theory is infallible. It is us who fail to implement it correctly due to our sinful, greedy human nature aggravated by conservative Republican policies."
"I would never question Marx, sir. I was just asking if you could really revive Marx and bring him to us."
"Absolutely. The other day I time-traveled to Moscow and revived Lenin."
"You did what?"
"It was a scientific experiment. History will thank me for that."
"Did you bring him to Washington?"
"I didn't. The man is a maniac. Just out of Mausoleum and he's already posing for cameras and petting children. The next minute he sees a Pierre Cardin store on Red Square and starts agitating from the balcony, ordering the proletarians to loot the looters and burn down the mall. Washington? You'd think one Al Sharpton is enough, thank you very much."
"So where is Lenin now?"
"How do I know? I let him loose in Russia, let's see what happens."
| "If you were to take another trip in time, what would it be?" I asked my last question.|
"I'm glad you asked. I want to travel into the future and bring back the unbiased proof of imminent global warming. I will bring back tales of horrific, devastating environmental disasters that will make everyone's blood curl in their veins! No more excuses avoiding the Kyoto Treaty! I will bring back photographs of scorched caribou corpses littering the Alaskan pipeline! I will bring back witnesses - crippled, burnt, mutilated victims of this administration's policies who will tell the horrifying story of Earth turning into living burning hell! I will play on your fears like a fiddle, and I will show it all exclusively on the new TV Channel I'm starting with Joel Hyatt. It's called "Current" and is set to launch August 1 this year. Stay tuned!"
As I was about to leave Al Gore's garage I ran into Sandy Berger. The former national security adviser dragged in a large plastic bag filled with what appeared to be shredded paperwork to fuel Al Gore's time travel bound to change the course of human progress.