Anal Jihad is in the focus of reluctant public attention again, three years after a half-assed attempt at assassination of a Saudi official with a pound of explosives stuck up a jihadist's rectum. Back then we made a parody of an Al-Qaeda training video titled, Get Lucky With A Bomb Up Your Butt. Among other useful butt-bombing tips, the video encouraged Jihadists to find a butt buddy in order to widen their bomb-storage facility and make them accustomed to the pleasure of martyrdom. Unfortunately, life has the nasty habit of imitating our parodies.
Raymond Ibrahim reports about a new fatwa that explicitly legitimizes sodomy and even makes it obligatory if it helps to wage Jihad on the unbelievers. An Arabic news video is making the rounds on the Internet, in which an Islamic scholar earnestly, almost word-for-word, restates the People's Cube points, informing jihadists of an "innovative and unprecedented way to execute martyrdom operations: place explosive capsules in your anus. However, to undertake this jihadi approach you must agree to be sodomized for a while to widen your anus so it can hold the explosives."
See for yourselves. (WARNING: ADULT CONTENT)
Did you know that the word "ASS-ASS-IN" comes from the Middle East? What social loser wouldn't like to take one in the ass for Allah? Become a butt-bomber in five easy steps with this butt-stuffing video. Have your butt buddy "get you off" with a text message while you have your final orgasmic experience of a lifetime. 'Ass-ass-ination' will never feel the same again.
Al Qaeda: We shove bombs up our butts!
Step 1: Explosives.
If you have been watching my series you know how to make explosives. But because this one will go up your butt you must mix it with polymers to stiffen it up for ease of insertion, and mold it into the only shape that Allah provided to get the job done.
Make it smooth, textured, or lovingly bumpy, but make sure it is a perfect fit for you. Before you decide on the width and length, insert a vegetable, like carrot or cucumber up your bung and walk with it. Don't be afraid to play Goldilocks and try different sizes. Something too long may create the tent-pole phenomenon in the back of your pants.
When you make calculations, don't confuse the circumference with the diameter. We don't want you to become jaded and go on a mission with a defeatist attitude or with impossibly high expectations.
Step 2: Lubricants.
KY Jelly or rendered rancid sheep fat? Hmmmm... You may find that KY dries rather rapidly. Of course use rendered rancid sheep fat! That way there will be no unfamiliar smell to give you away. It will also throw off the sniffing dogs. It is safe unless the airports start fluoroscoping all travelers with Preparation H.
I knew a butt-bomber, a very sweet young man, who went for spicy cinnamon oil to avoid the bomb detectors. But they spotted him because of the squirming. The bomb was withdrawn prematurely.
Some believe that petroleum-based lubricants offer the best secondary explosion, but that is an old wife's tale. Even water-based brands contain ingredients to enhance the incendiary effect, with or without the warming sensation. Glycerin can be found in KY Jelly, Sylk, Astroglide, Probe, and Aqualube. But be careful because the sugar can encourage yeast growth. Stop using any product that causes skin irritation.
Step 3: Preparation (stop worrying and learn to love the bomb)
Find yourself a butt buddy. For starters let him send a gerbil up your bung through the cardboard tubing from a paper towel roll. It will widen your bomb-storage facility and make you accustomed to the pleasure and accept it as desirable.
Then take turns practicing with Doc Johnson Pocket Rocket. It always hits my sweet spot. But of course modern technology has created masterpieces that rotate, vibrate, thrust, jiggle, wiggle, squirt, and simply bring out a wilder side to anyone who uses them. Be creative. Some use al-Qaeda anal beads, but they're not for everybody.
When you get good at it, proceed with Allah Fisting! Show your dedication to Allah by opening up to Him! But tell your butt buddy to remove his ring.
Make it closer to field conditions by inserting a telephone set on vibrate. You'll find it fun once you get past the buttons. Or is it the other way around? It's undetectable and hands free. You can even learn to send and receive secret messages. How do you think I have avoided the CIA for so long?
The possibilities are endless! Do you see my AK 47 rifle behind my back? No? I didn't think so. It fits completely, but it takes time to pull it out. In my other videos I have bookshelves in the background. I could pull them out too. Maybe for the next video. I like to keep my Koran and Hadith handy, so to speak.
Step 4: The big O.
A wise man said, go West, young man, and blow up with the country! By all means! Stick the bomb up your butt and go! The thought of a butt bomb can be scary to some. But you will find yourself having a fun time if you follow my advice.
Think of it as a blind date. Don't be late. Check your calendar. Remember that the Ramadan Fast provides us with extra bomb storage. Cancel all appointments and keep the phone lines clear. Pray to Allah that no one will text you a random joke and your Mom doesn't call you to ask about the condition of your butt itch.
Play it safe by going off in a public place. Wear clothes that give you confidence. Carrying penis-shaped explosives in your butt can be stressful enough, so you better feel like you're at the top of your game. Choose a location that is free of mushy memories. And you don't want a spot where you might run into an old friend from school or a relative. This can make things awkward, especially if you start exchanging phone numbers. They may try to test it and send you a text message. That could be embarrassing.
Step 5: Paradise.
This is the part where you stop worrying. Your training has prepared you for an eternity of pleasures. Meet the 72 houris. Allah willing you won't be fit for any other recreational activity. There may not be any lubricants, but there sure will be plenty of sand. With your extra-wide rectum you'll be one happy martyr. Others will not be so lucky. And that is the whole point of becoming a butt bomber.
Good luck! And please support our sponsors:
Purple Jihad - Dye for Allah - Color-coded beard dye formulas.
It's Just for Men! Females caught using it will be severely punished!
Sodom Tourism & Culture Society invites you to visit the ancient Arab city
and explore its roots in a romantic getaway for two or more.
Sodom: the backdoor entrance to the Middle East.
Richard Gere took no part in making this video. Special thanks to Barbra Streisand for the fabulous music. (Music score: "How lucky can you get" by Barbra Streisand followed by an explosion).
"Law enforcement officials have to be lucky every time. Terrorists only need to be lucky once."
Red Square...three years after a half-assed attempt at assassination of a Saudi official with a pound of explosives stuck up a jihadist's rectum.
Or to quote The Word-Drum from the "Everyone Loves Ahmadinejad Rally & Fun Activities Thread" whoMy people are beautiful
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