Don't trust your mother. Only trust me. The economy is booming.
Using an aspirin bottle between your knees as a method of birth control is no good. Michelle tried it -- to this day she still can't find the bottle.
Republicans, just like Jews, eat children. Keep your eye on them. The economy is booming!
Michelle has stopped eating for a minute. Oops, take that back – she started again.
Santorum will ban abortion. If you vote for me, not only will all abortions be free, but Michelle, I, of Katherine Sebelious will personally perform one for you.
All flags are to be flown at half-mast, in honor of our sister, Whitney Houston, who was brutally murdered in a racially-motivated attack by two republicans named Santorum and Mitt. I will christen a Navy ship with her name.
Rick Santorum killed Whitney Houston simply because she was black. And the economy is booming.
Michelle lost another dress size -- she’s down to a 44. You go, girl!
Don't believe the GOP lies that my healthcare plan will limit cancer screenings. Vote for me you'll never get cancer.
Do you realize that the forty dollars ya'll just got from me will buy NBC's Andrea Mitchell TEN bottles of aspirin to put between her knees? Always lookin' out for ya. Santorum molests children.
When Santorum was in prison, he sold drugs – to Romney. I happen to know this for a fact.
Michelle finally got a pair of high heels reinforced with rebar. So don’t be funnin’ me about suddenly being short!
Hey, check out how I’m quietly decimating the military, and how I've added the head of the National Guard to dilute the power of the Joint Chiefs of Staff (all on Bill Ayers' advice). Military coup, my ass!
I have it on good authority Katherine Sebelious likes walking around in lingerie and wearing an SS hat and boots. But you didn’t hear it from me.
Michelle had a little accident today: she got her trunk got caught in the limo door while reaching for a peanut. I can promise you, no one’ll be seeing that secret service guy anymore.
Republicans ended Canada's long-gun registry so as to get me, just when the economy is starting to boom. Santorum reportedly just came back from Canada, carrying something long, wrapped in a blanket.
Napolitano says Santorum knows all our addresses and he's watching our every move. If you see him, he is armed and dangerous. If you feel threatened, call your local Occupy Captain for instructions. In the meantime, apply for food stamps and contact Sibelious to turn in your parents.
Christian or Jew songs in school are not allowed because they interfere with a woman's right to choose. But Muslim songs will be allowed because they are responsible for General Motors having its greatest profits ever.
Whitney would have sung Muslim songs if that child-molesting republican Rick Santorum didn't murder her. When in doubt what you're allowed to eat or sing, contact Sibelious office for guidance.
Current Speaker of the House Pelosi says 99% of Catholics use birth control. And Catholics trust me more than their church. (John Bohehner is no longer House Speaker -- trust me, I am a Constitutional law scholar, along with my other achievements no one seems to know about.)
Rev. Sharpton was on a secret mission for the CIA when he was intercepted by traffic officers today. I can tell you this: it is because of these secret efforts that we discovered Mitt Romney's past as a child-molesting priest and that House Speaker John Boehner is a demon. Power to the people!
I'm sorry to have to report this, but Rick Santorum is pro-female genital mutilation. If you must be around him, be sure to keep your pants on. Better yet, put an aspirin bottle between your knees and hang onto it like grim death.
And all of that is WITHOUT the #truthteam! Just imagine the Twitters with them!
Unfortunately, I couldn't make it to Whitneys' "end-of-service" service today, but I was there in spirit. I heard Brad Pitt fainted at the sight of the corpse, was taken outside, then threw up. Ha!
Gas prices are the highest ever this year, just like GM profits! Remember, high gas prices mean the economy is growing. Republicans do not like black people.
Just kickin' it in bed, watching Michelle get undressed. Makes me think about the impermanence of youth, and what it must look like to fly alongside the Himalayas.
Michelle really needed that Aspen ski vaca , Reggie whatcha doing tonite? Don't forget to Donate!!
Just got off the phone with Bill Ayers, and got directions. Wait till Boehner sees what I pull on him Monday.
We'll probably bomb Iran near the election. We'll let the Jews go in first to thin out the Iranian forces and get themselves killed, then we'll move in and I'll take credit for the victory. At least that's the scenario Bill Ayers is advising. Has anyone seen Sharpton's car?
Whitney’s death is probably a good time to remind ya'all that the death/estate tax will soon only be 55%!!
golfing again, my back swing is way better than farrakhan's... will be at the unemployment line for campaign foto-op later because this is the worse depression this country has ever faced and i care, don't forget it's bush's fault.....need more stimulus money.....
Need more stimulus money. Michelle wants another pair of earrings.
Whew - just had the worst nightmare: I was dreaming Boehner grew balls, and I was being impeached. Good thing Michelle had gas, and woke me up. Be right back, I gotta open a window...
Robert FineWhew - just had the worst nightmare: I was dreaming Boehner grew balls, and I was being impeached. Good thing Michelle had gas, and woke me up. Be right back, I gotta open a window.
Barack Obama @Barack Obama
C*ap, that wasn't a fart. Staffer will change sheets in the morning.
no lobster again at last nite's fund raiser in SF (AKA: Slush Fund) just king crab and wagyu beef.... i am not the food stamp president.... i have never ever used food stamps (but i feel your pain)....just another republican lie.....
note to self...need napolitano to tighten the canadian border some more, the canadian illegals don't vote democrat.....
Note to self: stop Kerry from warning Romney about flip-flopping when facing an unpopular incumbent...
Eleven AM, just getting out of bed for a full day’s work, till I knock off at 3. Michelle's still snoring away. Scarlet Johansen just texted she’d wear her panties half-staff at her knees to honor Whitney if she can sing happy birthday at my next party. Who keeps giving her my email address?
can sqeeze in another 9 holes of golf in this am. will blow off nation security meeting about iran as we as picking out the uniforms for the truth team today! soros and i really like the brown colored ones,
yes i am a deeply deeply religous (spelling?) man, need for michelle to dig out my traditional somali turban and clothes for isra’ & mi’raj and then later on for ramadan as i'll be praying and fasting. don't forget i'll stop by the white house easter egg hunt for just a few minutes to do a quick photo-op, enter our truth team contest & win your chance to have your pic taken with me there....
supreme court met last friday to discuss whether or not to hear "purpura v. sebelius" which is just another republican attempt to challenge the constitutionality of my health care bill and, if you can believe it, my eligibility to hold office!! i really see no need for sotomayor and kagan to recuse themselves do u?!?
Strangest thing today at lunch: James Carney jumped up from his chair, threw me the Nazi salute and yelled "Mein Fuhrer -- I can walk!" Then he sat down like nothing happened. It freaked everyone out (Michelle never even stopped eating). Has anybody else seen him do things like us, or are we just lucky or something?
why all the fuss about iran, mahmoud ahmedinajad friended me on facebook....
Horrible realization today. I was on the pot looking at pictures in a magazine, and realized: Holy crap -- there are not enough stars on the flag! Therefore, as sure as I flushed, I will issue an executive order tomorrow increasing the number of stars on the flag to 57. I'm just not sure how we'll fit them. Maybe we'll put the extra on the stripes. Ideas, anyone?
OK, ignore my previous Tweet. We'll just be changing the flag to my campaign logo. I already plan on showing Putin how to REALLY be President for Life anyway.
Alright, back to being presidential, because tomorrow is president's day, honoring me, because I am the president. Therefore, in my honor, I order everyone to get another $40 from the treasury. (Don't worry about it affecting the deficit -- on April 15th, I will order you to give back 80.)
Barack Obama @Barack Obama
Have a nice president's day, but remember this: if Santorum wins, all people of color will be put in prison, forced to do menial labor for rich white Catholics, making license plates for their Rolls Royces -- which, as you know, were paid for by the sweat and blood of poor Latinos.
Santorum's claim that my 'phony theology' is not based on the bible is a lie. My phony theology is completely based on the bible. Death to Israel!
Finally heard from Michelle on the slopes in Aspen. I was worried, after hearing about that avalanche that killed those 3 skiers in Washington state -- she has caused avalanches before.
Contraceptives and abortion are patriotic and a national security issue. This makes Santorum a double traitor!
I do not have a silver bullet solution for skyrocketing gas prices. Instead, I propose a plant-like substance, algae, as a way of cutting our dependence on oil. The oil we save, we can use as a substitute to cut down on our future algae dependence. Therefore, I will be shortly be announcing production of a new automobile, called the Chevy Fishtank.
I have it on good authority that Mormons eat babies. As people, they're even worse than Jews. Maybe not even human beings. I asked Michelle, and she said even she's never eaten a baby, despite being hungry and the baby being served piping hot -- and at no charge. (OK, so she ate the leg -- she said it tasted like chicken. But she said if she had to pay for it with her own money, she wouldn't have gone near it.) As always, death to Israel!
Got Breitbart out of the way. Man, that was close.
Got Geroge Will out of the way. Didn't even have to kill him.
This killing people is fun. I'm open to suggestions. (And don't tell me "Romeny," 'cause we're already working on that.)
There's a new marshall coming to town. His name is "Martial Law." (Martial law is good: it's like socialism, only better.) Death to all capitalist pigs except Warren Bufffet and Jefferly Imelt!