Carney Barker Bob: Hussein Obama's Information Minister

In an age of spin, Carney Barker Bob offers feeling and authenticity. His message is consistent no matter the evidence - and yet he commands daily attention by his on-the-spot, invective-rich variations on the theme. His lunatic counterfactual art is more appealing than the banal awfulness of the Reliable Sources. He is a Method actor in a production that will close in a few months. He stands superior to truth.

These are his all-time favorite gems:

"There are no Republicans in Washington. They are not in control of Congress. It is all an illusion."
"There is no Wall Street money in the White House. Never!"
"I triple guarantee you, the economy is booming!"
"Bring on the economic numbers. We will welcome them with our shoes."
"The First Lady is worshiped throughout the world."
"Budget deficit is an illusion caused by the lack of taxation."
"The sea levels have dropped like an old shoe!"
"Forces of capitalism are being slaughtered. They have just lost their beloved trickle-down economics."
"Rebels are being audited."
"Barack Obama is heterosexual."
"The US Constitution is not worth an old shoe."
"We have crushed Christianity. May Allah roast their stomachs in Hell!"
"The cowardly Catholics are retreating on all fronts. We feed them death and hell!"
"Their fetuses are committing suicide by the thousands."
"Who is this dog Santorum in Pennsylvania?"
"Michelle Obama has never been on vacation. Ever."
"Michelle Obama is a woman."
"Republicans do not lead us in the polls. This is a lie. May the Rasmussen be accursed."
"These villainous louts at Fox News deserve to be beaten with shoes."
"Zionism is all about lies. Iran is not building a nuclear bomb."
"I blame Al-Jazeera - they are marketing for Israel!"
"Sharia Law is not the problem. Women showing their ankles is the problem."
"Republicans are waging War on Women."
"We issued a warning to the civilian population not to listen to Rush Limbaugh. Do not repeat his lies."
"I saw it with my own eyes. Republicans captured and waterboarded a young lady at the pool in Sheraton. They are war criminals"
"We have taxed their sweat, their blood, and their tears. And look - we have taxed them into prosperity!"
"Supply and demand are now history. We are winning!"
"Lying is forbidden in this White House. Barack Hussein Obama will tolerate nothing but truthfulness."
"The president's transgendered nanny ate his birth certificate."
 

Like this? Roving Carney.



 

Superlative Comrade Square,

I commend you for creating this list of quotes from memory! Your built in lie detector works very well. Is this his imitation of "Flat Fatima?"

These details are to confusing for me!
 

"There are no Republicans in Washington. They are not in control of Congress. It is all an illusion."

WRONG! The Rethuglicans are RUINING ALL DEAR LEADER'S GLORIOUS PLANS! THEY ARE PREVENTING HIM FROM BRINGING US HOPE AND MORE CHANGE! The Rethuglicans are ILLEGALLY controlling the entire Congress as well as the Executive and Judicial Branches (as Comrade Schumer would say, the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost branches of government.) These usurpers have PREVENTED the honorable and earnest Democrat majority from passing a budget for over three years! They PREVENTED the Democrat majority from voting on Obama's PASS THIS DAMN JOBS BILL NOW! jobs bill last summer! They almost bankrupted the entire country last August by refusing to pay our debts until the kind souls of Greece lent us a few Euros at the last moment and President Obama was able to take out a new bank loan while Boehner was playing one of his thousands of rounds of golf. But then the Rethuglicans retaliated by BANKRUPTING GREECE!

How have they managed this? It's as if GEORGE BUSH WERE STILL PRESIDENT! It's ILLEGAL but they refuse to let Eric Holder investigate their crimes and they are persuing some raaaaacist vendetta against him for allegedly looking the other way while Sarah Palin sold guns and liquor to the Mexicans. I don't understand how they are getting away with it. It must be some kind of tea-bagging voodoo, I tell you! THEY ARE DESTROYING OUR UTOPIA!
 

The Force is strong with you, comrade Opiate!

P.S. These are not the droids you are looking for.
 

The Democratic National Committee Socialists aren’t taking part in a War on liberty.

 

Red Square

The Force is strong with you, comrade Opiate!

P.S. These are not the droids you are looking for.

I have been well-schooled in the prevailing People's revolutionary narrative, comrade. That, plus the hitherto unknown hallucinogenic effects of over-fermented beet juice.
 

"There is no Peoplescube. Quite sadly, you are all victims of a strange illusion, foisted upon you by several Jews, and one slut."
 

A revised version:


 

That's Michelle, always up for a second helping.

Quantitative eating major White House crisis. The Rose Garden has been plowed under to produce more food for the First Lady. Secret Service now farms full time, "The President needs to fend for himself". First Lady Michelle has virtually emptied the D. C. super markets which causes panic city wide. White House chef commits suicide.


 

Thank goodness Gaia that there is finally a media spokesman who can Tell The Truth™ about the Heroic Successes of Commissar Obama (PBUH)! And it's about time - the so-called "State Media" have not run an adulatory news article about The One in well over six two one hour now! Perhaps Commissar Holder should send some agents from his Bureau of Payback to visit the "news" rooms of the less enthusiastic media outlets...
 

Looks like the People's Hero's Court Jester stole that uniform at Castro's funeral.
 

You missed one:

Zampolit Blokhayev does not feed misinformation to the White House Press corps.
 

"There are no Kenyans in the White House! Never!"
 

A good sign for the first companion's neck "Do not Feed Me", or "Nasty When Hungry".
 

 

We do not speak supply and demand here. These are out of date presuppositions from academic triangles.