Scientists: If your mouth is already on the floor, you have an evolutionary advantage over those who need to bend over
Progressive researchers and politicians alike are encouraged by last month's discovery of a genetic mutation that reverses human evolution to its starting point. Those affected by the Backward Evolution Syndrome (BES) walk on all fours and speak a primitive language. The mutation that has afflicted a family in Turkey has stripped them of the genes that let humans walk upright, returning them to the pre-human state of quadrupedalism, or four-limbed walking. Many scientists hope that BES will reveal the secrets of human origins. But researchers at the Karl Marx Treatment Center see it as an exciting opportunity to correct human evolution, which has gone terribly wrong.
"Humankind has made a wrong turn somewhere in its development," says the Center's Chief Scientist Dr. Fuku. "It has evolved individualism, greed, competition, and private property. Ever wondered why socialism never worked anywhere it's been tried? Bad genes."
"This is what the idyllic Golden Age looked like," says known environmental scientist Al Gore. "Imagine Earth populated by quadrupedal people incapable of drilling for oil, driving cars, or cultivating fields. We must immediately spend millions of taxpayers' dollars on genetic research to replicate the syndrome on a broader scale. Anything less will be a crime against nature."
Some members of the academia, however, argue that "reverse evolution" is not a glitch in the DNA but a product of successful adaptation to a progressive world that increasingly leans towards socialism. Natural selection prefers people who can do things like menial agricultural labor, scrounging for food scraps, etc. If your mouth is already on the floor, you'll have an evolutionary advantage over those who need to bend over.
Regardless of what the real cause of the syndrome is, Democrat politicians are already looking into ways to channel federal funds into "reverse evolution genetics" so that they can create a new "victim group" with an attractive voting potential. "Forget public schools!" says Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) "Backward evolution is a much better way to achieve a homogenous, tractable society ruled by enlightened elites who dispense favors out of the sheer greatness of their hearts. It's a democratic ideal worth fighting for."
The Democrat Mayor of New Orleans Ray Nagin has even come forward with a proposal to repopulate the city with the quadrupeds whom he considers the perfect electorate. Fearing that many of his old constituents might never come back, he stated, "By refusing to return to New Orleans, my old electorate have betrayed decades of government handouts, appeasement, and forced inactivity. But if our Democratic utopia didn't work for them, it'll surely work for the quadrupedal bunch."
"This is how people looked like before individualism, greed, and private property corrupted them into conservatism," says the DNC chairman Howard Dean. "Reverse evolution is our key to a just, equitable world free of deviants like Karl Rove or Rush Limbaugh. A genetically engineered human race will be kinder, gentler, more sensitive to the needs of the Democrats to take back the Senate and the White House."
The stakes are high. ACLU lawyers have filed lawsuits demanding special rights and focus groups for Quadrupedal-Americans, a new progressive minority whose culture is equally valid, if not superior to the mainstream American culture.
Right-wing social commentators, however, remain skeptical: "We've seen this syndrome before in welfare recipients," says our own $$ Halliburton. "Unaware of time and space, speaking their own primitive language with only a few hundred words, and capable of leaving the couch for short periods, with flexed knees (mostly to cash welfare checks and purchase alcohol), the syndrome develops after a few generations living off handouts. It's just like fish that mostly lose their eyes after living in dark caves for generations, but they can re-evolve them upon resuming life at the surface. Humans can also re-evolve upright walking, even after years of government dependency, that's why human DNA can't be trusted by liberals. But a pre-human DNA might do the trick."
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