From: Lord Reginald Higgenbotham III Esq.
Dear Mr. Imus,
I really cannot seem to fathom what this big row is all about. Why would anyone get distraught regarding your observation of a small number of nappy-headed hoes? Tut tut! What has gotten into you Yanks? I say, so what! If some young birds like to wear nappies (or as you Americans say "diapers") on their heads, what is so bloody "racist" about the mere mention of it? I submit that wearing nappies on one's head sounds a bit queer, but unless this is some twisted version of "A Clockwork Orange" that has gone horribly awry, I cannot comprehend what the entire ruckus is about.
Some people say that you used a "sexist" remark. You didn't harass them for cross-dressing, did you? Now that would be sexist. After all, cross-dressing is fun to do, especially when Margaret Thatcher was Prime Minister and we all dressed up when Elton John would grace us with his presence at concerts. But alas, I stray from my point.
With all due respect Mr. Imus, nevertheless had you said they were the Rutgers rug-munching, vulva-licking bull riders or horse-faced, apple-eating, whisker-biscuit sperm receptacles, I could see the nags getting a little bit poutish, but you said nothing to cause them to sack you! It was just a harmless little analysis! Quite frankly, I think this whole thing is absurd! They bloody do look like hard-core, butch-dyke, bearded-clam diving, vagitarian tarts! So bully for you!
Luckily we here in the U.K. don't have to muck around with all that "free speech" twaddle, because we haven't any! All opinion and information is cautiously filtered through the B.B.C. and therefore no harmful or criminal thoughts can injure the public. We pride ourselves of being the centre of culture and vulgar people are not allowed to voice their wretched opinions without consent from our Majesty or the Ministry.
Another thing that has me puzzled is, what is the great harm in your observation that girly basketball players use garden equipment, specifically hoes? When my wifey toils in the olde Victory garden, she frequently uses a hoe. When she's working, I go to the Stone Pig Pub for my Wednesday six pint romp. After I get good and pissed, I tell everyone in the village that my lady is the best hoer around! Does that make me a sexist? I think not, because everybody laughs out loud when I say it. Whatever, I'm tired and believe I shall fetch me some buttered scones and tea.
I hope you get your situation back olde boy; if not, there is one available here for someone like you. Yes olde boy, someone such as you, going about hating everybody, thinking that all men are inherently evil and can never be trusted. You are the gold standard of bitter, wretched olde men who presuppose that everyone is always in need of the strict direction and control of an all-powerful omnipotent government. Over here, we are of the opinion that by giving a man a good pranging every once in a while, he soon forgets all about that "liberty" stuff. Thank goodness you colonists are slowly coming around to our point of view and censoring all sorts of speech, then twisting it around to sound as if asking for lower taxes is tantamount to open rebellion against your own benevolent government and you ought to be hung from the highest lanyard for treason.
Lord Reginald Higgenbotham III, Esq.,
Westchesterfield, Staffordshire Proper, Great Britain
* W.R.M.A.T.D.T.B.T.S.C. = Well-Respected Man About Town Doing The Best Things So Conservatively
|This Open Letter was encoded and transmitted to our Party Organ from this Party Organ directly and in person by "Dave." His exact words: "It is a letter secretly lifted from the dust bin of a old British manor, deep in the basement coal furnace. Luckily it survived intact to prove to you that the British are sympathizers to the racist pig Imus and others who dare speak without the consent of their leaders."|
Lord Haw-HawI really cannot seem to fathom what this big row is all about. Why would anyone get distraught regarding your observation of a small number of nappy-headed hoes?
Lord Haw-HawI submit that wearing nappies on one's head sounds a bit queer
Lord Haw-HawWith all due respect Mr. Imus, nevertheless had you said they were the Rutgers rug-munching, vulva-licking bull riders or horse-faced, apple-eating, whisker-biscuit sperm receptacles, I could see the nags getting a little bit poutish, but you said nothing to cause them to sack you!
Lord Haw-HawThey bloody do look like hard-core, butch-dyke, bearded-clam diving, vagitarian tarts!
Lord Haw-HawAfter I get good and pissed, I tell everyone in the village that my lady is the best hoer around!
MeowHis use of the Q-word without "theory" at the end suggest homophobia, necrophobia, appliancephobia and is bigoted in so many ways that I'm at a lose for words! I bow to you yet again, Chairman; I had merely thought that that's just what I am and thought nothing more of it. But if I can spin some theory out of it--after all I majored in math--then I can prove anything that I want and make O'Brien sound like Ayn Rand.
Commissar TheocritusMy only worry though is that if your Appliance Americans form an alliance with the Hildo Hydra 7.1 and are marketed by the rug-munching Rosie and k. d., we will not be safe in our beds. Especially not in our beds.
Commissar TheocritusSo we shall use the PolySci students of the graduating classes of pricey private universities, like my old one, who, so swollen in their self-importance ...
Comrade BlokhayevBut let's limit it to only the lovely females. They tend to cause other things to become swollen and that can be employed to our advantage and delight.
Chairman M. S. PunchenkoThat is going to be rather difficult knowing that the Party does not employ "lovely" womyn.
Commissar Theocritus...as Chairman Punchenko remarks, the Party does not employ lovely women, but rather those who look as though they might pass a DNA test at the Olympics...
Commissar TheocritusEast German male atheletes with their private parts cut off or turned inside out would still be more feminine than Olga and Istvana.
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