Local insurgents resist US occupation of New York during Fleet Week
Just as all progressive New Yorkers of good will prepared to celebrate this year's Fleet Week by watching reruns of Battleship Potemkin and dancing to the uplifting sounds of Red Army and Red Navy Choir, their open-minded city suffered a rude invasion by the militaristic US Navy forces. The boorish US sailors and marines scurried through New York's enlightened neighborhoods without an exit strategy, acting like the occupiers they were - offending cultural sensitivities of the natives by not holding their heads down nor hiding their eyes in fear and guilt every time a faithful native gave them an accusing stare.
US occupiers in Times Square
To add insult to injury, they landed on the eve of Memorial Day - when all faithful progressives are honoring great heroes of the Revolution: Benedict Arnold, Tokyo Rose, Alger Hiss, Aldrich Ames, Gus Hall, Ramsey Clark - and, of course, the holiest martyrs Julius and Ethel Rosenberg. The cynicism of the US military is astounding!
US Marines Torture Children In Broad Daylight
Times Square. US Marine is captured on film while torturing poor children of New York. Once a war criminal, always a war criminal!
|The brewing resentment turned into open insurgency when the Party spearheaded the Great March of the People, arming them with today's most lethal weaponry: kick-ass multi-lingual street theater props that look convincingly serious on world's TV screens.|
Around noon on May 27, New York's workers and peasants gathered near 49th Street across from USS Intrepid to storm this symbol of US imperialism and to drive American invaders out of the holy city of New York.
YANKEES GO HOME!!!
Kick the Ass of the Ruling Class
At the head of the column marched lawyers with notepads - National Lawyers Guild (NLG) members - true vanguard of the Revolution. They ensured that the boot of proletarian justice would kick the ass of the ruling class with ease and impunity. The NLG Kommissars could be spotted by their characteristic green caps identifying their rank as "Legal Observers, Enforcers of People's Will, and Protectors of Orthodoxy."
Brigade of the Screaming Hags
Next went the notorious Brigade of the Screaming Hags, overwhelming the senses of those few who still remained unmoved by the lawyers.
War Is Terrorism
Next went the children with a message from the progressive public school system: war is terrorism, economy is poverty, success is failure, logic is irrational, education is ineptitude.
The children were naturally followed by coffins - or as we in the Politburo call them, "icebreakers." Cheaply made out of cardboard, they are a great way to start a conversation and quickly gain high moral ground among those who don't know what moral is. Whoever came up with this idea deserves the Order of Lenin Medal and Award.
Do-It-Yourself Morale Booster
A fantastic morale booster, this item is a must-have in any progressive household, to be displayed on the wall next to the hammer & sickle and a shovel - a great decorative value, too. Take it for a walk to the park, street, or your local recruitment center - and you're guaranteed all the attention you deserve.
Quickly add an exotic flavor with a touch of a Palestinian kufia. We aren't sure what relevance it has to the current uprising since there is no US military presence in Palestine, but it never hurts to stir up some additional guilt among the occupiers. When it comes to guilt, every way to bring it up is the right way.
An example of how NOT to make a fake coffin - the cardboard is showing! It gives away the cheap trick, spoils the dramatic effect, and ruins our collective credibility. Sloppiness is the plague of the progressive movement! True, most comrades have turned progressive namely because they had been sloppy in their work, thinking, and personal habits. But this only underscores the historical inevitability of proletarian dictatorship enforced with the iron fist of strict Party discipline.
If You Know Something...
"We will not be silenced by the fascist US regime that oppresses Muslim women! That's why we have it spelled out in Arabic - so that oppressed Muslim women worldwide may get inspired and rise with us against the misogynistic Bush-Cheney junta!"
Feminists of the world, unite!
|"I also support women's right to be oppressed. I beat my wives with a stick to bring them in the right mood for this picture. It's what our infidel enablers like to see, no?"|
"Warning: this will happen to anyone who stands on the People's way - and the People's NLG Lawyers will make sure we do it with impunity. It happened before in Russia, China, North Korea, Cuba, Vietnam, Cambodia, Venezuela - and will happen here if you choose to oppose us."
(This female comrade later told our correspondent that she was, in fact, a Republican - yet she joined the movement because, working in the financial field, she had obtained a proof that the Iraq war was really about money for Halliburton and Dick Cheney. She had probably mistaken us for a New York Times reporter - but nice try anyway.)
"How can I not be happy? The results of our comrades' work in the news media and trivial entertainment industries will bring a smile on your face too!"
"Our nation bankrupt, disgraced, hated globally, in more danger."
Let's celebrate! And special thanks to our liaisons with Zarqawi and other brotherly Islamic fighters.
SDS: Students For A Democratic Society
Because America has yet to learn what democracy really is! We need to be more like North Korea!
* * *
From the People's Glossary:
A higher form of government that no longer relies on the outdated and ineffective election process. In the so-called "bourgeois democracies" elections are routinely accompanied by lies, fraud, disenfranchisement of voters, and ballot recounts in Florida. In a People's Democracy voters think with the collective brain which speaks most accessibly and conveniently through Party representatives. The wish of the collective at any given moment is the law, and no one better knows the wishes and needs of the people than the dear leader himself, e.g., Kim Jung Il of the People's Democratic Republic of North Korea.
Coming Here Soon: Insurrection!
You won't believe how many great revolutionary slogans one can come up with while living in mom's basement.
"Uh, Beavis, that grandma's placard says No Bush! Hehehe."
"Do you think she's a personal hygiene activist? Hehehe."
"She's a lesbian grandma. Hehehe."
"Bush. Hehehe. Bush. Hehehe. Uh, Butthead, I don't get it."
The Gloved One
The students and children were closely followed by Michael Jackson (right).
And we thought he was filming an MTV show in Tokyo...
And, of course, Flat Gareth didn't miss a chance to show up at a People's rally.
|A small group of about twenty America's sympathizers and enemies of progress created a roadblock on the People's way. These right-wing capitalist oppressors tried to postpone the Great March of the People. Of course they couldn't be real New Yorkers. They held a large banner that said "WARNING: Leftist protesters trying to demoralize our troops" and sang God Bless America in extremely loud voices.|
"Remove these people and arrest them immediately - or your department and you personally will have a huge lawsuit on your hands."
Intimidated into obedience by the Kommissar (left), the police quickly dispersed the reactionaries, making them move over behind the corner so as not to obstruct the advancing March of the People.
|"Comrade Kommissar? Violators have been removed. They won't bother you anymore. Proceed as planned."|
Stop U.S. War Crimes
The People's insurgents successfully made it to their destination and strategically positioned the "icebreakers" across from USS Intrepid, in an upright position.
"Disrespectful? Hell yeah. Did you think we would actually call a priest?"
Next time the Party should pick a better spot - so that the coffins wouldn't appear as advertisement for mini storage containers.
* * *
Who Lies There?
Just imagine who might be lying in our morale boosting coffins. It's Memorial Day after all!
Nathan Hale - war criminal, participated in a militaristic aggression of the US imperialism against Britain in 1776. "I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country." Yeah, right. With our movable coffins we'll make you lose as many lives as we want it - and as often as we want it.
Paul Revere - jingoistic alarmist, agent provocateur, and capitalist oppressor of toiling masses. "The British are coming?" Who cares. At least now the British have a socialized healthcare and we don't.
Davy Crockett - militaristic aggressor who committed war crimes against peaceful Mexican population in 1836. Wish he were here for the recent pro-illegal immigration protests! He'd kill himself all over again!
In fact, they could be any of the people on this set of memorial stamps.
* * *
Maybe in the future we can label our coffins more appropriately.
Soon the coffins were abandoned and remained unattended for about one hour, as exhausted insurgents redeployed to the nearest Starbucks.
Memo To Self
We must enforce a stricter Party discipline so that our mock coffins don't get stolen by homeless bums who could sleep in them. Bums are often indistinguishable from our protesters and so they can easily penetrate our ranks and steal our props.
War Is Not For Celebration
That's, of course, unless it's a People's war led by communist guerillas against capitalist oppressors. Just ask Che Guevara.
"Reporting! We have lost one man in the fighting! Yes, Kommissar, I know it's only a crude drawing, but can we still sue the Pentagon?"
Some of our comrades have trouble telling fiction from reality. It may be useful in the cases of Dan Rather, Al Gore, Michael Moore and the rest of Hollywood - but with rank and file it could get a little tiring.
|AMEND YOUR HISTORY BOOKS!|
Our insurgency made the enemy develop an exit strategy and withdraw! By the end of Fleet Week (May 30) there should be no US occupiers left in the People's Republic of New York. Such speedy retreat, of course, would not have happened if it weren't for our uprising.
* * *
If you see something, do something!
Chairman Meow-Say-PunIt is every progressives dream to one day don the green cap of the National Lawyers Guild, I even hear that those select few who are chosen to wear such a symbol of socialist valor recieve discounts at their nearest Starbucks and extra punches on their ration cards. Oh how I envy them so!! It is even said they can access classified information on Google!!!
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