Polar bears in Alaska are being forced to adapt to the heat by lazing about on the porches of their caves and drinking all day.
Senators John McCain and Hillary Clinton have returned from a high-profile, omni-partisan, and taxpayer-funded fact-finding tour in Alaska, claiming to have found incontrovertible proof that global warming is the result of US imperialism.
"Go up to places like we just came from, it's a little scary," Senator McCain (R-AZ) asserted. "Green grass, wildflowers, even trees! Yet I clearly remember from the movie "Snow Dogs" starring award-winning Cuba Gooding Jr. that Alaska used to be covered with snow!"
"Just look at how warm it is," exclaimed Hillary Clinton, the senator-turned-climatologist from New York. "I mean, it's August in Alaska and all I need is a pashmina at night!"
"If years of scientific research could not prove what we've just easily proven on a three-day trip, it can only mean that we are under-funding our scientific institutions," stated Sen. Clinton who is the leading contender in the next U.S. presidential election.
Both Senators shrugged off a skeptical Fox News reporter who questioned the validity of looking for signs of warming in the month of August. Not one to suffer fools gladly, Ms. Clinton retorted, "One must be a complete idiot to visit Alaska in the winter, it'll be freakin' freezing out there! Do I look like an idiot to you?" she said to cheers and applause from many mainstream media journalists.
The dynamic empirical duo went on to dismiss researchers who doubt that anything other than normal, cyclical climate change is occurring. "I am sick and tired of hearing that the climate is constantly shifting as a result of millions of factors," Ms. Clinton complained. "Capitalist pollution and American over-indulgence are the only causes; to say otherwise is to deny years of activism and subversive propaganda!"
"These guys in the white coats are all in denial!" Sen. Clinton chortled. "They work in labs, but they never get out and hear horrifying tales of mutant fish, which not only breathe air like we do, but also sing! That's right: I said sing. I saw one at a diner in Fairbanks while I was up in Alaska. It was attached to a wooden plate on the wall and had a rubbery exterior over what felt like metallic insides. Weird, huh? When I touched it, it scared the living crap out of me. You wouldn't have believed it! It started crooning, 'take me to the river, drop me in the water' in the voice of David Byrne. Come on, the scientific evidence of human agency in this is overwhelming. Our opponents are fighting a losing battle."
Employing her formidable diplomatic skills, Ms. Clinton convinced the Inuit diner owner to part with the globally warmed, mutant fish for $150. It has since been reported that the junior senator from New York was perplexed when the whole place erupted with laughter as she and her handlers were exiting the building.
"The inevitable conclusion is," Ms. Clinton went on to say, "we must move the remaining industries left in the United States farther down south where it's already warm anyway. I also find interesting John McCain's proposal to install window air conditioners in all Alaskan residences backwards, so that while heating people's homes, they would also cool down the habitat for other species."
"We make a great scientific team," Senator McCain noted. "Now that we've succeeded in connecting global warming to the gluttony of American taxpayers, we might as well try and disprove that a bowling ball and a feather fall at the same rate in a vacuum. There's no way that's true," the maverick senator from Arizona said while Ms. Clinton chortled: "That's just another absurdity waiting to be debunked. As my teacher used to say, a lie repeated often enough becomes the truth. And that's why American voters elected us into office!"
Quote:I see someone has forgotten to photoshop a few CocaColas into that picture of the polar bears to show how American corporations are ruining their natural survival styles.
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