![]() Polar bears in Alaska are being forced to adapt to the heat by lazing about on the porches of their caves and drinking all day. | Senators John McCain and Hillary Clinton have returned from a high-profile, omni-partisan, and taxpayer-funded fact-finding tour in Alaska, claiming to have found incontrovertible proof that global warming is the result of US imperialism. "Go up to places like we just came from, it's a little scary," Senator McCain (R-AZ) asserted. "Green grass, wildflowers, even trees! Yet I clearly remember from the movie "Snow Dogs" starring award-winning Cuba Gooding Jr. that Alaska used to be covered with snow!" "Just look at how warm it is," exclaimed Hillary Clinton, the senator-turned-climatologist from New York. "I mean, it's August in Alaska and all I need is a pashmina at night!" |
"If years of scientific research could not prove what we've just easily proven on a three-day trip, it can only mean that we are under-funding our scientific institutions," stated Sen. Clinton who is the leading contender in the next U.S. presidential election. Both Senators shrugged off a skeptical Fox News reporter who questioned the validity of looking for signs of warming in the month of August. Not one to suffer fools gladly, Ms. Clinton retorted, "One must be a complete idiot to visit Alaska in the winter, it'll be freakin' freezing out there! Do I look like an idiot to you?" she said to cheers and applause from many mainstream media journalists. The dynamic empirical duo went on to dismiss researchers who doubt that anything other than normal, cyclical climate change is occurring. "I am sick and tired of hearing that the climate is constantly shifting as a result of millions of factors," Ms. Clinton complained. "Capitalist pollution and American over-indulgence are the only causes; to say otherwise is to deny years of activism and subversive propaganda!"
"These guys in the white coats are all in denial!" Sen. Clinton chortled. "They work in labs, but they never get out and hear horrifying tales of mutant fish, which not only breathe air like we do, but also sing! That's right: I said sing. I saw one at a diner in Fairbanks while I was up in Alaska. It was attached to a wooden plate on the wall and had a rubbery exterior over what felt like metallic insides. Weird, huh? When I touched it, it scared the living crap out of me. You wouldn't have believed it! It started crooning, 'take me to the river, drop me in the water' in the voice of David Byrne. Come on, the scientific evidence of human agency in this is overwhelming. Our opponents are fighting a losing battle." Employing her formidable diplomatic skills, Ms. Clinton convinced the Inuit diner owner to part with the globally warmed, mutant fish for $150. It has since been reported that the junior senator from New York was perplexed when the whole place erupted with laughter as she and her handlers were exiting the building. "The inevitable conclusion is," Ms. Clinton went on to say, "we must move the remaining industries left in the United States farther down south where it's already warm anyway. I also find interesting John McCain's proposal to install window air conditioners in all Alaskan residences backwards, so that while heating people's homes, they would also cool down the habitat for other species." "We make a great scientific team," Senator McCain noted. "Now that we've succeeded in connecting global warming to the gluttony of American taxpayers, we might as well try and disprove that a bowling ball and a feather fall at the same rate in a vacuum. There's no way that's true," the maverick senator from Arizona said while Ms. Clinton chortled: "That's just another absurdity waiting to be debunked. As my teacher used to say, a lie repeated often enough becomes the truth. And that's why American voters elected us into office!" |
Quote:
I see someone has forgotten to photoshop a few CocaColas into that picture of the polar bears to show how American corporations are ruining their natural survival styles.| Related Articles | Author | Replies | Views | |
Global Warming Vodka: Cheap Alternative Solution | Red Square | 71 | 51148 | |
Pascal's Global Warming Wager: Amen and Hallelujah!(Go to page: 1, 2, 3, 4) | Red Square | 286 | 72153 | |
Man-Made Warming Blamed for Disappearing Bird Populations | Commodore Snoogie Woogums | 26 | 4740 | |
Users browsing this forum: zootwoori and 4 guests
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS Feed
Channel list
Rubiks & Rubik’s Cube ® used by special individual permission of Seven Town Ltd.
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS Feed
Channel list
Gosnell's office in Benghazi raided by the IRS: mainstream media's worst cover-up challenge to date
IRS targeting pro-gay-marriage LGBT groups leads to gayest tax revolt in U.S. history
After Arlington Cemetery rejects offer to bury Boston bomber, Westboro Babtist Church steps up with premium front lawn plot
Boston: Obama Administration to reclassify marathon bombing as 'sportsplace violence'
Study: Success has many fathers but failure becomes a government program
US Media: Can Pope Francis possibly clear up Vatican bureaucracy and banking without blaming the previous administration?
Michelle Obama praises weekend rampage by Chicago teens as good way to burn calories and stay healthy
This Passover, Obama urges his subjects to paint lamb's blood above doors in order to avoid the Sequester

White House to American children: Sequester causes layoffs among hens that lay Easter eggs; union-wage Easter Bunnies to be replaced by Mexican Chupacabras
Time Mag names Hugo Chavez world's sexiest corpse
Boy, 8, pretends banana is gun, makes daring escape from school
Study: Free lunches overpriced, lack nutrition
Oscars 2013: Michelle Obama announces long-awaited merger of Hollywood and the State
Joe Salazar defends the right of women to be raped in gun-free environment: 'rapists and rapees should work together to prevent gun violence for the common good'
Dept. of Health and Human Services eliminates rape by reclassifying assailants as 'undocumented sex partners'
Kremlin puts out warning not to photoshop Putin riding meteor unless bare-chested
Deeming football too violent, Obama moves to introduce Super Drone Sundays instead
Japan offers to extend nuclear umbrella to cover U.S. should America suffer devastating attack on its own defense spending
Feminists organize one billion women to protest male oppression with one billion lap dances
Urban community protests Mayor Bloomberg's ban on extra-large pop singers owning assault weapons
Concerned with mounting death toll, Taliban offers to send peacekeeping advisers to Chicago
Karl Rove puts an end to Tea Party with new 'Republicans For Democrats' strategy aimed at losing elections
Answering public skepticism, President Obama authorizes unlimited drone attacks on all skeet targets throughout the country
Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to 'Traps'
White House releases new exciting photos of Obama standing, sitting, looking thoughtful, and even breathing in and out
New York Times hacked by Chinese government, Paul Krugman's economic policies stolen
White House: when President shoots skeet, he donates the meat to food banks that feed the middle class
To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead
State Dept to send 100,000 American college students to China as security for US debt obligations
Jay Carney: Al Qaeda is on the run, they're just running forward
President issues executive orders banning cliffs, ceilings, obstructions, statistics, and
other notions that prevent us from moving forwards and upward
Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects
World ends; S&P soars
Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood
Meek inherit Earth, can't afford estate taxes
Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway
Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013
Bigfoot found in Ohio, mysteriously not voting for Obama
As Santa's workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of 'naughty and nice' list
Freak flying pig accident causes bacon to fly off shelves
Obama: green economy likely to transform America into a leading third world country of the new millennium
Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future
Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs
Modernizing Islam: New York imam proposes to canonize Saul Alinsky as religion's latter day prophet
Imam Rauf's peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'
Study: Obama's threat to burn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties
Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years
Obama attends church service, worships self
Obama proposes national 'Win The Future' lottery; proceeds of new WTF Powerball to finance more gov't spending
Historical revisionists: "Hey, you never know"
Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh
Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild"
Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness
Al Gore: It's a shame that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of polar bears
Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke
Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights
Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse'
Obama's teleprompter unhappy with White House Twitter: "Too few words"
Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't
Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost
Responding to Oslo shootings, Obama declares Christianity "Religion of Peace," praises "moderate Christians," promises to send one into space
Republicans block Obama's $420 billion program to give American families free charms that ward off economic bad luck
White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus
Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed
Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom"
Al Gore proposes to combat Global Warming by extracting silver linings from clouds in Earth's atmosphere
Obama refutes charges of him being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?"
Obama regrets the US government didn't provide his mother with free contraceptives when she was in college
Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!
Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'
Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'
Obama congratulates Putin on Chicago-style election outcome
People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies
Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"
Democrat strategist: without government supervision, women would have never evolved into humans
Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law
Enraged by accusation that they are doing Obama's bidding, media leaders demand instructions from White House on how to respond
Obama blames previous Olympics for failure to win at this Olympics
Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff thereof
Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels
Poll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi Party
Obama to Evangelicals: Jesus saves, I just spend
May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above
Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"
Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name
Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich
Historians: Before HOPE & CHANGE there was HEMP & CHOOM at ten bucks a bag
Cancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"
Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory
Secretary of Energy Steven Chu: due to energy conservation, the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off
Obama Administration running food stamps across the border with Mexico in an operation code-named "Fat And Furious"
Pakistan explodes in protest over new Adobe Acrobat update; 17 local acrobats killed
White House: "Let them eat statistics"
Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama
I Own The World
Supercommissar Maksim
It's Big Fur Hat
Blur-Brain
Terry Colon
The Fine Report
The Looking Spoon
Sad Hill News
Professor Kurgman
kathy blog
FAQster
AWOL Civilization
BestObamaFacts.com
Looking at the Left
Red Planet Cartoons
Julia Gorin
Brain Terminal
Death By 1000 Papercuts
Zombietime