"The vigorous campaign led by human rights groups accusing God of favoritism towards Western countries and of unfair distribution of natural disasters that targeted minorities has caused God to reconsider His ways," God's spokesman announced yesterday at a press-conference held by an international clergy group representing Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, and other religions. "This summer's unusual flooding in Europe and two devastating hurricanes in the USA serve as a proof of God's reconstructed, more equitable, and politically correct approach to weather patterns," the spokesman said, describing God's new approach as "progressive," "gender-sensitive," and "minority-friendly" enough to leave critics on the Left satisfied.
Today, however, Ms. Strossen greeted world's leading progressive activists at ACLU headquarters in New York, who gathered to celebrate the end of a successful struggle for equitable redistribution of natural disasters that resulted in the welcome destruction of Mississippi and Louisiana.
"Who says that incessant nagging and obstructionism are counterproductive?" Nadine Strossen addressed the jubilant humanitarians and reporters. "Our struggle to correct God's inadequate natural disaster policies began with the Weathermen's idealistic bombings in US cities so as to compensate for an apparent lack of disasters in orderly Western societies. It was later reinforced by the calls of human rights groups to impeach God and replace Him with a benevolent government apparatus, or at least with a more progressive, democratically elected deity. A generation later, the international struggle of oppressed minorities for equitable devastation escalated to a corrective destruction of New York's Twin Towers. This year, it finally climaxed in a successful obliteration of the entire city of New Orleans, starting a new progressive era in human history marked by God's reformed social awareness and raised concern for the wishes of the oppressed masses to smash the imperialist United States!"
The famed progressive financier George Soros was all smiles: "Tell God he has my financial backing," he called out, raising a glass of Dom Perignon to the skies. "With my money and his power we can move mountains. I am willing to finance as many natural disasters as it takes to end America's power in the world!"
"I am truly excited," said former US President and Nobel Laureate Jimmy Carter. "I always knew God was on our side - He just needed a little pushing. This new weather affirmative program will make us a different country. Americans will be able to join the impoverished world community on equal terms."
The celebration, however, did not blind the activists to the need of further improvement of God's inept creation.
"If God had only read Marx and some of the post-modernists he wouldn't have made such a mess of this world," said William Schultz of Amnesty International USA, washing down a helping of caviar with a gulp of finest Château Babeuf.
"If God had only read my columns in the New York Times!" exclaimed Paul Krugman, a New York Times columnist and Princeton scholar. "God would then have made it to be a blessed Utopia without selfishness, or inequality. As it is, some people are born men while others are born women. Some are White and some are Black. Some, like Howard Dean, have a great voice and others don't. Some, like Al Sharpton, can sing and dance before the camera, while others can't. Some, like George Soros, can speculate on financial markets and rock economies of entire nations, and others can't. Some, like myself, have a sharp penetrating mind while most others don't. If God were as smart as I am, as socially conscious as Diane Feinstein, as ambitious as John Kerry, as compassionate as Ted Kennedy, and as moral as Hillary Clinton, God would create a world where every being is of the same color, height, build, talent, and gender, without a trace of greed or toenail fungus. There would be no sexual discrimination, as humans would reproduce through spores. Humans would not need clothes or shelter, as they would not feel cold. They would have no hands to destroy Earth with their vane projects, nor brains to conceive such projects. They would have no spine or central nervous system for that matter - they would be composed of long tubular filaments with a cytoplasm lining, covered with a crispy shell of chitin that would make them nice and crunchy. But the best part is, no one would ever again be any better off than anyone else."
"This God's creation has been a miserable failure from the get-go," seconded New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin who joined the festivities to honor the destruction of his own city. "So it's not my fault that the levees weren't fixed or the people evacuated. What can remedy the situation, though, is if we could have more hurricanes, plagues, and locust that we can blame on the Republicans!"
Louis Farrakhan joined the chorus by envisioning a great tsunami hitting Aspen, Colorado. "Earthquakes and mudslides are also nice," he added. "Those kinds of disasters are long overdue in filthy rich places like Palm Beach, Malibu, the Hamptons, Nantucket, and Martha's Vineyard. And I know I'll die a happy man if I get to see a tornado touching down at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and shredding it to tiniest pieces!"
Ward Churchill reminded the gathering of the approaching bird flu pandemic and proposed to use it wisely, targeting Little Eichmanns worldwide with precise surgical strikes. "I haven't prayed in years," he said. "But if I see bird flu hitting Paris, London, Luxemburg, Scandinavia - and eventually Park Avenue, the ranches of Texas, and the lilly-white male-only country clubs of Connecticut I promise I'll start believing in God again!"
Lenora Fulani of the Unified Independent Party was more skeptical: "Did you see this latest Hurricane Wilma? Why weren't there any school buses flooded? Why weren't there any stranded people dying waiting for the government rescuers? Where was the looting, the rapes I ask you? I think God is pulling our leg here. He didn't even damage New Orleans nearly as badly as we wish he did. It's a hoax, just like Bush landing on an aircraft carrier saying, "Mission accomplished" when nothing of the kind happened. The number of victims is a far cry from that in the Third World countries, and why weren't there more White victims? What exactly did God accomplish here? He needs to learn more from our progressive media that corrected His ineptitude and blew up the scale of disaster to cosmic proportions, creating in our minds the reality of a Third World country. The looting, the carnage, the corruption, the incompetence, the devastation to which the poor people of diversity are exposed on a daily basis on other continents - that's what God needed to create here! That's what must be brought to this country without delay! We need to smash this fascist state with a series of enormous disasters, at the hands of God or at the hands of men, I really don't care."
Former Vice President Al Gore was even more reserved in his enthusiasm: "Equitable destruction is all fine and dandy, but let's look at the bigger picture. The entire Universe is a glaring mess of unfairness and inequality. Gravity has been distributed disproportionately. As a result, bigger planets can with impunity draw smaller planets into their gravitational field and selfishly cause them to rotate in their orbit without a grain of compensation. Some planets enjoy plenty of sunlight while others spin hopelessly in freezing darkness without a glimpse of hope for a fair chance. Earth has been enjoying preferential treatment for millions of years while other planets remain bare, frozen, and airless. If we truly are progressive and unselfish, if we are patriots of this Universe, we must work together to ensure equal redistribution of Earth's oxygen, water, and soil throughout the Universe, each planet according to its need. Act now before it's too late!"
Al Franken of Air America radio network closed the evening by aptly describing everyone's collective feeling: "We've gone a long way but the struggle for the little guy is not over! I'm talking of the suffering of unequally endowed human beings. Why should some men be tall and handsome while some others are short and pudgy? It is a proven fact that taller people have a greater chance to succeed in life. How fair is that? Our first priority, as far as God is concerned, is to make tall handsome people shorter and pudgier. The fight for the little guy will not be over until every single guy is the little guy!"
Quote:God Yields to Angry Left, Distributes Disasters Equitably
|(Go to page: 1, 2)||Red Square||158||26874|
Users browsing this forum: DkHIVwqzyI and 14 guests
Rubiks & Rubik’s Cube ® used by special individual permission of Seven Town Ltd.
Secret Service foils Secret Service plot to protect Obama
Revised 1st Amendment: buy one speech, get the second free
Sharpton calls on white NFL players to beat their women in the interests of racial fairness
President Obama appoints his weekly approval poll as new national security adviser
Obama wags pen and phone at Putin; Europe offers support with powerful pens and phones from NATO members
White House pledges to embarrass ISIS back to the Stone Age with a barrage of fearsome Twitter messages and fatally ironic Instagram photos
Obama to fight ISIS with new federal Terrorist Regulatory Agency
Harry Reid: "Sometimes I say the wong thing"
Elian Gonzalez wishes he had come to the U.S. on a bus from Central America like all the other kids
Obama visits US-Mexican border, calls for a two-state solution
"Hard Choices," a porno flick loosely based on Hillary Clinton's memoir and starring Hillary Hellfire as a drinking, whoring Secretary of State, wildly outsells the flabby, sagging original
Accusations of siding with the enemy leave Sgt. Bergdahl with only two options: pursue a doctorate at Berkley or become a Senator from Massachusetts
Jay Carney stuck in line behind Eric Shinseki to leave the White House; estimated wait time from 15 min to 6 weeks
100% of scientists agree that if man-made global warming were real, "the last people we'd want to help us is the Obama administration"
Jay Carney says he found out that Obama found out that he found out that Obama found out that he found out about the latest Obama administration scandal on the news
"Anarchy Now!" meeting turns into riot over points of order, bylaws, and whether or not 'kicking the #^@&*! ass' of the person trying to speak is or is not violence
Obama retaliates against Putin by prohibiting unionized federal employees from dating hot Russian girls online during work hours
Russian separatists in Ukraine riot over an offensive YouTube video showing the toppling of Lenin statues
Obamacare bolsters employment for professionals with skills to convert meth back into sudafed
Joe Biden to Russia: "We will bury you by turning more of Eastern Europe over to your control!"
In last-ditch effort to help Ukraine, Obama deploys Rev. Sharpton and Rev. Jackson's Rainbow Coalition to Crimea
Al Sharpton: "Not even Putin can withstand our signature chanting, 'racist, sexist, anti-gay, Russian army go away'!"
Mardi Gras in North Korea: "Throw me some food!"
Obama's foreign policy works: "War, invasion, and conquest are signs of weakness; we've got Putin right where we want him"
US offers military solution to Ukraine crisis: "We will only fight countries that have LGBT military"
Putin annexes Brighton Beach to protect ethnic Russians in Brooklyn, Obama appeals to UN and EU for help
The 1980s: "Mr. Obama, we're just calling to ask if you want our foreign policy back. The 1970s are right here with us, and they're wondering, too."
In a stunning act of defiance, Obama courageously unfriends Putin on Facebook
MSNBC: Obama secures alliance with Austro-Hungarian Empire against Russia’s aggression in Ukraine
Efforts to achieve moisture justice for California thwarted by unfair redistribution of snow in America
North Korean voters unanimous: "We are the 100%"
Leader of authoritarian gulag-site, The People's Cube, unanimously 're-elected' with 100% voter turnout
Super Bowl: Obama blames Fox News for Broncos' loss
Beverly Hills campaign heats up between Henry Waxman and Marianne Williamson over the widening income gap between millionaires and billionaires in their district
Biden to lower $10,000-a-plate Dinner For The Homeless to $5,000 so more homeless can attend
Kim becomes world leader, feeds uncle to dogs; Obama eats dogs, becomes world leader, America cries uncle
White House hires part-time schizophrenic Mandela sign interpreter to help sell Obamacare
Kim Jong Un executes own "crazy uncle" to keep him from ruining another family Christmas
OFA admits its advice for area activists to give Obamacare Talk at shooting ranges was a bad idea
President resolves Obamacare debacle with executive order declaring all Americans equally healthy
Obama to Iran: "If you like your nuclear program, you can keep your nuclear program"
Obama: "I'm not particularly ideological; I believe in a good pragmatic five-year plan"
Shocker: Obama had no knowledge he'd been reelected until he read about it in the local newspaper last week
NSA marks National Best Friend Day with official announcement: "Government is your best friend; we know you like no one else, we're always there, we're always willing to listen"
Al Qaeda cancels attack on USA citing launch of Obamacare as devastating enough
The President's latest talking point on Obamacare: "I didn't build that"
Carney: huge ObamaCare deductibles won't look as bad come hyperinflation
Washington Redskins drop 'Washington' from their name as offensive to most Americans
Poll: 83% of Americans favor cowboy diplomacy over rodeo clown diplomacy
Obama administration gets serious, threatens Syria with ObamaCare
Obama authorizes the use of Vice President Joe Biden's double-barrel shotgun to fire a couple of blasts at Syria
Sharpton: "British royals should have named baby 'Trayvon.' By choosing 'George' they sided with white Hispanic racist Zimmerman"
Nancy Pelosi extends abortion rights to the birds and the bees
Hubble discovers planetary drift to the left
Obama: 'If I had a daughter-in-law, she would look like Rachael Jeantel'
FISA court rubberstamps statement denying its portrayal as government's rubber stamp
Every time ObamaCare gets delayed, a Julia somewhere dies
GOP to Schumer: 'Force full implementation of ObamaCare before 2014 or Dems will never win another election'
Janet Napolitano: TSA findings reveal that since none of the hijackers were babies, elderly, or Tea Partiers, 9/11 was not an act of terrorism
News Flash: Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA) can see Canada from South Dakota
Drudge Report reduces font to fit all White House scandals onto one page
Obama: the IRS is a constitutional right, just like the Second Amendment
Jay Carney to critics: 'Pinocchio never said anything inconsistent'
Obama: If I had a gay son, he'd look like Jason Collins
IRS targeting pro-gay-marriage LGBT groups leads to gayest tax revolt in U.S. history
Boston: Obama Administration to reclassify marathon bombing as 'sportsplace violence'
Study: Success has many fathers but failure becomes a government program
Michelle Obama praises weekend rampage by Chicago teens as good way to burn calories and stay healthy
This Passover, Obama urges his subjects to paint lamb's blood above doors in order to avoid the Sequester
White House to American children: Sequester causes layoffs among hens that lay Easter eggs; union-wage Easter Bunnies to be replaced by Mexican Chupacabras
Time Mag names Hugo Chavez world's sexiest corpse
Boy, 8, pretends banana is gun, makes daring escape from school
Study: Free lunches overpriced, lack nutrition
Joe Salazar defends the right of women to be raped in gun-free environment: 'rapists and rapees should work together to prevent gun violence for the common good'
Dept. of Health and Human Services eliminates rape by reclassifying assailants as 'undocumented sex partners'
Deeming football too violent, Obama moves to introduce Super Drone Sundays instead
Japan offers to extend nuclear umbrella to cover U.S. should America suffer devastating attack on its own defense spending
Feminists organize one billion women to protest male oppression with one billion lap dances
Urban community protests Mayor Bloomberg's ban on extra-large pop singers owning assault weapons
Concerned with mounting death toll, Taliban offers to send peacekeeping advisers to Chicago
Karl Rove puts an end to Tea Party with new 'Republicans For Democrats' strategy aimed at losing elections
Answering public skepticism, President Obama authorizes unlimited drone attacks on all skeet targets throughout the country
Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to 'Traps'
New York Times hacked by Chinese government, Paul Krugman's economic policies stolen
White House: when President shoots skeet, he donates the meat to food banks that feed the middle class
To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead
State Dept to send 100,000 American college students to China as security for US debt obligations
Jay Carney: Al Qaeda is on the run, they're just running forward
Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects
World ends; S&P soars
Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood
Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway
Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013
As Santa's workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of 'naughty and nice' list
Freak flying pig accident causes bacon to fly off shelves
Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future
Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs
Imam Rauf's peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'
Study: Obama's threat to burn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties
Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years
Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh
Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild"
Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness
Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke
Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights
Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse'
Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't
Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost
White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus
Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed
Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom"
Obama refutes charges of him being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?"
Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!
Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'
Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'
People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies
Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"
Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law
Enraged by accusation that they are doing Obama's bidding, media leaders demand instructions from White House on how to respond
Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff thereof
Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels
Poll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi Party
May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above
Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"
Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name
Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich
Cancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"
Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory
White House: "Let them eat statistics"
Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama
I Own The World
It's Big Fur Hat
The Fine Report
The Looking Spoon
Sad Hill News
Looking at the Left
Red Planet Cartoons
Death By 1000 Papercuts