Gwyneth Paltrow: Sophisticatest American Speaks

As if our earlier research of the Progressive Brain and the Capitalist Brain was not convincing enough, our progressive comrades continue to provide us with more evidence. Gwyneth Paltrow's recent statement about the inferior nature of American work-centered dinner talk, followed by a seminal philosophical inference that the British are much more intelligent and civilized than the Americans, has prompted us to start a new "Brain Matters" series.
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"I love the English lifestyle, it's not as capitalistic as America. People don't talk about work and money, they talk about interesting things at dinner. I like living here because I don't fit into the bad side of American psychology. The British are much more intelligent and civilized than the Americans." - Gwyneth Paltrow, in an interview to "NS," the weekend magazine supplement of daily Portuguese newspaper Diario de Noticias, December 2, 2006.

The People's Cube contacted Gwyneth Paltrow in Britain and asked her to expand on the dinner talk issue in more detail.

PALTROW: The sophistication of the British dinner talk is nerve-racking. Their enormous vocabulary makes me feel dumb as a doorknob. For those of you in America, that means they use big words that you will never hear outside of Europe.

CUBE: Can you give us an example of a big word you heard?

PALTROW: If I could say those words I wouldn't be so impressed by them, now would I?

CUBE: Not even a single one? Please?

PALTROW: Let me see... Oh yeah, this one - coprophagia. I have never heard Mom or Dad say coprophagia at the dinner table. They always talked about work, and work is so unsophisticated. Unless your work involves coprophagia or something like that.

CUBE: Do you know what that means?

PALTROW: No, but it just sounds so romantic, sophisticated, and very European. It makes me feel so provincial. And if even I, the sophisticatest actress in Hollywood, feel like shit during the British dinner talk, what does that make the rest of my boorish and not-so-smart fellow Americans? Stupid retards!

CUBE: Are the British soccer hooligans sophisticated in your view?

PALTROW: To me, anyone who can speak with a British accent is a gentleman. In the street they may cuss and cut people's faces with broken beer bottles - but I'm sure that once those hooligans sit at the dinner table they transform into brainy cultivated aristocrats like everybody else here in Britain, engaging their vis-à-vis in classy, refined conversations about coprophagia and all kind of things that the capitalistic, work-obsessed American retards could only dream about - if they only knew what that means.

 

If you set a plate of fish and coprophagia chips in front of her I'll bet she'd eat it.
 

I can't imagine what a loutish home life she must have had.
 

I think Ms. Paltrow is just being honest that all AmeriKKKans (except for us) are cropophobes. Really now, she reads other peoples scripts for a meager living, she would know who is sophisticated and who is not!

END CROPOPHOBIA! EMBRACE THE CROPO TASTINESS!
 

George Bruce

I can't imagine what a loutish home life she must have had.

Me neither, Comrade Bruce. Imagine the horror: when she was younger she must have had to listen to her parents' stories of working for a living. But now, she lives comfortably in Europe, where enlightened Europeans do not have to take part in petty little things such as work, and can riot if a new law says they can be fired! Our more cultured brethen across the Atlantic have  the state to nanny them and grant them countless benefits handed to them on a silver platter! Long live the European Union and the Soviet Union! Work is for uncultured Amerikkkans!
 

Amerika needs to like, leave Gwenie alone and all that other stuff <snort> uhh, all of us in Hollywood know that the world is in... need and all this other crap <snort> ahh, thats good stuff... And, I just want... everyone to know and crap that we're too rich and a barbarian country like those people in...umm.... those red states and a bunch of other crap too! Its like, we read the script that some hack wrote and we uhh...<snort>... get all the money for it, because we deserve it! Like, cropohobes make me sick! I eat my own? Why not, why not everyone help themselves to some cropohagia delight? Uhh, I'm going to be in big movie this summer and my publicist told me to tell everyone here... so.... be there or you will be known as the most unshophisticatedest! <snort>

Hey Jerry, hit me up with some more of this fairy dust man <snort> I need it to stay up and read my script. <snort> Money <snort> is in the <snort> Ferrari

Arch Limpold - Hollywood Actorvist
 

Comrades Limpold & Punchenko. I don't know who of you started this - and I don't care - but you must decide which language you're using in making up your otherwise excellent terminology.

If it's English, then it's CRAPOPHOBIA (as in the word CRAP)

If it's Geek, then it's COPROPHOBIA (as in the word COPROS (crap))

But it's not CROPOPHOBIA - unless you're referring to the fear of collecting record-high crops at our collective farms. This kind of fear is usually experienced by the kulaks, reaganites, and other bourgeois elements. It may also refer to the fear of collecting record-high crops resulting from bioengineering technologies, e.g., in Africa. This sort of fear is of a progressive nature. It is usually experienced by environmentalists, especially in European countries that threaten to deny subsidies to those African countries that apply American biotechnologies and/or exhibit other deviations from the socialist orthodoxy (your children may starve, but at least they'll die an ideologically pure organic death, without being polluted by the capitalistic money-making technologies).

That's true CROPOPHOBIA, comrades!

Everything else is COPROPHOBIA!
 

Professor Karl Marx: All right, Gwyneth, say it again.
Gwyneth,: The rine in spine sties minely in the pline.
Professor Karl Marx: [sighs] The *rain* in *Spain* stays *mainly* in the *plain*.
Gwyneth: Didn't ah sy that?
Professor Karl Marx: No, Gwyneth, you didn't "sy" that, you didn't even "say" that. Now every night before you get into bed, where you used to say your prayers, I want you to say "The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain" fifty times. You'll get much further with Lenin if you learn not to offend His ears. Also, please remember, no talk of such boorish and trifling things like "work" and "capitalism" at the dinner table. Now eat your feces and off to bed you go.
Gwyneth: Fay Sees?
Professor Karl Marx: No, feces.
Gwyneth: Fee Seeds?
Professor Karl Marx: No, try it again, feces.
Gwyneth: Feet Zees.
Professor Karl Marx: Just shut your piehole and eat your shit.
Gwyneth: Awrighty then Guv'nah, why dinna ya jus' sy so?
 

Comrade Paltrow, If I study really hard in school, can I convert from being a stupid, loutish American to being a sophisticated, erudite Englishman? And if I study really really hard, can I be a joke writer for Comrade John Kerry?
 

Coprophagia?

From my experience with British cuisine, it's probably better.
 

Yeah, that Bruce Paltrow and Blythe Danner were a crude bunch.  Let's see....hmmm...didn't he produce and direct St. Elsewhere?
 

Ugh, I shame myself. Here, allow me... errhmm... Coprophobia - C-O-P-R-O-P-H-O-B-I-A, coprophobia. (thats correct!) YaY! That means I don't have to go to Iraq!

Thank you, Comrade Red Square, for your dilligence and professionalism!

OUR TEXTBOOKS SHALL BE AMENDED WITH THE PROPER SPELLING OF COPROPHOBIA! THOSE WHO FEAR THE CONSUMPTION OF THEIR OWN EXCREMENT, BEWARE!

( Arch, lay off the Solstice snow!)
 

Even British colloquial parlance, or "slang" as we call it in the colonies, is far superior to anything we milquetoast Yanks can conjure up.

Now use your best Cockney accent and repeat after me: "Piss off you bloody wanker!" It's so euphonious and high-brow, is it not? It adds colour to any dinner conversation.

Practicing Anglophilia by sipping a cup of Earl Grey (not Gray, as the provincial Americans spell it),

--Dr. P
 

Red Square

Comrades Limpold & Punchenko. I don't know who of you started this - and I don't care - but you must decide which language you're using in making up your otherwise excellent terminology.

If it's English, then it's CRAPOPHOBIA (as in the word CRAP)

If it's Greek, then it's COPROPHOBIA (as in the word COPROS (crap))

...

That's true CROPOPHOBIA, comrades!

Everything else is COPROPHOBIA!

Comrade Red Square:  Thank you for the etymological whack across our collective noses.  As a confirmed cropophage, I bristled at their equating my eating habits with Ms. Paltry’s.

Comrades, you disappoint me with your inordinate opprobrium for Ms. Paltry.  Does she not further the Party’s aims, though as a useful idiot?  How better to encourage  the brainwashed bourgeois masses to reject capitalism than to allow the Hollywood litter-ati to progressively lower the least common denominator?  All must be equal (ly low).  If she can further the glorious triumph of world socialism through her “filth column” scatological ruminations, why do we cavil?  Perhaps she and her parents merely misunderstood when some Amerikan piscatorial sportsman offered them crappie.  Consumely contumely merely divides us when we should be hoping she avoids crap-induced crapulence and urophagia brought on by further misunderstanding.  

Comrade Red Square: Please do not take me to task for my split infinitive above.  I reject that antiquarian Latinophilic rule.
 

There's nothing wrong with Anglophilia in my view, but it seems that what Comrade Paltrow practices is called Anglocoprophagia.

Bourgeois scientists will tell you that those are two distinct trends on two different "sides of American psychology" (whatever that means). The good side and the the bad side.

But we know of course that in Marxist terms Anglocoprophagia is the final, most advanced, and historically inevitable stage of Anglophilia, although a layman/womyn/horse/gerbil/appliance/Paltrow may not see much of a difference between the two.
 

Comrade Squealer -
your split infinitive is forgiven because you split it with "progressively" - which is an exception that has become a binding rule 10 seconds ago.

Laika -
thanks for yet another great communication intercept between Professor Karl (the Higgins) Marx and Gwyneth Dolittle. The Pygmalion connection is very far-reaching and warrants further investigation.

Chairman M. S. Punchenko -
the reactionary, unscientific fear of the consumption of own excrement must truly become the punching bag for the mainstream media (just like the Macaca) - if we are serious about eliminating poverty and starvation after the Revolution.
 

I like to cut my turd using a fork and knife, as opposed to just scooping it up with my hands and feverishly chowing down (which is practiced in some progressive circles mind you). We should all observe proper table etiquette while munching gleefully on our dinner turds!
 

For all the deference to etiquette, this topic has the potential to go down the toilet.  Does one start his meal with a fruit tray garnished with road apples? And after the fillet of brown trout, what postprandial delights await?  Chocolate custard?  Merde mousse?  Stool soufflé?  Remember to use the correct fork.  Should one take one’s partner out afterwards to dance the Aztec Two Step?  Perhaps on a budget, one could proceed to exploiter-of-the-messes, McDonald’s, and order a No. 2 value meal?

Please, Comrades, some decorum.  We have a Revolution to runs, er... run here.
 

Red Square wrote

Quote:

Laika -
thanks for yet another great communication intercept between Professor Karl (the Higgins) Marx and Gwyneth Dolittle. The Pygmalion connection is very far-reaching and warrants further investigation.


Actually it was from "Capitalist Pygmalion" which was later developed into the hit musical "My Fair Redistribution of Wealth Lady".
 

Red Square

Chairman M. S. Punchenko -
the reactionary, unscientific fear of the consumption of own excrement must truly become the punching bag for the mainstream media (just like the Macaca) - if we are serious about eliminating poverty and starvation after the Revolution.

Hold up! We are serious about eliminating poverty and starvation after the revolution??  I thought we just horded all the money into the upper .00001% (meaning us!)  I refuse to alter the normal course of communism.

GP is not sophisticated, she is a Sophisticrat :  A person who organizes specious reasoning and fallacious arguments ; If you want to 18th Century French about it.  A Sophisticrate

Can we make her official Minister of Sophistry?

RIK
 

Quote:

Does she not further the Party’s aims, though as a useful idiot?  How better to encourage  the brainwashed bourgeois masses to reject capitalism than to allow the Hollywood litter-ati to progressively lower the least common denominator?  All must be equal (ly low).  If she can further the glorious triumph of world socialism through her “filth column” scatological ruminations, why do we cavil?

Comrade Squealer
    We must take extreme care of our State Secrets!  Comrade Colonel Paltrow's role in our movement concerns Operation: Continental Apologetics.  Comrade Colonel has been recently 'activated' after the November Revolution and Phase One of the operation is now in effect.  The operation will wean unenlightened Amerikkan Imperialists to the wonders of Socialism: Justice, Liberty and enforced Equality.  In Phase two, Paltrow will move to France and 'discover' how much more sophisticated the French are than the English thereby chastising and inculcating the Amerikkan populace further.  Phase Three is Germany, Phase Four: ad nauseum, etc.  until she arrives in the Soviet Union.  Comintern is operating 'without' to overthrow the objectivist American RepubliKKK from 'within' (as everybody thought we were full of copros [if I may be allowed to slang] the first time around).  The Party has learned the value of subtlety, and what could be more subtle than a untalented, overated, vacuous, bubble-headed-blonde actress that appears to be a poster-child for Imperialism.  Comrade General Lindsay Lohan will follow in the second wave.  In related material, Comrade Paltrow's conveyance of Polonium-210 to England was, obviously, a resounding success!  
   
LONG LIVE THE FECAL FOISTING REVOLUTION!
 

Comrade Paltrow is mistaken about Amerikan obsession with working--how else can one explain the millions of dollars which were wasted by Amerikan workers at the theater watching Paltrow's lousy acting? I mean, any true capitalist wouldn't blow his precious money on watching air-headed films like "Bounce" or "Shakespeare in Love." Yet she has obviously benefited from that.

Will Paltrow return the unethical funds which were bestowed so "foolishly" on her? No. But then again, hypocrisy is a sterling British characteristic...along with thinking with your pelvis. Let's face it, Chris Martin is the only thing she really likes about Britain.
 

Just hearing the name "Shakespeare in Love" makes me want to blow it up.
(In the explody way, not inflation way.)
 

I think she should just coprophagia and die.
 

Rikalonius

Red Square

Chairman M. S. Punchenko -
the reactionary, unscientific fear of the consumption of own excrement must truly become the punching bag for the mainstream media (just like the Macaca) - if we are serious about eliminating poverty and starvation after the Revolution.

Hold up! We are serious about eliminating poverty and starvation after the revolution??  I thought we just horded all the money into the upper .00001% (meaning us!)  I refuse to alter the normal course of communism.

GP is not sophisticated, she is a Sophisticrat :  A person who organizes specious reasoning and fallacious arguments ; If you want to 18th Century French about it.  A Sophisticrate

Can we make her official Minister of Sophistry?

RIK

Comrade RIK! I'm appalled to believe you really think we're not going to stuff our pockets! Of course we're going to stuff our pockets! I'm stuffing right now! I love to stuff! My father was a stuffer! My mother was a stuffer! Hell, I have several necro-proxies who stuff for me on the side! Comrade RIK, its all for US. Progre$$ is a ca$h bu$ine$$ and always remember that Hoax = Hope!

Yes, we do it for The People (so we can take their money, right Mulva!?).
 

Indeed, Princess Gwhineth is British royalty.  Her marriage to the uber-leftist singer and member of the people's band "ColdPlay" makes it so.

In addition, Her Majesty has such a lovely body of work that her intellectual merits are beyond question:

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow - (2004) - A feast for the brain in which all are taught to use an extra 5% of their brains.

View From the Top - (2003) - An incisive fuck you to flight attendants everywhere for their inferior intelligence.

Shallow Hal - (2001) - Working opposite Nobel Laureate Jack Black, Gwhineth exposes the risks of obesity while fighting type two diabetes through hidden transmissions embedded in celluloid.

And there is so much more.  Some believe that when the lead singer of ColdPlay has had his fill of our heroine, and she reaches an age of decreased sexual allure, he will rid himself of her like a foul-smelling carpet.  However, we all know that this is untrue.
 

Comrades, forgive me for asking this, but should we look up to the British? I know they are more advanced than AmeriKKKans with their glorious socialist welfare programs, but look at Britain's role internationally. For decades they took the side of the imperialists against the workers' paradise of the USSR, and now imperialist British troops are involved in the illegal wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, against our beloved freedom fighters. Comrade Paltrow should move to a more advanced European country that is not out to push democracy on others, such as France.
 

Branish

Comrade Paltrow should move to a more advanced European country that is not out to push democracy on others, such as France.

Much more advanced than England. At least in France she'll be able to eat something different than fish, potatoes... and feces.
 

... and I'm sure dinner talk with Fidel Castro, Kim Jong Il, Hugo Chavez or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would also be a mouthful. Just ask Cindy Sheehan!
 

"At least in France she'll be able to eat something different than fish, potatoes... and feces."

Yes, snails!

But you do the English a disservice.  They also eat blood pudding and kidney pie.
 

Branish

Comrades, forgive me for asking this, but should we look up to the British? I know they are more advanced than AmeriKKKans with their glorious socialist welfare programs, but look at Britain's role internationally. For decades they took the side of the imperialists against the workers' paradise of the USSR, and now imperialist British troops are involved in the illegal wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, against our beloved freedom fighters. Comrade Paltrow should move to a more advanced European country that is not out to push democracy on others, such as France.

Comrade Branish,

To use a bourgeois term...'Baby Steps'.  We must lead these decadent Amerikkkan capitalist pig dog swine homo-autoerotic-asphyxiation-geriatric-gelding-necrophobes by the hand into the enlightened world of equality.  To do this it needs to be introduced gradually for true acceptance to occur.  This handy chart explains the steps to be taken, read from left to right:

Amerikkka--->The UK--->Germany--->France(франция)--->Soyuz Sovetskikh Sotsialisticheskikh Respublik(Сою́з Сове́тских Социалисти́ческих Респу́блик)

So we see the hated capitalist Amerikkka at the bottom, denoting that it is the worst most hated country in the world.  A step up from hated Amerikkka is the UK.  They are close to Amerikkka but they have progressed toward the workers paradise more than Amerikkka has.  Then comes Germany, kind of in the middle including the best of the workers paradise with the worst of the hated imperialist Amerikkka.  Then comes France, who is neigh on the brink of achieving glorious workers paradise, they have just a little left to go!  Then there comes the glorious motherland.  The utopia of the worker and the common man.  That is our goal!!  And it must be achieved gradually, like entering the cold waters of Siberia for your monthly bath.  You don't want to jump right in, but ease yourself in to the pristine re-educating waters of the People's Health and Education Center (which I think Siberia should be renamed).

O'Brien

WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
 

comwad ducky

I think she should just coprophagia and die.

Shouldn't that be "coprophagia and [Vote Democrat]"?
 

I RESENT ZHAT GOTT DAMMED CHART!!!! Yes, Most of Vestern Europe IS Enlighted, and ZHAT IS ZE PROBLEM!!!!!!! ZE ENLIGTENMENT IZ RESPONSIBLE FOR THINGS LIKE DEMOKKRACY, THE REPUBLIC, ZE IDEA OF ZHE SOVERIGN NATION STATE, AND ZHE SPREAD OF ZHE EVILS OD KAPPITALISM!!!!!!! As helpful as Jaques Chirac haz been, he is still atracted to zhe dregs of zhe enlightenment like demokracy. And plus he STILL HAS ALSACE-LORRAINE!!!!!!! And zhe claims zhat zhe British are smarter zhan zhe Amerikaners, don't make me laugh. Zhe British are the Vorld's oldest Konstitutional Monarchy, after a group of Parliamentarian terrorists overthrew and executed King Kharles simply because he realized the evil of zhe so-kalled Enlightenment and kontinued to stonewall and refuse Parliament's unfounded klaims to "Human rights." Zhey, under zhe enlightenment, alzo waged var on Unenlightened countries zimply because zaid countries were conquering entire nations, building up an army, and zhan delaring var on zhem!!!! Zhey hav alzo engaged in Kolonialism and aktually trying to CIVILIZE othzer races vhen vhe all know it is imossible. Take a look at Afrika and zhe Middle East. And Zhe Near East for zhat matter. Zhe French hav alzo been severly poisoned by zhe enlightenment and under zheir stooge of zhe enlightenment, Napoleon, zhey ruthlessly slaughtered thousands of zhe Austrians, zhe Prussians, zhe Russians, zhe Mameluks, zhe Turks (thus showing zhat in addition to being a stooge of zhe enlightenment, he alzo is a rabid Islamophobic white racist coloniser.), zhe Spanish, and zhe Portugese zimply because zhey vere fighting him. He alzo kreated zhe Anti-Fascist and Anti-Socialist "Napoleonic Kode" Vhich gave zhe plebz more rightz when vhe all know zhat zhe plebs kannot understand rights and must zherfore have properly educated Party-Approved Kommisars distribute zhe rights for zhe good of zhe plebs. Franze haz also went to war with a sieries of peaceful Absolute Monarchists, National Socialists, and Bolsheviks simply bekause zhey "gasp" wanted to konquer Franze. And zhey did zhis vithout konsulting zhe League of Nations or zhe UN, vhich makes zhem WORSE ZHAN BUSH!!!!!

Zerefore, It is in my opinion zhat zhe party increase funding for zhe Socialist and National Socialist Groups trying to overthrough zhat bitch of zhe enlightenment (vhat vas her name again?) And return ReichKommisar Schroeder to Power, who will declare zhe Fourth Reich and through zheir zuppoert behind Our Beloved Komerade Fraufuheress Chairperson Hitliary!!!! Do not beleive zhe dead ends like Chirac, for he is to attached to zhe accursed enlightenment to be of any use save some occasional kondemnations. Alzo, increase efforts in Russia and the Ukraine (zhose evil bastards zhe Oranges cancelled out all our hard efforts to steal zhe election!!! NEVER AGAIN!!!!)

SEIG HEIL HITLERY!!!!

Reichfuher SS Hit H. Ead
 

Comrades,

Many of you keep bringing up things of the past of different countries.  This is irrelevant.  We all know the past is some boring old stuffy land of 'make believe' that we don't even know really existed.  What we need to focus on is the present and the political situations in the current countries. This is what the chart is based off of.  All nations struggle to attain true workers paradise in the model of the great motherland.

O'Brien

WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
 

Red Square

... and I'm sure dinner talk with Fidel Castro, Kim Jong Il, Hugo Chavez or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would also be a mouthful. Just ask Cindy Sheehan!

That has to be the dirtiest thing you have ever said, Comrade.

RIK
 

Comrade O'Brien, thank you for the re-educational model of how other countries have evolved more than AmeriKKKa. Now that I really think of the gradual progress that is constant, it reminds me of dialectics, but with countries. I yearn for the day that when eventually all states will just wither away.
 

Branish

I yearn for the day that when eventually all states will just wither away.
All fifty of them?

If that's really a historical inevitability, why do we have to spend blood and treasure destroying the United States? Why can't we relax and drink vodka as we march collectively in circles to the inspiring music of socialism waiting for the inevitable? Because, comrades, one knever knows if we really understood Marx correctly. How do you define "wither" and how do you define "away"?

Therefore, Lenin taught us, we must err on the side of caution - by taking up the arms and lighting up the fuse without delay.
 

Quote:

Therefore, Lenin taught us, we must err on the side of caution - by taking up the arms and lighting up the fuse without delay.


Wheee! Explosives!
 

The capitalist, running-dog enemy of the people, Michelle Malkin, has launched a vicious diatribe against Ms. Paltry's valiant efforts to undermine Amerikan arrogance.  Curse her!
 

Where I a capitalist dog leashed to Amerikan ideology I would have been much more vitriolic with talent less Babie doll, with a no doubt sculptured face, an millions of unearned dollars than Ms Malken.

 I can just see Gwen's skinny ass at her British flat where she lives far above the regular masses that I used to ride the train with everyday.

Chris Martin: Right, George Bush is a Fascist.
Gwen:  Oh, baby, your so intellectual.
Chris Martin: Yeah, and Amerika is destroying the environment, right!
Gwen:  Oh yeah, I love a man with a social conscious. (rapidly claps hands)

Even with her seventh grade Spanish I'll be she fluently says  "viva la revolucion"

RIK
 

Lindsay Lohan imitates the People's Cube:

Lohan joins Paltrow in an effort to re-educate stupid Americans for their own good - and she hopes Hillary and Gore will help her in this.

In her "The way of the future" e-mail to her publicist the 20-year-old Lohan writes:

Quote:

"I am willing to release a politically/morally correct, fully adequite [sic] letter to the press if any of you are willing to help. Simply to state my oppinions [sic] on how our society should be educated on for the better of our country. Our people."

"Let's sue the tabloids for saying the things they say," she added. "Defamation of character. Amongst other illegal accusations . . . I am not fully aware of what these, again, accusations are, but I am fully and eagerly prepared to learn them."

Lohan then considered meeting with "Hilary [sic] Clinton" and Gore:
"Al Gore will help me he came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me."

"I am willing to do anything I need to get my life the way it should be and the way I work for it to be."
 

Of course, we all know that "beauty" is a purely subjective, bourgeois concept, especially when one is under the influence of the People's Ethanol.  

That disclaimer aside, isn't it nice to see anti-Americanism with a pretty face for a change?  First Gwyneth; now Lindsay.  Who cares if they're a tad on the vacuous side--they're still two of the brightest stars in our collectivist constellation.  We'll always have room for intellectual stalwarts like the Suzy Sarandons, the Rosie Os, the Bab Streisands, and the Lynne Stewarts.  But can't the Party make room for some sultry, tabloid "babes", too?  They can use their socially constructed feminine wiles to led more patriarchal white male imperialists down the path of sniveling self-loathing, or edification, as we call it.

Our next major project must be to recruit Paris and Britney!  Imagine Paris saying, "Socialism - that's hot."  Or, if we could convince Britney to actually wear panties, she could be photographed getting out of her limo in the classic CafeRepressed hammer-and-sickle 'G'-string.  It's money in the Comintern bank, comrades; money in the Comintern bank!
 

Dr. P, have you been poking around in my memos again? I’ve been asking the Party for years now to recruit these rich broads. Paris is a sure pick, come on now, her father OWNED the HANOI HILTON! How cool is that!? It's almost as if they've been hinting to us of their defection and it fell on the deaf ears of the old (and now voting Democrat) Party cadre.

Enough of that rant, we simply can't use the slogan "Do you really want to give Paris a tax cut?” anymore. No, we want to give Paris, Lindsay, Britney and the Olson trolls a job dishing out progressive truth and dancing on OUR tables at OUR over-priced swanky clubs while their mommies and daddies stuff our pockets FULL of campaign ca$h! Uggh, I soiled myself just thinking about all that $$$.
 

As these callipygian coquettes dance on our tables at our over-priced swanky clubs, let's make sure that they are also modeling our line of progressive KGB swimwear!  

For those of you who have yet to see the KGB girls, click the link above and scroll down for photos.