Democratic National Hurricane Center today updated its predictions of the impact of Hurricane Sandy on the densely democratically populated East Coast, painting an ambiguous picture for the vital electoral region.
Forecaster Dunham pulled no punches: "We're Fluked. Plain and simple. This may be the first time for a lot of Democrats to experience a blow of this magnitude." Dunham continued, suggesting that early voting patterns would remain unsettled for many days following the perfect storm's landfall expected early Tuesday. "We could be looking at tornadoes, mixed with volcanoes and glaciers, pounding Democratic precincts for up to a full week," she said.
Party officials, ever concerned with the safety of women, minorities and children, who are expected to be the hardest hit, were swift to respond to the dire threat to their electoral victory.
Speaking from Chicago, campaign insider David Axelrose reassured voters that even if they stay home, their votes would be cast and counted "even if I had to do it myself."
"We will not stand for this racist and misogynist attack on our Democratic traditions," Axelrose stated, adding that this weather is a premeditated act on the part of the Republican National Committee.
"Global warming, caused by George Bush's anti-environmental policies, generated the hurricane, and the RNC is steering it, in much the same way they steered Hurricane Katrina, to have the greatest possible impact on urban minority populations. It is even more despicable that they are doing so on the eve of the most important national election in the history of the world," Axelrose said.
In response to the potential electoral disaster looming for the administration, Axelrose announced that the party had initiated the Voter Opportunity Response With Alternate Realtime System, or VORWARTS, to insure that all voters had the chance to cast their ballot regardless of the weather conditions.
"Party poll workers stand ready to accept phone-in votes from anyone who cannot make it to the polls due to adverse weather or for any other reason during the early voting period," he explained.
"In addition," he continued,"we are busing in SEIU volunteers to assist with the VORWARTS program on election day itself. These bipartisan proxies will fill out all unclaimed ballots after the polls have closed on November 6 to ensure that the voice of every registered voter has been heard, no matter what the weather conditions."
Axelrose encouraged voters to take advantage of the VORWARTS program with a reassuring smile. "You have enough to worry about: coping with torrential rain, potential downed power lines, and the threat of unseasonal snowfall. Relax, go VORWARTS, and leave the voting to us."
Obama's predetermined landslide victory will happen because of Chicago and Spain.......
Not the East Coast.
A Real statement from the National Weather Service-
PUBLIC INFORMATION STATEMENT
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE MOUNT HOLLY NJ
241 PM EDT SUN OCT 28 2012
...AN EXTREMELY DANGEROUS STORM TO IMPACT THE AREA...
SANDY IS EXPECTED TO SLAM INTO THE NEW JERSEY COAST LATER MONDAY
THIS HAS THE POTENTIAL TO BE AN HISTORIC STORM, WITH WIDESPREAD WIND
DAMAGE AND POWER OUTAGES, INLAND AND COASTAL FLOODING, AND MASSIVE
SOME IMPORTANT NOTES...
1. IF YOU ARE BEING ASKED TO EVACUATE A COASTAL LOCATION BY STATE
AND LOCAL OFFICIALS, PLEASE DO SO.
2. IF YOU ARE RELUCTANT TO EVACUATE, AND YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO RODE
OUT THE `62 STORM ON THE BARRIER ISLANDS, ASK THEM IF THEY COULD DO
3. IF YOU ARE RELUCTANT, THINK ABOUT YOUR LOVED ONES, THINK ABOUT
THE EMERGENCY RESPONDERS WHO WILL BE UNABLE TO REACH YOU WHEN YOU
MAKE THE PANICKED PHONE CALL TO BE RESCUED, THINK ABOUT THE
RESCUE/RECOVERY TEAMS WHO WILL RESCUE YOU IF YOU ARE INJURED OR
RECOVER YOUR REMAINS IF YOU DO NOT SURVIVE...
5. IF YOU THINK THE STORM IS OVER-HYPED AND EXAGGERATED, PLEASE ERR
ON THE SIDE OF CAUTION.
WE WISH EVERYONE IN HARMS WAY ALL THE BEST. STAY SAFE!
-- The Redder Red Cross --
Sandy is a Marx-send.
Our internal and external polling indicate that Romney is about to win fair and square. The hurricane will allow us to muddy the waters and go for a kill. And if that fails, we blame our loss on Sandy.
Our speechwriters are readying the templates for the Party Propaganda Parrots™, outlining the pattern of calling Romney "the Hurricane President" or "President Sandy," implying that since his win was a weather-induced fluke (no pun intended), he has NO MANDATE.
That will give a license to the People's senators and congresspersons to obstruct any Republican policy, allowing the rest of the unwashed masses to malign, insult, sabotage, and ridicule conservatism on a scale unseen even in the Bush years.
Oliver Stone would do well to dust off his old cliches and film a historical political drama called "Hurricane," in which he will "document" for posterity how an empty suit whom nobody voted for, became a US president after a polling place in a crucial battleground state was flooded die to the lack of government investment in infrastructure projects.
Quote:The original post has been edited, updated with pictures, and promoted to the home page. Extra rations to all who participated. You know who you are.
As always, thanks, bolshoi thanks, to the Department of Agitprop Illustration and the Collective Board of Editing and Clarification.
And Nanski, we must always remeber, Obama moves in mysterious ways.
Vote Democrat and spread Disaster equally from frothing sea to frothing sea.
Fortunately for us, we also have awesome and glorious watchdogs in the media, like our comrades at MSNBC, who caught this >spit< Romney right in the act! Trying to not only get people to donate to the Red Cross, like our good Dear Leader says we should, but GOING AGAINST RED CROSS GUIDELINES and collecting food and supplies for the people who have been hurt, as though that was any of HIS business, instead of the government's!
There is no low to which this man will not stoop, comrades.
Fueled by a hearty lunch of goose pate, and an arugila salad, Comrade Obama just couldnt wait to get the early ballots out to parts of Blue Jersy, and mingle with our great unwashed masses. This is why we need four more years..... Forward!
Obama Looking Especially Presidential While Touring Damage From Hurricane Sandy
The Forward! and True thinking Kommisars of the New Jersey ProgBureau will allow residents displaced by the superstorm to vote by email or fax. Officials announced Saturday that registered progressive voters
A Progressive resident must submit a mail-in ballot application by fax or email to the local county clerk. (Don't make us come looking for you)
When the request is received, a ballot will be emailed or faxed back. Ballots must be returned no later than 8 p.m. Tuesday.
Ballot applications can be downloaded on the state's website. The Filters for this site will eliminate all non progressive thinkers and voters. Registration will be checked against party membership. Dire consequences await anyone not voting at least once.