Kofi Annan: "UN inspectors are confident that Iran is up to a decade away from incinerating another American city."
With the ruins of Cleveland still smoldering after a surprise nuclear attack launched by Iranian Ayatollahs last week, the world's attention is refreshingly focused on more urgent matters as most people appear to be concerned with other things.
"Like, I didn't even know where Cleveland was?" says a 23-year old shopper at the King of Prussia Mall outside Philadelphia. "I mean, like, this so totally doesn't affect me?"
In Berkeley CA, naked transgender protesters are calling public attention to the pressing issue of a complete ban on all commerce. "We're also trying to free Mumia," says one of them, pointing out that his or her protest sign was constructed "without the poison of capitalist commerce."
There is just as little enthusiasm for this issue overseas. Students around the world are far more interested in reducing the American presence in their countries. At London's Trafalgar Square, thousands of gays and Muslims joined in an anti-Bush coalition protest. As one irate marcher explained, "The biggest threat to world peace, and gay rights, is George Bush. We stand with our brothers and sisters of Islam in their fight against the threat from America." A Muslim protester added, "We stand together against Bush and the sexual perversion of homosexuality and lesbianism which must be fought with a severe punishment in this world and the next."
A statement issued by the French Foreign Ministry said, "France stands with its historical allies, whoever they may be. And we absolutely did not sell any military technology to Iran. Impossible."
A spokesperson for an assistant to a deputy of Russia's President stated through an interpreter, "This incident will make us stronger. In fact, President Putin has already elected to strengthen his office. And, just like France and Germany, we can't recall selling long-range missiles and nuclear fuel to Iran."
German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder responded, to rapturous applause at a Social Democrat rally, "Let's take the military option off the table. We have seen it doesn't work."
American newspapers are generally in agreement about the annihilation of Cleveland - to the extent that they have any opinion at all. The New York Times, the newspaper of record, published a small piece at the bottom of its editorial page, titled Whither Cleveland:
Nadine Strossen of the ACLU had only a brief comment, "We'll probably file lawsuits against any living relatives of the deceased, but other than that, we see little reason for any action." When asked why the ACLU would want to take legal action against relatives of Americans killed in a nuclear explosion, she responded, "Our lawyers are working on that question now."
What about the Steelers vs. the Browns? We love to hate Cleveland. You just can't nuke our hate away!
Screw Iran, we'll play in the radioactive rubble if we have to!
You are scared of death at first, then you look out of window, and suddenly
you can't wait for it to end.
It's like Minsk. Almost...
Like pubic hair in Big Mac.
Like comrade Soros naked.
Like comrade Ruth Bader Ginsburg, ..naked.AAAAAAAAAAAAhL!
Like comrade Ted Kennedy in speedo!
If it's your time, think Cleveland. Or Ted, Ruth Bader, Soros or Minsk.
Premier BettyWhat's Cleveland? Probably another myth like Canada.
We purged Cleveland long ago; don't you remember? Or was that Cinncinnati? Hmmmm...come to think of it...never heard of either one!
Iron FelixLike comrade Ruth Bader Ginsburg, ..naked.AAAAAAAAAAAAhL!
Oh, thanks for the visual, Comrade! Remind me to mark you down in my little red book...