In an unprecedented twist following the Iraqi elections, a newly formed Iraqi resistance group calling itself "Swords of Democracy" has demanded that all Western left-wing journalists and anti-war activists currently in Iraq must cease their activities, leave the country within 24 hours, and stop their incessant anti-American propaganda, or else. The news came shortly after FoxNews Channel broadcast a statement by a 77 years old Iraqi voter, who exclaimed, "Anybody who doesn't appreciate what America has done and President Bush, let them go to hell."
The group has released a video showing a collection of handcuffed and quivering Western hostages, later identified as a Reuters journalist, a CNN reporter, two Code Pink activists, an International ANSWER functionary, a Democratic US Senator, and members of various communist and anarchist factions, including Christian Peacemaker Teams.
"Enough is enough," a masked group leader said to the camera in good English with a soft Iraqi accent. "We have given these clowns a lot of credit in the past. Their premise that we can't govern ourselves without a fascist dictator was insulting to our intelligence, but we forgave them, believing that they were well-intentioned, albeit misguided nutjobs. Their slights were offensive but we thought they had been misinformed about what life had been like under Saddam Hussein. We pitied them because we knew they had been mentally abused by communist professors in college. But how many more innocent Iraqis must die at the hands of Zarqawi and his foreign goons before the spoiled buffoons in the West realize that supporting terrorists and opposing democratic forces is not only diabolically immoral, but also atrociously criminal!"
The leader, who requested that he be called "Ranger of Freedom," took a moment to poke one of the hostages in the head and continued, "We had hoped that our recent democratic election with a 70% participation rate, would finally teach these geniuses that what most Iraqis want is the rule of law and the end of violence. But their subversive activities and mendacious reporting have proved to us that the last thing these kooks want is peace and the well-being of the Iraqi people. They are, in effect, enemies of Iraqis, just like the Jordanian Zarqawi gang. Why are they here then? To advance their political and ideological agendas at the expense of our lives and freedoms? Screw them!"
"In addition to a complete and unconditional withdrawal of all Western moonbats from Iraq, we demand that the liberal Democrats in the US Congress shut up about the rights of al Qaeda detainees. What rights? The scum of the earth who car-bomb our women and children on market squares must burn in hell along with their abettors! Stop hampering the War on Terror, and generally don't say things you can't possibly understand. American TV networks must stop badgering President Bush with phony accusations and, instead, get on the side of progress and liberty with the rest of the American people. The Hollywood degenerates must get a moral backbone, ditch Michael Moore and George Clooney, and start making movies that actually support the spreading of liberty in the world instead of portraying the freest country known to man as the worst and the dingiest place on earth!"
"If our demands are not met," the leader of the previously unknown militant group continued, "we will hand over these hostages straight to the terrorists whom they came here to abet. Such action will be morally justified. If the terrorists cut off their heads with a rusty saw, we will call it poetic justice."
As they did when Islamic militants recently kidnapped some of their members, Christian Peacemaker Teams leaders started writing an urgent appeal to the captors - but quickly abandoned the idea because, as opposed to the Islamic militants, they couldn't hope to establish common ground with this particular group, let alone find a plausible excuse for the CPT activities.
Reuters, whose journalist is held captive, has issued the following statement: "We have always believed in moral relativity, maintaining that one man's "terrorist" is another man's "freedom fighter." Never before in our coverage, even after 9/11, did we use the word "terrorist" without scare quotes. But the action by the "Swords of Democracy" has taught us a lesson in morality. In a moment of moral clarity, we declare that good and evil are, indeed, absolute. From now we will call the strain of political thought espoused by the "Swords of Democracy" terrorism - without any scare quotes around it.
Quote:These guys should be "bargaining" with NYC TWU Local 100.
Quote:How can I tell the difference between a "Western" Moonbat
reverend gisherare we allowed to not like some things bush has done, or is thought and speech that heavily controlled now? i never get the memos.
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 7 guests
Rubiks & Rubik’s Cube ® used by special individual permission of Seven Town Ltd.
IRS targeting pro-gay-marriage LGBT groups leads to gayest tax revolt in U.S. history
Boston: Obama Administration to reclassify marathon bombing as 'sportsplace violence'
Study: Success has many fathers but failure becomes a government program
Michelle Obama praises weekend rampage by Chicago teens as good way to burn calories and stay healthy
This Passover, Obama urges his subjects to paint lamb's blood above doors in order to avoid the Sequester
White House to American children: Sequester causes layoffs among hens that lay Easter eggs; union-wage Easter Bunnies to be replaced by Mexican Chupacabras
Time Mag names Hugo Chavez world's sexiest corpse
Boy, 8, pretends banana is gun, makes daring escape from school
Study: Free lunches overpriced, lack nutrition
Joe Salazar defends the right of women to be raped in gun-free environment: 'rapists and rapees should work together to prevent gun violence for the common good'
Dept. of Health and Human Services eliminates rape by reclassifying assailants as 'undocumented sex partners'
Deeming football too violent, Obama moves to introduce Super Drone Sundays instead
Japan offers to extend nuclear umbrella to cover U.S. should America suffer devastating attack on its own defense spending
Feminists organize one billion women to protest male oppression with one billion lap dances
Urban community protests Mayor Bloomberg's ban on extra-large pop singers owning assault weapons
Concerned with mounting death toll, Taliban offers to send peacekeeping advisers to Chicago
Karl Rove puts an end to Tea Party with new 'Republicans For Democrats' strategy aimed at losing elections
Answering public skepticism, President Obama authorizes unlimited drone attacks on all skeet targets throughout the country
Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to 'Traps'
New York Times hacked by Chinese government, Paul Krugman's economic policies stolen
White House: when President shoots skeet, he donates the meat to food banks that feed the middle class
To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead
State Dept to send 100,000 American college students to China as security for US debt obligations
Jay Carney: Al Qaeda is on the run, they're just running forward
Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects
World ends; S&P soars
Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood
Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway
Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013
As Santa's workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of 'naughty and nice' list
Freak flying pig accident causes bacon to fly off shelves
Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future
Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs
Imam Rauf's peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'
Study: Obama's threat to burn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties
Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years
Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh
Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild"
Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness
Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke
Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights
Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse'
Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't
Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost
White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus
Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed
Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom"
Obama refutes charges of him being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?"
Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!
Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'
Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'
People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies
Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"
Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law
Enraged by accusation that they are doing Obama's bidding, media leaders demand instructions from White House on how to respond
Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff thereof
Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels
Poll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi Party
May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above
Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"
Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name
Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich
Cancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"
Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory
White House: "Let them eat statistics"
Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama
I Own The World
It's Big Fur Hat
The Fine Report
The Looking Spoon
Sad Hill News
Looking at the Left
Red Planet Cartoons
Death By 1000 Papercuts