Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA): "It will be so much easier to write one big check to the United Nations than to figure out who gets what this year."
In the largest class-action suit ever, a federal jury has found the United States Constitution at fault for every problem faced by everyone, everywhere. The award, for over $2,000 billion, is equal to the entire federal budget. Of this, $500 billion will be for punitive damages - but most of it, $1,500 billion, will be for mental anguish suffered by the rest of the world.
"Amen to what the jury decided," crowed the prosecuting attorney. "We just won one whopper of a case! There are six billion people who have suffered enormously from the ideas of limited government, personal freedom, and private property. We hope that this award will go a long way to restoring the world to theocracies, military dictatorships, and of course, socialist revolution!"
The award, to be administered by the United Nations, will be distributed based on need. A UN spokesperson explained that "those who do not need money should not have any money." She added that the lion's share of the award would go to Latin America, "as that's where we feel there's the most imminent need of restoring anti-capitalist nations." She pointed out that "large amounts are also earmarked for the formerly suppressed political parties of Europe like Communists and Nazis, who have been huge victims of the hurtful ideas in the Constitution." The spokesperson also indicated that Islamic theocracies would not be receiving as much, since "they have apparently not been affected by the ideas in the Constitution."
Reactions across America are largely positive. Coming on the heels of surveys indicating that large majorities of Americans say they are at fault for the world's problems, many see this verdict as cleansing. There's also a practical aspect, as articulated by House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi: "As arithmetic was never my strength, it will be so much easier to write one big check to the United Nations than to figure out who gets what this year."
She continued, "My only concern is that the American people are also victims of the Constitution, and should not have to pay the bill. I will therefore introduce legislation that will make the five richest Americans liable for the first $1,000 billion and Wal-Mart liable for the other $1,000 billion."
Senator Hillary Clinton begged to differ. In a thunderous presidential voice she intoned, "This will be an opportunity to double taxes on all Americans. That will pay the award and maintain our valuable government services, whatever they are. To do otherwise would be wrong." Observers indicated that this was the 118th consecutive speech in which Senator Clinton vowed to combat something that she defined as being "wrong."
The verdict also includes the revocation of the Constitution and its replacement with the Federal Register "so that the number of laws can be theoretically limitless." The verdict also specifies "goals and timetables" to increase the number of lawyers by five-fold, with the American Bar Association receiving a special award for "unspecified suffering."
The trial itself was a model of thoughtful efficiency. After arguments were presented, the jurors deliberated for a full ten minutes before returning a "guilty" verdict. The foreman, when approached for how the jury reached its decision, replied, "This was so cool! I was on a jury!"
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