Red Square
Great Stalin's Ghost
John Kerry: I'm a traitorous, back stabbing SOB, and a disgrace to the uniform I used to wear, but I support our troops (just like I supported them in 'Nam.)
Margaret
I don't even know how to put gas in my car but I want to dictate the country's energy policy.
Chairman M. S. Punchenko

Here is my stab at this. You all know I'm no good at People's Competitions.
I’m a loud mouth anti-war activist who thinks the troops are a bunch of warmongering, psychopath baby-killers, but I support the troops and am also for a woman’s right to choose.
I’m a journalist who thinks that the press and Republicans should stay out of the bedroom and should keep politics out of other people’s private lives (President Clinton in particular), but I also think we should have Sen. David Vitter on the front page news from now until election day and should ask him to resign.
I think Christians are a bunch of knuckle-dragging do-gooders stuck on age old superstitions and should be silenced and exit the political stage, but also I think they should come out and vote Democrat since we are morally-superior with our entitlement programs for the poor.
I’m a progressive Democrat who speaks truth to power, but I think that those who question the government and don’t trust the government are stupid close-minded fascist who won’t submit to the
benevolence of an all-powerful centralized government.I’m a progressive Democrat who agrees with Howard Zinn that nationalism is the root of all evil, but I also support the Iraqi nationalists who are fighting the tyrannical American occupiers.
I’m a progressive atheist who votes Democrat and believes “under God” should be stripped from the pledge of allegiance, our currency and our halls of political power, but also I think we should have footbaths for Muslim students on a college campus.
I’m a Democrat who believes imperialism is wrong and immoral, but also I supported the former Soviet Union’s quest to dominate the entire world.
I’m a liberal who believes that everyone is entitled to their first amendment rights, but also I wholly support speech codes on college campuses across America.
I’m a tolerant progressive Democrat but I think the Republicans are a bunch of stupid apes living in the stone-age and should be silenced and should be ridiculed for their opinions and beliefs.
I’m a journalist who believes that the media should be dominated by progressive leaning Democrats and should not be hindered by the federal government, but also I want the Fairness Doctrine to level the playing field on talk radio.
I’m a trial-lawyer who thinks corporations make obscene profits and should be regulated, but I also think tort reform and regulating obscene pay-outs for trial-lawyers is wrong.

Premier Betty
Chairman M. S. Punchenko
Arnie sold his soul to the Kennedy Klan...err... clan* once he took office. I'm sure Uncle Teddy whispers in his ear how a REAL Republican should be. I guess he had to sell his soul or else he wouldn't get anymore nookie from the Missus???
Remember: People don't kill people, only guns and violent video games kill people!
(I get carded more buying a video game than I do a pack of cigs or alcohol, Betty.)
Before you know it, Betty, we will have the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Video Games “Open up! We heard you bought a video game! We have a warrant from Janet Reno instructing us to use deadly force if you don’t come out with the video games! Alright boys, fire bomb the place and edit the footage! We can't have the American people watch another tank level the place! It's for the children! FOR THE CHILDREN!”
Father Prog Theocritus

Comrades, do you not see the genius of the Progressive way? Since actions are not correlated with consequences then anything is possible.
Guns shoot people of their own accord. Poisons pour themselves into people's throats. Hillary didn't eat that cheeseburger; it flew on her ass and invited along all its friends and family.
Video games corrupt merely by being on the shelf.
And let's never forget the real reason for Progressive hostility to Christianity. Although no Christian myself for some years I still understand its virtues and I also understand the truth that a man can have only one master. Moral relativism is the rejection of any master outside one's own tender conscience du jour.
And so we are again back to All Animals Are Equal but Some Are More Equal than Others. For the true Progressive stands alone in the world, under the stars, the sole arbiter of his fate, deciding the fate of others by the revelations, not divine, but personal. And if you have assumed the mantle of the divine, then there is no reason that you cannot commit acts of God, which used to be called storms, blight and pestilence, but are now purges and re-education camps.
And how wonderful of the Progressives, to manage to one-up the Divine who managed these things without help. The Progressive takes things from people he will kill, using what they made, through the agency of goon squads.
Every time I think of our Red Chinese Brethren or Jolly Danny Ortega billing the families of people who had to be sanctioned for the costs of the bullets used in their re-education camps, I realize that even the IRS has much to learn.

Chairman M. S. Punchenko

Hell, the Democrats are extremely fluent in purges, they do have a site called "Media Matters" which accuses "conservative bias" emitting from their own operatives in the media. There is nothing better than to watch the Dems form a circle and shoot one another. Ah, now that is good, clean American fun for the whole family.
But what is really cooking my goose right now (in regards to Democrat tomfoolery) is the MSM jumping on Vitter for frequenting whore houses while telling me - for so many, many years - that the frequenting of whore houses is "Okay" and that we should "keep private lives out of the media" all because their boy Clinton got caught with a porky intern under his desk.
Once again it is "All Animals Are Equal but Some Are More Equal than Others". This just highlights not only Vitter's hypocrisy (which, hopefully, he will pay for in the next election), but also the MSM's hypocrisy and application of the Party's beloved double-standard free pass for all Democrats.

Chairman M. S. Punchenko
Ugh... I'm watching Her Excellency preaching on the Senate floor about our date certain surrender date. My Darwin she looks old and tired. If anyone is lurking TPC this wee early morning, please turn to C-SPAN now and tell me what the hell Her Excellency is wearing. Looks to me like a Mao suit with a frilly scarf stapled to it.
Father Prog Theocritus

She does look old and tired; the spells letting her walk on two legs are wearing off. But do you not know the beauty of the Mao suit? When Bill Gates rolled out some incarnation of the Blue Screen of Death, he and some of the Redmond Politburo appeared on the stage capering about in Mao suits--crimson ones at that. If they only had miters I would have looked for white smoke rising over the Vatican.
Someone in, I think, The Weekly Standard thinks that Our Many Titted Empress is too smart to surrender, but has to make noises to pacify the moonbats and trolls. I am the last to impute anything reputable to her--I think that she ate her litters and only Chelsea got away--but it just barely possible--just--that she knows that the Islamists cannot be dealt with just as cancer cannot be dealt with. She is, in her way, worse than a troll because she uses these people who obviously insane. She knows what she's doing and is whoring our freedom for her power.
The moonbats are deranged with hatred and resentment, which is their own personal hell. I know something about that and it couldn't happen to nicer people. And she knows how to use them. Which is like training puppies to be attack pit bulls.

Great Stalin's Ghost

Comrade Deadbug
Zampolit Blokhayev
Rosie O'Donnell: I want guns confiscated from everyone. Except my bodyguards who protect me and my kids.
------------------------------------------
Isn't there a pasture somewhere that she should be grazing in?
MOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
--
Zampolit B. S. Blokhayev
Father Prog Theocritus
Rosie has put in for another five children, which will make one per nipple.
Premier Betty
More food for her. She doesn't go grocery shopping, she adopts children then eats them. Then replaces them with cardboard cut-outs like we did with Non-Person K
Father Prog Theocritus
Yes, and she wraps them in a rug before she eats them. It's a two-fur.
Premier Betty
Father Prog Theocritus
And I'd react the same. And all this time I thought that I was weird. Not even in the inner recesses of my mind, even in a joke, has anything that strange bubbled to the surface. Believe it or not, I'm not all that strange.
Yeah. I tell myself that in my decrepitude, and wonder if all those good times some years ago were not merely fantasies. They say that the longest-lived cells in the body are brain cells so it's entirely possible that the cells which remembered the BEQ are merely memories of the cells that experienced the BEQ and it all happened at Roswell, NM instead of El Paso, Texas.
Kelly Ivanovna/келя ивановна
Generic Democratic Congressional Leader: "I'm against the war and I hate the war and i've hated all wars. I burned my draft card to ensure I wouldn't have any chance to know what war was like. But God damn it, I'm gonna be sure Bush and his generals have to follow OUR RULES on the ground when it comes to running the war in Iraq. and we'll be sure to let our allies in Al Q--er, our constituents know ahead of time when they're coming home."
Kelly Ivanovna/келя ивановна
Babs Streisand, Alec Baldwin, Sean Penn, robert Redford, Martin Sheen:"We are talented, patriotic, Democrats who care more about both the world and the environment than the pions watching our movies do. As such, we demand they ride corn-a-hol based motorscooters, live on 1-2 acres of gently tilled lands with their families as they helpe each other return this country to a renewable microbiatic food source. In the meantime, of course, we will continue to enjoy foie gras, veal, or whatever we choose as we fly in Airbuses from Hollywood to Cannes and back and forth, and as our underpaid illegal alien staffs drive us from premiere to premiere. Won't it be lovely to have different classes again....plebe?"
Kelly Ivanovna/келя ивановна
MICROSOFT WORKS!!!!!!!!!
Sorry, that's not a liberal person living an "oxymoronical" lifestyle....that's just my favorite oxymoron.
Father Prog Theocritus
News Flash: Magic Pixie Juice II! If you are a progressive, take Magic Pixie Juice II! It makes you think that if you vote for elitists you can be one too. That if you let Algore eat Chilean sea bass while telling us to save the world that you'll be able to eat Chilean sea bass on Laurie David's Gulfstream instead of what will really happen: you'll have 95% of your salary taken to be used to fund preachments to you.
Chairman M. S. Punchenko
95%!? Since when did we become generous!? If anything, Commissar Theocritus, we should be helping ourselves to 99% of whatever the proles "work" for. It is fair, mind you... and we Democrats know everything about fairness.
Father Prog Theocritus

Yes, Meow, we do for we define fairness. Think of one of my heros: Danny Ortega, who billed the families of the people he shot for the bullets he used to shoot them. Now that's fair to David Rockefeller whose bank lent Nicaragua money, which was stolen by Ortega and the Sandinistas, good progressives all, because how could David Rockefeller expect to get more of the money he lent, which was stolen, put back in his bank by the Sandinistas who then qualify for American Express red cards or black cards?
But about that 95%; I am mindful of Kruschev who said that if you skin someone, you need to leave enough so there will be something to grow back.
Folks, I'm bored. When's the last time that you have a child raid? You know, and old-fashioned kidnapping of children of troublesome, non-progressive people? It's been such a long time since I sent a wet package back to some parent. And how they carry on; that kid can hear perfectly well with only one pinna; and if it's a girl, what's the problem? Just grow the hair long.
I figure if I do that enough my stock in contact-lens companies will rise.

Comrade Otis
Sea-Bass
Laika the Space Dog
Welcome to the Cube Sea-Bass.
Are you a Chilean Sea-Bass by chance?
Comrade Otis
Father Prog Theocritus
And welcome, Sea Bass. I'm a relative newcomer myself, but I find others here of similar bent--red of tooth and claw, with the firm belief of what's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine if I can get it and if I can get it you didn't nail it down well enough. This was, by the way, the motto, or something like it, of Leland Stanford, who gave us the bastion of progressive thought university, while he was building the transcontinental railroad.
Nothing like a robber baron to warm my heart. And how nice of him to die before we came into mortal combat.
Welcome. We are all progressives here, since words like communist, socialist, and totalitarian have all acquired a certain je ne sais quoi owing to those horrible Konservatives, who must be purged.
Premier Betty
Welcome Sea-Bass. I too hope you will stay and join in on our collective effort to bring about world peace through the Iron Fist of Hillary.
P.S. I hear that flamethrowers work really well against puppets.
Father Prog Theocritus
If I find myself unbearably offended by a puppet, I put it on Mr. Reno's portion of the Hildo Hydra 7.3. That'll teach it. Remember Alien?
Chairman M. S. Punchenko
I find puppets to be strangely arousing. Does anyone else share my same progressive feelings???
Red Square
Red Square
Chairman M. S. Punchenko
Father Prog Theocritus
Ah. And how appropriate, Meow. But I just wonder if they take turns. Parson Carter jetting around the world, making deals for the US, in violation of law, with Somali war lords, bitching and moaning about the evils of a nation that threw him out of the White House on his ass, skidding through the front door, and the man who is setting up a true totalitarian state in South America.
All we need is Ramsey Clark to complete the picture. Perhaps Howard Zinn can midwife the marriage.
Zampolit Blokhayev
Premier Betty
I'd hate to be Eeyore....
Father Prog Theocritus
Just who screamed? Was Dean getting a bum rap while the donkey was getting a rap in the bum?
Can't resist. Sorry.
Kelly Ivanovna/келя ивановна
Kelly Ivanovna/келя ивановна
Father Prog Theocritus

Which they'll use to dab the blood of where their eyes once were. The nerve of these people, looking at me. They say a cat can look at a king, and that's okay for the cat is an animal. An elitist animal, it's true for it doesn't really give a damn what you think, but it's an animal. And as such takes precedence over people, especially the White Oppressor Class of Straight Males.
All the troubles on earth are caused by WOCOSMs. Krakatoa? A WOCOSM belched and Gaia had to teach him a lesson. The extinction of the dinosaurs? That's because a WOCOSM stepped on a gecko once, although if that gecko had been selling insurance and the WOCOSM had stuffed it up a caveman's ass with a hundredweight of TNT he would be spared 100 readings of the Progressive Catechism, Earth in My Grasp by the Goracle. Even the Goracle hates that goddamned gecko.
And don't give me that stuff about dinosaurs being extinct before the WOCOSMs came about; qa WOCOSM invented time travel just to extinguish the dinosaurs.
And as proof of it, someone using a treadmill went back in time and invented the word "boredom."
So it used to be if people looked at me funny, it was to the wall. Now if they just look at me they won't again.
I shine. I am radiant. I am Theocritus, out of whose ass the beneficence of the entire universe shines, and Whose wisdom surpasseth all understanding.
And I've got your family hostage.

Father Prog Theocritus
Tsarevna, you have hit on a convenient truth™. Those people are un-people. They're retroactive abortions. By fiat they exist no more and if you think that they did, you'd better have an escape ready or a bigger gun.
Next I'm going to refine un-people to partial un-people. Our Many Titted Empress has paid me a great deal, hell she's given me Rhode Island to store my Mumbai Non Conflict Sapphire empties in, if I can develop for her an un-ass. She tells me that if she eats any more burgoo of Christian babies it will take a seam for her dresses, and already they're made on carpet looms.
Chairman M. S. Punchenko
Hmmm.... retroactive choice? Sounds interesting. *Idea*! After the revolution, I think it would be in our best interest to call the gulags a "retroactive planned parenthood facility". Yes, it rolls off the tongue much better than the classic "death camp" which we will be constructing for all of those who disagree with our progressive policies for Amerika.
Chairman M. S. Punchenko
Zampolit Blokhayev
Chairman M. S. Punchenko

Zampolit Blokhayev
Meow,
The People's Commonwealth of Virginia is really making The Party™ very proud. Imagine that! A way to extort MORE money out of your proles and it's LEGAL!!!!. Even before bill 3202 was passed, VA was already a virtual police state!!! Anything the VA State Police wanted, the legislature GAVE it to them. Now, we very close to becoming the only "perfect" socialist state in the United Socialist States.
Every single member of the legislature (except that turd, Albo) is screaming for Comrade Gov. Kaine to call them back into a special session so they can repeal it. But Comrade Gov. says he won't. He says it can wait until the legislature reconvenes in January. I hope and pray a good communist like Comrade Gov. Kaine does not get recalled over this!
--
B. S. Blokhayev
Chairman M. S. Punchenko
Shhh!!! Keep your voice down, Comrade Zam.... they might be listening in on us and may report us to His Supreme Awesomeness, Governor Tim Kaine. <looks around nervously> Ha..Ha.. yeah, those damn Rethugs are doing everything they can to stop progress...ha...ha.......ha? <looks around nervously again> I don't think they heard us. We are safe......... for now!
Father Prog Theocritus
Citizens, you make me pine for Virginia. Here in Texas we have nothing so progressive. Here the speed limits, in West Texas, are 80 MPH. And here I'm not a pervert but would be considered so if people thought that I wanted gun control. Now that's perverted. If someone breaks into your house, you may shoot and kill without the slightest fear of a problem; one cop, and this was before the concealed-carry law, gave a lesson on guns to women in Monahans, and said, "If you see someone in your house at night, shoot. If he's on the front porch, drag him inside the house if you can. If you're not strong enough, we'll help you. Then go into hysterics. You'll be okay."
Now, comrades, does that sound like the true socialist paradise of Virginia? How I envy you.
...Bruno..Do we have anything on Albo? Gotta get a piece of that action...
Comrade Otis
Father Prog Theocritus
Check your dictionary, Comrade Otis: they are synonyms. There are references to "blood-stained butchers," "re-education camps," "psychiatric hospitals," "detention centers," and "ethnic cleansing."
Oh. Sorry. I'm reading the galley the 2008 People's Heritage Dictionary. Der Volkwerdbuch.
Chairman M. S. Punchenko
I see Comrade Keeplaughing got a favorable rating for his post as any good Communist should! Keep up the good work, Comrade Keeplaughing... THE PARTY IS WATCHING YOU!
Father Prog Theocritus
How fortunate for keeplaughing that he has that outlet for his progressive feelings. Imagine the horrors of living in a world when you did not have the loving embrace of people who understood your need to lie, steal, cheat, and debase what other people have died for.
How sad their world must have been between the fall of the Berlin Wall, when the People's Dream of Justice and Freedom seemed to fall into dust and the rise of the Daily Kos, where progressives can gather to look forward to good times, where what they have is theirs and what others have is theirs too, and where being a progressive means never having to say that you're sorry for wasted lives and money and freedom.
Chairman M. S. Punchenko
I think the whole thing is just silly, Theocritus. Rethugs should understand that we progressives are not willing to fight the War on Poverty UNLESS the government is in the hands of good Communist to coerce us of our money. Charity!? HA! Charity is for superstitious ChristofascistJoos trying to do "good works" or whatever else they call it. Government coercion on the other hand is what we progressives need in order to help our fellow travelers. Sure, I could donate more to the government... but I refuse to! I refuse to "donate" when I could have a strong centralized government to forcibly take it from me and others! If I have to be coerced, then by golly, YOU SHOULD BE TOO, RETHUG SCUM! JACK THEM TAXES UP TO THE SKY GODDESS! JACK EM' UP, I SAY!
Father Prog Theocritus
Meow, this is in camera. A great stump speech, I know, but if all are taxed equally, then how can I furnish your wing of Rancho del Rio Grande de Teocrito for you? You know your tastes, and they ain't cheap. Mine either. And Zamp, well, there's one for you. That boy can go through Eagle Rare like a Kennedy through Chivas. And the power bills when Our Many Titted Empress brings Mr. Reno down to play. I had to have three-phase laid in from Del Rio just for the Hildo Hydra 7.1.
By all means, let's tax everyone, especially all the Progressives who are real Progressives. All progressives are created equal, but some are more progressive than others, and you and I, and Zamp, and Red, and Otis, well, we're as progressive as all get-out. And I do miss SMO. Now she's a progressive's progressive.
Zampolit Blokhayev
Red Square
Chairman M. S. Punchenko
Father Prog Theocritus
Comrades, let me suggest that solving the New Revised People's Cube be used as the entire math portion of the SAT. In this fashion we can eliminate the bother of teachers having to take time out from indoctrination for boring things like math, and thus surrender AmeriKKKan engineering to the Chinese who have a 4000-year history of autocracy. And lovin' it. And if there are no more AmeriKKKan engineers, it will make our ultimate triumph all the easier.
Damn. Where's Charlie Tree when you need him? Hill? Haven't heard from you lately. I hope that you and Janet and Babs Mikulski and Rosie didn't short-circuit Washington again playing around.
Zampolit Blokhayev

Father Prog Theocritus
Comrades, it struck me. Is there an epidemic of telling the truth? Anyone weak enough to even be tempted to tell the truth must be purged. Why even here, in camera, I worry about spies. Before I sleep I do a bug sweep of the house to make sure that if I tell the truth in my sleep it is not overheard.
And since I'm a good progressive, you should not believe me.
Chairman M. S. Punchenko
Did anyone watch the Party debate last night?? Was I the only one coerced to endure it??
Father Prog Theocritus
No, if I want to see a circle jerk I'll turn on a DVD.
Premier Betty
Eewww....
And, no. I didn't watch the debate, although I wanted to. Who do you think won?
Father Prog Theocritus
The people who didn't watch it.
Chairman M. S. Punchenko
You missed some great moments, Theo. John Edwards made a catty comment about Hill's jacket and Biden called some YouTuber mental since he owned an assault rifle. Mike Gravel disclosed to us all that Obama is accepting money from a foreign bank and Obama countered Gravel stating that he helped pass the legislation that allowed Mike to know that he accepts money from a foreign bank. It was classic Dem insanity and I enjoyed every side splitting moment of it. I laughed, I screamed, I laughed some more... and... eventually... I popped some Tums so I could stomach the full dose of progressive nonsense.
Who won last night, Betty? Repubs... that's who won.
Comrade Hasan
Comrade Hasan
Sorry the link didn't work.
Premier Betty
Sounds like the typical Democrat hate filled catfight for power. Sounds like I missed a lot more than I thought I would. What did you think about the YouTube viewer questions? Did they actually take the questions seriously, or was it just another scheme to make it look like they care what we think while they plan their future palaces with taxpayer money?
Chairman M. S. Punchenko
Father Prog Theocritus
Um. I see that I did miss something. Bear in mind, Comrades, that I've been ill lately and my digestion, although doing very well, is not always up to seeing 200 proof nastiness on the hoof, posturing as something worth leading me instead of being hunted down and shot and buried in an unmarked grave.
Which I would then pee on.
$.$. Halliburton

Chairman M. S. Punchenko
I hope that People of Snow™ realize just how important their vote will be in '08 and come out in overwhelming numbers to vote the straight Party ticket. Global Warming, by far, is an issue and a threat greater than "terrorism" not only to us, but also for People of Snow™ the world over. We mustn't let them melt away because of this country's ignorance and thirst for "economic prosperity" or this crap about "higher standard of living". WE MUST STOP CAPITALISM, NOW!
We do it for The Children™, but now we also do it for People of Snow™.
Chairman M. S. Punchenko
Before I sign off here I want to say one thing: GEORGE BUSH HATES SNOW PEOPLE!
Father Prog Theocritus
George Bush hates everyone. George Bush is responsible for the cold winters when people freeze. George Bush is responsible for the high costs of heating oil to keep people from freezing. George Bush is responsible when the snow that freezes people melts. George Bush is responsible for the pimple on my ass.
Halliburton, I like your reasoning. You of course have found the Achilles' heel of reason: when everything is politicized, reason fails utterly. And so let's politicize everything. Snow. Straw. The wind. The sun. The dark. The night. There's always someone's money to spend in ways that we want, and thank the Good Lenin for that. I'd have to actually have to work, you know.
Red Square
Chairman M. S. Punchenko
Teddy K.
Ah, someone told me there's a lot of white stuff. Where's the white stuff? Don't let it blow away, goddamn it, gimme a straw.
Mary Jo, where's my Scotch? You know you can't blow if I don't have blow!
Ah, that damned girdle, can't find my pecker. Chris, help me with this, won't you? Chris!
Damnit, don't let that stuff get away!
Chairman M. S. Punchenko
Use a rolled up hundred dollar bill, Ted. That's what I usually do. Besides, who wants to use a straw?? Using a straw is so... so... prole. :-(