NEW YORK - July 7. As news of the London terrorist attack by an al-Qaeda group spread Thursday, three progressive intellectuals Noam Chomsky, Ward Churchill, and Lenora Fulani immediately felt in their hearts the need to reach out and explain to Londoners why the attacks, which killed over 40 people and injured 300, were their own fault and that they fully deserved what they got.

The three progressive icons gathered in New York for a press conference, where they stated, "Based on the first reactions out of London, the British people are showing a glaring lack of shame over being attacked. It is our duty, as citizens of this planet, to go to Britain and instill an enormous amount of guilt in the government and its constituents. We would like to see the British apologize to al-Qaeda for what happened."

On the way to JFK airport, however, the progressive troika started having second thoughts about the transatlantic flight. The limousine driver at JFK told our correspondent that his three passengers were getting increasingly jittery and he had to deodorize the seats afterwards, keeping the doors opened for more than 40 minutes before he could take another passenger.

At the first glimpse of the airfield, the intrepid trio told their driver to slow down, and then ordered him to stop completely. Chomsky was the first to bail out and run the other way, immediately followed by Lenora Fulani, and eventually by the fit and manly Churchill.

"I still stand by my words," Ward Churchill told our correspondent. "I see Little Eichmanns everywhere. They are boarding planes as we speak. So if a plane exploded in midair, all those disgusting Little Eichmanns would get what they deserved. But it would be a tragedy of cosmic proportions, equaled only by the Holocaust, if I were to perish with them. Because, you see, I'm one of a few exceptions to the rule. I'm not a Little Eichmann. So it is only fair that I stay as far away as possible from all those traveling Little Eichmanns."

"If I died, it would be a human tragedy of epic magnitude," added Lenora Fulani. "Otherwise, a blown-up plane would be just another excuse for me to explain why terrorism is America 's fault. See my point? If I get blown up, who will tell New Yorkers and Londoners that they are dying because they didn't listen to me and didn't reconsider their policies? We shall overcome!"

"We're not giving up," announced Chomsky. "We can always take a private jet later. I'm sure George Soros will be happy to lend us his private plane. London was his home for many years; he would love to lend a helping hand to Britain just as much as he's helping America today. I hear his jet is equipped with an anti-missile defense system. So the revolution will go on."

In other news, Creators of the International Freedom Center museum at Ground Zero in New York announced plans today to open a branch in London, where they will display educational pictures and materials explaining exactly how the Britons brought the mass-murdering attacks upon themselves.

I hope that you will follow the lead of our newspaper in coming days and desist from publishing incendiary photographs -- such as the one at the top of this page. Journalistic standards require strict objectivity; until each so-called "terrorist" suspect has been given a fair trial (with their Miranda rights clearly explained), our industry must not publish any material that will exacerbate prejudice against innocent people.

Just as we exercised restraint by quickly suppressing images of people jumping out of the World Trade Center, we will likewise shift our emphasis in this case to its genesis; i.e., the wrong-headed and malicious policies of President George W. Bush. We will also reach out to people who have become the easiest targets to scapegoat, and will be vigilant in defending the so-called "radical" Islamic community against bigotry.

Although we usually agree with The People's Cube (you have developed some superb ideas), we again ask that you join us in restraint, moderation, and understanding.

Thank you.

Arthur

Komrade Arthur,

While you are correct in your view that everyone must be tolerant of other people's decisions, surely you recognize that, as progressives, our ideas are the only intelligent ones. You know, as I do, that when we say we are "tolerant", we mean "tolerant" only as long as people are speaking the correct opinions. Everyone with a brain knows that only brain-dead hicks voted for Bush.

Who wouldn't vote for a man who wanted to create a welfare state? A man who sees the bright RED sun of the future of America? A man who wants the earnings of an educated man to go to a proletarian in Camden, NJ who is exercising his right to not to find work? A man who wanted free (by free, I mean the rich pay for everyone's) health care for all? I of course am talking about a person who doesn't exist. Wouldn't it be great if he did?? The People's Cube would support a revolution by such a glorious progressive thinker.

As radicals, we agree that the Islamic people have been too long oppessed and maligned by the capitalists and the bourgeois of the world. Progressive thinkers like the Taliban leader Mullah Mohammed Omar, PLO Matyr Yasser Arafat, and Cuban heroes Che Guevara and Fidel Castro are all to be praised for being more equal than the rest. Remember comrade, while we are all equal, there are some of us who are more equal than others. These visionaries must be praised for their visions.

Now, Komrade Bin Laden and his Al-Qaeda network are joining the hall of heroes. Bin Laden has already achieved a distinguished career, highlighted by the '93 and '01 WTC bombings, the USS Cole, and, of course, killing lots of captialists. Such people deserve to be celebrated for their glorious visions. Imagine a world without the bourgeoisie, a world without capitalists, a world without idiots who vote for Bush. I weep tears of joy komrade when I read of the work our fellow travelers have been doing in the media. Please continue fighting the good fight and brain washing the people of the world into thinking that America, not the freedom fighters, is the true evil of the world.

In closing, the protestors who are showing their support for these people are obviously some of the best revolutionaries I've seen. I personally love the "Bush Regime Engineered 9-11" crowd. They clearly understand that we are victims of an evil man who wants nothing more than to destroy all of our liberties, while drinking Iraqi oil and eating Palestinian babies.

CARRY ON GOOD SIR!!

-Komrade Koz,
1917 Prolat Ave
Nashville, Red Tennessee
37235

ALTERNATIVE OFFICE:
1848 Red Way
Ridgewood, People's Republic of New Jersey
07450

Fortunately, my column was published the day after the attack, which gave me an excellent opportunity to turn the focus away from mangled corpses and flying body fragments -- and instead shift the debate to what I believe is most critical:

"Western countries are going to be tempted to crack down even harder on their own Muslim populations. That, too, is deeply troubling."

You see, this will create "internal tension" and "alienate Muslim youth".

Most of my readers do not know that my house was recently burglarized. We came home to see a house that was emptied of its valuables. Mrs. Friedman, distraught, looked at me and said, "Mr. Friedman, we must call the police!"

"No," I thoughtfully replied, "The police might interview suspects, and will therefore alienate them. The last thing we need are alienated burglary suspects. It will cause far too much tension."

She understood. And I understand. We now must encourage everyone else to understand that what matters most is understanding. There is no better defense against violence than understanding the attacker. And that can only be done by forgetting what the attackers do, and by hectoring people who do not share my legendary grasp of international matters.

Oh Thomas, I love your articles. Once, a man was beating me with a stick, and I took your advice. I looked within at my prejudices and realized that the healing starts with understanding the real victim (the one with the stick). I also realized that fighting back would only alienate my already tortured attacker. I then picked up a nearby stick and assisted my assailant in beating me!

Oh, the joy at self-flagellation! After a while, my attacker looked puzzled and sat on a park bench in dismay, while I continued my righteous self-condemnation with mighty blows from my switch! I could feel the righteousness returning to my bloodied torso. I could understand why I was being beaten so fully! My attacker was doing me a favor!

So three cheers for your wonderful logic dear Thomas! I do hope that you will have the chance to be beaten (or even better, blown up) one day too.

Boy oh boy do I hate Thomas Friedman, Paul Krugman, Maureen Dowd, Ed Wong, Liz Bumiller, Judith Miller and every other pschizophrenic NY Times sociopath. They've all been educated beyond their means, able to write but unable to comprehend their subject matter. These people would paint a bulls eye on New York City and lend a nuke and the Enola Gay to Iran if they had the chance. I swear the New York Times is more like a bizarre cult than a newspaper. The only thing more frightening is their loyal New York liberal following. I would sooner follow a lemming than any of these people. So, to take a page from the NY Times' favorite Mullahs:

DEATH TO THE NEW YORK TIMES!

Mr. Komrade Koz:

My newspaper is indebted to readers such as yourself, who provide the profound insights that can only be found among the educated, the conscientious, and the caring. And in the spirit of your support, and of course in the spirit of our non-judgmental editorial policies, I have already directed my editors to diffuse the hate in London by making two stories prominent on our "Home" web page:

A) "New Imam Calls for Help in Catching Bombers", which will be our only reference to Islam, and

B) An article that ridicules Catholics for their primitive beliefs: "Leading Cardinal Redefines Church's View on Evolution". Apparently, Catholics (probably all of them) no longer accept evolution. Such a simple people. But dangerous; they do form a significant component of the mean-spirited right-wing Republican Administration.

May I hasten to add that in your list of destabilizing global influences, you omitted Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo Bay, and of course, Israel. Rest assured, however, that we will continue and continue and continue and continue and continue to expose these matters to our readers.

We care because it matters.

Respectfully Yours,

Arthur

P.S. I wonder..."We Care Because It Matters". Could it be an improvement over the somewhat dated "All The News That Fits..."?

My cousin, Lenora Fulani, had a scheduling conflict with The People's Committee to Reinstate President Ortega, and that's the only reason she was unable to fly.

All other acounts of her absence were planted by duplicitous Zionists, just as they planted the bombs in London as a distraction from the Palestinian Holocaust. By now, we have all read of how the Zionist "Finance Minister" knew about the London attacks, and was sheltered from harm. What additional evidence is needed to prove beyond any doubt that these "terrorist attacks" were a plot between the Zionists and their American corporate pig-puppets to achieve world hegemony?

My cousin and I hurt for the innocent people (of color) who were the latest vicitms of Zionist/American/capitalist murderers. But soon, our fascist enemies will no longer be able to rape the people for their profit$$$. They will feel the wrath of our unity. And our diversity. Unity. Diversity. Their days are numbered.

Of course it isn't our fault that 9-11 happened, it was the capitalists fault. we just stgand by and criticize whenever we can.