In an odd exposé that has left the worlds of politics and academia abuzz, a local homeless person revealed yesterday that he only blamed himself for his failures.

The incident occurred near the dumpster behind the Shop Rite store in Brooklyn, when Willard Kookish, formerly of 435 Subprime Lane in Nutly, NJ, casually told a reporter that "my problems are my own fault." The veteran New York Times reporter Ken McLiar, who has been searching area dumpsters for a 3,785-part series on people who are homeless due to the evils of American capitalism, admits he was astonished by Mr. Kookish's bizarre confession.

When asked to elaborate, Mr. Kookish went on to say, "I went through college drinking and smoking dope and never learned anything. I've had many job opportunities but didn't bother to show up. My family left me a nice house to live in but I took out home equity loans on it and spent the money on hookers and gambling. When the housing boom collapsed I lost everything. I made bad decisions and here I am bearing the consequences."

The startling revelation has left many in the community troubled by what it may portend for society at large. "It should be illegal to talk like that", said Marge Stumpko, an angered low-wage waitress from Lower Skunkworks, NY. "Aren't we all our brother's keepers? Is that all you're leaving for my tip, turdface?"

Floyd Grabbuck, a community organizer from Chicago, furiously described Mr. Kookish's statement as "un-American and downright traitorous," suggesting that "If that ungrateful rat-bastard doesn't like how we do things in this country, maybe he should move to a place like Russia where the government doesn't care for its subjects and see how he likes it there."

Eddie Fuppish, a mismarked ballot corrector from Franken, Minnesota, sounded more conciliatory: "The poor man needs help. Anybody that takes responsibility for his own actions is certifiably insane. Just look at all the big businesses selling you stuff for money. Don't tell me you are in control of your own spending or anything else for that matter. You're not. That's why I vote Democratic and make sure other people do the same, even if they didn't mark their ballots that way. It's the right thing to do. People need to be protected."

Experts, on whom the incompetent depend to explain the complicated world they fail to understand, are unanimous. "It's Reagan's fault," says Professor Wilton Chumpley, a consulting sociologist from the University of Twerp in Belgium. "Remember how in the 1980s that actor-president mislead people into thinking they could spend their own money and run their own lives without expert help? And then you had that crackpot economist Milton Friedman falsely claiming that the government shouldn't be responsible for directing people's existence. It made less sense than the UFO stories, at least for smart people like myself. But, tragically, some fools took it seriously; it ruined their lives."

President Obama has not commented publicly on the controversy but has privately told aides that "former President Bush is not getting off the hook for the economy, the War in Iraq, Hurricane Katrina or Willard Kookish's failures on my watch." Sources speculate that Kookish's mortgage default will be added to the list of indictable offenses against former Bush Administration officials.

Reverend Al Sharpton excoriated Kookish's "arrogant fantasy," calling it "blame the victim" rhetoric from the right and predicting that the incident would set race relations in the US back fifty years, even though Kookish is white. "It don't matter who the victim is, it's who's doing the blaming that makes it wrong," Sharpton said.

Regardless of the troubling short-term fallout from the incident, the long term trends are clear. "We need to make people understand they don't matter," stated House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "Having become cogs in the huge state machine, they can't be allowed to think independently and control their lives; that's what we're here for." Pelosi stressed the inevitability of new taxes and government programs in order to liberate people from such delusions. "People like Willard Kookish better get this through their thick skulls: it's not their fault, it's society's. And that's why they need President Obama and the Democrat-controlled Congress to subdue this country in order to fix it."

Just in Comrades,
The House of Organizers just passed Obamacare!
Blessed be Comrade Peloski
It's been a long week Nanski, you worked so hard. I have a lovely video just for you............

I'm so glad that Nanski Peloski is here so that I don't have to be, er, here. What would I do if I were responsible for myself? Once I was responsible. I went to school and did well. I went to college and got a degree. I didn't cheat, and it was a degree which simply didn't let me bullshit because it was quantifiable. The answers were right or not, and didn't care who held the pencil.

But that was before I saw the light and became a progressive. As a progressive I feel so much better now, knowing that the world is responsible for me.

I used to worry that I was supposed to do something for the world, you know, like all those public-service ads say I should, but then I realized that a true progressive always says exactly the opposite of what s/h/it means.

You mean someone is actually not blaming Obama or Bush for their financial troubles?

Thank you comrade Grigori for marvelous example of glorious Soviet talent.! Is thing of beauty!! I am searching for more of these talents and hope to find! Heil ObaMao, Boris Rublegruber

Grigori E.R. wrote:Just in Comrades,
The House of Organizers just passed Obamacare!
Blessed be Comrade Peloski
It's been a long week Nanski, you worked so hard. I have a lovely video just for you............

This man needs help. He is deranged. Look at him. He's holding up a sign, a sure sign, of his own will, his own accord, of self reliance.

First, he must immediately be listed as an ACORN worker, and get his housing allowance.

Then, he can be enrolled in AmeriCorps, with extracurricular group therapy meetings to make him understand that with every breath he takes, he is destroying the planet, but above all, evil Kapitalist businesses are destroying the planet, and they must be destroyed, and instead of standing on street corners holding up signs, he needs to stand up on street corners holding signs for any union workers who strike against evil kapitalist corporations.

Above all, he must be made and kept dependent. Dependent on the government for his housing, dependent on unions for his worker rights, dependent the government for his food stamps, and dependent on the government for his health care. Only then, will he be on his way to being straightened out.

He is a project only a made prog who works as hard as Saint Nanski Peloski will be able to fix, but it can be done.

This poor man needs re-education! Holding anti-revolutionary banners like that is dangerous. All right thinking people know the current economic hardships are the result of years of oppression by the capitalist warmongers and not the ordinary citizens! O.K., so a few decided to get houses they could never afford in the first place, but isn't that why we are redistributing the wealth around? This poor comrade needs some time in a re-education center and fast! and he needs to be cleaned up too! (although I dont mind the beard, after all, if it was good enough for Marx and Engels, it's good enough for him...)

This Willard Kookish person needs to report to the nearest E.O.L. Counseling Clinic. It will be easy to spot. They're right in front of the buildings with green smoke coming from the chimneys.

Comrade Leninka is correct about Saint Nanski Peloski. See:


Comrade Boris,
You're welcome. I try to showcase the best from the Motherland.
That video was a lovely performance by Анастасия Приходько (young lady on the right) and Полина Гагарина (young lady on the left). " Я тебя не прощу" is a beautiful song about betrayal from both sides.

Self determination? Pfft, I haven't had an independent thought since I was reeducated, and I'm assured that I've never been happier.

I learned long ago that the path to security lies in obsequious groveling at the feet of The Party. Therefore, I think Mr. Creepy Hobo needs more toad in his diet. That'll set him straight.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:
But that was before I saw the light and became a progressive. As a progressive I feel so much better now, knowing that the world is responsible for me.

I used to worry that I was supposed to do something for the world, you know, like all those public-service ads say I should, but then I realized that a true progressive always says exactly the opposite of what s/h/it means.

Commissar, I must question your revolutionary dedication. If you were a true progressive
you would say "the world is responsible to me" not responsible for me. This is not some pseudo-communist nanny state. You are supposed to be an elite among exhalted dictators.
How are we to teach the proles to develop malignant-entitlement-syndrome with you making freudian slips? How will we ever elevate the mindset created by the peoples hero
Фёдор Миха́йлович Достое́вский
, Fёdor Mihajlovič Dosto'evskij , "Thus, Jewry is thriving precisely there where the people are still ignorant, or not free, or economically backward. It is there that Jewry has a champ libre. And instead of raising, by its influence, the level of education, instead of increasing knowledge, generating economic fitness in the native population -- instead of this the Jew, wherever he has settled, has still more humiliated and debauched the people; there humaneness was still more debased and the educational level fell still lower; there inescapable, inhuman misery, and with it despair, spread still more disgustingly. Ask the native population in our border regions: What is propelling the Jew -- and has been propelling him for centuries? You will receive a unanimous answer: mercilessness. He has been prompted so many centuries only by pitilessness to us, only by the thirst for our sweat and blood."

WHAT IS THIS!!!!

That prole must immediately be taken in for re-education, Or to Jiffy Lobo makes little difference to me. How dare he take personal responsibility. If this gets around Others may take responsibility for themselves their action, and what will we be left with? KKKapitolizm!!! How Dare they!!!

Нэнси может расцеловать моего ишака. Либералы действительно полное дерьмо

Next he will not be claiming victim status!!! This must be STOPPED!!!
I'm getting the goons Highly Trained Troopers ready were going to find this clown, and show him the way of the Obamessiah.

акой пук дерьма, проигравших в Вашингтон действительно всасывает

Commissar Red Star CEO Hemlock Hospitality Inc.
Director of kicking doors at midnight
Keeper of the Sacred Plasma Cutter.
Herdsman of Rainbow Farting Unicorns
Defender of the Faith

Another prole lost to Kapitalist LIES!!! NoOne is responsible for themSELVES Komrade Kookish! Society made them do it!!! If it were not for Kapitalistism we would all be free to roam the Earth with the Deer, and Elk, and Moose, and Buffalo, and Bear, and Mountain Lions, and.... WAIT A SECOND KOMRADES, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

Comrades

Let us not be so hard on Willard Kookish. Of course our first reaction is one of repulse and horror to his sign and his words, but let us step back for a moment and see what this really is.

A cry for help to the progressive community and a real wanting to finally assign the real reason for his current status, as a complete loser and leech on society. He is seeking a way to finally have someone tell him the words he wants to shout out, are okay after all.

He just doesn't know how to do it yet. How do I know this Comrades? It is all there in his sign.There is a subtle code in the sign that underlies the mental turmoil roiling in his mind right now. He may think he is blaming himself, but his inner mind betrays the fact that this is really not the case after all. I'll demonstrate:

Before an examination of his sign and looking at the deeper clues involved in his thought processes.


After examination the undeniable conclusion after all.

His current confused mental state is not allowing him to put the 'S' and the 'H' in the proper place yet, but he is close Comrades, so close! Let's not beat up on him and instead help him get to the finish line as to who is really to blame for his situation after all. DAMN THAT GEORGE BUSH!

I think your onto something there Comrade Snoogie, and I'm sure some BIGOTED CONSERVATIVE™ like Archie Bunker would call Komrade Kookish "Meathead" once he realized his "true" self....

Oh, Wills, sometimes I just get tired of blaming the world. You know, it's all someone else's fault. Have you ever, and this is hard for me, ever thought that all this progressive stuff was just [ looking around nervously ] a bunch of whining, self-exculpatory bullshit by a bunch of childish wankers?

I mean, if...

All right, Bruno! All right! I'm know I skipped last week's Jiffi-Lobo appointment! I'll go now. Right now! Put down that stiletto heel, you ditzy queen! Put it down, I say!

I'm a made progressive, Bruno. I just had a, er, slight slip. Everyone does. It won't happen again. It's everyone else's fault. I know that. I'm not to blame. I'm not responsible for myself. What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine too and if I can get it it wasn't nailed down. Just a little slip, Bruno. I promise.

<i>All right! I'm going to Jiffi-Lobo now!</i>

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Oh, Wills, sometimes I just get tired of blaming the world. You know, it's all someone else's fault. Have you ever, and this is hard for me, ever thought that all this progressive stuff was just [ looking around nervously ] a bunch of whining, self-exculpatory bullshit by a bunch of childish wankers?

I mean, if...

<i>All right! I'm going to Jiffi-Lobo now!</i>

Alright now commrade? You and Bruno have your recreation at Jiffi-Lobo? You are now back to proper progressive ideaology? I sometimes worry about you and slut-puppy commrade Bruno. First Directorate has assigned to me your case and keeping you on correct thinking
is first priority. If you will blame self for personal failure what message do you send? How then will we make capitalist pigs true downtrodden and ignorant? If you do not blame imperialist western people who you will blame, slut-puppy commrade Bruno?
Hold strong to our cause commrade you have important job. After struggle is finish and we have the world control you can be appointed collective manager for all Jiffi-Lobo.

Commodore Snoogie Woogums wrote:Comrades

Let us not be so hard on Willard Kookish. Of course our first reaction is one of repulse and horror to his sign and his words, but let us step back for a moment and see what this really is.



His current confused mental state is not allowing him to put the 'S' and the 'H' in the proper place yet, but he is close Comrades, so close! Let's not beat up on him and instead help him get to the finish line as to who is really to blame for his situation after all. DAMN THAT GEORGE BUSH!

Commodore Snoogie you are correct in observation but you have divulged state secret of our work. We do not want this criminal to be able to spell and construct intelligent sentence or even understand why he is bum. If he blame self good then he will not blame us. It is enough for him to know he is bum and continue to drink preferably vodka which we have total control of production.
If you continue to tell state secret like this you will begin to see Trotsky Troll Trooper keeping eyes on you. You have been warned.
In answer to your thinking now, No I am not Bill Ayers, I am Commrade Vilhelm of First Directorate FSB

Vilhelm, do not worry about me. I just returned from a double session at Jiffi-Lobo and I got my superheterodyne, phased-antenna-array, mu-metal-shielded, Pamela Anderson-skin-wrapped tin-foil hat stapled to my head, to hide the collapse of my forehead.

I am now a true party member, and would never think of blaming myself. Ever. Not even for shitting my pants after the Jiffi-Lobo.

Comrades,
Kookiman's sign is an obvious fraud. Look at the letters. They're perfectly formed and spaced! Photoshopped or pre-printed.

Moving on with the truth:

Comrades! I too am outrage about this prole!

I have a suggestion. To soften this prole up before sending him in for a Jiffi-Lobo, lock him in a room with Bruno and force him to listen to Bruno's basso profundo rendition of "The Way We Were". That should turn is brain into The People's Gruel™.

--
ZB

Zampolit, a brilliant scheme. I'll tell you. Bruno has been working on an entire Streisand medley, including "Memories." Those high notes are something to hear.

And as an encore he'll do his Liza impersonation, and the hit of that is "Cabaret." Here's his poster: It's very thrilling when he sings, in his rusty basso profundo,

"What good [kick] is sitting [kick] alone in your room [kick, kick]"

as he sashays toward you, hands on hips, in his 6" heels.

You'll never be the same.

Comrade Theocritus,

Does Bruno do bachelor parties?

Theo, congrats on your first Photoshop job! I predict you will go far. Which will be great so long as it doesn't distract you from the usual impaling for the Common Good(TM).

Bruno once did a bachelor party but the groom was so traumatized that the wedding had to be annulled. "Son," the preacher said to the groom, "You look like you've seen a ghost."

I think it was the fishnet stockings that did it.

Red, thanks. That was a 15-minute job, but I stole RR's Bruno head. But I know how to do it now.

I wondered if your rendering of Bruno as a Cabaret girl had been of your own doing. Yes, congratulations. Just watch where you go with the magic wand tool.

I found the Cabaret picture on Google images, and yes, used the Magic Wand. The Undo is very useful. But I also used the lasso and square marquee tool and am just now (DUH) learning the joy of layers. Even though I was told.

This brings back memories of something that required the "stamp" tool, where I needed to cover a Borat swimming suit with stomach hair (click on stamp tool, press ALT, then click on wherever you want to copy, then reuse stamp tool without the ALT).

I bought one of the first PSs in the late 80s, I think, before layers. And then it grew and grew and grew and I didn't need it as I retreated into myself. I'm having fun with this, and I just had my piano tuned. The two are not unrelated. Let's hope.

Commissar Theocritus wrote: ... Bruno has been working on an entire Streisand medley, including "Memories." Those high notes are something to hear.

Hmmm.... the word "something" is not what comes to mind.

Commissar Theocritus wrote: It's very thrilling when he sings, in his rusty basso profundo,

"What good [kick] is sitting [kick] alone in your room [kick, kick]"

as he sashays toward you, hands on hips, in his 6" heels.

You'll never be the same.

Wow... That's ... uh ... some <s>frightening</s> powerful imagery. I wonder if the NYT critic was transformed afterwards?

Frank Rich said it was brilliant; there could have been more of it if only the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy hadn't conspired to keep 6'4" tall transvestites with basso profundo voices and five-o'clock shadow at 10 AM from doing Liza and Barbra medleys.

You're so lucky to have Bruno, O Comparatively Magnificent and Astoundingly Equal Commissar Theocritus. All I've got is half a lime next to my bowl.

The VRWC knows not the joy it has denied the world. Tell Bruno to stay strong for the sake of all the 6'4'' transvestite stage divas out there!

Pasternak, the problem with Bruno, oh hell, just one of the plenitude of problems with Bruno, and don't get me started, is that he thinks that he's the only 6'4" transvestite stage diva on earth. You know the act--drama, tears, storming, rage, and more neuroses than Bellvue and Ben Taub in Houston combined.

But I do find value in Bruno. He is the perfect window into the Progressive mind. Shallow, self-obsessed, selfish, mean, nasty, solipsistic, and arrogant.

Why, if I didn't have Bruno, I'd have to <i>think</i> and then I couldn't be a Made Progressive.

Thinking's never been a problem for me, Eternally Ruthful Commissar. One of many benefits of being a vegetable, I guess.

On that note, it might be a good idea for The Party to run more veggies in the future; a cabbage could be at least as useful in office as Chris Dodd.

It would be easier to re-elect, and it'd smell better.

Red Rooster wrote:Another prole lost to Kapitalist LIES!!! NoOne is responsible for themSELVES Komrade Kookish! Society made them do it!!! If it were not for Kapitalistism we would all be free to roam the Earth with the Deer, and Elk, and Moose, and Buffalo, and Bear, and Mountain Lions, and.... WAIT A SECOND KOMRADES, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

So true Comrade, just look at these people masquerading as Progressives trying to be free among the subjects of nature ... I think though they are really teabaggers in disguise, notice the pickup truck in the background and the "Texas" website ad on the truck. Poor little Bambies, seems these Evil KKKonservatives are really just too damn lazy to hunt the right way, I think they cut the video short to spare us the gory slaughter afterwards.

<iframe src="https://www.snotr.com/embed/2772" width="400" height="330" frameborder="0"></iframe>

Castrate, you know that we must be respectful for all the creatures of the Holy Gory, Primate of the First Church of Gaia and keeper of the Bio-Solar Yacht, which is neither.

In fact I am so mindful of the little tiny organisms which my body kills every day and which I egest in turds that I hold a funeral service for them. These one-celled animals did nothing to me and it was only by my being human that they died. An American human.

One time I laid a deuce which looked exactly like Nanski Belly Boobs, which I took as the one-celled organisms' tribute to Nanski. It is now reposing in a jar of formaldehyde. It's truer to Nanski than Nanski herself.

Progressives come to marvel at the image of the Nanski Belly Boobs deuce; I'm not getting any sleep at all. The lines are a mile long just to marvel at the perfect stercoraceous incarnation of Nanski Belly Boobs.

I have had to build an altar for the Progressive Pustules Postulants who genuflect before the Nansky Deuce.

Comrades, I have a totally irrelevant factoid. I recently discovered the following emoticon- ( : (
The smowney face. (forgive me, I had to space to avoid the auto-emoticon).

I assumed that it could be used to represent either indecision or schizophrenia, but I wasn't quite sure which one. Now, I have reached a better conclusion: It can be used to represent our mindlessness apart from the party and our glorious leader. It is not up to us to choose between happiness or sadness, but rather for the party to chose for us. Of course, even if the party should choose sadness, we should be happy with their decision. Of course, we must also be sad. This leads us back to my point:
) : )
The Smowney face.

Remember comrades, just because you have sadness rations, that doesn't mean you have to use them... unless, of course, you do have to use them.

I love this place.

Willard Kookish is not a true proletarian because he came to see the self-evident truth that he is not equal in his rights to property with those in the hateful middle class who have labored for their property. He has lost sight of The Party's Doublethink (officially irrational) truth whereby all proletarians have a State-given right to middle class property regardless of creativity and labor, with an eye toward the destruction of equality before law (along with the middle class) and with an eye toward equality of outcome; what we intellectuals in the Inner Party have dubbed "Social Justice." We in the Party, as rulers of the State, will procure said property with the aid of our gun-clinging State enforcement officers and Manifesto-clinging State Judges. Let us forever maintain equality of outcome for each and every one of our former middle class – now proletarian – serfs, with the proviso that some of us (Inner Party) are more equal than others. Let Social Justice roll down like a mighty river.

Never forget Comrades what our dear leader has taught us:

“The proletariat will use its political supremacy to wrest, by degree, all capital from the bourgeoisie, to centralize all instruments of production in the hands of the state… Of course, in the beginning, this cannot be effected except by means of despotic inroads on the rights of property… You must, therefore, confess that by "individual" you mean no other person than the bourgeois, than the middle-class owner of property. This person must, indeed, be swept out of the way, and made impossible.” Karl Marx

Holy Book: <a href="https://www.anu.edu.au/polsci/marx/clas ... festo.html"> https://www.anu.edu.au/polsci/marx/clas ... to.html</a>

BTY, this man is in danger of becoming a Kulak - Gulag 376.

I have heard of a new emoticon used in Washington:

_oo=====>

As in Nansky _oo=====> America

And Kulak, yes indeed all property is theft and must be shared equally. But some are more equal than others. Think of Ralph Nader, that fearless crusader. Whose assets are held in family members' names. When his magazine decided to unionize, he fired them and changed the locks. He's done well by doing good.

And who has done better by doing good than the Holy Gore? He takes private jets to his talks and the limousines wait, idling, while he speaks. But we must renounce.

Yes, the Holy Gore understands.

And Lord 0bama and Miss Resentment go on a Date Night to New York, on taxpayer expense. Well, progressives of their stature deserve that. The hated Ronald Reagan chopped wood on his ranch, and Chimpy McBu$hitler cleared brush on his ranch.

So some are more equal than others.

Commissar Theocritus,
Yes, of course; thank you for reminding me that Holy Gore is an extremely equal Inner Party Comrade of the Holy Book.

The Holy Gore and Our Many Titted Empress were so close during the reign of Slick Willie the honorable Bill Clinton. Not that I am implying anything by that, but they had the true progressive attitude toward people, especially the Secret Service.

The Holy Gore once berated his children, saying, "If you don't straighten up, you'll wind up like that!" pointing to someone who was protecting them. I'm not sure I got the words just right, and a pox of me for forgetting Holy Script, but no one can match is disdain.

For people who do things for him. A true Progressive.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:I bought one of the first PSs in the late 80s, I think, before layers. And then it grew and grew and grew and I didn't need it as I retreated into myself. I'm having fun with this, and I just had my piano tuned. The two are not unrelated. Let's hope.

Just think of it as all the different variations of "Ah! Vous Dirai-je Maman."

Thank you, Leninka. What a wonderful pianist. I'd hate to shake hands with him, if I wanted my right hand intact.

I thought I was fairly <i>au courrant</i> with Mozart, if you can be current with a man who's been dead for 218 years, come December. But I hadn't heard that. The Mozart at the end didn't pop up but it yelled Mozart to me. What a great pianist. BTW, have you heard the young Polish pianist Piotr Anderszewski? Very fine. Good technique. Obviously young, but very listenable. His 20 and 21, 24 and 17 are all very good and stay on the iPod that I travel with, and are on the iMac which feeds my house.

I have a CD, <a href=" if Mozart Wrote 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus?</a>. I've had it for years and now is the time to drag it out. It's great good fun, like <a href=" Bayless's Bach Meets the Beatles</a>.

At first, when I was stodgier, I would harrumph over the indignities but Mozart himself arranged Bach into string trios. One of my favorite Bach pieces was really written by Vivaldi.

And at work one of the girls puts on the local country radio station which plays the same song over and over. There's the Hoo Hoo Song, and the Stomach Ache Song and all of them are 2:30 long and all of them are tedious and boring and repetitive and nasal... At least they're not hip-hop with thugs screaming violence.

Comrade Theocritus,

I'm glad you enjoyed it. This piece is one I have been playing on my cheap and off-pitch electric keyboard that I purchased a couple of years ago on e-bay.

Do you somehow think that I don't know what I said Comrade K'Scribe. Much less, do you think my devoted proles of The Cube have not read my works and do not proselytize the dream of Equality™ across the USSA?

A religion, comrade, of The State, trumps all mythologies in spades.

Karl, a religion by definition is based on faith and by definition trumps reality. Successful religions are sufficiently in touch with reality that they do not fail obviously. Progressivism is a secular religion which can be disproven on its very face. Which is why why must enact the Fairness Doctrine and demonize everyone who questions us.

Leninka, I am impressed if that is a Mozart practice piece of yours. Are you by chance left-handed? When I'm out of practice, which is always, the first thing to go is the Mozart. He takes a delicacy of touch that no one else seems to. There's nothing to hide behind.

Actually, Comrade Theocritus, I am somewhat ambidextrous, but I learn a song one hand at a time, and struggle to put it all together. But, in my childhood I preferred to be at a keyboard while other children were playing, so gradually, through the years, I accumulated a larger repertoire, nevertheless, I remain an amateur who is best fitted to entertain no one but me.

Commissar Theocritus: "religion by definition is based on faith and by definition trumps reality."

Beautifully stated Commissar; the Inner Party Priesthood - Big Brother himself - will soon present you with the Party certificate of immortality. Always remember these principles from the Inner Party Preists of Power in regards to our objectives and our reality:

The Party seeks power entirely for it's own sake. We are not interested in the good of others...We're different from all the oligarchies of the past in that we know what we're doing...Power is not a means, it is an end... We are the priests of power.

The individual is only a cell...Power is collective; the individual has power only in so far that he ceases to be an individual...if he can make complete utter submission; if he can escape from his identity, if he cam merge himself in the Party so that he is the Party, then he is all powerful and immortal.

Power is power over human beings, over the body; but above all over the mind...reality is inside the skull. Outside man there is nothing...the Earth is the center of the Universe; the Sun and the Stars go round it.

The real power; the power we have to fight for night and day is not power over things but over men. How does one man assert his power over another, Winston? By making him suffer... Power is in inflicting pain and humiliation. Power is in tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing.

Can you not understand that the death of the individual is not death; the Party is immortal...You're imagining that there is something called human nature which will be outraged by what we do, and will turn against us; but we create human nature.

Doublethink means the power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one's mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them...with the lie always one leap ahead of the truth. Those who have the best knowledge of what is happening are also those who are furthest from seeing the world as it is; in general the greater the understanding the greater the delusion; the more intelligent the less sane.

If human equality is to be forever averted; if the "high," as we have called them, are to keep their places permanently; then the prevailing mental condition must be controlled insanity.

Y'know, I may be a junior Party member--ergo a little less equal than others--but it seems to me that Komrade Kulak may have had undue exposure to a certain notorious thought criminal's magnum opus (and oh, the very word "magnum" disgusts me).

I humbly (very humbly, for I am as nothing unto The Party) submit that Kulak ought to be investigated, and if need be, re-reeducated.

Can I have his shovel afterwards?

RED ALERT!

A link from Instapundit to this article today is causing a glorious spike in web traffic. Utopia is right behind the corner, comrades!

Keep the Cube rolling,
Red Square

Red Square wrote:RED ALERT!

A link from Instapundit to this article today is causing a glorious spike in web traffic. Utopia is right behind the corner, comrades!

Keep the Cube rolling,
Red Square

Does this mean we get a boost in our shoe and chocolate rations? Shoe leather goes great with beet stew.

In other news, this People's Cube editorial was translated into Dutch with changes to reflect the Netherlands politics.

- https://benschop.wordpress.com/2009/11/ ... en-schuld/

The Netherlands blogger Herman Benschop contacted me yesterday asking for a permission to do this and I gladly agreed. Today he sent me this link.

Noodzakelijk kwaad wrote: ‘Alles is mijn eigen schuld!'
Gepubliceerd op 15/11/2009
Actueel , Overheid , Politici , Politiek algemeen , PvdA , Westen

Een onverwachte verklaring van een dakloze man leidde gisteren tot commotie bij politici en opiniemakers in het gehele land. Het incident begon nadat Vrij Nederland journalist Edwin Niemendal op bezoek ging bij de opvang van het Leger des Heils in Amsterdam om onderzoek te doen in zijn 748-delige serie waaruit moet blijken dat de economische crisis, en de gevolgen voor individuen, geheel en al de schuld zijn van het grootkapitaal.

I'm guilty as charged; a thought criminal. Worse yet, I have feelings of hatred for the Party; a feeling criminal. Thoughts about truth and such feelings against the Party are indeed very serious crimes. Anything, anything, anything....but room 101.

Re-education of thoughts and feelings is the only way to collective Party reality Comrades. Let Party Doublethink live in our minds regardless of the grating against it. Let us also reach out with our feelings and hold Party insanity dear to our hearts; we shall hold it religiously. Let our reality roll down from the State like a mighty river.

Poor, poor man. He has obviously been so beaten down by the corrupt American system that he has become delusional. Sadly the cruel effects of the criminal George W Bush will be felt for decades to come...

OK, Kulak's actually confessed now.

Seriously, can I have his shovel? I know I've already got one of my own, but I understand Party Logic means "I want it"="I deserve it", right? With no effort required?

Pasternak,
I've come to the Party knowledge that curing my thought crime resides in Doublethink; to ignore the abyss opening beneath my feet at the thought of lies becoming truth.

As for my feeling crime I've come to collective Party knowledge that the cure lies in ceasing to love God and in loving Big Brother, i.e.; in loving The Party. It is not enough to obey the Party; one must love the immortal and infallible Party.

I throw myself at the mercy of The Party. Party have mercy. Big Brother have mercy. Party have mercy.

I must also confess to the Party that I've committed another crime; I labored and hoarded up two shovels.

PP, I think that you have proven that you're worthy of your own, first-rate shovel. And a double ration of beet vodka. So mote it be!

Kulak, I love your egocentric view of the world. Since I'm a Made Progressive I spend all my time denouncing others, and denouncing myself, and my wicked needs. Why, I apostrophize, does anyone <i>need</i> to use the resources of Gaia?! I sink to my knees and sob, flailing myself with a cat-o-nine-tails while I moan about my iniquities. As I look under my eyebrows to see just who's noticing my pious stance. For after all, there's utterly no reason for anyone to do any denunciation if no one is watching, is there?

And of course the lie has to be one step ahead. That's why I like recursive lies. A recursive lie just keeps going. And going. And going. You don't have to tend to it. Tell a bit fat lie and when anyone begins to ask if it is indeed a lie you accuse him of not having a soul big enough to understand it, which is proven because he doesn't understand it. See how easy it is?

I got this once from a woman I knew who said, "If you don't understand it, I can't explain it to you." And this is of course the basis of the First Church of Gaia, Socialism, and indeed all of Progressivism.

Let the lies roll on!

But since we all believe them, and since if you think that they're lies, you just don't get it, that means that they're not lies and if you doubt that then you're a cold-hearted Republican bastard.

Kulak wrote:I must also confess to the Party that I've committed another crime; I labored and hoarded up two shovels.

<i>Te absolvo</i>.

As long as you use both of your shovels for the Greater Glory of the Collective, you are forgiven.

Commissar Theocritus wrote: But since we all believe them, and since if you think that they're lies, you just don't get it, that means that they're not lies and if you doubt that then you're a cold-hearted Republican bastard.

Your logic, as always, Commissar, amazes the infidel and frightens children and small animals.

Thank you, Rex. I'm in the process of rewriting Plato and <i>Principia Mathematica</i>.

I think that math is a bully. Why, just where does the CBO get off predicting that Obamacare is a complete and total economic basket case and the biggest lie since Slick's "I did not have sex with that woman"?

It's obvious to <i>me</i>, meaning that it ought to be obvious to you, and if it's not, Red Star's goons will be escorting you to Jiffi-Lobo, that math is the problem.

If a ray of light falls into a pig sty and shows pig shit, whose fault is it?

The ray of light's fault, of course. Duh. Or even Doh.

We shall have Obamacare. We shall have cap-and-trade. And all that number crunching is nothing more than disloyalty. Which means of course that the math is the problem. The accounting is the problem.

Now. I want all Made Progressives to consider how best to reform the examinations for a license to be a CPA. They have a nasty habit of telling unpleasant truths.

Perhaps Sarbanes Oxley Two? This is the one that imposes criminal penalties if you don't come up with the current truth, and screw the numbers.

Commissar Theocritus,
Your skilled use of Newspeak (formerly known as bullshit in oldspeak) is impressive; it forces the individual to either think for him/herself or submit to Inner Party Doublethink (preferred). Our Dear Leader (The One) and his associate Priest of Power (Holy Gore) are depending on the dissemination of this process throughout the less equal masses; particularly the middle class - those the Inner Party now refer to as proto-Proletarians.

Remember this maxim: More Newspeak = More Doublethink
More lies spoken = More lies digested

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote: Does this mean we get a boost in our shoe and chocolate rations? Shoe leather goes great with beet stew.

No! Commissarka Pinkie will only increase one's beet and/or vodka rations. Shoe leather will have to be recycled. It's for The Environment™, you know.

BTW, Where the hell have you been? In case you have not heard, the Rethuglicans won the Gov., Lt. Gov. and Atty Gen. elections here in our beloved People's Commonwealth of Virginia! This is a travesty!!! Before you know it, they will begin implementing pro-Capitalist initiatives in our Commonwealth! CAPITALISM IN A COMMONWEALTH? The very thought of such a thing turns my progressive stomach!

--
ZB

A bit off topic, but Newsweek really should re-style itself as Newspeak.

Kulak, I have been doing Newspeak for so long that I don't believe my name when I see it.

Olga Katrina, have you seen the estimable <i>Time</i>? Read some of the wisdom of Margaret Carlson and Richard Lacayo. How I envy them. They have never been right about anything. Everything that they say is a lie, including "and" and "the."

Komsomolka Olga Katrina,
Newsweek has already been through the re-education process, i.e.: it has already been re-styled; it only now needs to be re-named, but the renaming from Newsweek to Newspeak would its self be a violation of Newspeak, and would be a missed opportunity for Doublethink. Better to leave the name as is; all the better to confuse the Proletarians and proto-Proletarians (middle class). Think, think, think my dear; but above all, Doublethink.

BTY, I'm an ambitious Kulak; I've been considering some selected denunciations, which if successfully prosecuted by the Thought Police, might lead to an Outer Party appointment. If I play my cards right it is entirely possible that Commissar Theocritus, or one of the other extremely equal Inner Party members might write me a letter of recommendation. I'm looking for opportunities to be more equal than others through arbitrary State Power. It's time to jump ship from the Kulak class (lower middle class owners of property). You know what happens to ordinary Kulaks don't you? Our Great Leader from long ago (Marx) foretold it, and our other Great Leader (Stalin) took care of it.

“You must, therefore, confess that by "individual" you mean no other person than the bourgeois, than the middle-class owner of property. This person (Kulak) must, indeed, be swept out of the way, and made impossible.” Karl Marx

Let Social Justice roll down from the Inner Party like a mighty river.

Comrades I am fresh from the comfort of compulsory communist parade of Siberia. There for dinner sometimes our benevolent betters would let us have frozen turnips on holidays such as Ugly Olga Mother of Machinist Appreciation Day. Normally I would hold it to my breast and pretend it was the hard cold heart of a capitalist pig but if I had one now I would stone this spoilt sot of a socialist heretic!

Kulak wrote:Komsomolka Olga Katrina,
Newsweek has already been through the re-education process, i.e.: it has already been re-styled; it only now needs to be re-named, but the renaming from Newsweek to Newspeak would its self be a violation of Newspeak, and would be a missed opportunity for Doublethink. Better to leave the name as is; all the better to confuse the Proletarians and proto-Proletarians (middle class). Think, think, think my dear; but above all, Doublethink.

Most equal observations! Point well-taken. I guess I need to go back and thumb through myred-covered, well-worn Rules of Newspeak... or at least skim through the introductory course provided at the back of 1984.

No, don't tell me to think! I can't bear the thought of it! Thinking is dangerous, exhausting, and will make me a Thoughtcriminal(TM). I just had a thought realized that thinking violates the principle of Doublethink(TM)!!!! Singlethink is lesser than Doublethink!! :0

Kulak wrote:Let Social Justice roll down from the Inner Party like a mighty river.

Actually, when the Party(TM) is in control, social justice Trickles Down(TM), but of course we cannot say this in front of the proles, because then we would be violating Newspeak again...

I love how our glorious philosophy is built on a series of contradictionsparadoxes.

This past Saturday I was spying on a group "ministering to the homeless" by cleverly posing as one of their own. I knew this group was up to no good because it makes no sense to give something to someone unless it somehow increases your power over them or procures votes.

Anyway, I overheard a homeless man say that he was homeless because: "I been doin wrong, man. Always smokin dope!"

Willard Kookish? Is that you? Had the brain matter responsible for my sense of humor not been long emaciated by years of Political Correctness and removed by frequent Jiffi-Lobos I might have laughed ([prog off] I very nearly did laugh, which would have been utterly inappropriate. Thank God for coughing. [prog on]). No doubt this Kookish fellow has been infecting other homeless people with his lies.

I chastised the man, as shown below.

Comrades, I have solved the problem of Newspeak, Doublethink and singlethink. The solution is Zerothink, or O-think, or even, in some circles, Obathink.

The cockroach has a tiny brain, like any good Progressive. The cockroach also has nerves in its legs which tell the roach to run without any interaction from the brain whatsoever.

After enough trips to Jiffi-Lobo I have such centers myself. All I have to do is hear "Rush Limbaugh" and I start spitting and cursing. It doesn't even have to go through the brain, what's left of it; it goes directly from the ears to the jaw. That's why it's Zerothink.

It is also Obathink because whenever I see a vision of the Blessed O I instantly fall on my knees and drool in adoration. I've grown extra nerves going from my eyes directly to my knees and my salivary glands. I had to, since Dr. Lecter managed to use that MotoTool enough during my excursions to Jiffi-Lobo that I keep a six-pack of Tree Frog 100% Organic Beer in my head where my brain used to be.

Kulak, at your current rate of groveling I'm quite sure that you'll go far and soon be able to roll in lots and lots of OPM.

I see a new revision needs to be made to The Rules of Newspeak!

As Kommissarka of Secret Spelling and Grammar Organs (per Red Square's recent promotion of yours truly) I will have my team of Newspeak experts crank out a new edition immediately! Finally, I can get up and tell others to do some work!

We should also add a footnote saying that Olberthink = Obathink.

It is disgusting how our now departed arch thought criminal, George Orwell, realized that many in the proto-Proletariat (middle), Kulak and Proletariat Classes could be duped by the Inner Party without even resorting to the use of conscious Doublethink on their part. Party Newspeak by its self is often sufficient when dealing with the inferior minds of what amounts to lower classes of animals, because their minds will readily accept lies without bothering to correlate lies with truth.

“The worldview of the Party imposed its self most successfully on people incapable of understanding it. They could be made to accept the most flagrant violations of reality because they never fully grasped the enormity of what was demanded of them, and were not sufficiently interested in public events to notice what was happening. By lack of understanding they remained sane. They simply swallowed everything, and what they swallowed did them no harm because it left no residue behind; just as a grain of corn will pass undigested through the body of a bird.” George Orwell, 1984

On the other hand, the more intelligent among the less equal classes must accept Newspeak with a conscious exercise of Doublethink. Yes, after ceasing to love God; substituting love of The Party (or The One), the more intellegent; by using Doublethink, will allow the extremely equal Inner Party to lie with near impunity; thereby becoming their Priests of Power.

“Those who have the best knowledge of what is happening are also those who are furthest from seeing the world as it is; in general the greater the understanding the greater the delusion; the more intelligent the less sane… If human equality is to be forever averted; if the "high," as we have called them, are to keep their places permanently; then the prevailing mental condition must be controlled insanity.” George Orwell, 1984

I have another confession to make. I find myself loving God over and over again, and I keep feeling hatred for The Party, The One and the Priests of Power. At the same time I keep having feelings of love for the proto-Proletarians (middle class), Proletarians and Kulaks. I keep having thoughts and feelings whereby those individuals could be seen as having equality before law (along with the Priests of Power in the Inner Party) and sacred unalienable rights to life, liberty and private property – pursuit of happiness.

Forgive me almighty State. I need more re-education. More importantly, I need my feelings re-adjusted. Is it not possible for the Priests of Power in the Inner Party to provide me with the needed psychoanalysis, psychotherapy; and, if necessary, the needed psychopharmacology? Surely though; there is no need for room 101.

I am at your mercy.

Ah, kulak, all is not lost if you understand your insanity. (Now as for me, I'm successfully paranoid because I never know if I had to be.)

Since you understand your insanity, you know that you are on a slippery slip to <i>criminal insanity</i>. Criminally Insane Vodkof has staked out that territory pretty well, but there's always room for more.

I would suggest, as I always do, a goodish time at Jiffi-Lobo. Works a treat for me. Then we can have you checked into the Felix Dzerzhinsky Psychiatric Hospital, where you will be treated for sluggish schizophrenia. Do not let the fact that it doesn't exist bother you; I for one am not bothered by the nonexistence of integrity in the White House. In fact I embrace it, as you should embrace sluggish schizophrenia.

Own the disease. Make the disease yours. Then you can tour AmeriKKKa talking about how you were cured of your bourgeois habits and bang the drum for Obamacare.

Olga, there is slight difference between Olberthink and Obathink. Obathink is nurtured by His Exalted Highness, Barack Hubris Obama, and was created when he was editor of a law review and yet didn't have a single article appear in any law journal under his name. Then he was hired by Madeline Talbot at ACORN in Chicago, where the glorious ACORN members threatened bankers' wives and children into making bad loans. Obamathink is listening to Jeremiah Wright say, "God DAMN America" and not hear anything wrong with it.

Olberthink is the thinking of a man who majored in communications in an agricultural college, and wrote his thesis about his experiences learning the language of cows.

Which he uses to this day on his television show.

Commissar Theocritus, and other Comrades of greater and lesser equality:

Having confessed fully and groveled in the most lowly manner, would it be possible for me to gain State absolution by saying 50 "Hail States," plus 100 "Hail the Partys," and 200 "Hail The Ones?" I am also prepared to construct something tantamount to a Rosary; containing small multi-colored beads; the largest for our Dear Leader, and with many more representing Holy Gore, Pelosi, Reid, Axelrod, Emanuel, Murtha, and the remaining Inner Party Priests of Power.

Will this do? Have I groveled sufficiently? Am I absolved by the Inner Party?

Dammit, Kulak, I will NOT be out guilted! I've been scraping and bowing for about a month now (which is more or less the extent of my memory) and I will NOT rest until I'm the top Sniveling Sycophant (SS) of The Party!!

I'm WAY guiltier! I recommend Animal Farm to my friends! I think freedom of speech is worth dying for! I want a strong Israel and a free Tibet! I laughed at Drew Carey, and not in a scornful way! I think G.K. Chesterton and C.S. Lewis were some of the most perceptive men who ever lived! Al Gore bores me! Ayn Rand inspires me! I think political correctness is demeaning! I'M DESCENDED FROM OKLAHOMANS!!!

O Commissar Theocritus, He Who Shows His Love with a Warm Pike, The Bulwark of Party Policy,
He Who Makes Aristotle Look Like Ashton Kutcher, I ask not for forgiveness, I ask for a harsher punishment than Kulak so that I may later frighten infidels with my scars! I DESERVE RECOGNITION!! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!

Commissar Theocritus,
Thank the Holy Party and the Holy State! I shall immediately embrace my State-derived schizophrenia. I shall renew my eternal commitment to the lies of Newspeak and the acceptance of lies inherent in Doublethink. I shall say my list of absolutions and construct my State Rosary representing the Inner Party Priests of Power.

This amazing grace of the Inner Party and the Infallible State leaves me speechless - and on my knees.

Pay no attention to Pasternak; he is a less equal Kulak.

Pasternak, my suggestion is that you be truly partitioned. We shall at your next Jiffi Lobo sever your corpus callosum. This will insure that the left part of your brain is not impugned by disloyal thoughts from the right part of your brain and vice versa. Left-handed people have a larger corpus callosum, having to do I suspect with adapting to a dexterous world. But with a severed corpus callosum, you will not have that problem. After all, how much dexterity do you need to handle a shovel?

I find myself now in the throes of feeling superior. Well, I am of course; I'm a made progressive which is superior to all forms of life, save and except Lord Barack Hubris Obama. My sin is just showing it. It's time for me to go onto Keith Olbermann and talk with the divinely greasy Janeane Gawdawfulo about how anything anyone says about me that I don't agree with is racism. Or sexism. Or homophobia, and say that I'm only doing it as a loyal party apparatchik.

Both of you can best better your positions, however, by demonstrating your willingness to get behind Nanski's Reach-Around Economics.

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