Despite vociferous claims that torture never works, Arizona senator John McCain helped to pass Bush's new Torture Bill that will allow the CIA to continue violating the Geneva conventions by torturing innocent political prisoners who happen to be Muslims. What did the Bush administration do to break John McCain that a North Vietnamese prison camp couldn't do?

A recent leak from the White House establishes beyond doubt that the supposed change of heart came after one of the closed door sessions, at which George W. Bush and Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist subdued the maverick senator with a headlock, tied him to a chair, and violated his humanity by subjecting him to cruel and degrading treatment with loud Eminem music, sleep deprivation, hypothermia, and waterboarding.

Resorting to these and other most sinister Skull & Bones initiation techniques known to mankind, the Neocons forced Senator McCain to capitulate and agree to broaden the definitions of "unlawful enemy combatant" and "material support" to include librarians who released copies of "Vagina Monologues" to al-Qaeda members, Starbucks employees who served them nonfat Latte Grande, and any person who has ever thrown a quarter to a Taliban foot soldier, having mistaken him for a homeless person.

Experts predict that these nefarious measures may increase the prison population at Guantanamo Bay to over a hundred million people, which would include absolutely everyone who had ever, wittingly or unwittingly, provided aid and comfort to America's enemies at home and abroad, from Wal-Mart greeters, McDonalds drive-thru operators, Econolodge clerks, phone-sex workers, customer service and technical support representatives, Girl Scouts cookie distributors, to Catherine Zeta Jones who helped terrorists to choose T-Mobile for their wireless needs.

At a press conference following the vote, Senator McCain was asked to explain his surrender on the torture issue, one on which he has been as passionate in the past as Lindsey Graham was on secret evidence.

"I was going to push the Al-Qaeda Bill of Rights instead," McCain replied in a monotonous, robotic voice, bobbing his head back and forth. "But I have learned something important in the last few days. Torture works."

(Special reporting by Mr. Snuggle Bunny & Red Square)

Comrades - Help!
The forces of the great satan -Bushroveler- have captured me again
and forced to wear Catherine Z.J.'s perfumed underwear on my head and over my face!!!
Oooooh the humiliation and that feminine aroma!!!
I will never be able to show my face again before the brotherhoods.
Mobilize our comrades in the American Communists Lawyers Union, the DNC, the WaPo, SeeBS, New Duranty Times, Cindee - anybody who can save me.
Help me! Help meeeee!

The next thing that they will be doing is bringing in strippers to "demoralize" their spirits, but make something else grow at the same time. Some of the stories that will be coming out of there will have masochists begging for more.

He tried to pass a note to Jihad Jane asking for help but she gave it right to Commandant Rove.
This of course has been de-bunked by Snopes:

https://www.snopes.com/military/fonda.asp

Laika, I went to that snopes website and they've got these nice Jihad Jane urinal stickers there:


But I just can't get them to stick in the toilets in the girls' rooms. It's kind of yecky trying to glue them under water too. I wonder if there's some kind of good glue for that?

Margaret wrote:But I just can't get them to stick in the toilets in the girls' rooms. Its' kind of yecky trying to glue them under water too. I wonder if there's some kind of good glue for that?

We're glad you asked. The Party's favorite glue is, of course, Guerilla Glue!


Recommended for all your "cutting and gluing" needs.

Grandma: I will never, ever again give milk and cookies to the Taliban. Can you let me off Gitmo now? Waterboarding is f*g killing me!

Iz Dis Grate woh-man Peas low-vink pal-ee-Stin-ion. vere iz Geet -Moh neer Zee Grate JoN KeeRRi Home!!!Red Square Iz zis grate Gore- illa Gluh Ape- roved Bi BeHTTy ant vere iz zis gluh maid ant vhat iz eet maid froome???

I am Premier Betty, and I approve this message.

Guerilla glue is party-approved in every possible way. As to how it's made, you should know because you're the ones making it!

I managed to get my fingers stuck to large sums of soft money while using Guerilla Glue™. Is there any solvent that can fix this very embarassing situation or do I have to call Her Excellencies campaign staff to rip the cash off my flesh.....


::Apology to the Collective::

The above stated comment is nothing more than venomous lies made by $.$ Halliburton. I, Chairman Meow S. Pun, an active and orthodox Party member in good standing never made those comments and was temporarily intoxicated and on large amounts of sleeping pills when the statement was made. I immediately ask for the resignation of $.$ Halliburton and other leading Republicans who forced me to make that statement. I also want to take the time to denounce a number of my fellow Virginians who put the large quantities of soft money in my dwelling where I was forced to roll around in it while laughing, I was also forced to repeat this phrase over and over again by my captors "hot damn, look at all this green, those SOB's ain't got sh*t on us in 08'", I will now check myself into re-hab as a token of goodwill and can only hope the Party avenges this heinous crime committed against me and the collective.

Sincerely and with deep regret,

Meow S. Pun

Party Chairman of the Peoples Commonwealth of Virginia.

*GASP! * What were you doing with money? Don't you know that it is forbidden for anyone in the Politburo to admit to actually handling money? We will have to cover this up as quickly as possible. You never made that post, and this conversation never took place. Please report to party headquarters for a discussion on proper party etiquette and a lecture on when to admit to the handling of "money".

That is worse than q***r baiting young boys on line!!! and look at THAT sh*t hit the f*n!!

There, I stated an apology, let the Amerikan idiots mull over that one. Maybe I'll get a book deal out of this and some air time on Oprah. Lenin knows the media wont report on this scandal, BECAUSE IM A DEMOKRAT!!

Deer-ist CHer-Man ,
I haf Bene tolt zat zee bohks car ryhde to zee gool-ag iz vehhry nise zis tihm ovf yeer....Zee garts lihke tewe wotkh Ohhpp-Rah ...Behhty wee Fount hole bohs cahr ovf shue-Vels ant peeks froome grate wore ...kases ovf hart Tak weer steel goot so vee haf pleenty to eet...eef Karl marx treet- Mint cinter iz fool zen pleez axe Ret Sqware to cend peepuls to make zee gluh ant deeg ...vee hav knot ceen Veel-age ee-dee-it in weaks cense gluh wus furst mate....I sot I heert won ovf zee garts zay he tri to pas note tewe Laika ...

My dearest friend General Ivan (Ret.):

I am sorry your still in the gulag, I will try to ask for a favor and send some of your loved ones there to keep you company, its the least I can do for such a man who has given his life to the great patriotic struggle of socialist construction. I am also happy your English is improving, you are a testament to the greatness of the Amerikan Publik Educashional system, marvelous, just marvelous. As for my situation dear General, it never happened. I dont know what you are talking about, just smile and nod your head in blind obedience. But on a lighter note, I will see if I can have your mud and grass ration bumped up to one full cup as opposed to the half a cup you are currently accustomed to. Now if you will excuse me, I have a private jet to catch. I must be at Party HQ at five o' clock sharp to recieve my slap on the wrist while the good Premier and other Party faithful handle the cover up. Damn it feels good to be a Demokrat.

Cheers,

Chairman Meow S. Pun of the Peoples Commonwealth of Virginia

I am also happy your English is improving, you are a testament to the greatness of the Amerikan Publik Educashional system, marvelous, just marvelous.

What? Since when do the publik edukational systems teach ENGLISH? I thought they only taught foreign language, and bullshit philosophy literature. Never have I learned English in skool.

They dont Comrade Premier, I know that, you know that and the masses know that. What is important is just to nod in collective agreement that our Edukashional system is lagging behind because of Repulbicans and needs more tax-payer dollars to fix the problems...



($.$ Hal, what the hell are you doing?!! You know how many proles read these forums... They said the next time I mention the "scam" they will send my staff to Uncle Teddy's for a Friday night drive and break my legs, and now I got you posting thank you notes! THANK YOU NOTES DAMMIT!! Ok, deep breaths Meow, its fine, its fine... Democratic majority, taxes, purges, revolution, ok I'm better now, I'm better, whew... ok, send the check to my residence in Palm Beach, my secretary will give you the address....)
-- Meow

Life imitates the People's Cube:

Clinton vs. McCain, Early Edition
October 14, 2006

This line, from Maureen Dowd's column today , drew an outraged response from McCain's side:

Privately, Hillary's camp was not overly upset by the McCain swipe because it suspected he was doing the bidding of the White House and that he ended up, as one adviser put it, “looking similar to the way he did on those captive tapes from Hanoi, where he recited the names of his crew mates.”

Either this is a slip, or it's a signal from Clinton-land that the "McCain is crazy" whisper campaign -- which worked quite well for Bush in 2000 -- is being revived. Or both.

Asked about the line, McCain advisor John Weaver responded:

"I never expected the Clintons or their allies to know much about Vietnam. But [it] is disappointing to see one of her spokespeople purposefully lie about John's war record and time in a Hanoi prison camp. There was no such tape recording; though he did once give up the starting lineup of the Green Bay Packers while under extreme duress. Senator Clinton's spokesperson does a disservice to all who were there and served so bravely and honorably."