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North Korea Leaps At Food Shortage Solution

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In a move designed to address the growing food shortages that threaten its starving populace, North Korea today announced the development of a captive breeding program for Giant Carnivorous Rabbits. Imported from a breeder in the former East Germany, the rabbits were initially thought to be a source of food for struggling North Koreans.

But in a stunning turnabout it was revealed that given the gigantic rodents' voracious appetites and the large amount of food required for them to breed effectively, North Koreans would instead be fed to the rabbits, thereby providing the breeding stock with a ready source of food, while at the same time reducing the number of starving North Koreans.

"Pyongyang is hoping imports of monster rabbits from Germany could help solve its continuing food crisis," a party spokesperson equivocated.

In October, a North Korean diplomat driving an armor-plated Mercedes limousine appeared at the farm of pensioner Karl Szmolinksy, who has been breeding the mammoth rabbits for more than 47 years, reports Der Spiegel. The North Korean wanted to know whether he would be willing to sell some of his bunnies, a breed known as the German grey giant, to set up a breeding program in the secretive Stalinist state.Herr Szmolinsky usually finds buyers closer to home for the 60 to 80 rabbits he breeds each year, but as a resident of a former communist state he was keen to help alleviate hunger in North Korea.
Breeding giant rabbits is a dirty job but someone has to do itImageThe 12 bunnies he sent can produce 60 babies a year - if the North Koreans find enough food to feed them properly.

He agreed to sell eight females and four males at a discount, with the $1,440.00 price tag funded by a 30 year loan from the IMF.

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Bono and Sir Bob Geldof have reportedly begun exerting pressure on member nations to forgive North Korea's mounting rabbit-related debt, as the financially insolvent nation cannot possibly maintain the daily interest costs of $.53.

Undeterred by the heady weight of global finance, Herr Szmolinksky is preparing for a trip to North Korea to advise them on how to set up a breeding farm.

"The rabbits will be used to help feed the population," he says proudly. "One rabbit provides a filling meal for eight people. There are a variety of recipes, such as rabbit roulade."

A spokesperson for the North Korean Embassy in Berlin refused to confirm or deny whether Herr Szmolinsky's apparently misguided assumptions concerning who would be eating whom were his own, or a result of misrepresentation by a North Korean agricultural attaché traveling in a high-end armor-plated limo.

Herr Szmolinsky also received inquiries from potential Chinese buyers. Dogs everywhere are heaving a collective sigh of relief, while Poodle farmers world-wide are scrabbling to address the need for new tariff and trade regulations to protect their pet food/food pet industry.

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UPDATE:


Kim Jong Il ate my rabbits for his birthday

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That sounds like a horror movie, "Revenge of the Bunny Rabbits" "We're not on top of the food chain anymore!"

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Why didn't we think of this first!? Damn that Kim Jong Il, damn him all to Detroit!

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Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:Why didn't we think of this first!? Damn that Kim Jong Il, damn him all to Detroit!
Some of us did... but for some reason no one took us seriously... Not to worry. I have been working on strains of carnivorous beets and cabbages... Borscht Anyone?

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Ooh! Ooh! Attack of the Killer Tomatoes in real life! YAY!

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Premier Betty wrote:Ooh! Ooh! Attack of the Killer Tomatoes in real life! YAY!
All for you, Betsky...
I know you must be concerned about the threat to Poodle Farms and your livelihood... and vegetables are so much easier to peel...

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<gasp> YOU CAN'T PEEL VEGETABLES, THEY HAVE FEELINGS TOO! How would you like to be "peeled" or "eaten" or "cooked"!?!? It is the duty of the Demokratic Party to ensure that EVERYONE/EVERYTHING is guaranteed free money, a lifestyle of debaucheries and the pursuit of guilt which is clearly outlined in the U.S Constitution (and whatever scrap of paper you have in Kanadastan that can be re-interpreted and twisted to conform to today's moral truth).

LIBERATE THE VEGETABLES, NOW! PROACTIVE SPORKS AND SPOONS!

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Bah! I bark at those Hunny Bunnys. Leave them to me. I am an expert at shedding hares. I and my teammates will purge the scourge of huge carniverous rabbits by devouring their fascist entities. When the Motherland is threatened, it's time to eat Tutonic touchases.

All Protein to the Pack! Pull together for Victory!

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Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:<gasp> YOU CAN'T PEEL VEGETABLES, THEY HAVE FEELINGS TOO! How would you like to be "peeled" or "eaten" or "cooked"!?!?
Deep breaths Meow - in... hooooold it... and out... no? A little drink then?... I'm pretty sure I have been peeled, eaten and cooked, though not necessarily in that order... I simply meant we invite them in, take off their little ushankas and rag-wrapped tootsies and warm them up a little in... ahem... I mean by the fire...
Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:It is the duty of the Demokratic Party to ensure that EVERYONE/EVERYTHING is guaranteed free money, a lifestyle of debaucheries and the pursuit of guilt which is clearly outlined in the U.S Constitution (and whatever scrap of paper you have in Kanadastan that can be re-interpreted and twisted to conform to today's moral truth).
"Free Money"... now, is that in the People's Glossary? As for pursuit of guilt via constitution (we have one in Kanadistan), I have no need to turn to the motherland for that, as I am of Jewish descent (though it says Khazar on my papers)...
Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:LIBERATE THE VEGETABLES, NOW! PROACTIVE SPORKS AND SPOONS!
Way ahead of you. In fact, have just returned to Bunker 2, having been chased from local Pyatyorochka for liberating a number of things, including vegetables (though perhaps more importantly butter, soap, coffee and toilet paper)... After all... it's not like they own their inventory, as that would be an infringement on my right to be taken care of by the state, and all privately owned businesses...

Natasha Sibirskya wrote:Bah! I bark at those Hunny Bunnys. Leave them to me. I am an expert at shedding hares. I and my teammates will purge the scourge of huge carniverous rabbits by devouring their fascist entities. When the Motherland is threatened, it's time to eat Tutonic touchases.
All Protein to the Pack! Pull together for Victory!

Yo Bitch! Don't I know you? You remind me of a sistah from several litters ago...
Awooooooo!
S.M.O.

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sistah says
Dogs everywhere are heaving a collective sigh of relief, while Poodle farmers world-wide are scrabbling to address the need for new tariff and trade regulations to protect their pet food/food pet industry.

do they taste like chicken?

Can we assume that the food procured from these giant rabbits will first go to feed the glorious North Korean Peoples' Army, just like grains? The Army needs to get all food before the people, in order to hold off the imperialist American soldiers in South Korea.

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Branish wrote:Can we assume that the food procured from these giant rabbits will first go to feed the glorious North Korean Peoples' Army, just like grains? The Army needs to get all food before the people, in order to hold off the imperialist American soldiers in South Korea.
I think you mean, will food procured FOR ginormous bunnies first go to feed the the glorious North Korean Peoples' Army... In other words, will starving North Koreans be fed to the North Korean army... I put it to you that they already are, and to some of their fellow citizens as well... Starving North Koreans - The New White Meat.

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OK, who do I have to talk/bribe/coerce/denounce to get a crate of North Koreans for supper? I like trying something new, and this latest culinary delicacy sounds progressive to me (I must try it!).

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Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:OK, who do I have to talk/bribe/coerce/denounce to get a crate of North Koreans for supper? I like trying something new, and this latest culinary delicacy sounds progressive to me (I must try it!).
I suggest you try bribing another crate of North Koreans... eventually one of the crates will turn on the others... they always do...

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Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:OK, who do I have to talk/bribe/coerce/denounce to get a crate of North Koreans for supper? I like trying something new, and this latest culinary delicacy sounds progressive to me (I must try it!).
Comrade Chairman.

You don't need to bribe or coerce anyone. Comrade Kimmy is a reasonable person. I see two ways in which you can secure for yourself some delicious North Koreans.

First, propose to Comrade Kimmy that you are going to set up 'traps' along the northern border of the DMZ. The reason for these traps of course is to capture hated dissidents who are trying to flee....er, scratch that. Rephrase. The reason you are setting up these traps is to catch hated spies from the South that are trying to get back to the ROK to report to their imperialist Amerikkkan masters. Once caught you will gladly take them to your own private re-education centers, thus relieving the Glorious DPRK of the burden of imprisoning and executing them.

Secondly, there is a city in the DPRK in which no one lives. This city is supposed to be the model of life for people in the DPRK, it is called 'Freedom Village' if I am not mistaken. The buildings are nice and well kept, the city is clean, everything is shiny and new. Simply 'rent' the city from Comrade Kimmy and open it to immigration for citizen of the DPRK. They will come to you Comrade!!

But if you don't like kimchi, Comrade, I strongly advise you to steer clear of this delicacy. From my two years of experience living on the ROK, they will definitely have a kimchi taste to them. Visualize a watermelon soaked in vodka....leave it in there long enough, and you have a watermelon that has a hint of a vodka taste.

O'Brien

WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH

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Lest we forget, comrades, this problem was addressed centuries ago by a man of less indulgence than anyone living today, with the possible exception of Our Many Titted Empress. Jonathan Swift had a humanitarian proposal to <a href="https://art-bin.com/art/omodest.html">feed people</a> which today seems more and more enlightened.

We could follow his example.

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Commissar Theocritus wrote:Lest we forget, comrades, this problem was addressed centuries ago by a man of less indulgence than anyone living today, with the possible exception of Our Many Titted Empress. Jonathan Swift had a humanitarian proposal to <a href="https://art-bin.com/art/omodest.html">feed people</a> which today seems more and more enlightened.
We could follow his example.
To quote Morticia Addams... "Oh No Margaret (not our Margaret)... Too young!" However, we in the wilds of Canadistan have come up with a technique for attracting food stock during our harsh winters... we put the heads of our enemies on poles around the perimeter of the compound wherein we have our bunkers and what is, in summer, our vegetable garden and homegrown patch... they attract wild game and Amnesty International inspectors, both of which are good eatin' (we don't eat the heads - we already have enough problems with Mad Cow disease)... We have recently discovered that the heads also attract Sir Paul McCartney and certain members of PETA. However, we only use them to strew about the forest neighbouring the compound, as they tend to be stringy and lacking in both nutrition and substance. I would not even feed them to the sled team as they require high quality protein and fat. We find that by feeding the local wildlife, even with parts of PETA members... PETA dis-members if you will... it keeps them from attempting to cull our herd of wild goats and sheep to meet their own food requirements during the harsh winter. It is something, no, to think that wild hares and rabbits are more tender and have more fat than an ex-Beatle?... So, we have found an excellent and environmentally sound way to both meet our nutritional needs and give back to the Commune at large.

In any case, Amnesty International inspectors are very tasty... only very slightly gamey and surprisingly sweet... can be used in stews or if aged properly (bunker 7 houses the meat lockers and walk-in freezer), make very nice steaks for grilling or ribs which can be smoked. And of course we waste nothing, and have a very good recipe for spicy sausages from which we make Paella... a favourite of the dolphins.

Bon Appetite!
S.M.O.

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SMO, a favorite of the dolphins? I make a wonderful paella <i>out of</i> dolphins, and have given instructions to my personal prole to get no tuna which does not have its own share of dolphin.

Sir Paul's stringiness and leanness may come from having only consumed one leg of Heather Mills.

Here in the wilds of West Texas wo do not have Canadistans, of course, but there is a decided presence of the Society for the Protection of Coyote Turds and Stink Weed. No matter the manner of saucing, they are utterly inedible, and one time, searching for a use to make of them, for planting them in the back 1280 was killing the greasewood and driving the rattlesnakes into neighboring counties, I made a pot au feu for taking out the neighbors' yappy c**t dog, which despite its small size, laid gifts in my yard large enough to show up on the navigation DVD of my Acura, and amazon.com started selling a line of antware oxygen masks for those six-legged insects stupid enough to try to climb the Everest of Doggie Shit.

The dog died a death so gruesome that I wish I had been more merciful and relied on the staple of ground glass in a biscuit.

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Sir,
I realize you have not been privy to the nature of my relationship with the dolphin horde for long, so I will let that remark pass. Please know that the compound is home to a pod of navy-trained dolphins who escaped their enclosure during Katrina. They are well versed in the use of most weapons and are extraordinarily dexterous given their lack of opposing digits. Prosthetics do help. We no longer eat tuna - either the dolphins or myself, as the mercury content is simply too high. While I was away in the last year the pod has been practising maneouvers for the greater good of the Party and will be putting on a aquatic May Day parade of sorts.

Re: the use of "Bulgarian Dog Biscuits" to rid yourself of unwanted canine spies and saboteurs - could you not simply have sedated it? Indeed, even convicted PRC criminals can expect a bullet to the head rather than a slow death by internal bleeding. Thank you also for clarifying what that mysterious landmark in your yard that has been appearing on our aerial photographs is. We had a pool going, and now I can call off the Bay of Pigs style invasion as we know it isn't a scud launcher and further readings have indicated that no fissile material is present.

Every Shovel Counts
S.M.O.

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UPDATE:

Kim Jong Il ate my rabbits for his birthday

- https://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/ ... 615350.ece

Karl Szmolinsky sold the rabbits to Pyongyang so that they could be used to set up a breeding programme to boost meat production in the Hermit Kingdom.

However, amid concerns that they have been eaten by the country's leaders, Mr Szmolinsky will not be sending any more.

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Yes... but his rabbits managed to devour many starving North Koreans before they themselves were eaten, so all was not a total failure...

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My goodness! Who could've guessed it would turn out this way?

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Who indeed Margaret... Who indeed?...

Howevever, somehow I suspect we have not heard the last of this...

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If Kim Jong Il ate a panda it would be cannabalism. But we have to watch these Uber-commies. Mao's private doctor said that he tried for immortality by sleeping with a thousand virgins, and that to keep his virility, he never washed his private parts.

I expect that the virgins, after that, might have become dykes. I know I would.

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&%^#@ !!!!! I not give permission to Peopres Demokratik Repubric of Korea News Agency to rerease this for distribution to ferrow-traverer Mainstream Media!! This project was a State Secret(tm). Dammit, I gotta do everything myserf around here!

And as for you Kommissar Theocritus, I not into cannabarism! That a giant lie of Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy(tm) broggers. Only thing I do with Giant Panda Bear is try to crossbreed it with Giant Rabbit but the resulting offspring was an abomination, a Giant Piece Of Shit(tm) that hopped around and smashed all the bamboo shoots flat. So I fed Panda Bear, Rabbit and offspring into Peoples Woodchipper(tm). Probrem sorved.

KJI

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Dear Leader, I am so sorry. I didn't know that you were rurking here.

Terr me. What do you with your hah? How do you make it stand up rike dat? And dose grasses. Dey frame your face to beautifurry.

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His hair is the result of North Korea's attempts to harness electricity. They still haven't mastered it yet, and it shows.

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As for grasses, I used to watch American cartoon shows as a Young Pioneer(tm) so that I could rearn how to hate my Capitarist Enemies(tm). My favorite show was Atom Ant. His big grasses were the size of a windshield on a Peoples Transist System bus.

And you, Premier Betty, now that I have checked myself out of the Peopres Reraxation Center for poriticar updating, I can deal with you. The DPRK is werr-versed in harnessing erectricity. Onry reason our power grid has constant brownouts is from Shock Torture, er I mean Thought Fine-Tuning(tm), at our Peopres Reeducation Kamps. Our Mentar Hygiene Porice are the best in the world, second to none. Yes yes!

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Here another brirriant idea I get to sorve DPRK's famine probrem.

Hot dogs for The Masses(tm)

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(real, Honest-To-Stalin hot dogs, fresh from DDR)

A hotdog just right for watching a basebarr game. Evabody, sing arong with me!

"....take me out to the barr game,
take me out to the crowd,
beer and peanuts and Cracker Jack,
I ate so much Soyrent Green(tm) I never go back,
so it's 1-2-3 and you dead at the ord barr game!"

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Dear Leader, while I am the last one to suggest that you not eat a dog, please to know that Progressives here in AmeriKKKa would be mightily offended by that.

Now is that were a new-born baby held by a woman with a sign, "A woman has a right to control her own body," they'd fight shoulder to shoulder with you.


 
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