In another distraction meant to keep American voters away from the real issues, Fox News channel announced today that the GOP is in possession of a birth certificate proving beyond doubt that Barack Obama's real birthplace is, in fact, planet Lappa IV, located in the Alpha Quadrant and inhabited by a splinter group of the Ferengi species, who have developed a highly collectivist culture based on the principles of socialist acquisition and redistribution of wealth.
According to conservative commentators, the Democrat presidential hopeful's home planet is governed by the Central Planning Committee made primarily of the State Board of Expropriators and Liquidators, who offer prayers and sacrificial offerings to a Blessed Taxperson in hopes of entering the Divine Pork Barrel upon death, and fear an afterlife spent in a Subsidized Housing For the Common Good they legislated and financed with public money.
This explains Barack Obama campaign's earlier secrecy over his birth site, especially if we consider the outdated constitutional requirement that presidents must be "natural-born" U.S. citizens.
Looking back, one can only wonder at the mainstream media's unblinking acceptance of Obama as a 100% Earthling, despite even such obvious clues as his big earlobes, a supernatural fundraising ability, and his campaign logo that resembles the emblem of the Ferengi Alliance.
Other early warning signs included Obama's ties to such known Ferengis as Rezko and Khalidi, his clearly alien speech patterns and intonation, as well as his extraterrestrial campaign slogans referencing some mysterious "hope and change" and "yes we can," which is the official motto of the State Board of Expropriators and Liquidators in Obama's homeworld. But perhaps the biggest giveaway was a glaring lack of understanding of human customs and values by both Barack Obama and his Klingon wife Michelle.
James Carville: "Don't let the rumor about Obama being a space alien distract earthlings from the real issues, such as, how to accumulate all power in the hands of the Democrats."
The news poses a major challenge to John McCain, who, according to his aid, refuses to listen, let alone react to the fact that Obama is a creature from another planet. "Senator McCain has pledged to wage a clean and positive presidential campaign, and any reference to his opponent as a space alien will look as if he is breaking that promise," the aid said. "We've been walking on eggshells like a bunch of neurotics before, and now we also have to avoid mentioning space aliens? What do I care if some nutcase from Obama's homeworld calls McCain a native speciist? I'm this close to quitting, and so are half of the people I know in McCain's staff."
A DNC spokesperson welcomed the news today, saying that anyone from a planet governed by the Rules of Socialist Acquisition is better than a Republican candidate, and that this minor anecdote shouldn't distract the voters from the real issues. Stroking his oversized earlobe, the DNC spokesperson expressed his belief that Barack Obama's ascension as a leader of Earth will bring a real change to the overly individualistic planet, improve the Earth's reputation in the Galaxy, and increase the planet's chances of joining the Ferengi Alliance.
The Lappian Rules of Socialist Acquisition are similar to the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition, but are more focused on sacred collectivist rules of behavior, which, combined with the entrepreneurial spirit of the Ferengi species, uniquely qualifies them to handle Democrat Party fundraisers.
Although the history of Lappian presence on Earth is unclear, it is known that Lappian children are required to memorize Rules of Socialist Acquisition as part of their general education to become consummate Democrat Party operatives, strategists, and consultants. It is said that the earliest Rule of Socialist Acquisition was penned by Karl Marx, who was also a Ferengi from Lappa IV.
The Rules of Socialist Acquisition
(a representative sample)
- To each according to his ability to work the system.
- Compassion without coercion is useless.
- Never ask when you can use the government to take.
- The vast majority of the rich in this galaxy are undertaxed.
- All we want is what's yours.
- Monopoly is evil unless the government runs it.
- Class envy makes a good running mate.
- If a government program fails, repeat.
- Every rake deserves to be stepped on twice.
- It is critical that the expected "returns" on any "investment" are never defined.
- Never feed the hungry on an empty stomach.
- Always know who you're buying.
- Exclusive knowledge is power.
- Never be afraid to mislabel an opponent.
- Be clean, articulate, and non-threatening.
- When in doubt, throw a friend under the bus.
- Never allow others' self-interest to stand in the way of your common good.
- A liberal without guilt is no liberal at all.
- When someone says, "I'm not a racist," he's lying.
- A dead vote is just as good as a live one.
- A good vote is worth casting twice.
- Actual progress is not guaranteed.
- Small print is the best invention since snake oil.
- Entitlements and handouts will always overcome freedom and opportunity.
- Integrity is no substitute for campaign cash.
- A friend in need is a potential donor and land deal partner.
- Never confuse powerful financial backers with luck.
- Make sure your campaign cash doesn't cost you more than it is really worth.
- Beware of relatives giving speeches.
- There's nothing more dangerous than an honest consultant.
- The most beautiful thing about the environment is that you can turn it into an election issue.
- Citing Global Warming yields more cash than pointing a gun.
- Always trust a person wearing a suit better than your own.
- Moral choice is a complex personal issue that is better defined by focus groups.
- Morality has limits. Moral relativism has none.
- Never make fun of a Democrat candidate's family. Insult something he cares about instead.
- Be careful what you legislate. It may do exactly what Rush Limbaugh says it would.
- Compromise means the absence of opposition to Democrats.
- War is good for political activism.
- People could afford housing and healthcare without the government - if it weren't for the government.
- Talk is cheap. Heap it generously on the public.
- There isn't a gaffe by a Democrat politician that the media won't overlook.
- Never argue with a loaded Kennedy.
- Labor camps are full of people who opposed someone's beautiful dream.
- Entitlement is the easiest way to enslave a population.
- Democracy has limits. Dictatorship has none.
- Saying stupid things is often smart.
- Never cross Michelle Obama.
- Never let the electorate know what you're thinking.
- Never admit anything that can't be later blamed on Republicans.
- Only the Democrats could screw up New Orleans so badly and keep getting elected.
- Knowledge is bliss, ignorance is power.
- Give someone a fish, you feed him for one day. Teach him how to fish, and you lose a Democrat voter.
- Pursue social justice; money and power will come later.
- All voters are suckers.
- Every once in a while offer a compromise; it confuses the hell out of Republicans.
- There is no substitute for an unnecessary government program.
- Never do something that the government can do for you.
- Never spend your own money when you can spend the government's.
- Money taken as profit is immoral; money taken by government is the highest form of Lightworking.
- If it can get you elected, say it!
- Only fools say what they believe.
- Faith moves mountains of "Obama" memorabilia.
- Poverty is no crime. Better yet, it's an excellent source of votes for the Democrat party.
- Even in the worst of times, someone always gets elected.
- Never snort cocaine and have sex in a limo with a homosexual drug user named Larry Sinclair.
- Oil is a stolen product.
- Practice saying it in front of the mirror: "This isn't the Almighty God that I know."
- Law makes everyone equal, but presidential pardons go to the highest bidder.
- There's nothing wrong with big business as long as they donate to anti-business causes.
- Never buy votes if ACORN can fix it for nothing.
- Friends and family are the rungs on the ladder of success - don't hesitate to step on them.
- Blood is thicker than Kool-Aid.
- Blame Bush first; ask questions later.
Great Stalin's Ghost
How predictable, playing the alien species card.
As collectivist as he his, I always had pegged him as a Borg!
This is a great revelation comrades! Now we get all the glory of collectivist society and ideals, but we don't have to ware a stiff drone suit!
Sir Red Star(The Naughty)
Comrade Cosmonaut I too suspected Comrade ObamaFührer was a "Borg" but I noticed that ObamaFührer refused to wear metal lapel pins, which are similar to Borg Implants.
Not to mention he is much too low in I.Q. Points to possibly be of the "Borg Collective". I must admit I was taken back that he would be "Ferengi" He reminded me of "the Pakleds" that kidnapped La forge, you know the ones, "Things that make us go".
This isn't the first time a Ferengi has tried to run for President.
But the last time, he wasn't a renegade socialist, but a regular Ferengi.
Perot was Ferengi - he had big ears, and was interested in profit.
So that's what Carville looks like without his terrestrial make-up on. I always knew there was something different about Comrade Carville. He would make any Ferengi proud to call him son.
Please, don't tell us that Hillary or Nancy are Ferengi too. Their women are not allowed to wear clothes and I don't want to go blind.
We have already established that Ferengi women on Earth mostly engage in "Boobs not Bombs" protests, where they can pass scrutiny of the earthlings undetected. Considering that they attacked both Hillary and Nancy in their offices, the latter two are not Ferengi species, thank goodness.
About the wedding photo. Is that light from the camera flash hitting the background (if only they hadn't been on the hook for their student loans, they might have been able to afford a professional photographer who knew what he was doing)--or is it some sort of noxious gas blasting out of the top of Michelle's head like a volcanic eruption?
Judging by the wedding photo, I'd say that Michelle is a Klingon hybrid. Praise Lenin, a Ferengi and a Klingon as POTUS and First Lady!! Soon we'll have the best of at least 3 worlds in the White House.
Sir Red Star(The Naughty)
Great Stalin's Ghost, Comrade Red Square. Our beloved Che was a Klingon! next you will be telling us that Billy Bob Clinton is an Andorian. Or Comrade Pelosi is a Horta!!!!
Comrade K.G.B. Komisar - I suggest you change either your name or your avatar. Together they taste like borsht with a touch of cola pinada.
The name that comes to mind looking at your avatar is "The Last of the Mohitos."
For now you are free to take your own pick, but time is running out. With Obama in power things will be different. There will be change. A significant change. You will not recognize this planet any longer. And taking your own pick of anything will be out of the question. Everything will be provided to us by the State Board of Expropriators and Liquidators, whether we like it or not.
Sir Red Star(The Naughty)
But what is this choosing one's own title? That being the case, I choose General Secretary Pupovich!
We already have a General Secretary, but you're up to a promotion anyway, so how does Marshal Pupovich sound to you?
Sir Red Star(The Naughty)
Hey, wait a fat minute! Didn't Pupovich just get promoted to Vice Chairman? And now he wants to be General Secretary? And he's being promoted to Marshal?
What about me? I bust my buns for The Party around here, and what do I get? "Here, Pinkie, I found you a real nice guy in a red hat. He enjoys digging long ditches at sunset." They're all losers after only one thing--my vodka ration card!
I might add that I'm not the one currently measuring the Empress for her cut-out. That's the work of a certain furry, four legged commissar/vice chairman/general secretary-wannabe-but-might-begrudgingly-settle-for-marshal. Plus he keeps letting the Criminally Insane Vodkov off the hook, when he should have had his show trial months ago.
Pupovich gets nervous at everything I do. Every time I come up with a new movement and/or cause, he trembles and glances around and says stuff like, "I don't know about this, Commissarka, I don't want to lose the desk in the corner office suite we share." Always trying to dissuade me from my glorious movements--wait a minute, that sounded weird--my--well, he just never thinks my ideas are well thought out. He's like Jiminy Cricket. Maybe you could give him a top hat and umbrella, and promote him to Jiminy Pupovich.
In fact, you might say he's like one of those digitally lobotomized yada yada 19 percenters (sorry, my carpal mime syndrome is flaring up again, can't type it all out).
Moreover, he's been denounced several times--once he even denounced himself.
On the plus side, he did save me when Zampolit shot me off the ledge and I landed on that flagpole. And he did inspire the notion of the Trojan Donkey. But I took credit for it, dammit!
I also awarded him Pinkie's Prestigious Beet of the Week Award, simply because he was feeling unappreciated. Talk about your overdeveloped sense of entitlement! But good feel-good Progressive that I am, I gave it to him.
In the meantime, look at all the initiatives I've initiated in recent months--making up an extensive list of Bush's crimes, my "perch-in" on the ledge, the People's Vigilante Committee, and Project Giant Trojan Donkey that's full of condoms for all the boys and girls at the convention in Denver. Why, I've done more to raise awareness and show how much I care than anyone else here!
What have the rest of you done? Anything? Anything at all?
P.S. Only I don't wanna be a marshal. I can just hear some smart-aleck like Betinov putting on his whiny Jan Brady voice and chanting, "Marshal, Marshal, MARSHAL!" every time I enter the bunker.
Mikhail T. Kalashnikov
Be careful when you wish for notoriety in the Central Committee, fellow party members, you may just get it (does the name "Leon Trotsky" ring any bells?). Above all, never forget your role as a sacrificial animal in the service to the State.
Remember also, self-sacrifice is a moral virtue - nay, your duty - in the furthering of the progression into the Glorious world of Next Tuesday. The good of the majority outweighs any arbitrary individual titles you may ascribe to yourselves. Hats or not.
Sir Red Star(The Naughty)
Thank you General Mousey-Tongue.
And yes the rodent was sacrificed for the greater good. (Lunch) What is being missed is the song the avatar is playing. Гимн Советского СоюзаGimn Sovetskogo Soyuza (The National Anthem of the Soviet Union) yes we are beaming with pride, of course it has been modified with a Caribbean beat.
We hope our new leader will enjoy this song.
Enough of this quibbling!!
We all work selflessly and without the desire for credit or reward for the benefit of the Party!
If Glorious Uber Comrades HRC notices your efforts and deems you worthy then and only then will you be given a promotion, not because you 'deserve' it but because your efforts are needed at a higher level, that is all. Do not think of 'promotions' as 'rewards' for the only 'reward' you shall ever get or even think about is the benefiting of the Party.
Now, the Party is of course a benevolent Party, so if you do feel that you deserve a promotion, bigger apartment, more rations, we will listen and evaluate all requests. Simply forward me your name, current address and addresses of your family, and a short essay (less than 10 words) as to why you deserve more than your comrades. I will personally review all submissions and will conduct face to face interviews.
WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
Commissarka Pinkie.....Did you forget to mention that I took a bullet fired by the Chairman, for you? Have no fear, I have little doubt the Party will see to an upgrade for you in good time. Your work is recognized and appreciated.
Comrade Mousey..... Yes, I noticed plenty of changes in your "title," and treated them all with the gravitas due.....
Re-read my rant. I believe I did credit you with saving my life after I was shot off the ledge.
Mousey-Tongue slinks in here and becomes a general. K.G.B. Komisar--another catty-mousey type--simply hulas up and gets to be a commissar and lie on the beach all day. And now you're a marshal! Marshal, marshal, MARSHAL!
Methinks there might be something to the old "four legs good, two legs bad."
Pinkie is peeved.
Commissar Pinkie, I read your rant, but I suppose your memory is a bit at fault. You were not "shot off the ledge." You fell from the ledge. I was technically shot "from" the ledge by a drunken Chairman trying to put you out of your misery.
But you are right on about comrades Komisar and Mousey Tongue. They think they can just come in here and take a title. I for one do not give time to such illusions. You and I know what it is like, to start off as a common prole, go through the rigors of the Karl Marx Re-Education Center to start out as a genuine Comrade. Then through hard work, climbing on the bodies of family, acquaintances and co-workers that we have denounced, and perhaps in my case, a bit of talent for being a sycophant, have climbed the Peoples Ladder™ and been recognized by those more equal than us as being worthy to hold increasing equalness as reflected by the titles bestowed upon us.
Hold your head up Pinkie, your next raise is surely coming soon. You must remember, I was here a bit before you, and you are a quick riser indeed.
Lenin 'n' Things
What is all this fracas,comrades?
Lenin 'n' Things
I did not like my name at all,it was too short,it was too small.
I felt that I deserved a name that would indeed put all to shame.
Having been here MUCH LONGER than Mousy Tongue and Pupovich, am I not due a promotion.
Sir Red Star(The Naughty)
Let me see ... hmmm ..... how about ....
Field Marshall General Barrack Hussein Blokhayev
Admiral Boris Hussein Blokhayev
ALL THIS SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION IS GETTING OUT OF HAND, COMRADES!
And it will cease at once. This sudden mushrooming of marshals and general secretaries and secretary generals and hats--HATS! Do we really want to revisit THAT again?--it's all too much, and very confusing. One cannot keep track of who is what.
Therefore, the only workable solution is for all of us to add Hussein to our names, as we are all Hussein
and should be free to celebrate our Husseinhood.
But as it's such a hassle to change my name legally, and once I leave a Husseinless Pinkie behind I will never get her back (despite the fact it's such a strawberry-pink American girl name), I will settle for merely going back to my signature block and signing credit card receipts with "Pinkie Hussein."Latest Current Truth for all Brides of Obamessiah:
Hereafter we shall be known as HUSSIES! PINKIE HUSSEIN
Commissarka of Vodka, Shovels, Beet of the Week Program, HBO, and Guest Soaps
Best Producer of the Year, Marina Kay Cosmonautic Cosmetics
Master Planned Economics Instructor, Tank & Shovel Factory
Ranked #1 on Google for "Crimes Against Everything" Thread
Awarded the Order of Hillary
Awarded the Order of the Mime
Website jumpofftheledgeforpeace.org (blog updated hourly with new posts copied and pasted with MimeSwipe)
The Spring 2008 Collection of Pinkieware--Available Now!
Click here to download my favorite PinkieTunes!
Save Our Cube from Yahoogroupish List Nazis! Click Here to find out how you can help while adding frequent flyer miles to your favorite credit card! "I like rich people. I like the way they live. I like the way I live when I'm with them." --Uncle Max in The Sound of Music.
So be it written, so be it done...you bold hussie!
I applaud the elevation of our beloved comrade, Pupovich, to his new rank of Marshall and hereby officially pooh-pooh all nay-sayers, gain-sayers, detractors and projectors of this well-deserved accolade on this thread. That being said, I cannot help but note that Marshall Pupovich was seen not saluting the flag during the National Anthem. This in itself is a commendable tacit speaking of Truth to Power, but I did happen to notice that the newly minted Marshall was NOT wearing his tiny gold-toned shovel lapel pin...I make no accusations, pose no questions as to his Socialism, but it does look...suspicious.
I believe the Supreme Court struck down the DC mandate for non-lethal Vulcan death grips where the hand had to be disassembled and secured with a finger lock, and reaffirmed the right of every citizen of the Federation to use lethal and deadly Vulcan death grips, that can kill, in self-defense.
There is no bickering.... at least none worth mentioning. But rules are rules, and one must be promoted by those in higher positions, as I was promoted by the Red Square to Commissar, by Nancy to Honorary Vice Chairman, and by Red Square to Marshall. I never chose my title, I was assigned my various roles For the Common Good™, this is the Party way, and that is the way it should be.
Sir Red Star(The Naughty)
I beam with pride that Comrade Marshal Pupovich has had this honor bestowed upon him. I feel we should have a party for our beloved Comrade. But I believe that out of respect for our future beloved leader, Comrade Obamessiah, he should call himself Marshal Pupovich Hussein.
Thank you comrade Betinov, your kind words and wisdom should be an example for all. If you failed to see my shovel pin, I can only conclude that it was due to poor lighting or perhaps it was covered up by a stray piece of hair from a criminal I was "interrogating" in celebration of my new promotion. I am pleased to report that the criminal has seen the light and is well on the road to a bright and glorious future building socialism.
Zampolit, this is a title of considerable power already, but I agree, you are deserving of a bump. But that is not mine to give at this time.
This talk of the messiah not being a human is truly not news worthy. We should be focusing on the true news of this week: that being a "community activist" (whatever that is) gives a candidate more executive experience than commanding a Navy squadron, being shot down, and tortured in a shithole Communist country. Did I say "torture?" Sorry, Comrade Fonda. I mean "physical therapy." I forgot- only American warmongerers torture!
Not only does Comrade Obama reach out to all members of the earth-bound community, he even reaches out to the intergalactic community! Considering the material-dialectical applications of the Theory of Relativity, this means fellow Ferengi and other People of Alienity can likely travel at warp speed to Earth, arriving in time to be born in AmeriKKKa to register to vote or at least "borrow" an identification card for registration and voting at an Obama-friendly voting center.
Mine eyes have seen the Light! Not only will Comrade Obama lead us to One World Government, he shall usher in One Universe Government and end the really confusing stuff about all those alternative universes by bringing them together into his One Multicultural Multidimensionality.
Omm! (Where have I heard that before?)
All this "hussie" talk reminded me of my brother telling me a long time ago... "you can call a woman a bitch or a whore...but never call them a hussie. I don't know what it is."
So I had to look it up of course. The original origin of hussie" German for housewife.
I actually read one expert that blamed the housing loan problem as part of the reason for the high oil prices. This was some UN expert and according to him, the US is the reason in every way.
Thank Lenin that no one has challenged us progressives on our claim that drilling for more oil would not reduce the price of gas by reminding every one how not long ago we were calling on Bush to release oil from the strategic oil reserve to reduce the price of gasoline. Such logic can be most detrimental to our plans and must be squashed immediately.
Comrades of the Inner Circle. may I submit Zampolit Blokhayev as a most worthy candidate for a higher title? His work toward the fulfillment of the World of Next Tuesday is beyond reproach (at least I have been unable so far to come up with a credible excuse to denounce him), he plays well with others, and well, he wants and needs a promotion, and that is reason enough.
I would like to take this opportunity to point out that it was none other than Zampolit Blokhayev who shot me off the ledge, thus causing me to get caught on the flagpole, at which point as you were trying to rescue me, the Chairman tried to shoot me down and hit you instead.
On the plus side, the Mime threatened to report both me and Zam to the FBI for making jokes about bumping off Bush. Apparently that's a federal offense in the same class as making jokes about bombs at airports.
" Look at all of us up here--and little old you down there, all by yourself with your gun. Can't you see through your cross-hairs to the popular consensus we've created?"
Remember that line Commissarka? I have investigated this incident, and I must point out that Zam told everyone to sit still while he sighted his sniper rifle in. Now apparently, we had some shots going back and forth, and all we know is that you were hit in a crossfire. Tell me, do you think you are the only Party member who has had to take one For the Common Good™? Did a little accidental drowning stop Kennedy from his magnificent career? Will a little spilt blood keep Bill Ayers from being a frequent guest at the White House when the Obama comes? Who are we to judge Zampolit's intentions?
Yes, that sounds like the sort of dumb thing I'd say. But did you not see in my previous post where I also said something positive about him?
Besides, it may not have Zampolit who actually shot me. It could just as easily have been Kalashnikov or the Chairman--or perhaps there was yet another gunman lurking behind a Bush on the grassy knoll across the street.
My only concern is Zampolit's motive for aiming his weapon at us in the first place. Could there have been a traitor up there on the ledge with us? Perhaps a furry traitor with four legs, wagging tail, and a commissar's cap recently swapped out for a marshal's?
Just speculatin'. . .
Cease you speculating Commisarka. The reason is clear. You were concerned there was a lagging interest and so you had suggested that perhaps we would need some volunteers to jump from the ledge. Since of course we Party elite, being more equal than others, could not afford to be sacrificed, it was expedient that the less equals be "encouraged" to "jump from the ledge."
So what you're saying is that while "encouraging" someone else to jump off the ledge for peace, Zam accidentally "encouraged" me instead?
Must be all that red I wear.
Mikhail T. Kalashnikov
I found this game to be addictive. Therefore It needs regulating.
There's 2 more to play as well.
What is to debate? After all, even if Zampolit fancied himself up for a promotion and calculated he could improve his chances by "discovering" a vacancy higher up and took action to move up....he was just following tried and true progressive methods. There are many paths to becoming more equal after all, and he showed initiative!
Gort, Klaatu Barack nikto...nanuu nanuu, eep opp ork ah ah.
Obama sure knows how to deliver a rousing speech doesn't he! It is disgraceful that he was turned down from speaking at the Brandenburg Gate.
Since he wants to campaign in Europe and imitate past presidents, I'd rather see him go to Paris, stand in front of the Louvre, and bellow, "Mr. Sarkozy, tear down this pyramid!"
Great idea! But I have another vision for how he should arrive in Europe.... by landing boat at Normandy!
Opiate of the People
Hmmm, I would be most impressed if Obama would go to Yalta, sit on a big boat and meet with Churchill and Stalin impersonators. But since such people of high caliber might demur at being seen with him, suggest instead an immitation of Jimmy Carter where Obama is chased by giant killer rabbit while fishing (or was he chased by a giant killer fish while rabbitting??? Whatever.) That is belief we can change in!
Obama in Berlin: "Ich bin ein Jelly Doughnut!" (They keep comparing him to JFK...)
Lt Frankes, USS Galaxy