![]() | On behalf of The People™, the Party, and the Politburo we express our satisfaction with the Film Academy for staying within the constrains of the narrowly defined Party line while delivering a correct set of Party-approved talking points to the knuckle-dragging American public at the Oscars this Sunday. Some comrades have voiced concerns about this year's lack of inspiring progressive rhetoric, but please remember that the Democrat victory in Congress has marked the beginning of a new era of lukewarm tepidness, which calls for lukewarm and tepid shows in life, politics, and television. The Oscars succeeded in doing exactly that. The polarizing times of Michael Moore are over. Hollywood has been given a new assignment - to soothe and desensitize the previously torn and deliberately wounded nation, reuniting it under the banner of moderation, centrism, multiculturalism, socialism, alternative lifestyles, and Global Warming. |
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For the same reason the organizers had suspended such formerly popular award categories as "best sedition," "best treason," and "best aid and comfort to the enemy." This deficiency was nonetheless compensated by the presence of George Clooney, last year's winner in "best terrorist recruitment video" categoty for Syriana.

George Clooney, last year's winner in
"best terrorist recruitment video" categoty for Syriana.
The remaining categories included "family sucks," "work sucks," "education sucks," "capitalism sucks," "America sucks," and "heterosexuality sucks," along with more subtle ones, such as, "shifting the paradigm," "subliminal propaganda," "historical revisionism," "moral relativity," "advancement of class struggle," "enforcing the Party line," "loyalty to Mosfilm standard of socialist realism," "framing public debate in Marxist terms," "best conversion rate of domestic and foreign audiences to the ideas of utopian socialism," and some others.
The film Little Miss Sunshine was rightfully rewarded in two categories at once:"Most venomous caricature of American success story," and "Family sucks." Alan Arkin, who played the heroin-snorting, foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed,
porn-addicted grandpa teaching his seven-year-old granddaughter to dance striptease, also received the "best David Geffen look-alike" award.
The "don't eat anything that has eyes" award went to the animated feature Happy Feet. This cute animal-humanization film reminded viewers with short attention span that penguins, just like polar bears, are the symbol of the suffering wildlife soon to become extinct if industrial America doesn't self-destruct and join with the rest of the Third World panhandlers. Even if the film was unwatchable, Happy Feet still should have won - just so that the award wouldn't go to Cars. The animated Cars was a shameless love song to American cars, roads, landscapes, customs, spirit, and everything Americana, portraying the gas-guzzling USA in a "positive" way without the mandatory touch of anti-Americanism. We have yet to find out how Cars even received an Oscar nomination. The guilty shall be punished.
Oscar winners 2007:
| Film: |
|
| Little Miss Sunshine |
|
West Bank Story |
|
The Danish Poet |
|
Marie Antoinette |
|
Pan's Labyrinth |
|
Dreamgirls |
|
The Blood Of Yingzhou District |
|
Babel |
|
Letters From Iwo Jima |
|
The Last King Of Scotland |
|
The Queen |
|
The Departed |
|
An Inconvenient Truth |
|
The highlight of the evening was, of course, Al Gore's sanctification of Hollywood's Kodak Theater, which right at that moment, in real time, was officially converted into a Megachurch of Global Warming. Davis Guggenheim, director of An Inconvenient Truth, delivered a frenzied Megachurch-style sermon - jerking his head, speaking in tongues, and exaltedly touching Al Gore while declaring him the new and the only true Prophet of our time (PBUH). Then Prophet Al Gore delivered a new set of progressive commandments: "Thou shalt conserve, propagandize, and recycle." It was followed by a solemn pledge by Hollywood celebrities to do just that.
| Recycling is nothing new to Hollywood that has been increasingly reusing old movie ideas: The Mummy, The Producers, Planet of the Apes, War of the Worlds, Phantom of the Opera, House of Wax, Dukes of Hazzard, Dawn of the Dead, The Flight of the Phoenix, The Time Machine, The Longest Yard, The Manchurian Candidate, The Stepford Wives, The Italian Job, The Amityville Horror, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Thomas Crown Affair, The Bad News Bears, The Ring, The Musketeer, The Honeymooners, The In-Laws, The Ladykillers, Thunderbirds, Psycho, S.W.A.T., Bewitched, Godzilla, Herbie, Alfie, Willard, Shaft, SpiderMan, Guess Who, Dark Water, Starsky and Hutch, Pride and Prejudice, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Yours, Mine and Ours, Walking Tall, Freaky Friday, Charlie's Angels, Ocean's Eleven, You've Got Mail, Cheaper by the Dozen, Around the World in 80 Days, and, to an extent, 13 Going on 30, Pink Panther, Miami Vice, Charlotte's Web, Poseidon, The Hills Have Eyes, When a Stranger Calls, Casino Royale, The Departed, and others. |
Recycling is nothing new to Hollywood that for some time has been mostly reusing old movie ideas to the point of awarding a recycled Hong Kong film (Internal Affairs) with an Oscar for Best Picture (The Departed). Propaganda of progressivism has also been one of Hollywood staples, along with recreational drugs, indiscriminate sex, and fantasy violence. The ubiquitous golden idols, large and small, had been worshipped before as well. They didn't even need to be replaced - only renamed from the Phony Idol of Make-Believe into the Progressive Idol of The Greater Good™.
A lesser highlight was a multiculturalist contest between
Gwyneth Paltrow, Ellen DeGeneres, and other speakers to deliver the most Spanish-sounding pronunciation of Guillermo Del Toro and other Spanish makers of Pan's Labyrinth - to the point of confusion who exactly they were referring to. Oddly enough, the patronizing desire to sound ethnic was only observed with Spanish names. Nobody tried to pronounce "Martin Scorsese" in Italian, "Stephen Spielberg" in Yiddish, or "Iris Yamashita" in Japanese. Even the composer Ennio Morricone who delivered his acceptance speech in pure Italian, was referred to as "Anny Markoney" by Clint Eastwood who also gave a fluent simultaneous translation of "Markoney's" speech into "American." (One can only wonder about the many faces of Ciint - a cowboy, a cop, a progressive historical revisionist, and now a polyglot).
Another lesser highlight was the honoring of Sherry Lansing, the former CEO of Paramount Pictures, for her active support of many politically correct progressive causes, as well as her devotion to making socially conscious movies that "matter" in order to change this society. And if this society still hasn't changed, it must be only due to the scoundrels who stubbornly continue to make movies that "don't matter," cancelling out the ones that do.
At one time during the show Ellen DeGeneres declared that the Oscars would not have existed without Jews, Gays, and Blacks. We would advise extreme caution while approaching such loaded statements. First, in this day and age, any such list will be incomplete without Muslims. We urge Ellen to apologize to the Muslim community and rephrase this unfortunate statement, which brings her down to the level of Mel Gibson and Michael Richards. The last thing we need in Hollywood is an angry Muslim mob torching our hybrid vehicles. It might actually be a good progressive move to give next year's Oscar to a Muslim or two. We'll put it on our wish list. It would serve the Academy well to take a note of it.
At least Ellen was careful not to say that the Oscars would not be possible without America's exceptional capitalist system with its capacity for enormous investments, freedom, and technological innovation that had allowed Hollywood to become world's most expensive dream factory, launching and supporting the careers of all former, present, and future Oscar winners.

The Tsarevna
The Geico caveman is gonna be really steamed about that picture of the "imagined American family".Chairman M. S. Punchenko
...like your cavemen, which is abrasive sense it has the sexist "men" at the end of the progressive dwelling of "cave"). My Lenin, I'm brilliant... quickly, fetch me an accolade so that I may feel more intoxicated in my smuggish self-love.Der Clintonista
Ahh! How well my plan is working! My former Vice Premier, whom the people rejected in 2000, now has their sympathy, and their money. And shortly, he will convince the people that all power must be given back to the government, to protect them from themselves. Then, we will win back the Red House, and convert it back to the Bolshevik paradise it once was! All Hail Tsarevna Hillary!!!
Chairman M. S. Punchenko
Der Clintonista
Ahh! How well my plan is working! My former Vice Premier, whom the people rejected in 2000, now has their sympathy, and their money. And shortly, he will convince the people that all power must be given back to the government, to protect them from themselves. Then, we will win back the Red House, and convert it back to the Bolshevik paradise it once was! All Hail Tsarevna Hillary!!!Chairman M. S. Punchenko
The Oscars were fabulous, just fabulous! The glitz, the glamour, the self-righteousness while flaunting exuberant amounts of money... stunning, just stunning!
Laika the Space Dog
Unfortunately we ran into some post production problems, and there was a strike picket line set up by the Theatrical Deer Union, who kept claiming that animals were being harmed for our pictureQuote:
M.S. Punchenko, who played the part of Bryan, kept throwing tantrums on the set...wanting only RED colored M&M's and a seperate trailer for his toaster companion Helen<3.| Related Articles | Author | Replies | Views | |
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