This tax season you have surely wondered why you weren't allowed to claim your talking parakeet as a dependent. Many of you maintain a strong loving relationship with your cats, dogs, hamsters, or sheep. You can't imagine life without your pet - just like your next door neighbor whose companion happens to be human - yet you are denied the same rights, respect, and recognition that your neighbor enjoys - only because your companion happens to be a member of another species.
If you've asked yourself these legitimate questions, then you've only touched the vast tangle of bigotry, speciism, and animal oppression growing at the heart of American culture. In fact, the offensive tax restriction is a mere weapon in a culture war against progress. Stop asking questions, start acting - we want our country back! And by all means, call the ACLU.
Humans aren't the only species on earth, they just act like it. The root word for animal is "anima" and is defined as "The inner self of an individual; the soul." What a great way to remind others that animals are also individuals, with thoughts and feelings all their own. But if animals are no different from humans and all species are equal, why don't animals pay taxes? Why can't my Ms Fluffy claim me as a dependent? Because Ms Fluffy is denied the right to work. She also can't legally own property nor can she vote - let alone enter into an official relationship with a loving companion. Speciism is the new racism.
It is obvious that civil rights, including the right to vote, are not contingent upon paying taxes, owning property, or even with having a mind. Millions of people who haven't worked a day in their lives and have forgotten how to read, still successfully participate in electoral process to ensure their status as government's dependents. True, animals don't have the cognitive function to realize what they're missing. But having a mind was never an advantage in our progressive movement. Animals can be trained. If they can ride a bicycle in a circus, they can rally for economic, political, and cultural rights in Union Square. It must become a duty of every progressive pet
This is nothing new. Everyone knows that social progress can only be achieved by assigning guilt for perceived absurdities that result from the persistent shifting of paradigms. We split you into groups and assign blame or victimhood accordingly. It's called social studies. Our academics have designed a diverse hierarchy of victimized minorities that has long ago surpassed the complexity of the periodic table. Once a new victim group is discovered and properly tagged, our activists quickly re-educate them about class struggle and train them to go out into the streets with slogans advocating [insert current truth here].
The ever increasing diversity of victims calls for a more universal classification. It's now easier to define them by what they are "NOT" - non-Exploiters, non-Males, non-Europeans, non-Christians, non-Infidels, non-Corporate, non-Straight, non-Healthy, non-Citizens - or, in this case, non-Humans. The more groups you are a part of, the higher you score in the Progressive Social Hierarchy. Until recently, the highest score was achieved by Fatima Jones, a homeless female homosexual Pygmy, an HIV positive crack whore of Muslim faith, mentally traumatized by a sexually abusive Catholic priest, currently on death row for stealing a motorized electrical shopping cart at Wall-Mart. The inclusion of non-Humans has shifted the paradigm even further. Now first place is being disputed by Silo and Roy - two gay penguins at the New York Central Park Zoo, and Wendell and Cass - another pair of gay penguins at the New York Aquarium. The jury is still out on which pair is more progressive: Wendell and Cass represent a proud minority of African black-footed penguins, while Silo and Roy have fostered an egg together during the mating season, delivering a decisive blow to the opponents of gay marriage.
The zoo, of course, represents a perfect social model wherein the subjects are free to exercise their instinctive impulses while being provided for by a benevolent group of scientists and caretakers.
As further social progress erases remaining boundaries between species, genders, faiths, cultures, and occupations, the social hierarchy will become so complex that any group larger than three will have to be separated from others by an unobtrusive mesh wire. It might even be a solid partition - to prevent one's cultural impulses from offending someone else's cultural sensibilities. That, of course, comes with thousands of new government jobs - to arbitrate what is offensive and what is not, to maintain partitions, and to provide scientifically measured care to harebrained constituents. Is this not the New American Dream worth fighting for?
Sister Massively Opiatedisn't that what your constitution says, "for the people, by the people?"
Quote:By Laika the Space Dog
AbecedariusRex...and the ostrich and the platypus and the gar and the vampire squid and the common leech and the aphid and the earwig...
Commissar TheocritusRed Rooster, I am flattered that you know of the inspiration for Jifi-Lobo. It is the scene in 2001 when Dave lobotomizes Hal. Turn the tool, out pops a card. People are not made so well so we have to use other methods, and an immersion blender is what I favor.
The Skinnee JayNow when I think about it, animals don't have voting rights in Israel!
Commissar TheocritusLeninka, I was not looking at you when I said that, but offering it as a tool, an invaluable one. I own a title company and have been working in land title for 38 years one month and18 days, with time off for college and other things. Never a penny's loss but you cannot believe some of the attitude that I get, or used to get, from young shysters. In less than a week I turn 54 and have learned to let impatience temper my voice, and if I work at it I can convey an upturned lip over the telephone.
Commissar TheocritusComrades, comrades! Why be upset? If you saw some of the people that I consorted with while living in Midland, home of the Bushitler, you would understand that there is no difference at all right now.
Commissar TheocritusCertainly lovelier than the salt marshes of Houston where I went to college. Whose campus walks were covered by bird shit every winter by the two millions cow birds come to eat bugs in the rice fields but who nested in the Rice trees at night.
Commissar Theocritus7.62, are you going to come out of the closet as being at that--I can hardly type it--military base?
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