This tax season you have surely wondered why you weren't allowed to claim your talking parakeet as a dependent. Many of you maintain a strong loving relationship with your cats, dogs, hamsters, or sheep. You can't imagine life without your pet - just like your next door neighbor whose companion happens to be human - yet you are denied the same rights, respect, and recognition that your neighbor enjoys - only because your companion happens to be a member of another species.
If you've asked yourself these legitimate questions, then you've only touched the vast tangle of bigotry, speciism, and animal oppression growing at the heart of American culture. In fact, the offensive tax restriction is a mere weapon in a culture war against progress. Stop asking questions, start acting - we want our country back! And by all means, call the ACLU.
Humans aren't the only species on earth, they just act like it. The root word for animal is "anima" and is defined as "The inner self of an individual; the soul." What a great way to remind others that animals are also individuals, with thoughts and feelings all their own. But if animals are no different from humans and all species are equal, why don't animals pay taxes? Why can't my Ms Fluffy claim me as a dependent? Because Ms Fluffy is denied the right to work. She also can't legally own property nor can she vote - let alone enter into an official relationship with a loving companion. Speciism is the new racism.
It is obvious that civil rights, including the right to vote, are not contingent upon paying taxes, owning property, or even with having a mind. Millions of people who haven't worked a day in their lives and have forgotten how to read, still successfully participate in electoral process to ensure their status as government's dependents. True, animals don't have the cognitive function to realize what they're missing. But having a mind was never an advantage in our progressive movement. Animals can be trained. If they can ride a bicycle in a circus, they can rally for economic, political, and cultural rights in Union Square. It must become a duty of every progressive pet
This is nothing new. Everyone knows that social progress can only be achieved by assigning guilt for perceived absurdities that result from the persistent shifting of paradigms. We split you into groups and assign blame or victimhood accordingly. It's called social studies. Our academics have designed a diverse hierarchy of victimized minorities that has long ago surpassed the complexity of the periodic table. Once a new victim group is discovered and properly tagged, our activists quickly re-educate them about class struggle and train them to go out into the streets with slogans advocating [insert current truth here].
The ever increasing diversity of victims calls for a more universal classification. It's now easier to define them by what they are "NOT" - non-Exploiters, non-Males, non-Europeans, non-Christians, non-Infidels, non-Corporate, non-Straight, non-Healthy, non-Citizens - or, in this case, non-Humans. The more groups you are a part of, the higher you score in the Progressive Social Hierarchy. Until recently, the highest score was achieved by Fatima Jones, a homeless female homosexual Pygmy, an HIV positive crack whore of Muslim faith, mentally traumatized by a sexually abusive Catholic priest, currently on death row for stealing a motorized electrical shopping cart at Wall-Mart. The inclusion of non-Humans has shifted the paradigm even further. Now first place is being disputed by Silo and Roy - two gay penguins at the New York Central Park Zoo, and Wendell and Cass - another pair of gay penguins at the New York Aquarium. The jury is still out on which pair is more progressive: Wendell and Cass represent a proud minority of African black-footed penguins, while Silo and Roy have fostered an egg together during the mating season, delivering a decisive blow to the opponents of gay marriage.
The zoo, of course, represents a perfect social model wherein the subjects are free to exercise their instinctive impulses while being provided for by a benevolent group of scientists and caretakers.
As further social progress erases remaining boundaries between species, genders, faiths, cultures, and occupations, the social hierarchy will become so complex that any group larger than three will have to be separated from others by an unobtrusive mesh wire. It might even be a solid partition - to prevent one's cultural impulses from offending someone else's cultural sensibilities. That, of course, comes with thousands of new government jobs - to arbitrate what is offensive and what is not, to maintain partitions, and to provide scientifically measured care to harebrained constituents. Is this not the New American Dream worth fighting for?
Sister Massively Opiatedisn't that what your constitution says, "for the people, by the people?"
Quote:By Laika the Space Dog
AbecedariusRex...and the ostrich and the platypus and the gar and the vampire squid and the common leech and the aphid and the earwig...
Commissar TheocritusRed Rooster, I am flattered that you know of the inspiration for Jifi-Lobo. It is the scene in 2001 when Dave lobotomizes Hal. Turn the tool, out pops a card. People are not made so well so we have to use other methods, and an immersion blender is what I favor.
The Skinnee JayNow when I think about it, animals don't have voting rights in Israel!
Commissar TheocritusLeninka, I was not looking at you when I said that, but offering it as a tool, an invaluable one. I own a title company and have been working in land title for 38 years one month and18 days, with time off for college and other things. Never a penny's loss but you cannot believe some of the attitude that I get, or used to get, from young shysters. In less than a week I turn 54 and have learned to let impatience temper my voice, and if I work at it I can convey an upturned lip over the telephone.
Commissar TheocritusComrades, comrades! Why be upset? If you saw some of the people that I consorted with while living in Midland, home of the Bushitler, you would understand that there is no difference at all right now.
Commissar TheocritusCertainly lovelier than the salt marshes of Houston where I went to college. Whose campus walks were covered by bird shit every winter by the two millions cow birds come to eat bugs in the rice fields but who nested in the Rice trees at night.
Commissar Theocritus7.62, are you going to come out of the closet as being at that--I can hardly type it--military base?
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests
Rubiks & Rubik’s Cube ® used by special individual permission of Seven Town Ltd.
Russian separatists in Ukraine riot over an offensive YouTube video showing the toppling of Lenin statues
Obamacare bolsters employment for professionals with skills to convert meth back into sudafed
Joe Biden to Russia: "We will bury you by turning more of Eastern Europe over to your control!"
In last-ditch effort to help Ukraine, Obama deploys Rev. Sharpton and Rev. Jackson's Rainbow Coalition to Crimea
Al Sharpton: "Not even Putin can withstand our signature chanting, 'racist, sexist, anti-gay, Russian army go away'!"
Mardi Gras in North Korea: "Throw me some food!"
Obama's foreign policy works: "War, invasion, and conquest are signs of weakness; we've got Putin right where we want him"
US offers military solution to Ukraine crisis: "We will only fight countries that have LGBT military"
Putin annexes Brighton Beach to protect ethnic Russians in Brooklyn, Obama appeals to UN and EU for help
The 1980s: "Mr. Obama, we're just calling to ask if you want our foreign policy back. The 1970s are right here with us, and they're wondering, too."
In a stunning act of defiance, Obama courageously unfriends Putin on Facebook
MSNBC: Obama secures alliance with Austro-Hungarian Empire against Russia’s aggression in Ukraine
Efforts to achieve moisture justice for California thwarted by unfair redistribution of snow in America
North Korean voters unanimous: "We are the 100%"
Leader of authoritarian gulag-site, The People's Cube, unanimously 're-elected' with 100% voter turnout
Super Bowl: Obama blames Fox News for Broncos' loss
Beverly Hills campaign heats up between Henry Waxman and Marianne Williamson over the widening income gap between millionaires and billionaires in their district
Biden to lower $10,000-a-plate Dinner For The Homeless to $5,000 so more homeless can attend
Kim becomes world leader, feeds uncle to dogs; Obama eats dogs, becomes world leader, America cries uncle
White House hires part-time schizophrenic Mandela sign interpreter to help sell Obamacare
Kim Jong Un executes own "crazy uncle" to keep him from ruining another family Christmas
OFA admits its advice for area activists to give Obamacare Talk at shooting ranges was a bad idea
President resolves Obamacare debacle with executive order declaring all Americans equally healthy
Obama to Iran: "If you like your nuclear program, you can keep your nuclear program"
Obama: "I'm not particularly ideological; I believe in a good pragmatic five-year plan"
Shocker: Obama had no knowledge he'd been reelected until he read about it in the local newspaper last week
NSA marks National Best Friend Day with official announcement: "Government is your best friend; we know you like no one else, we're always there, we're always willing to listen"
Al Qaeda cancels attack on USA citing launch of Obamacare as devastating enough
The President's latest talking point on Obamacare: "I didn't build that"
Carney: huge ObamaCare deductibles won't look as bad come hyperinflation
Washington Redskins drop 'Washington' from their name as offensive to most Americans
Poll: 83% of Americans favor cowboy diplomacy over rodeo clown diplomacy
Obama administration gets serious, threatens Syria with ObamaCare
Obama authorizes the use of Vice President Joe Biden's double-barrel shotgun to fire a couple of blasts at Syria
Sharpton: "British royals should have named baby 'Trayvon.' By choosing 'George' they sided with white Hispanic racist Zimmerman"
Nancy Pelosi extends abortion rights to the birds and the bees
Hubble discovers planetary drift to the left
Obama: 'If I had a daughter-in-law, she would look like Rachael Jeantel'
FISA court rubberstamps statement denying its portrayal as government's rubber stamp
Every time ObamaCare gets delayed, a Julia somewhere dies
GOP to Schumer: 'Force full implementation of ObamaCare before 2014 or Dems will never win another election'
Janet Napolitano: TSA findings reveal that since none of the hijackers were babies, elderly, or Tea Partiers, 9/11 was not an act of terrorism
News Flash: Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA) can see Canada from South Dakota
Drudge Report reduces font to fit all White House scandals onto one page
Obama: the IRS is a constitutional right, just like the Second Amendment
Jay Carney to critics: 'Pinocchio never said anything inconsistent'
Obama: If I had a gay son, he'd look like Jason Collins
IRS targeting pro-gay-marriage LGBT groups leads to gayest tax revolt in U.S. history
Boston: Obama Administration to reclassify marathon bombing as 'sportsplace violence'
Study: Success has many fathers but failure becomes a government program
Michelle Obama praises weekend rampage by Chicago teens as good way to burn calories and stay healthy
This Passover, Obama urges his subjects to paint lamb's blood above doors in order to avoid the Sequester
White House to American children: Sequester causes layoffs among hens that lay Easter eggs; union-wage Easter Bunnies to be replaced by Mexican Chupacabras
Time Mag names Hugo Chavez world's sexiest corpse
Boy, 8, pretends banana is gun, makes daring escape from school
Study: Free lunches overpriced, lack nutrition
Joe Salazar defends the right of women to be raped in gun-free environment: 'rapists and rapees should work together to prevent gun violence for the common good'
Dept. of Health and Human Services eliminates rape by reclassifying assailants as 'undocumented sex partners'
Deeming football too violent, Obama moves to introduce Super Drone Sundays instead
Japan offers to extend nuclear umbrella to cover U.S. should America suffer devastating attack on its own defense spending
Feminists organize one billion women to protest male oppression with one billion lap dances
Urban community protests Mayor Bloomberg's ban on extra-large pop singers owning assault weapons
Concerned with mounting death toll, Taliban offers to send peacekeeping advisers to Chicago
Karl Rove puts an end to Tea Party with new 'Republicans For Democrats' strategy aimed at losing elections
Answering public skepticism, President Obama authorizes unlimited drone attacks on all skeet targets throughout the country
Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to 'Traps'
New York Times hacked by Chinese government, Paul Krugman's economic policies stolen
White House: when President shoots skeet, he donates the meat to food banks that feed the middle class
To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead
State Dept to send 100,000 American college students to China as security for US debt obligations
Jay Carney: Al Qaeda is on the run, they're just running forward
Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects
World ends; S&P soars
Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood
Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway
Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013
As Santa's workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of 'naughty and nice' list
Freak flying pig accident causes bacon to fly off shelves
Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future
Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs
Imam Rauf's peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'
Study: Obama's threat to burn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties
Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years
Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh
Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild"
Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness
Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke
Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights
Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse'
Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't
Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost
White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus
Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed
Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom"
Obama refutes charges of him being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?"
Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!
Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'
Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'
People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies
Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"
Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law
Enraged by accusation that they are doing Obama's bidding, media leaders demand instructions from White House on how to respond
Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff thereof
Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels
Poll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi Party
May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above
Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"
Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name
Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich
Cancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"
Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory
White House: "Let them eat statistics"
Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama
I Own The World
It's Big Fur Hat
The Fine Report
The Looking Spoon
Sad Hill News
Looking at the Left
Red Planet Cartoons
Death By 1000 Papercuts