|CHAPTER 1 - THE BEGINNING OF THE START |
Barack Obama was born Steven Urkel in a log cabin near Springfield, Illinois. His father was a militant piano tuner from one of those African countries where they change the national boundaries every other week. His mother was a loan officer at the Oppressed Proletariat Bank and Trust Company where she spent her days rejecting loans to people who had little more to cling to than God and guns. As a communist, she hated that her job forced her to oppress the poor and disenfranchised; but, also as a communist, she loved power and control so she threw herself into her work with alacrity. His father, not finding a large number of militant pianos in the American Great Plains, left the fledgling family for places with more bellicose musical tastes, leaving young Steven and his mom to fight capitalism alone.
He began to question his values and those of the people around his, especially when it came to shirts. It was the late 1960s when Black Nationalism and Afro-Centrism began to emerge into the American consciousness along with a lot of other high-sounding poop.
His grandmother was going into trances and making predictions like "Steven, er, Barack - someday you'll throw me under a bus!"
Steven got caught up in the excitement of the times and decided to change his name to Muhammad Alley; Muhammad because he had heard the name in one of those "Mummy" movies and Alley after the place where he spent most of his time. Unfortunately, this name sounded very similar to that of a famous person of that era and was probably already copyrighted. The young man was devastated; he thought he would never have a cool sounding hip name; but, as fate would have it, he was watching an old low-budget World War II movie one day. One of the characters, a Japanese soldier, kept shouting in a kind of pseudo-Japanese dialect "Barack A Bomba! Barack A Bomba!" which was apparently supposed to mean "Bomb the Baracks!" Bad as the movie was, it turned out to be the young man's inspiration! Barack Obama was born!
As a teenager, young Barack's two best friends were named Bugs and Daffy. Daffy was black and Bugs was white. Bugs was always getting the better of Daffy and Barack felt that this was because Daffy was black. Barack was conflicted, as someome who has changed his named so many times at that age is wont to be; one day, his asked his mother "Mom, why can't we have hope and change instead of despair and sameness?" His mother replied, "Just a minute son! I have to stamp "REJECTED" on this loan application! Boo Ha Ha Ha Ha!"
The incident had a profound affect on young Barack. Not only had he not noticed his mother had a laugh like a cartoon villain but she was handing out loan rejections to people who had not even applied. Furthermore, his grandmother was going into trances and making strange predictions like "Steven, er, Barack - someday you'll throw me under a bus!" Barack just knew that the answer for the world had to be hope and change, regardless of the fact that the answer had nothing to do with the question. "Sometimes," Barack reasoned, "you have to answer a question you can answer instead of the one you are asked!" This would turn out to be a pivotal insight for him, for then as now he never had the answers to many of the questions he was asked. But with his phenomenal judgement, he knew - he just knew - that hope and change was the answer and that he was the one he was waiting for.
But how? How could he take meaningless platitudes and turn them into a marketing campaign that everyone would think meant something because it apparently meant nothing but everyone would pretend it was meaningful because they didn't want everyone else to think that they had missed the point? Who in this world makes promises that can't be delivered on but are never called on it because everyone either forgets them or never believed them in the first place?
The toughest thing might be getting rid of President McGovern. That guy could be in office for years!
This modus operandi would never be successful in the world of banking or even piano tuning. After all, if you promise someone their piano would sound like Liberace but instead ended up sounding like a drawer full of flatware falling down the stairs, people are not going to give you repeat business as dad discovered a decade earlier.
The answer came to him like a stinkbomb exploding prematurely in his face. The year was 1972 and a Presidential race was on. McGovern. Nixon. Hot air. Baloney. Bald faced lies. And regardless of all the BS (or maybe because of it), one of these boobs was going to be handed the most important job in the world after the Jackson Five's road manager: President of the United States! Barack found his answer: he was going to become President and MAKE the world HOPE er have HOPE and CHANGE! The toughest thing might be getting rid of President McGovern. That guy could be in office for years!
Coming soon: CHAPTER 2 - THE BEGINNING OF THE MIDDLE OF THE START
NewsBusterscomedians claim to be having a tough time finding material to write about the presumptive Democrat presidential nominee Barack Obama.
Chairman M. S. PunchenkoBarack Obama's mommy kind of looks like a young John Kerry. Hmm... I wonder?
Ivan BetinovChairman, I think we can do entirely without your racist comments about the Obamamamma. (Bear in mind that any comment that does not recognize the obvious superiority of the Lightworker and any sentence containing the name "Obama" and ending in a question mark have been determined to be rascist. The only exception to this rule are rhetorical sentences such as "Is there any way that Obama could be more perfect?")
Chairman M. S. PunchenkoAnd we can do entirely without your intolerance towards Asexually-Reproducing-Americans, Comrade Betinov!
Ivan BetinovI'm a brain in a jar of unidentifiable fluid. I have that effect on a lot of people.
BigFurHatThis is my favorite book of all time.
valerieUh, Stevie's grandmom is white, I think. The one he threw under the bus, anyway.
ObamaAll right, there's a HO in the house screwing with the teleprompter again!
Quote:That leaves two suspects: Comrade Nadezhda and Marshal Pupovich. I'm inclined toward the latter, since he was very disapproving of the whole makeover process. Also, since his recent promotion, he probably feels he can get away with more.
Red SquareThis story has just been posted on NewsBusters.comand is sending us traffic.
NewsBusterscomedians claim to be having a tough time finding material to write about the presumptive Democrat presidential nominee Barack Obama.
Chairman M. S. PunchenkoHmm... Commissarka Pinkie's makeover has me rather suspicious as to where her loyalties truly lie, Your Messiahship.
Commissarka PinkieNow, if you don't mind, I think I will take back my red headscarf, conduct some self-criticism with my shovel, and roll around in some mud so as to get back to my old self.
Ivan the FoolNOW it all makes perfect sense! I wondered what happened to Urkel.
Opiate of the PeopleAs a teenager, young Barack's two best friends were named Bugs and Daffy. Daffy was black and Bugs was white. Bugs was always getting the better of Daffy and Barack felt that this was because Daffy was black.
|(Go to page: 1, 2)||Opiate of the People||83||44635|
|(Go to page: 1, 2)||Red Square||81||30343|
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests
Rubiks & Rubik’s Cube ® used by special individual permission of Seven Town Ltd.
Revised 1st Amendment: buy one speech, get the second free
Sharpton calls on white NFL players to beat their women in the interests of racial fairness
President Obama appoints his weekly approval poll as new national security adviser
Obama wags pen and phone at Putin; Europe offers support with powerful pens and phones from NATO members
White House pledges to embarrass ISIS back to the Stone Age with a barrage of fearsome Twitter messages and fatally ironic Instagram photos
Obama to fight ISIS with new federal Terrorist Regulatory Agency
Harry Reid: "Sometimes I say the wong thing"
Elian Gonzalez wishes he had come to the U.S. on a bus from Central America like all the other kids
Obama visits US-Mexican border, calls for a two-state solution
"Hard Choices," a porno flick loosely based on Hillary Clinton's memoir and starring Hillary Hellfire as a drinking, whoring Secretary of State, wildly outsells the flabby, sagging original
Accusations of siding with the enemy leave Sgt. Bergdahl with only two options: pursue a doctorate at Berkley or become a Senator from Massachusetts
Jay Carney stuck in line behind Eric Shinseki to leave the White House; estimated wait time from 15 min to 6 weeks
100% of scientists agree that if man-made global warming were real, "the last people we'd want to help us is the Obama administration"
Jay Carney says he found out that Obama found out that he found out that Obama found out that he found out about the latest Obama administration scandal on the news
"Anarchy Now!" meeting turns into riot over points of order, bylaws, and whether or not 'kicking the #^@&*! ass' of the person trying to speak is or is not violence
Obama retaliates against Putin by prohibiting unionized federal employees from dating hot Russian girls online during work hours
Russian separatists in Ukraine riot over an offensive YouTube video showing the toppling of Lenin statues
Obamacare bolsters employment for professionals with skills to convert meth back into sudafed
Joe Biden to Russia: "We will bury you by turning more of Eastern Europe over to your control!"
In last-ditch effort to help Ukraine, Obama deploys Rev. Sharpton and Rev. Jackson's Rainbow Coalition to Crimea
Al Sharpton: "Not even Putin can withstand our signature chanting, 'racist, sexist, anti-gay, Russian army go away'!"
Mardi Gras in North Korea: "Throw me some food!"
Obama's foreign policy works: "War, invasion, and conquest are signs of weakness; we've got Putin right where we want him"
US offers military solution to Ukraine crisis: "We will only fight countries that have LGBT military"
Putin annexes Brighton Beach to protect ethnic Russians in Brooklyn, Obama appeals to UN and EU for help
The 1980s: "Mr. Obama, we're just calling to ask if you want our foreign policy back. The 1970s are right here with us, and they're wondering, too."
In a stunning act of defiance, Obama courageously unfriends Putin on Facebook
MSNBC: Obama secures alliance with Austro-Hungarian Empire against Russia’s aggression in Ukraine
Efforts to achieve moisture justice for California thwarted by unfair redistribution of snow in America
North Korean voters unanimous: "We are the 100%"
Leader of authoritarian gulag-site, The People's Cube, unanimously 're-elected' with 100% voter turnout
Super Bowl: Obama blames Fox News for Broncos' loss
Beverly Hills campaign heats up between Henry Waxman and Marianne Williamson over the widening income gap between millionaires and billionaires in their district
Biden to lower $10,000-a-plate Dinner For The Homeless to $5,000 so more homeless can attend
Kim becomes world leader, feeds uncle to dogs; Obama eats dogs, becomes world leader, America cries uncle
White House hires part-time schizophrenic Mandela sign interpreter to help sell Obamacare
Kim Jong Un executes own "crazy uncle" to keep him from ruining another family Christmas
OFA admits its advice for area activists to give Obamacare Talk at shooting ranges was a bad idea
President resolves Obamacare debacle with executive order declaring all Americans equally healthy
Obama to Iran: "If you like your nuclear program, you can keep your nuclear program"
Obama: "I'm not particularly ideological; I believe in a good pragmatic five-year plan"
Shocker: Obama had no knowledge he'd been reelected until he read about it in the local newspaper last week
NSA marks National Best Friend Day with official announcement: "Government is your best friend; we know you like no one else, we're always there, we're always willing to listen"
Al Qaeda cancels attack on USA citing launch of Obamacare as devastating enough
The President's latest talking point on Obamacare: "I didn't build that"
Carney: huge ObamaCare deductibles won't look as bad come hyperinflation
Washington Redskins drop 'Washington' from their name as offensive to most Americans
Poll: 83% of Americans favor cowboy diplomacy over rodeo clown diplomacy
Obama administration gets serious, threatens Syria with ObamaCare
Obama authorizes the use of Vice President Joe Biden's double-barrel shotgun to fire a couple of blasts at Syria
Sharpton: "British royals should have named baby 'Trayvon.' By choosing 'George' they sided with white Hispanic racist Zimmerman"
Nancy Pelosi extends abortion rights to the birds and the bees
Hubble discovers planetary drift to the left
Obama: 'If I had a daughter-in-law, she would look like Rachael Jeantel'
FISA court rubberstamps statement denying its portrayal as government's rubber stamp
Every time ObamaCare gets delayed, a Julia somewhere dies
GOP to Schumer: 'Force full implementation of ObamaCare before 2014 or Dems will never win another election'
Janet Napolitano: TSA findings reveal that since none of the hijackers were babies, elderly, or Tea Partiers, 9/11 was not an act of terrorism
News Flash: Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA) can see Canada from South Dakota
Drudge Report reduces font to fit all White House scandals onto one page
Obama: the IRS is a constitutional right, just like the Second Amendment
Jay Carney to critics: 'Pinocchio never said anything inconsistent'
Obama: If I had a gay son, he'd look like Jason Collins
IRS targeting pro-gay-marriage LGBT groups leads to gayest tax revolt in U.S. history
Boston: Obama Administration to reclassify marathon bombing as 'sportsplace violence'
Study: Success has many fathers but failure becomes a government program
Michelle Obama praises weekend rampage by Chicago teens as good way to burn calories and stay healthy
This Passover, Obama urges his subjects to paint lamb's blood above doors in order to avoid the Sequester
White House to American children: Sequester causes layoffs among hens that lay Easter eggs; union-wage Easter Bunnies to be replaced by Mexican Chupacabras
Time Mag names Hugo Chavez world's sexiest corpse
Boy, 8, pretends banana is gun, makes daring escape from school
Study: Free lunches overpriced, lack nutrition
Joe Salazar defends the right of women to be raped in gun-free environment: 'rapists and rapees should work together to prevent gun violence for the common good'
Dept. of Health and Human Services eliminates rape by reclassifying assailants as 'undocumented sex partners'
Deeming football too violent, Obama moves to introduce Super Drone Sundays instead
Japan offers to extend nuclear umbrella to cover U.S. should America suffer devastating attack on its own defense spending
Feminists organize one billion women to protest male oppression with one billion lap dances
Urban community protests Mayor Bloomberg's ban on extra-large pop singers owning assault weapons
Concerned with mounting death toll, Taliban offers to send peacekeeping advisers to Chicago
Karl Rove puts an end to Tea Party with new 'Republicans For Democrats' strategy aimed at losing elections
Answering public skepticism, President Obama authorizes unlimited drone attacks on all skeet targets throughout the country
Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to 'Traps'
New York Times hacked by Chinese government, Paul Krugman's economic policies stolen
White House: when President shoots skeet, he donates the meat to food banks that feed the middle class
To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead
State Dept to send 100,000 American college students to China as security for US debt obligations
Jay Carney: Al Qaeda is on the run, they're just running forward
Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects
World ends; S&P soars
Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood
Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway
Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013
As Santa's workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of 'naughty and nice' list
Freak flying pig accident causes bacon to fly off shelves
Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future
Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs
Imam Rauf's peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'
Study: Obama's threat to burn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties
Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years
Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh
Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild"
Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness
Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke
Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights
Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse'
Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't
Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost
White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus
Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed
Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom"
Obama refutes charges of him being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?"
Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!
Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'
Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'
People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies
Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"
Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law
Enraged by accusation that they are doing Obama's bidding, media leaders demand instructions from White House on how to respond
Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff thereof
Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels
Poll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi Party
May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above
Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"
Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name
Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich
Cancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"
Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory
White House: "Let them eat statistics"
Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama
I Own The World
It's Big Fur Hat
The Fine Report
The Looking Spoon
Sad Hill News
Looking at the Left
Red Planet Cartoons
Death By 1000 Papercuts