NEW YORK - Columbia University president Lee Bollinger confirmed plans to go forward with a speech by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad aimed at helping the progressive academic community better to understand their role in the Global War on U.S. Imperialism. "We are preparing some hard-ball questions that would force Iran's President to tell us more about his rich experience in purging academia and creating a perfectly uniform intellectual climate of diversity," stated Bollinger. "We are so committed to intellectual diversity that we spare no effort to silence the hate-mongering vitriol by our right-wing critics - and few people know about that more than our honored guest," Bollinger said, adding that "only an anti-intellectual bigot would oppose a speech by a distinguished Islamic scholar whose metaphysical insights into holocausts illuminate the massive genocides of the 20th century for all of us."
"We believe in accommodating the views of anyone who wants to kill us just as strongly as we condemn the views of people who spend their money and blood keeping us safe. We are not hypocrites."
"Let's not pretend Islamists are the only murderers. we have many gay friends right here in America who would kill for a ticket to a Cher concert!"
"A world dominated by the United States is so, like, Eighties."
Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei: "Kill a thousand people and have another virgin in paradise; kill ten thousand and you don't have to shave your body first and get razor burn."
Good for Chavez, good for America!
New York Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly: "If Columbia University wants to invite someone as crazy as Ahmadinejad, they should choose from the pool of genocidal Islamic maniacs who are already dead courtesy of Allied Forces."
| Bollinger:"Helping students to understand the hideous world as it is|
and the glorious utopia it might be"
According to the draft copy of his Columbia speech The People's Cube obtained from a trusted source, Iranian President claims that the idea of genocide originates from Allah himself, who had created the Great Flood that killed off nearly the whole human race. "Allah had destroyed whole Creations innumerable times until he came up with one that popped," he says. "Obviously a world dominated by the United States is yet another evolutionary disaster and is subject to demolition. So when we want to nuke up we're only doing Allah's good work."
The famed Islamic mystic further asserts that, in final analysis, all major prestigious religions are based on wild maniacal murder. "Krishna advises Arjuna to go to war to kill and be killed, Jesus was publicly and lawfully executed, and Buddha had a powerful ruling taste for fresh and highly spiced tandoori chicken. Likewise, Mohammed slaughtered millions with his pious armies."
"Leaders of mankind who order sacred genocides even if they are atheists become immediately closer to God. Their slaughters at a whim imitate the hunger of our divine Creator to destroy and devour us all along with sundry life forms all over the universe. Even stepping on a cockroach embraces one's godhead; one joins the company of heaven itself at least for five minutes."
"If God is the ultimate executioner, human beings are masterly adepts at torture," Ahmadinejad is known to pronounce piously every time he kicks a cat, a dog, or a woman. His insatiable quest for mystical experience has taken him from the beheading of lizards as a child to the beheading of infidels later in life. He was never tried for these magic acts of liberation, as they are not a crime under Islamic law.
Confronting critics who often lampoon him as a failed genocidal maniac, Ahmadinejad complains that only lack of means made him less than a mass killer - but that will change as soon as Iran's nuclear program is completed. Previously, Ahmadinejad was only able to kill his wife, children, his local extended family down to his third cousins, and assorted neighbors, cows, horses, camels, and dogs before he was chosen by the Guardian Council of Magic Mullahs to be the country's next president.
Many forward-looking American academics feel Ahmadinejad's sterling work deserves some sort of a prestigious award. Opinions are divided between the Nobel Prize on the one hand - and the posthumous Bollinger Prize awarded immediately - on the other.
It has been speculated that the only reason why Ahmadinejad had never been awarded with the Pulitzer Prize is the fear that he would finish the ceremony by slaughtering the entire committee with a rusty butcher knife and stone ax - something he had already done to the committee that appointed him to the Ezra Pound Chair at Harvard exploring Deconstruction.
As a minimum precaution, NYPD has recommended that Ahmadinejad be separated from Columbia students by chicken wire, if not fastened to a metal chair for the entire duration of the Q&A session.
Iranian President's speech is expected to follow by an evening of introspective reflections on the ethics of rape, in which invited rapists will instruct students on the importance of respecting civil rights of rapists.
Columbia's hard-ball questions for Iranian leader are expected to include:
AWOL CivilizationIt's mafioso, Third World victim, and freedom-fighter all rolled into one. Oh, that chronically unshaven look, it's even better than Arafat's. And his skin is just the right color to cover all the bases.
Party Diplomat Ivan DragoComrade, that's a sound idea. All these attributes are most appropriate, and in no way conflict with his amazing curriculum of "president-metaphysician-soldier-revisionisthistorian-holyman". Nevertheless, adopting Badmood Armedinajet would still require urgent tailor attention: it's not that his suits are worn and wrinkled (that adds to his rustic, Third-World freedom fighter look), the issue is that they are so off his size, and so disproportionate, that he resembles a walking sack of potatoes. From diplomacy experience I say: either we change that or give the fashion critics in our pockets the order to spread that look as the next progressive hype.
Quote:TEHRAN (AFP) — Two children of Marxist revolutionary Ernesto "Che" Guevara are visiting Iran and are due to meet with top officials, the student ISNA news agency reported on Saturday.
Commissar PupovichFor say what you will about the Bushitler, you have to give the imperialist military kudos since they would make short work of this Islamic wannabe. Nowhere do I see much about a really sharp dressed man, a man after our own heart, a man with a little bit of real muscle, both of the body and the military.... our own Chairman Putin!
AWOL CivilizationWhat a great face he has. It's mafioso, Third World victim, and freedom-fighter all rolled into one. Oh, that chronically unshaven look, it's even better than Arafat's. And his skin is just the right color to cover all the bases.
Quote:Bollinger said, adding that "only an anti-intellectual bigot would oppose a speech by a distinguished Islamic scholar whose metaphysical insights into holocausts illuminate the massive genocides of the 20th century for all of us."
Quote:Let my rant be stricken into the record for the Children™.
Comrade BlogunovAlso, comrades, we have a potential PR problem to discuss that must not leave the Cube! Some less well reeducated liberals might realize that since Ahnukes’lldothejob is free to speak his mind in this country, then maybe we don’t really live under a fascist dictatorship after all. This is potentially devastating to our propaganda department. We need a conspiracy theory ASAP! The problem is to be careful not to portray this hero of progressivism as a Bush/Cheney lackey, but if that can't be avoided, he too can be sacrificed for the Greater Good™. Ideas?
AbecedariusRexIndeed, the emperor of Iran recognizes, as all good progressives recognize, that there is no afterlife, no metaphysical this or metaphysical that. The only absolute truth is what we make it!
Quote:My stomach really turned hearing those idiot kids applaud that sh*tbag. The future of Amerika, ladies and gentlemen! Columbia’s finest!
Chairman M. S. Punchenko
PinkieI would humbly propose The Party take out a full page ad in NYT condemning Bollinger and his hateful remarks except (a) no one knew exactly what he was going to say beforehand, and (b) dumb prole that I am, I can't think of an appropriate word/phrase that rhymes or makes a clever play on his name. Collinger, Dollinger, E-Ollinger . . .
Commissar PupovichComrade Zampolit, while I am not sure of the make up of the crowd in that hallway, did you not hear the way those thought criminals openly laughed at some of the statements the peace loving president of Iran made? Why, they even cheered criminal B's remarks. Clearly there is much work to be done still.
Zampolit BlokhayevI have it on good authority from a U.S. Air Force officer who when to school with a whole lot of Iranians over here on student visas (this was the pre-Ayatolla Khomenei era) that 99% of all Iranian men are homosexual ... --
Red Bubba[Perhaps this explains why my billy goat smiles whenever he sees Ahmajihadistnut on the Party Organ ™ CNN.
Commissar PupovichI must admit, I was somewhat surprised today when I spoke to my boss. He is the author of several gay books, and literally, a card carrying member of the ACLU and Amnesty International. Now otherwise I wouldn't be surprised by his denunciation of criminal B (even out of character I dare not mention his name), but given the comments about no gays and the hangings of gays, I was surprised at how upset he was that criminal B received the reception he did for as he said, you shouldn't treat a president of a country the way he did in an academic forum where we are to discuss ideas..... He also claimed that criminal B had been pressured by the White House... LOL
Party Diplomat Ivan Drago... phew... had a terrible dream I was a christian-capitalist-metaphysician-bastard, comrade Pup... hope it never happens again. My head has never been the same since Balboa.
Ivan Betinov"I know I'm a Jewish lesbian and he'd probably have me killed. But still, the guy speaks some blunt truths about the Bush Administration that make me swoon..."
Party Diplomat Ivan DragoDamn... that turned me on.
Party Diplomat Ivan DragoHey... it works!... err.. or so I've heard.
Party Diplomat Ivan DragoBush lied! Bush lied!
PinkieI feel a pulsing, throbbing flamenco-style beat coming on as I hear you chant:
Users browsing this forum: Google [Bot] and 7 guests
Rubiks & Rubik’s Cube ® used by special individual permission of Seven Town Ltd.
President Obama appoints his weekly approval poll as new national security adviser
Obama wags pen and phone at Putin; Europe offers support with powerful pens and phones from NATO members
White House pledges to embarrass ISIS back to the Stone Age with a barrage of fearsome Twitter messages and fatally ironic Instagram photos
Obama to fight ISIS with new federal Terrorist Regulatory Agency
Harry Reid: "Sometimes I say the wong thing"
Elian Gonzalez wishes he had come to the U.S. on a bus from Central America like all the other kids
Obama visits US-Mexican border, calls for a two-state solution
"Hard Choices," a porno flick loosely based on Hillary Clinton's memoir and starring Hillary Hellfire as a drinking, whoring Secretary of State, wildly outsells the flabby, sagging original
Accusations of siding with the enemy leave Sgt. Bergdahl with only two options: pursue a doctorate at Berkley or become a Senator from Massachusetts
Jay Carney stuck in line behind Eric Shinseki to leave the White House; estimated wait time from 15 min to 6 weeks
100% of scientists agree that if man-made global warming were real, "the last people we'd want to help us is the Obama administration"
Jay Carney says he found out that Obama found out that he found out that Obama found out that he found out about the latest Obama administration scandal on the news
"Anarchy Now!" meeting turns into riot over points of order, bylaws, and whether or not 'kicking the #^@&*! ass' of the person trying to speak is or is not violence
Obama retaliates against Putin by prohibiting unionized federal employees from dating hot Russian girls online during work hours
Russian separatists in Ukraine riot over an offensive YouTube video showing the toppling of Lenin statues
Obamacare bolsters employment for professionals with skills to convert meth back into sudafed
Joe Biden to Russia: "We will bury you by turning more of Eastern Europe over to your control!"
In last-ditch effort to help Ukraine, Obama deploys Rev. Sharpton and Rev. Jackson's Rainbow Coalition to Crimea
Al Sharpton: "Not even Putin can withstand our signature chanting, 'racist, sexist, anti-gay, Russian army go away'!"
Mardi Gras in North Korea: "Throw me some food!"
Obama's foreign policy works: "War, invasion, and conquest are signs of weakness; we've got Putin right where we want him"
US offers military solution to Ukraine crisis: "We will only fight countries that have LGBT military"
Putin annexes Brighton Beach to protect ethnic Russians in Brooklyn, Obama appeals to UN and EU for help
The 1980s: "Mr. Obama, we're just calling to ask if you want our foreign policy back. The 1970s are right here with us, and they're wondering, too."
In a stunning act of defiance, Obama courageously unfriends Putin on Facebook
MSNBC: Obama secures alliance with Austro-Hungarian Empire against Russia’s aggression in Ukraine
Efforts to achieve moisture justice for California thwarted by unfair redistribution of snow in America
North Korean voters unanimous: "We are the 100%"
Leader of authoritarian gulag-site, The People's Cube, unanimously 're-elected' with 100% voter turnout
Super Bowl: Obama blames Fox News for Broncos' loss
Beverly Hills campaign heats up between Henry Waxman and Marianne Williamson over the widening income gap between millionaires and billionaires in their district
Biden to lower $10,000-a-plate Dinner For The Homeless to $5,000 so more homeless can attend
Kim becomes world leader, feeds uncle to dogs; Obama eats dogs, becomes world leader, America cries uncle
White House hires part-time schizophrenic Mandela sign interpreter to help sell Obamacare
Kim Jong Un executes own "crazy uncle" to keep him from ruining another family Christmas
OFA admits its advice for area activists to give Obamacare Talk at shooting ranges was a bad idea
President resolves Obamacare debacle with executive order declaring all Americans equally healthy
Obama to Iran: "If you like your nuclear program, you can keep your nuclear program"
Obama: "I'm not particularly ideological; I believe in a good pragmatic five-year plan"
Shocker: Obama had no knowledge he'd been reelected until he read about it in the local newspaper last week
NSA marks National Best Friend Day with official announcement: "Government is your best friend; we know you like no one else, we're always there, we're always willing to listen"
Al Qaeda cancels attack on USA citing launch of Obamacare as devastating enough
The President's latest talking point on Obamacare: "I didn't build that"
Carney: huge ObamaCare deductibles won't look as bad come hyperinflation
Washington Redskins drop 'Washington' from their name as offensive to most Americans
Poll: 83% of Americans favor cowboy diplomacy over rodeo clown diplomacy
Obama administration gets serious, threatens Syria with ObamaCare
Obama authorizes the use of Vice President Joe Biden's double-barrel shotgun to fire a couple of blasts at Syria
Sharpton: "British royals should have named baby 'Trayvon.' By choosing 'George' they sided with white Hispanic racist Zimmerman"
Nancy Pelosi extends abortion rights to the birds and the bees
Hubble discovers planetary drift to the left
Obama: 'If I had a daughter-in-law, she would look like Rachael Jeantel'
FISA court rubberstamps statement denying its portrayal as government's rubber stamp
Every time ObamaCare gets delayed, a Julia somewhere dies
GOP to Schumer: 'Force full implementation of ObamaCare before 2014 or Dems will never win another election'
Janet Napolitano: TSA findings reveal that since none of the hijackers were babies, elderly, or Tea Partiers, 9/11 was not an act of terrorism
News Flash: Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA) can see Canada from South Dakota
Drudge Report reduces font to fit all White House scandals onto one page
Obama: the IRS is a constitutional right, just like the Second Amendment
Jay Carney to critics: 'Pinocchio never said anything inconsistent'
Obama: If I had a gay son, he'd look like Jason Collins
IRS targeting pro-gay-marriage LGBT groups leads to gayest tax revolt in U.S. history
Boston: Obama Administration to reclassify marathon bombing as 'sportsplace violence'
Study: Success has many fathers but failure becomes a government program
Michelle Obama praises weekend rampage by Chicago teens as good way to burn calories and stay healthy
This Passover, Obama urges his subjects to paint lamb's blood above doors in order to avoid the Sequester
White House to American children: Sequester causes layoffs among hens that lay Easter eggs; union-wage Easter Bunnies to be replaced by Mexican Chupacabras
Time Mag names Hugo Chavez world's sexiest corpse
Boy, 8, pretends banana is gun, makes daring escape from school
Study: Free lunches overpriced, lack nutrition
Joe Salazar defends the right of women to be raped in gun-free environment: 'rapists and rapees should work together to prevent gun violence for the common good'
Dept. of Health and Human Services eliminates rape by reclassifying assailants as 'undocumented sex partners'
Deeming football too violent, Obama moves to introduce Super Drone Sundays instead
Japan offers to extend nuclear umbrella to cover U.S. should America suffer devastating attack on its own defense spending
Feminists organize one billion women to protest male oppression with one billion lap dances
Urban community protests Mayor Bloomberg's ban on extra-large pop singers owning assault weapons
Concerned with mounting death toll, Taliban offers to send peacekeeping advisers to Chicago
Karl Rove puts an end to Tea Party with new 'Republicans For Democrats' strategy aimed at losing elections
Answering public skepticism, President Obama authorizes unlimited drone attacks on all skeet targets throughout the country
Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to 'Traps'
New York Times hacked by Chinese government, Paul Krugman's economic policies stolen
White House: when President shoots skeet, he donates the meat to food banks that feed the middle class
To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead
State Dept to send 100,000 American college students to China as security for US debt obligations
Jay Carney: Al Qaeda is on the run, they're just running forward
Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects
World ends; S&P soars
Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood
Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway
Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013
As Santa's workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of 'naughty and nice' list
Freak flying pig accident causes bacon to fly off shelves
Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future
Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs
Imam Rauf's peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'
Study: Obama's threat to burn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties
Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years
Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh
Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild"
Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness
Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke
Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights
Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse'
Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't
Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost
White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus
Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed
Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom"
Obama refutes charges of him being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?"
Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!
Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'
Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'
People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies
Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"
Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law
Enraged by accusation that they are doing Obama's bidding, media leaders demand instructions from White House on how to respond
Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff thereof
Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels
Poll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi Party
May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above
Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"
Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name
Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich
Cancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"
Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory
White House: "Let them eat statistics"
Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama
I Own The World
It's Big Fur Hat
The Fine Report
The Looking Spoon
Sad Hill News
Looking at the Left
Red Planet Cartoons
Death By 1000 Papercuts