NEW YORK - Columbia University president Lee Bollinger confirmed plans to go forward with a speech by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad aimed at helping the progressive academic community better to understand their role in the Global War on U.S. Imperialism. "We are preparing some hard-ball questions that would force Iran's President to tell us more about his rich experience in purging academia and creating a perfectly uniform intellectual climate of diversity," stated Bollinger. "We are so committed to intellectual diversity that we spare no effort to silence the hate-mongering vitriol by our right-wing critics - and few people know about that more than our honored guest," Bollinger said, adding that "only an anti-intellectual bigot would oppose a speech by a distinguished Islamic scholar whose metaphysical insights into holocausts illuminate the massive genocides of the 20th century for all of us."
"We believe in accommodating the views of anyone who wants to kill us just as strongly as we condemn the views of people who spend their money and blood keeping us safe. We are not hypocrites."
"Let's not pretend Islamists are the only murderers. we have many gay friends right here in America who would kill for a ticket to a Cher concert!"
"A world dominated by the United States is so, like, Eighties."
Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei: "Kill a thousand people and have another virgin in paradise; kill ten thousand and you don't have to shave your body first and get razor burn."
Good for Chavez, good for America!
New York Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly: "If Columbia University wants to invite someone as crazy as Ahmadinejad, they should choose from the pool of genocidal Islamic maniacs who are already dead courtesy of Allied Forces."
| Bollinger:"Helping students to understand the hideous world as it is|
and the glorious utopia it might be"
According to the draft copy of his Columbia speech The People's Cube obtained from a trusted source, Iranian President claims that the idea of genocide originates from Allah himself, who had created the Great Flood that killed off nearly the whole human race. "Allah had destroyed whole Creations innumerable times until he came up with one that popped," he says. "Obviously a world dominated by the United States is yet another evolutionary disaster and is subject to demolition. So when we want to nuke up we're only doing Allah's good work."
The famed Islamic mystic further asserts that, in final analysis, all major prestigious religions are based on wild maniacal murder. "Krishna advises Arjuna to go to war to kill and be killed, Jesus was publicly and lawfully executed, and Buddha had a powerful ruling taste for fresh and highly spiced tandoori chicken. Likewise, Mohammed slaughtered millions with his pious armies."
"Leaders of mankind who order sacred genocides even if they are atheists become immediately closer to God. Their slaughters at a whim imitate the hunger of our divine Creator to destroy and devour us all along with sundry life forms all over the universe. Even stepping on a cockroach embraces one's godhead; one joins the company of heaven itself at least for five minutes."
"If God is the ultimate executioner, human beings are masterly adepts at torture," Ahmadinejad is known to pronounce piously every time he kicks a cat, a dog, or a woman. His insatiable quest for mystical experience has taken him from the beheading of lizards as a child to the beheading of infidels later in life. He was never tried for these magic acts of liberation, as they are not a crime under Islamic law.
Confronting critics who often lampoon him as a failed genocidal maniac, Ahmadinejad complains that only lack of means made him less than a mass killer - but that will change as soon as Iran's nuclear program is completed. Previously, Ahmadinejad was only able to kill his wife, children, his local extended family down to his third cousins, and assorted neighbors, cows, horses, camels, and dogs before he was chosen by the Guardian Council of Magic Mullahs to be the country's next president.
Many forward-looking American academics feel Ahmadinejad's sterling work deserves some sort of a prestigious award. Opinions are divided between the Nobel Prize on the one hand - and the posthumous Bollinger Prize awarded immediately - on the other.
It has been speculated that the only reason why Ahmadinejad had never been awarded with the Pulitzer Prize is the fear that he would finish the ceremony by slaughtering the entire committee with a rusty butcher knife and stone ax - something he had already done to the committee that appointed him to the Ezra Pound Chair at Harvard exploring Deconstruction.
As a minimum precaution, NYPD has recommended that Ahmadinejad be separated from Columbia students by chicken wire, if not fastened to a metal chair for the entire duration of the Q&A session.
Iranian President's speech is expected to follow by an evening of introspective reflections on the ethics of rape, in which invited rapists will instruct students on the importance of respecting civil rights of rapists.
Columbia's hard-ball questions for Iranian leader are expected to include:
AWOL CivilizationIt's mafioso, Third World victim, and freedom-fighter all rolled into one. Oh, that chronically unshaven look, it's even better than Arafat's. And his skin is just the right color to cover all the bases.
Party Diplomat Ivan DragoComrade, that's a sound idea. All these attributes are most appropriate, and in no way conflict with his amazing curriculum of "president-metaphysician-soldier-revisionisthistorian-holyman". Nevertheless, adopting Badmood Armedinajet would still require urgent tailor attention: it's not that his suits are worn and wrinkled (that adds to his rustic, Third-World freedom fighter look), the issue is that they are so off his size, and so disproportionate, that he resembles a walking sack of potatoes. From diplomacy experience I say: either we change that or give the fashion critics in our pockets the order to spread that look as the next progressive hype.
Quote:TEHRAN (AFP) — Two children of Marxist revolutionary Ernesto "Che" Guevara are visiting Iran and are due to meet with top officials, the student ISNA news agency reported on Saturday.
Commissar PupovichFor say what you will about the Bushitler, you have to give the imperialist military kudos since they would make short work of this Islamic wannabe. Nowhere do I see much about a really sharp dressed man, a man after our own heart, a man with a little bit of real muscle, both of the body and the military.... our own Chairman Putin!
AWOL CivilizationWhat a great face he has. It's mafioso, Third World victim, and freedom-fighter all rolled into one. Oh, that chronically unshaven look, it's even better than Arafat's. And his skin is just the right color to cover all the bases.
Quote:Bollinger said, adding that "only an anti-intellectual bigot would oppose a speech by a distinguished Islamic scholar whose metaphysical insights into holocausts illuminate the massive genocides of the 20th century for all of us."
Quote:Let my rant be stricken into the record for the Children™.
Comrade BlogunovAlso, comrades, we have a potential PR problem to discuss that must not leave the Cube! Some less well reeducated liberals might realize that since Ahnukes’lldothejob is free to speak his mind in this country, then maybe we don’t really live under a fascist dictatorship after all. This is potentially devastating to our propaganda department. We need a conspiracy theory ASAP! The problem is to be careful not to portray this hero of progressivism as a Bush/Cheney lackey, but if that can't be avoided, he too can be sacrificed for the Greater Good™. Ideas?
AbecedariusRexIndeed, the emperor of Iran recognizes, as all good progressives recognize, that there is no afterlife, no metaphysical this or metaphysical that. The only absolute truth is what we make it!
Quote:My stomach really turned hearing those idiot kids applaud that sh*tbag. The future of Amerika, ladies and gentlemen! Columbia’s finest!
Chairman M. S. Punchenko
PinkieI would humbly propose The Party take out a full page ad in NYT condemning Bollinger and his hateful remarks except (a) no one knew exactly what he was going to say beforehand, and (b) dumb prole that I am, I can't think of an appropriate word/phrase that rhymes or makes a clever play on his name. Collinger, Dollinger, E-Ollinger . . .
Commissar PupovichComrade Zampolit, while I am not sure of the make up of the crowd in that hallway, did you not hear the way those thought criminals openly laughed at some of the statements the peace loving president of Iran made? Why, they even cheered criminal B's remarks. Clearly there is much work to be done still.
Zampolit BlokhayevI have it on good authority from a U.S. Air Force officer who when to school with a whole lot of Iranians over here on student visas (this was the pre-Ayatolla Khomenei era) that 99% of all Iranian men are homosexual ... --
Red Bubba[Perhaps this explains why my billy goat smiles whenever he sees Ahmajihadistnut on the Party Organ ™ CNN.
Commissar PupovichI must admit, I was somewhat surprised today when I spoke to my boss. He is the author of several gay books, and literally, a card carrying member of the ACLU and Amnesty International. Now otherwise I wouldn't be surprised by his denunciation of criminal B (even out of character I dare not mention his name), but given the comments about no gays and the hangings of gays, I was surprised at how upset he was that criminal B received the reception he did for as he said, you shouldn't treat a president of a country the way he did in an academic forum where we are to discuss ideas..... He also claimed that criminal B had been pressured by the White House... LOL
Party Diplomat Ivan Drago... phew... had a terrible dream I was a christian-capitalist-metaphysician-bastard, comrade Pup... hope it never happens again. My head has never been the same since Balboa.
Ivan Betinov"I know I'm a Jewish lesbian and he'd probably have me killed. But still, the guy speaks some blunt truths about the Bush Administration that make me swoon..."
Party Diplomat Ivan DragoDamn... that turned me on.
Party Diplomat Ivan DragoHey... it works!... err.. or so I've heard.
Party Diplomat Ivan DragoBush lied! Bush lied!
PinkieI feel a pulsing, throbbing flamenco-style beat coming on as I hear you chant:
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