![]() | Under pressure from New Jersey's highest court to offer marriage or its equivalent to multi-sexual-oriented couples, groups, and associations, the state Legislature voted last week to make New Jersey the third state to allow civil unions. "This is a huge step towards progress," says M.S. Punchenko, who has been waiting more than four years to enter into an official legal relationship with a toaster named Helen<3, his long-time life partner and a registered Democrat. "If I could get Helen registered to vote for Robert Menendez in midterm elections, she might as well be entitled to my health insurance, inheritance, and adoption rights," he says. |
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Excited grass root activists unleashed a state-wide campaign to raise awareness of the new bill. "I know that the majority of New Jerseyites - and Americans for that matter - are just like us, they couldn't wait to marry a roommate, a pet, a utensil, or a household appliance," says Sandra Graham-Bale of Newark who has recently exchanged wedding vows with a vibrating Gillette shaver named Igor. "The only reason why most people aren't celebrating in the streets must be the lack of awareness. That's why we need this campaign, to let the people know that they are free now!"
![]() HUSBAND: "I'm leaving, Lucy. I'm in love with this car, her name is Marge." WIFE: "It's OK, Bob. I've been having a long relationship with Mr. Peter the Frying Pan here. I'm glad we can finally get married!" |
Complaints from local residents about the excesses of grass roots campaigners include a story of Joe Damico who walked out to his parked car in Paramus when someone asked him, "Do you own this car sir?" He replied, "I do" - and now all his benefits at work have been turned over to his 1998 Honda Civic.
Another Trenton resident has become a husband to a pair of New York Jets tickets after answering "I do" to a workmate on a construction site who asked if anyone wanted to see a ball game.
In Hackensack, two unsuspecting men were chatting as they walked down the roofing supplies aisle in a local Home Depot store, when at the end of the aisle they were suddenly greeted by a cheering group of associates and pronounced husband and husband.
![]() ![]() "You are now pronounced husband and husband" ![]() |
![]() Professor Palimpsest: "Toasters are a finicky lot. She may seem the portrait of fidelity now, but many a man has been burned before." |
"We might go a little over the edge sometimes," admits Mrs. Igor-Graham-Bale, "but considering years of oppression we have suffered, whatever we do is not nearly enough. We have a full cooperation of local authorities - the ACLU took care of that."
Predictably, the hasty marriages resulted in a skyrocketing divorce rate. A case was filed in Hoboken by a man who accepted a quarter from a coworker for a vending machine but cannot spend as he is now married to it. He wants out, citing irreconcilable differences.
Another man contacted a Maytag technician requesting a sex-change operation on a two-slice toaster who allegedly wanted to become a male. "The guy was all shook up," recalls the technician. "To learn such news two days after the wedding would break anyone's heart. I applaud him for wanting to preserve the marriage no matter what. It's really heartening to see that some of us still take family values seriously."
"Love counts," says AssemblymanWilfredo Caraballo (D-Essex), a chief sponsor of the bill."The gender, species, brand, or vitality of whom one loves should not matter to the state." Caraballo and some other lawmakers said they would work for full marriage rights for multi-sexual-oriented couples, groups, and consortia.
Others bristled at the notion. "It's my personal belief, faith, and religious practice that marriage has been defined in the Bible*," said Assemblyman Ronald Dancer (R-Ocean) as he dragged his knuckles, swaying back and forth in front of his cave." And this is one time that I cannot compromise my bigoted troglodyte beliefs and faiths."
Dancer's conservative constituents are raising questions, in particular, whether an illegal alien who enters in a civil union with an American toaster will be eligible for a work permit, followed by full US citizenship and voting rights.
The court, in its 4-3 ruling, left it up to the Legislature to decide whether to call such unions "marriages" or something else. Civil rights advocates said they would continue to push for the right to marry, arguing that not calling such unions "marriage" creates a different, and inferior, institution. "I will force my relationship with a toaster down everyone's throat until you accept the love between me and the toaster!" says Punchenko. "And if you don't, I will go down to Hollywood and personally demand that a toaster/humyn couple is present in every TV show and movie! You will accept us!"
__________________
*Bible = Judeo-Christian user manual









Quote:
HELEN IS DEAD TO ME!Chairman M. S. Punchenko
Life imitates the Cube. AGAIN!Comrade Che Cure Booty
Madame Svetlana introduced me to a real cutie at the ISG gala. She's a hot little Cuisinart (...and a four slicer - wink wink nudge nudge) named Trixie. If you're interested I can hook you up with her sister.

Quote:
I think I know who you mean. She's a real slut, serviced every U.N. official not lazy enough to push on her lever. Just look at her - a proverbial portrait of indecency verging on porno.Comrade Che Cure Booty
She's not the kind of appliance you take home to meet your mother...


Chairman M. S. Punchenko
PUT DOWN THAT CARROT! HE FEELS, THINKS AND LOVES TOO!Margaret
All of these pictures of appliances with no dust covers on is just disgusting!



Chairman M. S. Punchenko
Helen has custody of the toast -- not to mention she gets half of everything I own. This is a problem, a big problem indeed. However, I have a number in my revolutionary rolodex of a one Yuri Plesbinkoba who handles messy divorces. By sun up tommorow Helen will be just another toaster floating down the Potomac.

Red Square

Chairman M. S. Punchenko
Oooo La La! Does it have good suction? And is there a warranty?Quote:
I like the crumbs in the bed.Quote:
Damn! Outed again. But then is it better to practice pedophilia than incest?Red Square
And another, more radical version:

Commissar Theocritus
Damn! Outed again. But then is it better to practice pedophilia than incest?Quote:
Oooo La La! Does it have good suction?Quote:
All the towels in the house are in lovely colors.Direktor Irina
Quote:
Oooo La La! Does it have good suction?Quote:
Also, Jocko is not in fact a homosexual man. I was recently through Roswell, NM and on main street are many shops selling UFO memoriabilia. The cheekbones are the same. And all of the thin green men have noses which are falling off and only one glove.Commissar Theocritus
Michael Jackson is a golemQuote:
Uh, isn't goyim plural?Commissar Theocritus
Uh, isn't goyim plural?Laika the Space Dog
Sista MO,Laika the Space Dog
You're thinking of "Goyem".Commissar Theocritus
Sister Massively Opiated, I bow in humble submission to you. I have never before in my 51 years of infesting the People's Earth met anyone with a bigger fund of bullshit than I have.Sister Massively Opiated
I am red-faced from your flattery, or perhaps from pushing so hard to extrude said BS.Red Square
That's what we call "Revolutionary Romanticism." It's almost the same formula as "Social Realism" only with a higher BS ratio.Commissar Theocritus
But of course in the Kollective there are winners and losers. Who after all determines who gets the nice dachas or any at all? It's not based on the color of eyes. (Mine are blue by the way.)Chairman M. S. Punchenko
Would MSNBC's Norah O'Donnell (no relation to Rosie, I THINK?!?) happen to be one of these "Golems" you speak of, SMO?Sister Massively Opiated
my default position on Jacko's pedigree involves a great deal of human/alien hybridism which must surely include a substantial element of manufacturing
Red Square
Do you think all this complicated taxonomy would be unnecessary if we just reclassify Jacko as an appliance? That way he would still be equal, answerable to his Creator/Manufacturer/Maytag Repairperson, and now also eligible to legally marry a human/humyn, a gerbil, or another appliance.Red Square
I love this selection of Google "smart" AdSense links that came up on this "Appliance Marriage" page just now:
Red Square
Do you think all this complicated taxonomy would be unnecessary if we just reclassify Jacko as an appliance? That way he would still be equal, answerable to his Creator/Manufacturer/Maytag Repairperson, and now also eligible to legally marry a human/humyn, a gerbil, or another appliance.Chairman M. S. Punchenko
With the coming advent of cybernetic appendages; I'm more than certain in time Michael will become an appliance to maintain his "youthful" appearance and live forever (there are many young boys he has yet to fondle, and so little time in natural life to do so).Sister Massively Opiated
Chairman M. S. Punchenko
With the coming advent of cybernetic appendages; I'm more than certain in time Michael will become an appliance to maintain his "youthful" appearance and live forever (there are many young boys he has yet to fondle, and so little time in natural life to do so).Chairman M. S. Punchenko
Sister Massively Opiated
Ooh... I'm done...???Commissar Theocritus
SMO, I am in your thrall, yet again. Videlicet?Commissar Theocritus
Well, let's go one further, and if I recall, and may try my hand at parodiorthosis, quid licet regi popi non felinae. Even a cat like Chairman Punchenko.I'm sorry Theocritus, but my grasp of Latin is limited to the present simple although I did just manage to finally learn the Spanish preterite, which means I can stop sniggering every time I have to say "hablaba"... teeheehee... and will make it much easier to speak to my Argentine MIL. I'm not sure, but are you asking me to go to see The Lion King? I'm sorry if your esteem has diminished as a result of my lack of linguistic facility, but I'm not doing too badly for someone who grew up in Saskatchewan.Commissar Theocritus
But, and take this from a view perhaps more professsional than that of the others on this page, it seems unlikely from the affect of Whacko Jacko that he is actually doing anything intrusive in his fondling. (Believe it or not, there is a pecking order among homosexuals, and child-fingerers are at the bottom.) I have heard that he is of the school of George "Dancing Queen" Michael, who gets his jollies showing his little bits in public places. At least Whacko Jacko paid for his own amusement park instead of haunting public venues in London and Los Angeles.Commissar Theocritus
Have you seen the German artist who, with the permission (he says) plasticizes bodies? I suspect that Whacko Jacko is one of his efforts in a joint venture with Disney to make an Animatronic robot. Thriller.Commissar Theocritus
I think that in my fractured schoolboy Latin I said, "What is permitted to a king (of pop) is not permitted to a cat." Perhaps it ought to have been Caesaro, though.Bvt. Field Marshal Pravda
lol...you 2 need to get a (chat) room (and i sincerely mean that it in the BEST possible way, no joke).Commissar Theocritus
I have recorded on TiVo CPAN of Nanci Peloski's first day as Speakerette of the Disorderly House of Misrepresentation. Maybe it's the love lust in my eyes but there's something about Nancy's tailored suits and jack boots, and the wallets that fly toward her fingers. Yesterday I watched her so much that a tattoo disappeared from my chest.Commissar Theocritus
Time for the red-dyed Krisko to put a hole in the heart of a kulak.Commissar Theocritus
Sweet dreams, my semidigited love. Until we meet in the Socialist People's Republik where mine is mine and all yours is mine.| Related Articles | Author | Replies | Views | |
Decoding Republican Dog Whistles: A Tutorial | Commissarka Pinkie | 25 | 8928 | |
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