When Parkinson's Just Isn't Enough

It is an undeniable scientific fact that the pro-embryonic-stem-cell spot that Michael J. Fox did for Missouri Senate candidate Claire McCaskill was effective in the case of at least one person - Claire McCaskill - who has made medical history by winning a seat in the Senate because of it. Now it's time for the Democrats to return the favor and arrange a sweeping victory for the funding of embryonic stem cell research. It is especially important because now Fox has apparently decided that settling for Parkinson's alone is for wimps, and if he wants to be a truly progressive victim he also needs the brain tumor that embryonic stem cells create. Recall that Parkinson's patient in China, whose brain after being implanted with embryonic stem cells began to develop bone, skin, and hair - until an entire Siamese twin grew in his head, killing the host.

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HOW EMBRYONIC STEM CELLS ARE HELPING PROGRESS Everybody knows that social progress requires sacrifice. The best example of how this works is the sacrifice of healthy embryos to revitalize an old man who will start feeling great again, taking Viagra and cheating on his wife with younger women, impregnating them with his mutated sperm, which increases schizophrenia risk and causes less healthy children in general, leading to either more abortions or more sicklings clamoring for more embryonic stem cell research. That's a win-win situation for progress all around!

We understand Democrats are for euthanasia, but there's got to be an easier way. A gun would be quick and less painful, but - sure enough - they're against those, preferring the drawn-out route instead. We should have seen the warning signs when instead of just injecting Terri Schiavo with something, they wanted her to starve and thirst for three weeks until her swollen tongue protruded like rotting meat, her skin cracked, lips and nose bled as she heaved, vomited, had seizures, and gasped for air.

Stem cells from aborted fetuses were also once thought to be a promising avenue - until patients started to writhe and twist about, jerking their heads and flinging their arms, chewing constantly, flexing and distending their wrists, and moving their fingers up and down. One subject reacted so negatively that he now needed a feeding tube - and we know where that leads.

As one of the study's sponsors, Dr. Gerald Fischbach, put it: The surgery "is not the final solution that people would have hoped." There you have it in their own words: They're working toward a Final Solution with human experimentation.

SLATE writer Michael Kinsley, who also suffers from Parkinson's, likewise has been making a plea for embryonic stem cell research - despite the fact that adult stem cells consistently have exhibited far less disastrous, more promising results. But Kinsley wants his cells to come specifically from embryos that must be destroyed in the process. And specifically from government-funded destroyed embryos. Is it too much to ask? Sure enough, Kinsley and Fox could get their tumors through privately funded embryonic stem cell research (which, incidentally, has investors running for the hills), but it's that magic touch of government money that keeps their hope for a miracle alive.

With the growing popularity of "designer embryos" - screening for 200 diseases, as well as picking the sex and hair color - you can now design the embryos you destroy at taxpayer's expense. Which means you can grow a blond, blue-eyed tumor!

Perhaps the Democrats indeed might be our best hope for cures to debilitating diseases and paraplegia. After all, if they're able to raise the dead to vote again, they can certainly heal the paralyzed to walk again. Given the euphoria over the Democratic victory in places like Syria, Iran, and France, one can understand Democrats' obsession with stem cells. They're going to need as many as they can get to rebuild their spines.

So fear not: with the Democrats in control of Congress, the overgrown fetuses in schools will be experimenting on their embryonic brothers and sisters in lab class before we know it. And Michael J. Fox will never have to make another TV appearance without taking his embryo pill first.

 

I'm guessing stem cells from Lenin and John Holmes probably aren't viable anymore?

Crap!
 

I think for the good of the people we should take all Parkinsons carriers and put them in the peoples bar as martini mixers. They can be useful if for the peoples good.

I like two olives.


Stoshu
 

The Nixon stem cells are strictly for military use only.
 

Note to Progressive Comrades:

    The peasant Fox has indeed been extremely useful in the Party's Revolution.  However, said usefulness is now expended.  Fox and those with other genetic, or incurred defects (physical and mental) are not conducive to The Greater Good.  Now safely in power, the Party views these individuals as a burden on the People as they can provide no taxable base.  The State will commence 'Operation: Go Toward the Bright Light' early this year by 'sheparding' these non-contributing members into a peat moss harvesting work camp in Antarctica.  MJ Fox will be appointed Chairperson for the People's Peat Moss Production Facility while posthumous honors will be awarded to Christopher Reeves to provide an aura of true legitimacy.  

PS  Did anybody else 'acquire' a rash at the Jimmy/James ISG blowout?
     Any helpful hints would be appreciated as I am a little nervous about  
     the 'one-way ticket' policy of the People's Health Care Centers.
 

Quote:

PS  Did anybody else 'acquire' a rash at the Jimmy/James ISG blowout?
    Any helpful hints would be appreciated as I am a little nervous about  
    the 'one-way ticket' policy of the People's Health Care Centers.

Glad I'm not the only one.  I knew it was a mistake letting Comrade Clinton chair the Entertainment Committee.

I checked with Comrade Hathaway.  He said it's Lyme Disease.  I'm skeptical.

In true Party fashion, I've found the best way to handle 'social issues' like this is to blame the RepugliKKKans.
 

Georg Epikacs

PS  Did anybody else 'acquire' a rash at the Jimmy/James ISG blowout?
     Any helpful hints would be appreciated as I am a little nervous about  
     the 'one-way ticket' policy of the People's Health Care Centers.

Georg, you were pretty drunk and we all told you that Mindy (whose real name is Hank) was a transient prostitute with a number of STDs. But you didn't listen and now Lenin only knows what that rash is. If I were you, I would head on down to a free clinic for some tranquilizers and pain medication...you're going to need it...trust me.
 

Quote:

In true Party fashion, I've found the best way to handle 'social issues' like this is to blame the RepugliKKKans.


Good advice Comrade!  Marx only knows why I didn't think of it myself, probably the constant itching.
 

Quote:

Georg, you were pretty drunk and we all told you that Mindy (whose real name is Hank) was a transient prostitute with a number of STDs. But you didn't listen and now Lenin only knows what that rash is.

Maybe if we called it the People's Hero Rash, everyone else would want it and equality would once again rule!  And I will take your advice and cut back on the vodka.
 

First of all, federally-funded embryonic stem cells will soon treat all maladies, including headaches and hemorrhoids, let alone sexually transmitted diseases. A simple embryonic stem cell patch on any part of your body will miraculously bring you back to life without the need to feed Big Pharmaceutical corporations that will soon become obsolete and taxed/sued into the oblivion.



In the unlikely case that doesn't happen. the best solution will be indeed to make everybody have the same disease as everybody else. The Great Rash of the People will be a perfect equalizer for the masses. In fact, the liberal establishment has been working on it since 1960s under the code name "The Great Patriotic Redistribution of Herpes."
 

Someday, Lupé wish to have tenth abortion so that the people may walk again. Oh how Lupé will feel to see Miss Nancy reign forever!
 

The Democratic party has a demotic disease and it's called education. Where no expense is spared to make sure that children know nothing but are indoctrinated with received leftist opinion, to make little marching minions of people who have been lobotomized without with the aid of an actual surgical instrument--for that might grow back. But whose minds have been utterly closed against, oh, say reason.

The best defense against people who might not want your clammy touch interfering in their lives and to perpetuate their wet dream of constant, eternal meddling is to make sure that there is a slave class read and waiting and receptive.

And when we're all whining, and set against each other, there will be endless opportunities for human maggots to interfere.
 

More bumper sticker ideas from Julia Gorin -



It seems we're on to developing a whole series of cute touchy-feely barby-doll car bumper stickers meant to re-educate the onlookers and drivers who have had the misfortune to get stuck behind your ass in traffic.

The style and the content would satisfy even such selectively non-judgmental critics as Margaret and Kathy (Prof. Kurgman's favorite graduate student).
 

I like the ancient one ca 1980: "Chappaquiddick killed more people than Three Mile Island."