Red caps and gowns: would you have expected anything less from us, comrades?"
Another semester has ended here in the progressive, sub-alpine village of Boulder, Colorado. The always hilarious Bill Maher (my buddy Ward's favorite comedian) has delivered the commencement address, wryly peppered with side-splitters about our half-witted President. Once again, our halls of higher learning have disgorged a fresh class of graduates out into the dog-eat-dog world of capitalist wage slavery. Hopefully, the seeds of collectivism that my colleagues and I so insidiously sowed in their minds will sprout into thorns in the side of the bourgeoisie!
Unfortunately, Marx's sacrosanct creed "from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs" has been downgraded to a hollow platitude by "fashion radicals," who try to look the part and parrot socialist rhetoric to seem au courant, but rarely put their money where their collective mouth is. You shouldn't have much trouble finding one of these!
Unlike those dilettantes, I intend to put the creed into practice in my classroom by redistributing grade points in a more equitable manner. University administrators, still too overawed by the conservative power structure, have deemed it too extreme to dismantle the traditional collegiate grading system, with its ten-point scale and corresponding letter grades. Nevertheless, they have invested me with the power to "subtract" points from the grades of certain students and "award" them to others on the basis of need.
For too long, disadvantaged students have been left behind by an unfair system that rewards the bourgeois values of diligence and discipline. Changes are necessary for a myriad of reasons. Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) is affecting the majority of today's young adults. In addition, some students are, shall we say, less cerebrally endowed than their peers (being gifted, of course, in other, equally vital ways). So why should the students who possess greater "book smarts" receive preferential treatment if their intellectual faculties are merely an "accident of birth?"
Several other mitigating factors affect a student's performance. Grandparents pass away (sometimes all four in one semester), drop-outs abscond with their roommates' computers, and even alien abductions have been known to occur on occasion. Furthermore, certain students may decide that staying out all night carousing is more important than studying. Who am I to judge them? As a progressive, I understand that such convivial behavior is an integral part of someone's personal development.
It's time that we require the "A" and "B" students to give something back to the class as a whole. Towards this end, I intend to lower their grades to "C"s. Then, I will add the points subtracted from their scores to those of the "D" and "F" students to raise them up to "C"s as well. The average will stay the same, but the individual outcome will be every utopian's dream: Equality of Result!
I will have the discretion to make exceptions to this general rule. For instance, my favorite students (those who go the extra mile to show their devotion to the progressive cause) will be given "A"s. Male and unattractive female students can demonstrate the requisite zeal by joining socialist organizations on campus or by performing certain tasks for the professor, such as running errands for him, doing his laundry, or cutting his grass. Desirable female students need do nothing more than come by the professor's house for a private lesson on what it means to sacrifice oneself for the Greater Good™. Conversely, any student who refuses to abandon his or her conservative or libertarian biases will receive a "D" or an "F," depending on the degree of their ideological intransigence.
This should teach the students a valuable lesson of progressive morality, fairness, collectivism, and sacrifice, preparing them for the life in the future society we are building for them. I can't wait for next semester.
Derek KrugerP.S. Do you have any athletic photos of yourself?
Derek KrugerAs a fellow academic I applaud your forward thinking! I have attempted similar actions at my institution, but have been thwarted by the Bible-Belt hegemony. I long for the days that this practice will be adopted universally, and lines of deserving students line up outside my front door prepared to sacrifice for the common good.
Leonid Fuku"The three mandatory circles of education"
ParasiteAlright, this is getting a little too homoerotic for my tastes.
Quote:The scores never increased as bickering, blame, name calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else. All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great; but when government takes all the reward away; no one will try or want to succeed.
Red SquareI got this in the mail today. Looks like Professor Palimpsest has some followers:
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