The 2008 Presidential election is just around the corner. We can't run our capitalist puppet Bush for a third time, Cheney's been compromised, so we've got to find some other incarnation of evil to run, to preserve both the Empire and our undeserved hegemony. The Left has competent, well-respected, and ethical statesmen who've risen up from the unwashed masses during the Bush years. The downtrodden are fed up with our imperialist wars and with the destruction of the planet for the sake of our boldfaced greed. We need a new sinister plan!
As every capitalist oppressor knows, the workers are lazy, insipid, intellectually stunted mongrels that only understand the issues of the day in the most animalistic, range-of-the-moment terms. And I give you my capitalist word that the workers would vote for Empire if we were to package it right.
If we learn to speak the truth to the masses we can steal a march on the Left! But speak the truth? Many a capitalist would say it's impossible. Before you shoot me as a traitor, answer a simple question: can we, the Capitalist Class Republicans, win in '08 by resorting to the same old lies and fear mongering? Not when the magnificent Hillary Clinton herself is running for office!
I have devised a plan that is insidious and creepy enough for broad masses of oppressors. I call it the Let's Do Empire Right! plan. It requires that we speak the whole truth of our sinister plans for the country. I can already hear objections: what in the world can a white male capitalist say to the groups and classes of minorities whom he regularly oppresses? Don't worry my fellow oppressors! Our truth will blow those damn Socialists in the Democratic Party right out of the water!
The Socialists may mouth platitudes about equality, but whenever they come to power they always create privileged elites of Socialist aristocrats. The Party that is obsessed with the destruction of class is the most class-conscious of us all. So we'll tell the masses about what really happens when Socialists gain total power - the inevitable creation of a class of elite apparatchiks and commissars and the almost impenetrable circle of their close friends and family members known as Socialist aristocracy. If this is what the masses want when they vote for Socialists, this is what we will offer them. Only we will do it much better because Capitalism has and will always be more efficient than Socialism, even if it's the creation of Socialist aristocracy! The Left will never have the guts to speak of it openly, but we will! The Democrats won't know what hit them!
Let's look at history. Julius Caesar was a champion of the workers long before he declared himself the first Roman Emperor. He was disgusted with his own wealthy class of aristocrats. When he ran for the Senate he appealed to the workers, the Plebeian Party, kindly offering reforms, bread, and circus. He saw, however, that he couldn't really help the oppressed without forcing the hegemonic Patrician Party to the will of the workers. So he devised a brilliant plan to help the poor. After he defeated Gaul, Caesar returned to Rome a popular war hero, crossed the Rubicon, defeated the Patrician Party's army, destroyed the old republic, and made himself Emperor - all in order to help the oppressed workers and peasants.
Back then one was not ashamed to call himself an Emperor as long as he represented the interests of the working classes. It's only in the modern age that the Leftist elite have to pretend not to be royalty - like Fidel Castro.
In any other age Fidel Castro would be known as the King of Cuba. If ownership means the right to use and dispose of something, then Castro owns Cuba just as much as any king in history owned his country and its resources. The Cubans are as much his subjects as any king's subjects ever were.
Or take North Korea. In any other day and age it would be known as the Kingdom of Kim. Remember the Ceausescus? Were they anything but modern-day royalty? Closer to home, here in America what presidency was known as Camelot? Do you think the Left viewed the Kennedy administration in those terms by accident? They love the concept of royalty and aristocracy. And as for the Clintons - would the Left have denied them absolute power? They would have welcomed it! Steven Spielberg mouthed it for everybody: Bill Clinton should be King!
They want a strongman with unlimited power who'll force society to their bidding. That's why Marxist Hollywood actors swoon over Castro. The difference is that erstwhile royalty ruled by the absolute divine right of kings, but the modern royalty rules by the absolute divine right of the Common Good, which is for practical purposes the same thing. In his incendiary documentary on Moonbats and Cindy Sheehan, Red Square called socialism "a different kind of religion." It may well be a different religion, but it follows all the old rules of established ones. The human condition doesn't change. Like Caesar, the modern-day Socialist kings and queens set up dictatorships for the sake of the downtrodden. If our class is going to hold on to power we must learn from the Left.
In the days of Hurricane Katrina the people of New Orleans waited for a benevolent king to ride in on a white horse and rescue them from the forces of nature. It was their idea of good government, an idea instilled in them by the Socialist-leaning press, politicians, and public figures. All who didn't share that idea had left the city on their own. The remaining ones suffered - because the rightwing extremists known as the Founding Fathers had set up a nation with neither a king nor aristocracy. But who will then take care of the unwashed masses? Surely not the masses themselves! The masses want bread and circus. The oppressed are unhappy with the Founding Fathers' decisions - and the press, Hollywood, and academia are on their side. If a Socialist Kingdom of America is an idea whose time has come, we'll be the first to announce it!
There are only two kinds of government. It's either the rule of law or the rule of man over man. The Founding Fathers favored the rule of law and fought against the rule of man over man. Socialism, on the other hand, seeks to destroy the rule of law for the sake of the Common Good. What's left is the rule of man over man whereby oppressive elites rule over the masses of serfs. If that is what the masses want then that is what they'll get - an American aristocracy. And that is the truth that we'll tell them.
Unlike the Left we don't have to pretend to not be Aristocracy. We can be truthful and say out loud that our plans are to be kings and queens. It's what everyone believes anyway.
All we have to do is trump every promise the Democrats make. We'll tell the people that they have the right to free housing, free food, free entertainment. Our '08 campaign slogan will be Bread and Circus! What's good for Caesar is good for us. We'll campaign on the promise that we'll make the president a King or Queen because only then will we have the power to truly help the needy. We'll tell them what the Left is afraid to say: we plan to rule over you by the Divine Right of Socialism! The media love royalty so they'll just lap it all up. How can the Democrats fight a campaign like that? It's what they've always wanted anyway. Most Democrat Congress-people will jump ship and switch to our side! The Democratic Party will be destroyed for all time.
In order to properly pull this scheme off I've decided that the best person to run for president in '08 is me, $.$. Halliburton. I'm the only one suitable to be trusted with the total power embodied in the office of King. I'm the only person I know who's so incorruptible that he'll use total power for good, enlightened purpose and not be swayed by the personality cults and lickspittle courtiers that are sure to flourish and worship at my feet.
If I'm elected to be His Most Royal Majesty the King of America, Emperor of the Free World and Protector of all Oil Producing Countries We've Occupied with the clear mandate of Bread and Circus for all workers and Landed Estates for my loyalist backers we can be certain to rule for many decades to come, possibly centuries. It would have the added benefit of convincing the Europeans to become vassal states of America so as to receive their own free Bread and Circus. Then in order to pay for it we'll tax the stinking swine till they have to sell themselves into bondage to our landed estates and we'll have free labor growing our food and working our fields in perpetuity.
Let's Do Empire Right!
Wave your flags high! Only in America!
Kommissar BettyWow, ArkanSAUCE has a king?
Quote:…when Congress refuses to act, and as a result, hurts our economy and puts our people at risk, then I have an obligation as President to do what I can without them. (Applause.) I’ve got an obligation to act on behalf of the American people. And I’m not going to stand by while a minority in the Senate puts party ideology ahead of the people that we were elected to serve. (Applause.) Not with so much at stake, not at this make-or-break moment for middle-class Americans. We’re not going to let that happen.
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest
Rubiks & Rubik’s Cube ® used by special individual permission of Seven Town Ltd.
Study finds stunning lack of racial, gender, and economic diversity among middle-class white males
NASA: We're 80% sure about being 20% sure about being 17% sure about being 38% sure about 2014 being the hottest year on record
People holding '$15 an Hour Now' posters sue Democratic party demanding raise to $15 an hour for rendered professional protesting services
Cuba-US normalization: US tourists flock to see Cuba before it gets 'Americanized' and Cubans flock to see the US before it looks like Cuba
White House describes attacks on Sony Pictures as 'spontaneous hacking in response to offensive video mocking Juche and its prophet'
CIA responds to Democrat calls for transparency by releasing the director's cut of The Making Of Obama's Birth Certificate
Biden: 'If I had a Ferguson (hic), it would look like a city'
Obama signs executive order renaming 'looters' to 'undocumented shoppers'
Ethicists agree: two wrongs do make a right so long as Bush did it first
The aftermath of the 'War on Women 2014' finds a new 'Lost Generation' of broken and disillusioned Democrat politicians, unable to cope with life out of office
White House: Republican takeover of the Senate is a clear mandate from the American people for President Obama to rule by executive orders
Nurse Kaci Hickox angrily tells reporters that she won't change her clocks for daylight savings time
Democratic Party leaders in panic after recent poll shows most Democratic voters think 'midterm' is when to end pregnancy
Desperate Democratic candidates plead with Obama to stop backing them and instead support their GOP opponents
Ebola Czar issues five-year plan with mandatory quotas of Ebola infections per each state based on voting preferences
Study: crony capitalism is to the free market what the Westboro Baptist Church is to Christianity
Fun facts about world languages: the Left has more words for statism than the Eskimos have for snow
African countries to ban all flights from the United States because "Obama is so incompetent, it scares us"
Nobel Peace Prize controversy: Hillary not nominated despite having done even less than Obama to deserve it
Obama: 'Ebola is the JV of viruses'
BREAKING: Secret Service foils Secret Service plot to protect Obama
Revised 1st Amendment: buy one speech, get the second free
Sharpton calls on white NFL players to beat their women in the interests of racial fairness
President Obama appoints his weekly approval poll as new national security adviser
Obama wags pen and phone at Putin; Europe offers support with powerful pens and phones from NATO members
White House pledges to embarrass ISIS back to the Stone Age with a barrage of fearsome Twitter messages and fatally ironic Instagram photos
Obama to fight ISIS with new federal Terrorist Regulatory Agency
Harry Reid: "Sometimes I say the wong thing"
Elian Gonzalez wishes he had come to the U.S. on a bus from Central America like all the other kids
Obama visits US-Mexican border, calls for a two-state solution
"Hard Choices," a porno flick loosely based on Hillary Clinton's memoir and starring Hillary Hellfire as a drinking, whoring Secretary of State, wildly outsells the flabby, sagging original
Accusations of siding with the enemy leave Sgt. Bergdahl with only two options: pursue a doctorate at Berkley or become a Senator from Massachusetts
Jay Carney stuck in line behind Eric Shinseki to leave the White House; estimated wait time from 15 min to 6 weeks
100% of scientists agree that if man-made global warming were real, "the last people we'd want to help us is the Obama administration"
Jay Carney says he found out that Obama found out that he found out that Obama found out that he found out about the latest Obama administration scandal on the news
"Anarchy Now!" meeting turns into riot over points of order, bylaws, and whether or not 'kicking the #^@&*! ass' of the person trying to speak is or is not violence
Obama retaliates against Putin by prohibiting unionized federal employees from dating hot Russian girls online during work hours
Russian separatists in Ukraine riot over an offensive YouTube video showing the toppling of Lenin statues
Obamacare bolsters employment for professionals with skills to convert meth back into sudafed
Joe Biden to Russia: "We will bury you by turning more of Eastern Europe over to your control!"
In last-ditch effort to help Ukraine, Obama deploys Rev. Sharpton and Rev. Jackson's Rainbow Coalition to Crimea
Al Sharpton: "Not even Putin can withstand our signature chanting, 'racist, sexist, anti-gay, Russian army go away'!"
Mardi Gras in North Korea: "Throw me some food!"
Obama's foreign policy works: "War, invasion, and conquest are signs of weakness; we've got Putin right where we want him"
US offers military solution to Ukraine crisis: "We will only fight countries that have LGBT military"
Putin annexes Brighton Beach to protect ethnic Russians in Brooklyn, Obama appeals to UN and EU for help
The 1980s: "Mr. Obama, we're just calling to ask if you want our foreign policy back. The 1970s are right here with us, and they're wondering, too."
In a stunning act of defiance, Obama courageously unfriends Putin on Facebook
MSNBC: Obama secures alliance with Austro-Hungarian Empire against Russia’s aggression in Ukraine
Efforts to achieve moisture justice for California thwarted by unfair redistribution of snow in America
North Korean voters unanimous: "We are the 100%"
Leader of authoritarian gulag-site, The People's Cube, unanimously 're-elected' with 100% voter turnout
Super Bowl: Obama blames Fox News for Broncos' loss
Beverly Hills campaign heats up between Henry Waxman and Marianne Williamson over the widening income gap between millionaires and billionaires in their district
Biden to lower $10,000-a-plate Dinner For The Homeless to $5,000 so more homeless can attend
Kim becomes world leader, feeds uncle to dogs; Obama eats dogs, becomes world leader, America cries uncle
White House hires part-time schizophrenic Mandela sign interpreter to help sell Obamacare
Kim Jong Un executes own "crazy uncle" to keep him from ruining another family Christmas
OFA admits its advice for area activists to give Obamacare Talk at shooting ranges was a bad idea
President resolves Obamacare debacle with executive order declaring all Americans equally healthy
Obama to Iran: "If you like your nuclear program, you can keep your nuclear program"
Obama: "I'm not particularly ideological; I believe in a good pragmatic five-year plan"
Shocker: Obama had no knowledge he'd been reelected until he read about it in the local newspaper last week
NSA marks National Best Friend Day with official announcement: "Government is your best friend; we know you like no one else, we're always there, we're always willing to listen"
Al Qaeda cancels attack on USA citing launch of Obamacare as devastating enough
The President's latest talking point on Obamacare: "I didn't build that"
Carney: huge ObamaCare deductibles won't look as bad come hyperinflation
Washington Redskins drop 'Washington' from their name as offensive to most Americans
Poll: 83% of Americans favor cowboy diplomacy over rodeo clown diplomacy
Obama administration gets serious, threatens Syria with ObamaCare
Obama authorizes the use of Vice President Joe Biden's double-barrel shotgun to fire a couple of blasts at Syria
Sharpton: "British royals should have named baby 'Trayvon.' By choosing 'George' they sided with white Hispanic racist Zimmerman"
Nancy Pelosi extends abortion rights to the birds and the bees
Hubble discovers planetary drift to the left
Obama: 'If I had a daughter-in-law, she would look like Rachael Jeantel'
FISA court rubberstamps statement denying its portrayal as government's rubber stamp
Every time ObamaCare gets delayed, a Julia somewhere dies
GOP to Schumer: 'Force full implementation of ObamaCare before 2014 or Dems will never win another election'
Janet Napolitano: TSA findings reveal that since none of the hijackers were babies, elderly, or Tea Partiers, 9/11 was not an act of terrorism
News Flash: Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA) can see Canada from South Dakota
Drudge Report reduces font to fit all White House scandals onto one page
Obama: the IRS is a constitutional right, just like the Second Amendment
Jay Carney to critics: 'Pinocchio never said anything inconsistent'
Obama: If I had a gay son, he'd look like Jason Collins
IRS targeting pro-gay-marriage LGBT groups leads to gayest tax revolt in U.S. history
Boston: Obama Administration to reclassify marathon bombing as 'sportsplace violence'
Study: Success has many fathers but failure becomes a government program
Michelle Obama praises weekend rampage by Chicago teens as good way to burn calories and stay healthy
This Passover, Obama urges his subjects to paint lamb's blood above doors in order to avoid the Sequester
White House to American children: Sequester causes layoffs among hens that lay Easter eggs; union-wage Easter Bunnies to be replaced by Mexican Chupacabras
Time Mag names Hugo Chavez world's sexiest corpse
Boy, 8, pretends banana is gun, makes daring escape from school
Study: Free lunches overpriced, lack nutrition
Joe Salazar defends the right of women to be raped in gun-free environment: 'rapists and rapees should work together to prevent gun violence for the common good'
Dept. of Health and Human Services eliminates rape by reclassifying assailants as 'undocumented sex partners'
Deeming football too violent, Obama moves to introduce Super Drone Sundays instead
Japan offers to extend nuclear umbrella to cover U.S. should America suffer devastating attack on its own defense spending
Feminists organize one billion women to protest male oppression with one billion lap dances
Urban community protests Mayor Bloomberg's ban on extra-large pop singers owning assault weapons
Concerned with mounting death toll, Taliban offers to send peacekeeping advisers to Chicago
Karl Rove puts an end to Tea Party with new 'Republicans For Democrats' strategy aimed at losing elections
Answering public skepticism, President Obama authorizes unlimited drone attacks on all skeet targets throughout the country
Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to 'Traps'
New York Times hacked by Chinese government, Paul Krugman's economic policies stolen
White House: when President shoots skeet, he donates the meat to food banks that feed the middle class
To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead
State Dept to send 100,000 American college students to China as security for US debt obligations
Jay Carney: Al Qaeda is on the run, they're just running forward
Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects
World ends; S&P soars
Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood
Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway
Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013
As Santa's workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of 'naughty and nice' list
Freak flying pig accident causes bacon to fly off shelves
Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future
Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs
Imam Rauf's peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'
Study: Obama's threat to burn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties
Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years
Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh
Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild"
Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness
Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke
Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights
Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse'
Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't
Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost
White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus
Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed
Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom"
Obama refutes charges of him being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?"
Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!
Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'
Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'
People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies
Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"
Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law
Enraged by accusation that they are doing Obama's bidding, media leaders demand instructions from White House on how to respond
Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff thereof
Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels
Poll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi Party
May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above
Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"
Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name
Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich
Cancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"
Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory
White House: "Let them eat statistics"
Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama
It's Big Fur Hat
The Fine Report
Sad Hill News
Looking at the Left
Red Planet Cartoons
Death By 1000 Papercuts