Let's Do Empire Right!

The 2008 Presidential election is just around the corner. We can't run our capitalist puppet Bush for a third time, Cheney's been compromised, so we've got to find some other incarnation of evil to run, to preserve both the Empire and our undeserved hegemony. The Left has competent, well-respected, and ethical statesmen who've risen up from the unwashed masses during the Bush years. The downtrodden are fed up with our imperialist wars and with the destruction of the planet for the sake of our boldfaced greed. We need a new sinister plan!

As every capitalist oppressor knows, the workers are lazy, insipid, intellectually stunted mongrels that only understand the issues of the day in the most animalistic, range-of-the-moment terms. And I give you my capitalist word that the workers would vote for Empire if we were to package it right.

If we learn to speak the truth to the masses we can steal a march on the Left! But speak the truth? Many a capitalist would say it's impossible. Before you shoot me as a traitor, answer a simple question: can we, the Capitalist Class Republicans, win in '08 by resorting to the same old lies and fear mongering? Not when the magnificent Hillary Clinton herself is running for office!

I have devised a plan that is insidious and creepy enough for broad masses of oppressors. I call it the Let's Do Empire Right! plan. It requires that we speak the whole truth of our sinister plans for the country. I can already hear objections: what in the world can a white male capitalist say to the groups and classes of minorities whom he regularly oppresses? Don't worry my fellow oppressors! Our truth will blow those damn Socialists in the Democratic Party right out of the water!

The Socialists may mouth platitudes about equality, but whenever they come to power they always create privileged elites of Socialist aristocrats. The Party that is obsessed with the destruction of class is the most class-conscious of us all. So we'll tell the masses about what really happens when Socialists gain total power - the inevitable creation of a class of elite apparatchiks and commissars and the almost impenetrable circle of their close friends and family members known as Socialist aristocracy. If this is what the masses want when they vote for Socialists, this is what we will offer them. Only we will do it much better because Capitalism has and will always be more efficient than Socialism, even if it's the creation of Socialist aristocracy! The Left will never have the guts to speak of it openly, but we will! The Democrats won't know what hit them!

Caesar, Emperor of Rome

Joseph, Emperor of Russia

Fidel, King of Cuba

Kim, King of Korea

John, King of Camelot

William, King of Arkansas

Let's look at history. Julius Caesar was a champion of the workers long before he declared himself the first Roman Emperor. He was disgusted with his own wealthy class of aristocrats. When he ran for the Senate he appealed to the workers, the Plebeian Party, kindly offering reforms, bread, and circus. He saw, however, that he couldn't really help the oppressed without forcing the hegemonic Patrician Party to the will of the workers. So he devised a brilliant plan to help the poor. After he defeated Gaul, Caesar returned to Rome a popular war hero, crossed the Rubicon, defeated the Patrician Party's army, destroyed the old republic, and made himself Emperor - all in order to help the oppressed workers and peasants.

Back then one was not ashamed to call himself an Emperor as long as he represented the interests of the working classes. It's only in the modern age that the Leftist elite have to pretend not to be royalty - like Fidel Castro.

In any other age Fidel Castro would be known as the King of Cuba. If ownership means the right to use and dispose of something, then Castro owns Cuba just as much as any king in history owned his country and its resources. The Cubans are as much his subjects as any king's subjects ever were.

Or take North Korea. In any other day and age it would be known as the Kingdom of Kim. Remember the Ceausescus? Were they anything but modern-day royalty? Closer to home, here in America what presidency was known as Camelot? Do you think the Left viewed the Kennedy administration in those terms by accident? They love the concept of royalty and aristocracy. And as for the Clintons - would the Left have denied them absolute power? They would have welcomed it! Steven Spielberg mouthed it for everybody: Bill Clinton should be King!

They want a strongman with unlimited power who'll force society to their bidding. That's why Marxist Hollywood actors swoon over Castro. The difference is that erstwhile royalty ruled by the absolute divine right of kings, but the modern royalty rules by the absolute divine right of the Common Good, which is for practical purposes the same thing. In his incendiary documentary on Moonbats and Cindy Sheehan, Red Square called socialism "a different kind of religion." It may well be a different religion, but it follows all the old rules of established ones. The human condition doesn't change. Like Caesar, the modern-day Socialist kings and queens set up dictatorships for the sake of the downtrodden. If our class is going to hold on to power we must learn from the Left.

In the days of Hurricane Katrina the people of New Orleans waited for a benevolent king to ride in on a white horse and rescue them from the forces of nature. It was their idea of good government, an idea instilled in them by the Socialist-leaning press, politicians, and public figures. All who didn't share that idea had left the city on their own. The remaining ones suffered - because the rightwing extremists known as the Founding Fathers had set up a nation with neither a king nor aristocracy. But who will then take care of the unwashed masses? Surely not the masses themselves! The masses want bread and circus. The oppressed are unhappy with the Founding Fathers' decisions - and the press, Hollywood, and academia are on their side. If a Socialist Kingdom of America is an idea whose time has come, we'll be the first to announce it!

There are only two kinds of government. It's either the rule of law or the rule of man over man. The Founding Fathers favored the rule of law and fought against the rule of man over man. Socialism, on the other hand, seeks to destroy the rule of law for the sake of the Common Good. What's left is the rule of man over man whereby oppressive elites rule over the masses of serfs. If that is what the masses want then that is what they'll get - an American aristocracy. And that is the truth that we'll tell them.

Unlike the Left we don't have to pretend to not be Aristocracy. We can be truthful and say out loud that our plans are to be kings and queens. It's what everyone believes anyway.

All we have to do is trump every promise the Democrats make. We'll tell the people that they have the right to free housing, free food, free entertainment. Our '08 campaign slogan will be Bread and Circus! What's good for Caesar is good for us. We'll campaign on the promise that we'll make the president a King or Queen because only then will we have the power to truly help the needy. We'll tell them what the Left is afraid to say: we plan to rule over you by the Divine Right of Socialism! The media love royalty so they'll just lap it all up. How can the Democrats fight a campaign like that? It's what they've always wanted anyway. Most Democrat Congress-people will jump ship and switch to our side! The Democratic Party will be destroyed for all time.

In order to properly pull this scheme off I've decided that the best person to run for president in '08 is me, $.$. Halliburton. I'm the only one suitable to be trusted with the total power embodied in the office of King. I'm the only person I know who's so incorruptible that he'll use total power for good, enlightened purpose and not be swayed by the personality cults and lickspittle courtiers that are sure to flourish and worship at my feet.

If I'm elected to be His Most Royal Majesty the King of America, Emperor of the Free World and Protector of all Oil Producing Countries We've Occupied with the clear mandate of Bread and Circus for all workers and Landed Estates for my loyalist backers we can be certain to rule for many decades to come, possibly centuries. It would have the added benefit of convincing the Europeans to become vassal states of America so as to receive their own free Bread and Circus. Then in order to pay for it we'll tax the stinking swine till they have to sell themselves into bondage to our landed estates and we'll have free labor growing our food and working our fields in perpetuity.

Let's Do Empire Right!

Wave your flags high! Only in America!