How did the ancient mass media report the alleged birth of Christ? The People's Cube prepared the following compilation of quotes from the Roman and Judean sources, which should help our readers to form an unbiased opinion of what really happened in the days surrounding the so-called Christmas
Dear Iranian Mullahs! While our satirical website and your Propaganda Directorate deal in the same trade of making up facts and exaggerating reality, we are different in that we can recognize a spoof - but you apparently can't. On Dec. 27, 2007 you used our spoof image on your propaganda website to illustrate a "true" statement that Jews are welcome in Iran and that Western reports about mass emigration of Iranian Jews are "lies spread by the Zionist hegemony."
Visit our special "Merry Solstice" page for more holiday awareness, progressive depression, and collective self-criticism. Disturbing music and upsetting graphics from Visual Agitation Directorate will bring true holiday feeling down where it belongs with new and old material, a message from Che Guevara dressed as an elf, and new Holiday songs from the Goremon Choir:
Having been named 'Person of the Year 2007' by an American magazine that invariably supports progressive candidates, soon-to-be Russian ex-President, Vladimir Putin, is now listening to political consultants advising him to start a vigorous campaign in Iowa and New Hampshire as the strongest candidate on the Democratic ticket in 2008.
"Every Democratic contender promises to change America," says General Yezhov, a member of Putin PAC and Chairman of the Putin Presidential Exploratory Committee. "If change is what the Americans want, Putin can give it to them better than any other candidate. And trust me, it won't be some cosmetic do-over - it will be a change that's final and irreversible. We challenge all the activists who talk about change to put their money where their mouth is and support Vladimir Putin for American President."
Last Sunday, Frosty the Snowperson sat down with George Stephanopoulos on ABC's "This Week with George Stephanopoulos" for a heated interview that is making headlines across the nation. The People's Cube has obtained a transcript:
Stephanopoulos: Anyone who is familiar with the popular holiday song "Frosty the Snowman" knows how it ends. Withering under the heat of the midday sun, a melting Frosty tries to bolster the spirit of his mournful, adolescent friends, exclaiming: "Don't you cry, I'll be back again some day." Well, that day has come. Frosty has returned and has entered the Presidential race as the Green Party candidate, vowing to sweep New Hampshire with his own broomstick.
(DES MOINES, IOWA) A middle-age Iowa voter has filed a $12 million lawsuit against both Hillary and Bill Clinton for mental whiplash. According to papers filed yesterday in Iowa's Supreme Court, Andrew Wynehart has asked that the Clintons compensate him for lost wages, medical bills and emotional distress as a result of a series of mental injuries sustained repeatedly over the last six weeks. These injuries, termed "mental whiplash," have been defined by Wynehart's lawyers as, "the coherent, unexpected misdirection of the brain leading to cranial blur."
It has come to the Party's attention that that some of us still use F-words on the People's Cube forums and in private lives - including even high-ranking Party members, as our surveillance tapes indicate. This calls for an emergency intervention.
Following the misery inflicted on Islam by a toy bear that ended up with calls for the execution of an English woman, more Muslims are stepping forward with stories of long-suppressed emotional trauma imposed on them by so-called reality. This has led to the creation of support groups and social networks that help followers of the Prophet Mohammed cope with the agony of learning about life outside of their immediate environment, offering assistance with technical resources, practical guidance, and strategies for early intervention and punishment of those who offend Islam.
We are not going to assume that the hostage-taker is indeed an angry White male who engages in heterosexual activity and is a registered Republican, an avid church-goer, and a member of the NRA for purely political gain. We just aren't going to do it...
Shockwaves are reverberating throughout the art world following the amazing discovery of abstract ancient Greek statues and paintings that resemble today's modern art and apparently are its long-lost forerunners.
"This finally proves my theory that the so-called 'aesthetically pleasing' 'classical art' with its 'proportions' and 'perfection' is a fraud and never really existed," says Columbia University professor Dan Browny. "It is a scientific fact now, that art has always been about a random grouping of disturbing shapes that required no special skills or training, and that intent is more important than result."
IOWA - A day after Russian police beat up and arrested the opposition leader Garry Kasparov, the Bush Administration followed suit and ordered a beating and arrest of Hillary Clinton, Ushanka news agency reports. Former First Lady Hillary Clinton was picked up and sentenced to five days in prison on Sunday, during a campaign stop in Iowa that ended in clashes with police. One of Bush's harshest critics, she was charged with organizing an unsanctioned procession, chanting pro-Big-Government slogans and resisting arrest, court documents said.
As much as I abhor Christianity, I occasionally attend progressive churches in my community - as long as the pastor expounds on socialism and its variants like environmental causes, and the rights of the oppressed masses of gays, wymyn, African-Americans, Palestinians, Hugo Chavez, and Hezbollah. Our local pastor, thank Lenin, rarely talks about anything else. He even asked me, a Marxist, to compose a prayer for this week's Thanksgiving sermon. Now, everybody knows that Thanksgiving observance does nothing more than perpetuate the Holocaust of the Native American. What positive meaning could be found in such a grotesquely shameful holiday? Well, my admirable laser-sharp mind of an economist with three PhDs immediately found a brilliant, socially significant answer. I wrote a prayer thanking God for the gift of government, and thanking the government for the gift of taxes.
Right-wing Gateway Pundit reports that the communist narco-terrorist group FARC (Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia) released a calendar for 2007-2008 with a FARC terrorist babe on the cover and also posted "Babes of FARC" on their website promoting the people's cause. A typical American male, G. Pundit titled his post Terror Teaser: Babes of FARC Heat Up Colombian Jungle. All his dirty chauvinist mind could register was the communist version of Playboy and the sexploitation of FARC Bunnies whom he puts down to the level of imperialist Playboy Bunnies. Not so fast, comrade! Does "diversity training" ring any bells?
Don't touch that dial, Americans! We have program for you! When a mammoth Soviet satellite infringes on the tiny SCTV orbiter (complete with hot dog rotisserie), the network is taken over by CCCP1, or "3CP1 on your dial, Russian Television." USSR programming to America is then beamed by The People's Cube predecessors from 1981-82 season of SCTV (Second City Television) in Canada (NBC in the US). The program includes the Talking Tractor...
In a recent post, our Party Organ Donor Ivan Betinov described his "disturbing and traumatic experience" caused by a phone answering system that directed him to "press one for English" and "PRESS TWO FOR SPANISH." Being a "differently bodied" Comrade in a Jar, Betinov was outraged by this country's continued attempts to make second-class citizens out of our undocumented worker population. He then brilliantly suggested that it was demeaning always to relegate them to "number two" status, not to mention other non-English speakers. This got me thinking: why is the "number 1" always given such status? Should not all numbers be treated as equals?
Do you see the dancer turning clockwise or anti-clockwise? The Australian Herald Sun presents it as the Right Brain vs Left Brain test, providing a list of the corresponding right/left brain functions. If you see the movement as clockwise, you allegedly use more of the right side and vice versa, though coming from a place where even water flushes in reverse, this can mean quite the opposite. We, however, see this optical illusion as an unexpectedly simple way to describe the complex mechanism of adding subjective spin to objective reality. It also sheds light on the darker sides of human condition and the roots of human conflicts.
"Russia's ruling party is trying to lure voters in upcoming elections with free bottles of vodka and other gifts, campaigners from two non-governmental groups said..."
To be sure, our own Commisarka Pinkie volunteered to investigate...
Halloween: The People's Glossary™ HALLOWEEN: A progressive international holiday. On this day, in the countries of non-capitalist economic sector, workers and peasants under the leadership of Great Leaders commemorate all the dead communists who, in the name of human progress, died at the hands of other communists as well as non-communists - and also dead non-communists who died in the glorious class struggle for human progress, at the hands of communists and by non-communists alike. In the 20th century alone, victorious ideas of human progress helped hundreds of millions of people to advance from life towards death, so that new generations could enjoy even more progress in the name of advancement.
SOUTH AFRICA - For generations, members of the impoverished baboon community in the Cape peninsula have suffered from inequality, forced to live in deplorable conditions on the margins of the simian society with no access to education, subsidized housing, and universal healthcare - but this paradigm is about to shift. The baboons - whom scientists describe as the most economically oppressed minority among the primates - are finally fighting back, forcing homo sapiens to rethink their place in the diverse biosphere they had exploited for too long without giving back.
A report released by the Pentagon confirms rumors that popular international terrorist Ernesto Guevara, better known under the nickname "Che" has been captured in a safe house south of Baghdad, during a routine raid operation conducted jointly by the new Iraqi police and the US Marines. His identity was immediately established by comparing his face to one of the Che Guevara T-shirts that lay scattered around the safe house.
(LONDON) A decade-long rumor was confirmed today when it was announced that Hillary Clinton has insured her piano legs for $10 million with Lloyds of London. Until yesterday the public had only known of Hillary's piano legs through anecdotal evidence because no known pictures of them existed. For example, in March 2006 Chris Matthews of MSNBC's Hardball called Hillary, "Dukakis in a dress," and noted that she has better calves than former Democratic Presidential nominee Michael Dukakis.
A while ago The People's Cube obtained a draft of Al Gore's Nobel acceptance speech to be read in full, uninterrupted by music, with minor adjustments for the current local weather, at Oslo City Hall, where Al Gore has received a Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts in putting Global Warming on the front burner of class struggle. Below is the full text (a flashback from the Oscars)...
Did you know that the boy whom Putin kissed learned to fly? Or that Putin can browse the Internet with an abacus? Or that on his birthday critics drop dead from thinking bad thoughts about Putin? Each year spent in the Kremlin makes the Motherland's President stronger, endowing him with more superpowers unbeknownst to man. For years, Party-approved rumors about Putin's supernatural abilities have been spreading over the internet in the Mother tongue. To translate them into the language of soulless capitalist oppressors is an idea whose time has come! If not now, when?
A final attempt for a one-sided compromise between Serbs and Albanians on the status of Kosovo ended abruptly Wednesday, the fourth day of face-to-face negotiations in New York, when the Albanian delegation opened fire on the Serbian delegation, killing everyone. The international community condemned the resulting Serbian intransigence, but hailed the meeting as an overall success. "This is more proof that self-determination for Kosovo Albanians is the only rational solution," said American envoy Frank Wisner. President Bush announced that the so-called massacre of the Serbian delegation has made it necessary once again to bomb Serbia and teach those nationalists a lesson.
NEW YORK - Sept. 24, 2007. It was a pleasant sunny day in New York - just like the one on 9/11 six years ago. Peace activists gathered outside Columbia University to support Iranian President's speech on campus, anticipating a great leap forward towards World Peace™ and a glorious blow to American imperialism.
Supporters of international socialism stood side by side with supporters of the international caliphate - against the crowd of Jews and other agents of the international Zionist conspiracy who descended on the corner of Broadway and E 116th Street to oppose Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and steal his oil.
Fame and fortune are a magnet They can pull you far away from home And if you get caught you’re all alone Dreams turn into dust and blow away And there you are, Hill's not your friend You board Amtrak and ride away...
It was only a matter of time before the so-called "Iranian President" Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would be unmasked as the biggest hoax in the history of television, perpetrated by Brooklyn comic Misha Braslavsky, a cable TV buffoon exploiting Western stereotypes of "evil Islamic radicalism."
Looking back, we can only laugh at our unblinking acceptance of Ahmadinejad, an "Islamist hard-liner" dressed like a Turkish used car salesman, who called to wipe Israel off the map or move it to Alaska, demanded a manual recount of Holocaust victims, and banned all Western music. His retractions were even more bizarre: "CNN make lie! I send squeegees to help Israel, not 'Wipe off Israel!' Who translated, I kill him!"
NEW YORK - Columbia University president Lee Bollinger confirmed plans to go forward with a speech by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad aimed at helping the progressive academic community better to understand their role in the Global War on U.S. Imperialism. "We are preparing some hard-ball questions that would force Iran's President to tell us more about his rich experience in purging academia and creating a perfectly uniform intellectual climate of diversity," stated Bollinger. "We are so committed to intellectual diversity that we spare no effort to silence the hate-mongering vitriol by our right-wing critics - and few people know about that more than our honored guest," Bollinger said, adding that "only an anti-intellectual bigot would oppose a speech by a distinguished Islamic scholar whose metaphysical insights into holocausts illuminate the massive genocides of the 20th century for all of us."
Few of us realize that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is an avid singer and has been secretly practicing karaoke in an padded bunker underneath Tehran's political prison, sometimes having inmates serve as captive audience. He dresses them up as American tourists, steps into the spotlight with a mic, closes his eyes, and imagines himself singing on Broadway as the guards quietly pistol-whip the inmates to ensure continuous applause and standing ovations. Upon hearing his rendition of the Great American Satan Songbook most political opponents promise never to sin against his regime again.
University of South Carolina students attending a John Kerry speech ran for their lives as security guards opened fire on them. Nobody was hurt, but several students were trampled in the rush for the exits. Kerry aides downplayed the incident: "Do you think we'd seriously murder a bunch of college brats? We just wanted to scare them a bit; they were being insolent, asking questions about the ties between Hillary Healthcare plan and some Skull and Bones Society of which I never heard before."
The New York Times, accused of political bias for running - at a steep price discount of $102,000 - an anti-war ad insulting the top U.S. commander in Iraq, defended itself by claiming they were only giving back to the community. "When our circulation is falling and our stock is in the toilet, the last thing we need is to be blacklisted as patriots, supporters of the war against terrorists, Bush's puppets, or proponents of capitalism and free markets," a Times editor told us on condition of anonymity, explaining that 'giving back to the community' in the progressive vernacular means a kickback to an activist group for keeping someone off the black list of thoughtcriminals engaging in corporate conspiracy.
From today's email: Komrades, I liberated your "Che is Dead" concept, and displayed it for the glorious edification of the masses at the Gathering of Eagles III, in Washington, D.C. on September 15, 2007. A number of the proletariat asked, and I have advised them to visit your site. Check out Victory Caucus and you will see the People's sign (properly attributed) under the caption "My favorite sign."
Ah…..I remember those carefree days back in the Summer of 1969 when Bill and I hitchhiked to meet our new friend out at Berkeley, Norman Hsu. ~ Hillary
Good morning Hsu Shine, Hillary says hello There's Winkle bundling, There's Dimple also good morning Hsu Shine, you launder along my ca$h and ME as we sing our early campaign laundry song
Hsu-ooby doobie doobie, cashy ashy stashy la la la - lay low...
Purple Jihad "Dye For Allah" Hair Products & Restoration. Just for Men! Females caught using it shall be severely punished! Colors include • Orange Mayhem • Atomic Pink • Nuclear Red • Napalm Orange • Purple Smoke • Cherry Bomb • Banner of the Prophet • Virgin Rose • Paradise Blue • Pitch Black.
In an effort to clarify his threat-laced seven-page manifesto released on September 7, Osama Bin Laden has sent a threat-laced three-page memo to Al Jazeera, to be read continuously by a Bin Laden look-a-like every hour on the hour. The memo seems to single out Hillary Clinton, whom Bin Laden alternatively calls either "cuckolded blond lady candidate" or "woman who should be wearing a burqa."
Referring to her recent statement that a terror attack between now and the next election would help the Republicans, Bin Laden bitterly responds, "W'll commit an act of terror any time we damn well please."
"But we want a Democrat president as much as you do," Bin Laden continues, suggesting that al-Qaeda might, after all, adhere to Mrs. Clinton's directive and lay off the terror shortly after the primaries, when the main candidates have been selected and the election starts in earnest.
Has the Revolution scored a major point with the conversion of bin Laden to Anarcho-Trotskyism? Who's the useful idiot now? It's getting increasingly hard to tell.
Wait, that didn't sound right. Let me rephrase that. In the meantime, read this exposé by a member of a dangerously extremist organization Right-Wing Muslims for Bush...
Only a woman can add that sensitive touch so lacking in the smash-em-up mentality of the male commentators.
After years of criticism for being a blatantly male-dominated industry, the National Football League has announced an aggressive diversity campaign aimed at ending sexism in professional football. By next season, according to the plan, 20% of all players must be female, with the percentage increasing 10% per year until it reaches the target of 50% in the 2011 season.
In a statement issued today Hillary Clinton mocked John Edwards's statement regarding waiting 20 years to see the doctor: "Ha...Twenty years? My health care plan calls for five minutes in the middle of the night. A simple house call by state doctors and a knock on the door at 3AM when you're given five minutes to pack one suitcase before you are taken by health care professionals to the nearest hospital if the state deems you unhealthy and not fit."
"Mammograms? Hell no, euthanasia. Leave it to the professionals to decide whether you are healthy or not. Simple diagnostic tests, like if you're able to hold a shovel, will determine your general heath."
I found out about your website while listening to Rush Limbaugh the other day. You, guys, are doing an AWESOME job!!! Such creativity and a keen sense of humor can be demonstrated only by someone who has already been exposed to a "progressive thinking" mindset of the former Soviet Union. Kudos to you for standing up for America!!! I'm currently serving in Iraq and will be more than happy to share your works with the rest of the soldiers.
Iraq has failed to meet most of the congressionally mandated benchmarks, says a draft of a report obtained by The People's Cube. "Overall, cure for cancer has not been found, a manned mission to Uranus is being delayed, and it is unclear whether the Iraqi government will ever install gold-plated urinals in Falujah's public toilets," the report says. The document contradicts the Bush administration's conclusion in July that the average number of Iraqi gay-pride parades in urban areas has increased.
If you ever receive this email don't answer it. It's a scam! ========================================= > FROM: MS H.R. CLINTON <SEND_CASH@HILLARYCLINTON.COM> > TO: UNDISCLOSED PROGRESSIVE RECIPIENT > SUBJECT: CONFIDENTIAL DONATION PROPOSAL USD$38.5M > > Dear progressive! I solicit your confidence in this transaction, > this is by virtue of its nature as being utterly CONFIDENTIAL > and TOP SECRET. I am Ms H.R. Clinton, a battered wife of > an impeached president of a certain country sometimes referred > to as Les Etats-Unis d'Amérique. I came to know of you via > Daily Kos member list in my search for a reliable and reputable > person to handle a very confidential transaction which > involves the transfer of a huge sum of money to my campaign fund > requiring maximum confidence.
Nouri al-Maliki offers Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi a last chance.
(BAGHDAD) Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki cautioned yesterday that the United States could face civil war if disunity continues among differing factions in the United States Congress. "If we can trust CNN and the Arabic edition of The New York Times, it's only a matter of time before a civil war breaks out between the red states and the blue states," Maliki said to a hushed audience of Iraqi veterans and their families, suggesting that the fanatical leaders of Congress "be ousted as swiftly as a convicted thief's left hand is separated from his arm in Saudi Arabia."
Have the rumors of Fidel's death been another disappointing counter-revolutionary disinformation? Will the Big Castro-Guevara Reunion Concert be postponed again?
Whatever the case, the Party mandates that Castro shirts be the hottest progressive back-to-school item this season!
A group of Democratic senators and congressmen visiting Iraq, together with a U.S. Marine, got captured by al-Qaeda and brought to a safe house north of Baghdad. The terrorists announce they will behead the captives, but promise to grant each of them a last wish.
In the beginning of summer The People's Cube participated in a poster contest designed by the Center for Security Policy. Need we mention that we have WON? Our prize was a round trip ticket to Paris, France. Although France may be an interesting place to visit, it was not on our list of priorities as this country has already had its revolution and is successfully building socialism...
I've been receiving emails from the oppressed masses since the inception of this Party Organ. Many an exploited toiler, upon discovering the People's Cube, clicked on the "FEEDBACK" button with a calloused finger to share his/her/its excitement, to report a thoughtcrime, or to submit for re-education. Now, once we became exposed on the Rush Limbaugh show, the flow of feedback emails turned into a flood.
Since this Party Organ is a collective effort, I thought I must share some of these emails with all contributing comrades.
Comrades! We have consulted the ghost of our great leader, Karl Marx. He has passed on to us a prophecy of life in the People's Republic of America in the year 2020, after the Revolution will have transformed the miserable capitalist, imperialist, America into a workers' paradise. Most of the prophecy, of course, can only be shared among top Party members. But the great one has given us permission to share the following with the toiling masses. Here are some headlines from the People's newspapers over the course of the year 2020:
Tobacco dealer gets electric chair in California
Poll: Only 39% of college students know that the First Amendment guaranteed equal income
Census: US population tops 500 million; birth rate continues to decline
Museum of Modern People's Art displays room full of post-modern air
If you experienced slow service starting Friday afternoon or encountered the "Service Temporarily Unavailable" screen instead of the People's Cube, it's because of Rush Limbaugh and his listeners.
In addition to being mentioned on his show a few times, the link to the Cube also appeared in his newsletter and on his website...
URGENT ANNOUNCEMENT: Attention workers, peasants, and toiling unwashed intelligentsia! On Monday, July 30, 2007 our Party Organ was spotted by Rush Limbaugh, the biggest neo-imperialist criminal capitalist running dog of them all. The notorious author of See I Told You So described our "Founding Fathers" illustration by saying "It's a great, great, great cartoon because this is how libs see America today." See it here: Story #7: Great Editorial Cartoon on the Founding Fathers. He thought it was a parody!
Music by Paul McCartney, lyrics by Laika the Space Dog (We'll take a Paul's song and make it better)
Che, dude, don't be afraid You were made to be a protester The minute your professor gives you a grin Then you begin to make it better.
And any time your parents complain, Che, dude, refrain They'll carry the tuition upon their shoulders Well don't you know they're all fools and Eichmann's tools Just ask Ward Churchill up at Boulder ...
Showing his more feminine side, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has yielded to the thousands of letters he had received from the readers of girl magazines Seventeen, Tiger Beat, and Teen Vogue, pleading with him that the Senate conducts a sleepover to bring about world peace.
"Like, if the Senate just had more, like you know, sleepovers with S'mores and popcorn they'd realize how icky war is," said a letter from Muffy Binghamton of Canoga Park, California.
CHAPPAQUIDDICK - In a mysterious repetition of a famous drowning car accident, on the same day 39 years later (July 19), another female passenger drowned as a male DWI driver sent his classic 1967 Oldsmobile Delmont off an angled, unlit narrow Dike Bridge without guard rails, onto which he claimed to have made a wrong turn. The car plunged into tide-swept Poucha Pond and landed upside down under the water, drowning the young woman. The male driver got out of the pond, contacted his lawyer, and reported to the police only twenty four hours after the accident.
(CONEY ISLAND) Joey Chestnut's world record shattering total of 66 hot dogs consumed in 12 minutes was overshadowed by Senator Hillary Clinton's first time participation in the annual Coney Island hot dog eating contest.
Mrs. Clinton, Democratic Presidential candidate, shoved down a respectable 49 hot dogs, or one for every Republican in the Senate. Although most fans were rooting for Chestnut or six-time champion Takeru Kobayashi, his Japanese rival, to win, Mrs. Clinton did have at least one fan, a woman carrying a sign, "If you become President, we'll eat hot dogs every day."
On the Fourth of July Americans will be cynically celebrating the greatest setback world progress has ever endured in all of human history. The rest of humankind will, of course, be grieving over the dark day when the United States of America was born. To understand the full scope of this tragedy we must look back at the pre-7/04 world and see what it was like to live on planet Earth before 1776.
Prior to July 4, 1776, not a single person in the world starved, got sick, worked hard for a living, or experienced any pain and anxiety. No one had ever been oppressed or unfairly exploited because the oppressive and unfair American system had not yet been created.
Rosie O'Donnell joins Palestinian death cult. Too bad Saddam is not around to give away $25,000 cash prizes to parents of young suicide bombers. Damn you Neocons! (See Rosie's blog from June 26th, 2007 for explanation).
In view of this development Laika the Space Dog has complimented its earlier masterpiece Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up Jihadis with another karaoke version, Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Rosies.
Human rights group, Human Rights Right This Minute! (HRRTM) has condemned what it calls "inappropriate remarks bordering on racism and bigotry" that came from an English journalist Joe Snuffy as he was beheaded on a recently surfaced Al Qaeda video. The official transcript of the tape attributes to Mr. Snuffy the following statement: "Islam and Mo..." While the rest of the message was censored by Western news agencies out of respect for non-Christian beliefs, human rights watchdogs at HRRTM claim that with the help of hired lip-reading and body-language experts they reconstructed Mr. Snuffy's statement, which appears to contain inflammatory hate speech. "Just as we had suspected all along," says spokesbeing for HRRTM Sarah Fulano.
Nobel Committee Rescinds Arafat's Peace Prize, Gives it to Hamas
(STOCKHØLM) The Nobel Peace Prize Committee has acted to rescind Yasser Arafat's Peace Prize effective immediately, and to give it to Hamas, the Palestinian Sunni Islamist organization currently governing the people of the Palestinian National Authority.
If media corporations were to respect their biggest and most lucrative market - the decent, patriotic, family-oriented, hard-working Americans - wouldn't this trump the rights of every man, woman, or child who happens to be a deviant? What about the America-hating minority? What about all the degenerates, maniacs, crooks, drug addicts, perverts, and leftist radicals who are constitutionally entitled to their daily ration of filth, gore, and conspiracy theories? Have you no sympathy towards the miserable consumers of rubbish who will not go to a movie, turn on the TV, or open a magazine unless it contains smut, violence, and profanities? Who will protect the Depraved-Americans in the hour of their demise?
Giving back to the community: returning stolen goods to the victims of crime while admitting that businesses activity is morally reprehensible as it takes away from the community. Must be universally encouraged. The more a business "gives back to the community," the heavier the aura of shame and guilt on the one side - and the bigger the sense of entitlement on the other. For example:
BUSINESS: "I'm the douchebag that stole a child swing from the poor minority playground - but look, I'm giving it back now." COMMUNITY: "Just put it over there and get out before we hurt you. Wait, I think there was a golden statue of Leon Trotsky in front of that school, make sure you put it back there too!"
Two recently published children's books written by convicted felon Scooter Libby prompted thousands of progressive activists to gather in front of the White House today and demand a presidential pardon for Libby, Dick Cheney's former Chief of Staff who is serving two years in federal prison for "not covering up a crime he didn't commit."
"I don't know why a beautiful person like Scooter Libby is in prison while others are free to roam the streets, selling gasoline and trans-fats," said Ed Asner, spokes-sentient-being for the group.
You must be registered to take this poll. That, or just jump across the southern border and run straight to the polling place.
Poll: Help Nancy Pelosi choose the right policy
If you're invested in defeat, then a defeat really is a victory. Just call it a phased redeployment of Democrat policies.
Postpone immigration bill /DNC border recruitment drive until the wind changes.
Use Jack Sparrow's Magic Compass to find the New Direction for America. Just don't get caught with your hand in the cookie jar like William Jefferson.
Throw your hands in the air like you just don't care! The Repukes had this planned from the start! Just like the moon landing, the grassy knoll, who shot J.R and every election in humyn history!
Not even the Bloggers can save us now, Mama Nancy! Too bad Bu$hitler's chances of getting caught with an intern are slim, that could save us!
Well, we have Scooter Libby, right comrades!? I mean... awwah hell... not even that can save us! Hopefully we can keep Paris Hilton in the news long enough! HOPEFULLY!!
Maybe Fred Thompson can save us by snatching primary votes away from Rudy!?! Yeah! Fred will save us so we can Bob Dole him in '08! Awwah hell, who are we kidding!? It's over!! Our Super-duper Majority People's Mandate was a sham!
I'm Jimmah Cartah and even I couldn't have screwed this up as much as you did, Madam Speakuh. And that's saying uhh lot!
Maybe you could become an Avon saleswoman? You do have a fancy for cosmetically altering yourself every chance you get! Think about it... going door to door selling crap for the rest of your life! It could work.
They trekked thousands of miles in searing heat... They crossed the border risking life and limb... They get paid peanuts... They do jobs others refuse to do... Some people back in their own country treat them with little respect... They live crammed together in substandard conditions... They rarely see their families... They have to learn a foreign language and culture... They recognize only one flag...
Boris Yeltsin's Lessons for America (In Two Parts) Oleg Atbashian strikes again at the progressive thought, tactics, and ammunition at PJM Different Symptoms, Same Paranoia Russia Too Had Yeltsin Derangement Syndrome Lessons for the American progressives:
From: Lord Reginald Higgenbotham III Esq. Westchesterfield, Staffordshire Proper, Great Britain
Dear Mr. Imus,
I really cannot seem to fathom what this big row is all about. Why would anyone get distraught regarding your observation of a small number of nappy-headed hoes? Tut tut! What has gotten into you Yanks? I say, so what! If some young birds like to wear nappies (or as you Americans say "diapers") on their heads, what is so bloody "racist" about the mere mention of it? I submit that wearing nappies on one's head sounds a bit queer, but unless this is some twisted version of "A Clockwork Orange" that has gone horribly awry, I cannot comprehend what the entire ruckus is about.
In a most explosive and damning new book by George Tenet about his trials and tribulations with the Bush Administration comes the newest, most shocking revelation: George W Bush pushed FDR beyond his better judgement to use preemptive tactics against innocent Japanese Americans by taking away their right of habeas corpus, to legal defense, to free speech; to all Constitutional rights. Japanese internment was all George W Bush's idea.
Annual Transmission to Toiling Masses on occasion of May 1st International Workers' Solidarity Day
Delivered by Laika the Space Dog, Member of Politburo, Friend of Progressive People
Workers, peasants, and the unwashed toiling intelligentsia! < prolonged applause >
Congratulations on surviving another glorious year of Revolution! This year we witnessed the collapse of the Republican Capitalist voting system! For the first time since 1994 no voting irregularities were reported in the mainstream media. The record turnout of dead voters, whom we like to call "necro-proxies of progress" has given the Democratic Socialists an absolute mandate to do whatever they damn well please in both The House of Representatives and The Senate. The absolutist rule of the Democratic majority shall bury the silly idea of a "republic" once and for all. Oh yes! We will bury you! < Slams podium with shoe >
A lesson in instant gratification went bad when a New York high-school freshman's remark about assassinating President Bush earned him a visit from the Secret Service, prompting a loud outcry from the educational community. "I don't know where this President is taking our country if a student can no longer openly express his idealistic aspirations and make a difference," says English teacher who oversaw the publication of the student magazine that printed the boy's statement. The comment about shooting the president to become "a national hero" appeared under a section titled, "How long does it take to live?" in which students answered questions of how they would spend their last 24 hours alive before attempting to assassinate George Bush.
Inspired by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's independent diplomatic trip to Syria, Associate Justice of the US Supreme Court David H. Souter suggested Tuesday that he may also take independent diplomatic trips to the remainder of the "Axis of Evil" countries, and deliver his own message to Ahmadinejad and Kim Jong Il. Justice Souter plans on his message to be "unique", "inspiring" and a "media-frenzy" which will completely muddle any previous messages sent from President Bush and Speaker Pelosi. "If there's no longer one branch of government that shapes our foreign relations," Souter told the reporters, "how come we in the Supreme Court can't also have our own foreign diplomatic trips? The Constitution defines three branches of government - the Congress, the President, and the Courts - and I insist that I and other Justices have equal rights in formulating and advancing our independent foreign policies on par with the Speaker and the President."
A NEW DEFINITION OF "MEDIA WHORE": Mayor Newsome loves the media and the media loves him back A lesson for beginning reporters who want to change the world: if you want to get San Francisco Mayor's attention, show him a dildo. Make a difference!
Mayor Newsome performs oral sex on a reporter's microphone.
Was this a Freudian slip - or is it what true love looks like? Watch Mayor Newsome simulate oral sex on a reporter's microphone while answering a question about patient deaths at Laguna Honda Hospital in San Francisco. "Death means nothing to me as long as we continue to love each other!" Mayor Newsome added, prompting friendly smiles and laughter.
There are many ways to display affection between loving partners besides mounting each other. A love story between Mayor Newsome and the media has always been an endearing one, but now their mutual passion has reached a new progressive level, transgressing the boundaries of old bourgeois morality.
April 1: The People Cube's Two (2) Year Anniversary!
The Cube is off to Las Vegas for a Party-style celebration of the suffering masses (report to follow). For those of you whose rations aren't sufficient enough to join us in Vegas, here's a list of Party-Approved Greatest Hits published during the glorious two years (in chronologicval order). They should cheer you up.
BAGHDAD - The recent gains by US military in Iraq appear to be the result of a new approach that copies attack strategies used by the Democrats against Republicans in Washington. "Relentless, unprovoked, ungrounded, and indiscriminate attacks for the sake of attacking - whoever, whatever, whenever - have sent the enemy cowering into the deepest holes, immobilized with panic and despair. Impressed by such a resounding success, the Pentagon is now trying to adapt the same strategy to fight insurgency in Iraq," U.S. Lt. Gen. David Petraeus said Friday.
It is a scientific fact that Global Warming provides the means for the ignorant to declare with absolute certainty that they know the unknowable -- Laika The Space Dog
Since man-made Global Warming is becoming increasingly unknowable and avoids being accurately measured, progressive scientists are working hard on new arguments to convince the masses in the necessity to believe in it. In lieu of objective criteria it boils down to a simple matter of faith: Global Warming is, or It is not. But to which side shall the progressive masses incline? In a stunning breakthrough, researchers at Karl Marx Treatment Center have developed a revolutionary concept of the People's Cube Global Warming Wager which proves that believing in Global Warming is more advantageous than not believing. It's similar to the Pascal's Wager argument, only it's more progressive.
The famous Beltway bordello that was shut down after 13 years of impeccable service last October is now fighting back with a vengeance. Madam Deborah Jeane Palfrey and her lawyer claim their business was in no way different from the generally accepted liberal practices of simulating love and compassion for the downtrodden with the purpose of amassing large fortunes and obtaining power. "Shutting down a bordello in Washington, D.C. equates to the criminalization of the liberal lifestyle and politics of progressivism," says Madam's civil lawyer, stating that sex workers are being unfairly singled out from the general Beltway population of politicians, lobbyists, media celebrities, news editors, journalists, and special interest groups.
Speaking about free Cadillac-quality medical services from cradle to grave, this baby runs best on ethanol as proven by our Soviet comrades whose extensive research into cheap alcohol-based solutions is well-known. It also shortens the distance between cradle and grave, which saves the government a lot resources. With this in mind we invented a new alternative product that is now quickly replacing Kool-Aid® as preferred mind-altering substance of progressive elites:
Well I went down South to the land of cotton, Midwest accent soon forgotten, Look away, look away, look away, it's a scam. In Dixie land with a Reb accent I adorned Early on a frosty mornin', Look away, look away, look away, Dixie land.
Chorus: Then there I was in Dixie, Hill-Ray! Hill-Ray! In Dixie land my accent's grand, To jive and lie in Dixie, Away, away, my accent mouth from Dixie, Away, away, my accent mouth from Dixie.
On the heels of James Cameron's discovery of a tomb with the remains of Jesus came an announcement by talk radio host Rush Limbaugh that he had discovered a coffin with the remains of another historical character that many social scientists consider a mythical creature - the Rugged Individual. But while Mr. Cameron's findings strike at the heart of the basic tenets of Christianity, Mr. Limbaugh's discovery is meant to strike at the very heart of progressive faith that denies the existence of a self-sufficient Individual who can survive without the government handouts, regulations, and oversight.
On behalf of The People™, the Party, and the Politburo we express our satisfaction with the Film Academy for staying within the constrains of the narrowly defined Party line while delivering a correct set of Party-approved talking points to the knuckle-dragging American public at the Oscars this Sunday. Some comrades have voiced concerns about this year's lack of inspiring progressive rhetoric, but please remember that the Democrat victory in Congress has marked the beginning of a new era of lukewarm tepidness, which calls for lukewarm and tepid shows in life, politics, and television. The Oscars succeeded in doing exactly that. The polarizing times of Michael Moore are over. Hollywood has been given a new assignment - to soothe and desensitize the previously torn and deliberately wounded nation, reuniting it under the banner of moderation, centrism, multiculturalism, socialism, alternative lifestyles, and Global Warming.
The People's Cube has obtained a draft of Al Gore's Oscar acceptance speech to be read in full, uninterrupted by music, at Hollywood's Kodak Theater on Feb. 25. The same speech, with minor adjustments for local weather, will also be delivered in Oslo City Hall on Dec. 10, where Al Gore is hoping to receive a Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts in putting Global Warming on the front burner of class struggle. Below is the full text of Al Gore's speech:
A new cave video released by Ayman al-Zawahiri praised the non-binding resolution against Iraq troop surge passed in the House today, describing it as a step in the right direction, while also criticizing the bill as "inadequate and meager kickback for the tremendous effort and sacrifice" al-Qaeda's had given to help the Democrats win the mid-term elections. "What in Allah's name is a non-binding resolution?" al-Qaeda's number two shouted while shaking his AK-47 in the air. "We sacrificed thousands of our best men, raising body count of US troops and Iraqi bystanders to unprecedented numbers so that you could work your ungodly media polls to win the House and the Senate. And now you're basically telling us that 'the check is in the mail'? Really? If our IEDs were as symbolic and non-binding as your resolution, Pelosi wouldn't be your speaker. The question that many Jihadists are asking today is, can we trust the Democrats?"
Anna Nicole Smith has died in a South Florida hospital after being discovered unconscious in her hotel room. She was 39.
Underneath the assigned social function of being a larger than life womyn-appliance, she was a human being. At least that's what many horny men wanted to believe. Could it be that being a human was the cause of death? It had to be a terrible human pain to look back at how her life style of an automated erotic appliance had screwed up her son's mind to a point of dying in her presence from a drug overdose. On the pictures he seemed like a nice vulnerable kid who didn't deserve it. Imagine what he might've tolerated from his sandbox playmates: "My mom's vagina is more expensive than your mom's vagina." And later in high school: "Man, if I had a mom like this I'd pump her every day." That could lead to a malfunctioning that a Maytag repairman wouldn't be able to fix.
Fight against climate change has taken a new dimension Monday as a new legal defense group, Spiritual Lawyers Against Natural Disasters (SLAND), initiated international class-action litigation against God for the environmental destruction and Global Warming that has resulted from acts that He has caused to occur. "For many years enviro-activists, spearheaded by Al Gore and financed by trial lawyers, have been pointing to human greed, oil industries, and Western capitalism-based societies as the main causes of Global Warming," said SLAND lead attorney and Executive Director, Peacedove Handwring at a press conference. "While all these factors are a fine cause for international insurance litigation, the primary culprit of climate change that is more powerful and more difficult to deal with, has so far escaped attention of our lawyers. That culprit is God."
On January 29, 2007, the progressive visitors of Berkeley and San Francisco lined up at the Doe Library on the University of California campus to enjoy a poetic rendition of the kind of stuff that's happening in their bedrooms on weekends (minus cocaine). The topic of ABBA Ghraib has already been discussed on the Cube: we theorized about a torture chamber where detainees with tied feet are forced to listen to a looped tape of Dancing Queen for hours on end, unable to even as much as tap their feet to the fabulous rhythm. Pictures don't usually render sounds, but this talented painter's S&M fantasies do bring up certain echoes of the erstwhile Village People hits. I wonder how many of the Berkeley and San Francisco attendees secretly thanked the artist for giving them fresh ideas they could re-enact later that night at the bath house.
Who hasn't heard that "one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter" - a relatively moral axiom employed by Reuters and other progressive news agencies? Very few, however, realize that it was modeled on an earlier idiom - "one man's trash is another man's treasure" - which, being a legitimate pearl of people's wisdom, lends some of its gloss to Reuters' counterfeit product. We like to call it "truth by association": if it sounds like what we believe is true, it probably is true. The propaganda value of this logical device cannot be overstated - but it must be handled with caution, lest someone writes: "one man's Reuters is another man's Party organ" or "one man's head is another man's hole in the ground." That's why, as a public service, we are offering an exercise designed to teach the masses to generate quality "truths" in bulk and on the fly, without thinking. One man's truth is another man's invention, everything is a matter of opinion, and one man's opinion is another man's truth.
Highlights: - Every American deserves a free rationing coupon - One sack of beets and potatoes a month for the middle class - It's not your money, it's the government's - The Constitution just doesn't cut it anymore - Put an end to Bush's economic boom - We need Central Planning and one-party rule - You will love my five year plans - Terrorists? Let's chat
Democrat leaders agree: our soldiers won't be safe until they've pulled back behind a Wall of Safety around the U.S.A. In the years ahead, as world's freedom fighters fill the vacuum created by our strategic pull-back to the States, you - citizens of the no longer imperialist America - can sleep easy. The Democrats in Congress will keep you, your children, and your loved ones safe behind an impenetrable wall of iron, an American Maginot Line of defense that will encircle our country bristling with guns and bombs.
Unfortunately, the only contracting company in the U.S. qualified to build such a massive fortification project is Halliburton Co.
Terrorists ain't easy to love and they're harder to hold. They'd rather give you a bomb than diamonds or gold. Suicide bomb buckles and old faded kaffiyehs, And each night begins a new day. If you don't understand him, an' he don't die young, He'll just hack your head away.
Mamas, don't let your babies grow up jihadis. Don't let 'em bomb cafes or explode them old trucks. Let 'em be imams and mullahs and such. Mamas don't let your babies grow up jihadis. 'Cos they'll never stay home and they're always alone. Even with those virgins to love.
Habana, Cuba -- Called to task by Fidel Castro to explain themselves for botching several operations on the 80 year old Cuban President, his surgeons have taken the unprecedented action of holding a news conference to explain to the world President Castro's medical condition. Chief Surgeon Rafael Bernardo of the Cuban Escuela Latinoamericana de Ciencias Médicas explained to the gathering: "When we first operated on the Maximum Leader we'd thought that he was suffering from a broken Wish Bone. The operation made President Castro's condition even worse. After several more unsuccessful operations on a Funny Bone, his Spare Ribs, and Water on the Knee we realized that his problem had to be related to his Bread Basket. Of course, if it were not for the U.S. embargo we would have had modern medical training devices and operated on his Bread Basket sooner."
Since the initially successfuleffort by academia to ban US military recruiters on campuses has had frustratingly little effect on the overall recruitment numbers, the non-partisan organization "Professors Against Unfair Recruiting Practices" (PAURP) is pushing for a change in strategy to undermine the US military in wartime. The so-called "Academia's New Iraq Strategy," designed to boost morale and guide activist professors out of an apparent quagmire, calls for a surge in numbers of "terrorist" recruiters on campus, as well as extending invitations to representatives of the Cuban, North Korean, and Venezuelan militaries.
In a move designed to address the growing food shortages that threaten its starving populace, North Korea today announced the development of a captive breeding program for Giant Carnivorous Rabbits. Imported from a breeder in the former East Germany, the rabbits were initially thought to be a source of food for struggling North Koreans. But in a stunning turnabout it was revealed that given the gigantic rodents' voracious appetites and the large amount of food required for them to breed effectively, North Koreans would instead be fed to the rabbits, thereby providing the breeding stock with a ready source of food, while at the same time reducing the number of starving North Koreans.
In 2007 the honor of New York's first-baby-of-the-year is being disputed between Odunayo Muhammed born of recent Nigerian immigrants, and Yuki Lin born of recent Chinese immigrants. Minutes after their birth the babies are already doing the jobs that Americans won't take. That's because this generation of Americans is fleeing from making babies, as if childbearing equates with cancerous tumors or internal parasites. They believe that just like everything else in their lives, fetuses should be left to professionals.
Capitalizing on the enormous success achieved by Democrats with the display of children at the inauguration ceremony, the new leaders are proposing to take this strategy even further and manage the situation in Iraq with the help of Care Bears™.
WASHINGTON, Jan. 6 - Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and Speaker Nancy Pelosi sent a letter to President Bush urging him to reject any plan that could potentially result in a military victory in Iraq. The leaders warned that a surge in troop levels might further antagonize al-Qaeda's already-overtaxed fighters, and cited the dangers of U.S. victory to the future of the Democratic Party, liberal media, and world's progress towards socialism.
How come we didn't think of this first? This grande idée has all necessary elements of a progressive protest. The BBC and UPI report on a New Year's demonstration in the French city of Nantes, where the protesters waved banners reading: "No to 2007" and "Now is better!" The marchers called on world leaders and the United Nations to intervene in the "mad race" of time and declare a moratorium on the future. With the arrival of 2007, as the protester's demands remained unmet, they realigned their efforts against a new target, chanting "No to 2008!" They also vowed to stage a similar protest on Dec. 31, 2007 in Paris.
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
Pelosi: we won.
Philies: so did we
Study: Global Warming linked to consumption of beans and beef patties
Pro-Obama gamers discover 'cheat codes' in U.S. Constitution
Police trained in using end of life counselingtechniques to negotiate suicide threats
Obama commits more troops to War on Fox News, still awaiting Afghan troop surge
Pass Rush: NFL okays Fidel Castro's bid to buy Miami Dolphins
Study: the road to hell paved with Nobel Peace Prizes
Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize. Wishing all our readers a Happy April First!
Roman Polanski named new School Safety Czar in wake of Jennings scandal
Charles Manson: 'Leave Polanski alone, hasn't he suffered enough?'
Obama loses Olympic bid, will try for Special Olympics next
Carter: if the IOC doesn't give the Olympics to Chicago, they're racists
Saudis: the word 'assassina- tion' will never be the same
Al Qaeda: 'We shove bombs up our butts'
Richard Gere denies Al Qaeda membership
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
Study: 90% of G20 protestors driven to Pittsburgh by mom
Ahmadinejad: Iran needs enriched uranium to purchase large IKEA sofa
Obama: If we don't bomb Iran now, we'll never pass healthcare reform
Taliban hires DC lobbyist in effort to get Obama's attention
Missile defense: Czechs angry at Obama for being canceled
Media study: Caucasian toddlers are more likely to cut eye-holes into "blankies"
Democrat strategist: 9 out of 10 white infants prefer cross burning over mother's milk
Mahmoud’s Liquidation Warehouse: 50% off Israel - this weekend only - it won’t last long
Obama: Black kids still forced to beat people up at back
of bus
Charlie Gibson: Neil Armstrong went where?
Obamacare, it’s finger-licking good!
Ben and Jerry release 'Hate Monger Bigot' flavor to celebrate those who support traditional marriage
'Shiver me Timbers!': Somalia unveils People's Institute for Redistribution, Adventurism & Thalassic Extortion (PIRATE)
Energy Czar: to save energy, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off
Other 49 states impose carbon tax on California due to wildfire smoke
Following Scotland's lead, US Justice Dept releases Charles Manson, citing battle with chronic hemorrhoids
Obama to media: Please respect our girls' privacy, especially Mr. Letterman
Teachable moment: Obama to hold 'beer summit' between offended Post Office and UPS
Taliban sends protesters to Afghan town hall meetings in attempt to get Obama administration to withdraw Gotham villains working for the Common Good™
White House recalibrates description of town hall protesters from 'terrorists' to 'man-made Nazi fascist pigs'
Experts: when buying Astroturf, remember to look for the Union LabelNational-socialist health care?
Drudge insulates self from White House anger by naming his site MoveOn.Drudge
ABC greenlights epic 12-part miniseries based on Beer Summit
Moveon.org petitions Dems to leave Bush/Cheney alone and 'move on to pressing issues facing the nation'
Palin: Critics ipso facto are quitters
Honduran ex-president Zelaya holds press- conference, presents birth certificate for examination
Cambridge: fighting racial bias, Obama picks black scholar Henry Louis Gates as Door Jigging Czar
Obama: white cop acted like inexperienced rookie, but being one I may be biased
On the international front: Obama brings back Cold War, switches sides
Signs of recovery: WH study finds number of searches for 'economic depression' on Google lower than it could have been under FDR
Obama inherited broken teleprompter from George W Bush
Zelaya: we support the democratically-elected President of the USA, even though he has strongly opposed American policies
Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground
Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate
SPONSORED BY:
Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument
Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life
Obama hurts a fly, forgets to read Miranda rights
ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional
Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign
DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing'
Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!!
CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought
White House tree commits suicide over economic policy
Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush'
Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse'
In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities
Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools
Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list
Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote
Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind visit our new Che Heart store
Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it"
Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals
Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls
Obama's rich supporters chagrined to find he's a class worrior and not the cynical hypocrite they'd counted on
Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever'
Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research'
Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!
Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden
Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu
Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram'
DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberryDow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15
WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents useDHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck
Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank
Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"
Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech
Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive
Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism Obama gives Queen a shovel click here NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'
click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
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HALLOWEEN: 
A group of Democratic senators and congressmen visiting Iraq, together with a U.S. Marine, got captured by al-Qaeda and brought to a safe house north of Baghdad. The terrorists announce they will behead the captives, but promise to grant each of them a last wish.
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
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Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
