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The People's Cube Archive: January - December 2008 Obama Playing Cards for the Masses "Everybody is an equal winer!" (Suitable for playing in a box car with other political prisoners)
Everyone knows that all cars are created equal. In the name of justice we must legislate the equality of American automobiles with their foreign counterparts. A Car Czar must be appointed to distribute cash to our automobile industry so that we can protect it from the Capitalist evil of competition.
To highlight the urgent need for these measures and to emphasize the many successes of government-run automaking, we present the 2008 Government-Subsidized Auto Show. All automobile manufacturers are rated according to the Red Star system, with five stars as the highest award.
During Thanksgiving, as American toiling masses traditionally give thanks to the government for what it has distributed to them, all conscientious members of community are required to experience the following emotions:
Last Thursday a flying saucer landed in my backyard. A friendly, if slightly disoriented alien pilot told me he needed a drink. I had just what he wanted, since this was Thanksgiving and all.
His name was Ollie and he came to Earth looking for an honest, self-reliant, optimistic, and technically inclined nation that could benefit from a contact with his more advanced civilization. "Whoa, whoa!" I raised my finger. "To call yourself advanced you must take at least three diversity training classes. What planet are you from, really?"
Communists of Petersburg and the Leningrad Oblast have issued an official statement on Barack Obama's victory in the 2008 presidential election. They are the same glorious party who earlier denounced Harrison Ford with Cate Blanchett for the anti-Soviet propaganda in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and most recently accused Olga Kurylenko of treason for playing the new Bond girl.
"The days of the bloodthirsty and thieving Bush administration are ending. The American people have rejected the rabid Russophobia and anti-Sovietism of McCain. We, the Communists, believe that McCain must respond to his own defeat like an honorable officer and shoot himself in the head. Or there will be no respect left for him..."
The recent election has left the GOP sharply divided. As caring and compassionate progressives, it is our duty to help their two fighting factions destroy each other as soon as possible. When the Republicans were in power we successfully manipulated their infighting with our planned long-term strategy. But now that the GOP is in shambles, we must quickly find a way to manipulate their rebuilding effort, making sure that the Moderate Republicans prevail over the Extreme Republicans. Once all conservatives are removed, the GOP will be nothing more than a puppet, kept only for the appearance of a two-party system.
To this end The Peoples Cube presents the "Order of Republican Moderation" as a reward to those Moderate Republicans who show courage and bravery in ridding the world of conservatism, in the following categories:
Comrades! November 4th 2008 shall be inscribed in golden letters in the history of the international revolutionary movement as the day when American workers, peasants, and toiling intelligentsia finally rose to reject the archaic idea of American exceptionalism. Our agents in the academia, mass media, and trivial entertainment divisions have lived up to the Party's expectations in swaying the voting populace into throwing off the chains of accountability, integrity, and individualism - and embracing their true nature as a mote of a vast collective.
Below is a list of mandatory slogans for spontaneous pronouncements at congratulatory rallies, approved by the Central Committee of the Democrat Party of the United States of America (DPUSA) for the official four-year-long celebration of Change.
Comrades from all over the world are converging. Young, old, dead, plant, pets, oatmeal and just everyone and everything in between is ready, willing and now registered to hand Senator Obama -- OUR SAVIOR -- a solid and decisive VICTORY!
Comrades, inform us, the Inner Party, of your experience today voting. Let us know how things are going. Spread the wealth as in how your day was at the polls and what you are seeing in your respective states.
We are the ones we have been waiting for. And today... WE STEAL THE ELECTION!
Hollywood is abuzz about the latest spat between African-American superstars Will Smith and Denzel Washington for the privilege of playing the lead in the Obama biopic to be directed by the Do the Right Thing man himself, Mr. Spike Lee, who reputedly demanded a $50 million directing-and-producing fee. The $1bn Lukas-Spielberg-Geffen-Winfrey production will also feature Samuel Z. Jackson as Obama pere and Beyonce as Mrs. Obama. The latter will perform such new Quincy Jones soon-to-be hits as Ch-ch-changes (He Comin') and We Is Who We Waits For.
In this election season, Americans are becoming increasingly convinced that if they don't vote Democrat they will all get sick, paralyzed, dismembered, and ultimately die for lack of on-demand embryos available for their consumption. The good news is, once they are dead they'll be voting Democrat forever! Dead voters are playing a progressively important role in the American democratic process, consistently casting their votes for the Democratic Party. According to "Countdown" on MSNBC, the International Coalition of Dead Voters has endorsed all Democratic candidates in this election cycle. "We have always sided with progress and unilateral disarmament, and it is very important that this November all dead people of good will, once again, vote Democrat," said the Coalition's spokesperson to Keith Olbermann in a segment called Bush Disenfranchises The American Dead. "Not all of us are from this country, though" the spokesperson said, adding that a standard term for his constituents would be "necro-proxies."
Studies show that casual sex is a number one issue among Democrat voters. Democrats think that casual sex with strangers is more important than - Energy - Economy - National Security
The scientific consensus is clear: while Republicans spread freedom and democracy, Democrats spread sexually transmitted diseases.
Media experts are still debating the mysterious claim by a 20-year-old McCain/Palin volunteer concerning the bruises, the missing $60, and the letter "B" that suddenly appeared on her cheek as she was using a cash machine in Pittsburg, PA last night. "I honestly believe this is the beginning of the rise of a new type of B-stigmatics," says MSNBC host Chris Matthews, whose personal leg tingles during the Obama speeches have turned him into an expert. "Such B-stigmata will often take form of bruises, disappearing wallets, and yes, the letter B popping up on people's cheeks. The afflicted may even claim they saw the image of the Obamessiah dressed in dark hoodie, jeans, and shiny gym shoes, but those must be hallucinations resulting from exceptional white guilt and desire to associate oneself with the suffering Obamessiah and his disciples."
Meet Bam the Driller as he dances to the rhythm of his trusty jackhammer, making holes in your wallets, border fences, talk radio microphones, school vouchers, prison cells, babies' heads, and US military.
Cameo appearances of Wright, Chavez, Farrakhan, Marx, Mumia, Raines, and others.
Our out-of-character reporting in Pajamas Media appeared on Drudge Report and hundreds of other websites within hours:
While the Democrat-leaning media continues to scare undecided voters with bedtime stories about some mythical angry McCain supporter whom nobody has seen, here is a real district attorney's complaint documenting an unprovoked assault by an enraged Democrat against a McCain volunteer in midtown Manhattan: "Defendant grabbed the sign [informant] was holding, broke the wood stick that was attached to it, and then struck informant in informant's face thereby causing informant to sustain redness, swelling, and bruising to informant's face and further causing informant to sustain substantial pain."
A unanimously negative media response to the political slapstick movie American Carol reinforces my theory that humor -- and satire in particular -- is an accurate litmus test of one's political and ideological convictions, even if one insists on having no convictions at all. If you want to check your friends' politics, take them to see this conservative comedy and watch the reaction.
Committed liberals won't laugh at conservative humor and vice versa. If they don't agree on the joke's basic philosophical premise, the sting will miss the spot and the joker will be shrugged off as a pathetic fool (for reference see conservative reaction to any of the David Letterman shows in the last ten years).
While canvassing neighborhoods in Ohio this Sunday, Barack Obama advised a tax-burdened plumber not to worry about money because under his presidency money will disappear since it will no longer have any meaning anyway. Instead, all Americans will be living off Obama's highly nutritive WealthSpread™ formula that is surprisingly low in effort and is being promoted by a group of leading nutritionists known as the Cook Fringe of the Democrat Party under the brand name "I Can't Believe It's Not Earned!"
"Your new tax plan is going to tax me more, isn't it?" the plumber asked...
It is a matter of common knowledge that the old-fashioned idea of One Nation Undivided is incompatible with diversity and multiculturalism. For the same reason, the concept of One Obama Logo For All has been recently found at conflict with the presidential hopeful's philosophy of catering to each minority group with a different set of words and images. As a result, his campaign has unveiled a new collection of ethnically-specific Obama logos to match each minority's pre-approved role, legend, and grievances, in full compliance with the divide-and-conquer revolutionary doctrine developed by Antonio Gramsci and perfected by Saul Alinsky.
Sing for Change chronicles a recent Sunday afternoon, when children, on their own will, gathered to sing original songs in the belief that their singing would lift up our communities for the coming election. Light, hope, courage and love shine through these nonvoting children who believe that their very best contribution to the Obama campaign is to sing.
This music video embodies the nature of the Obama campaign: its grassroots inspiration, its inclusiveness, its community building. The willingness of all was a testament to our hope, unity, courage, joy and belief in the future represented by these children.
As a glorious preview of improvements to political freedoms in an Obama administration, his campaign directed the third phase for the Current Truth Squads' assault on counterrevolutionary holdouts: Legal Stormtruthers. A group of high-ranking Missouri apparatchiks - including St. Louis sheriffs and top prosecutors - are threatening to target anyone they determine is contradicting the Current Truth™ about their chosen candidate for President. "This is the radical change we've been waiting for, and there's more where it came from," commented the local Truth Squad Standartenfuehrer on condition of anonymity.
Liberal Outrage: A Pro-McCain March In Manhattan A group of McCain-Palin supporters dare to march through the Upper West Side - and are met with hatred and rage for being infidels in the heart of liberal Mecca. Republicans are as out of place there as elephants at a donkey show. Area intellectuals jeer them well - just as they had been taught to do. FACT: The number of middle fingers in the "progressive" crowd is directly proportional to the number of PhD degrees in the ten-block radius.
Flyers For Anti-Iran Rallies in New York On Sept. 22 & 25 A few days ago we were contacted to make a flyer for the next week's two rallies protesting Ahmadinejad's visit to New York and his appeasers in the West. Since then the Sept. 22 rally at the UN has grown famous thanks to the organizers' decision to disinvite Sarah Palin under pressure from the Democrat leadership and its proxies among the leftist Jewish groups, whom Pamela Geller called Jewicidals. So we made two different flyers. The one for the Sept. 22 rally has Sarah Palin with a taped mouth, and the flyer for the Sept. 25 rally (that still keeps the invitation to Palin open) has all the relevant info. See below.
Yesterday the National Organization of Community Organizers bestowed its most prestigious award on George W Bush for outstanding work in the organization of communities in Iraq and Afghanistan.
"It's truly an honor to receive such a covetized award," the president said in a few brief remarks at the ceremony honoring his achievement, "but we cannot forget that this was made possible only through the work and dedication of our excellent military personnel." Progressives everywhere were on their feet, chanting Progress! Progress!, applauding, cheering, and waving American flags.
Our Department has created a curriculum out of thin air and in a big hurry, enabling persons with some loose $100,000 to spend it on an undergraduate degree in the exciting new field of Obamology (the study of Obama.) Qualified candidates (i.e. those with extra $100,000) successfully completing 30 credit hours will obtain a B.O. degree (Bachelor of Obamology), which will not lead to a career or paying job or any such corporate entrapment, but it will help make you feel as if you are serving the community while you’re hanging around on the street corner.
A view at today's security issues from the distant future. Works as a great standalone video regardless of the fact that it is, in fact, the KG3's answer to American Centurion, the latest political short from the makers of BLUE BALLED and the New York-based TruthThroughAction.org, an organization creating online videos in support of "progressive" issues and candidates.
First the good news: your approval ratings have jumped dramatically in the last two weeks. You are now at 15% approval which is your highest in the last eighteen months. Primarily, this is due to your decision to stay away from all press conferences that do not use teleprompters.
The restoration of the Fairness Doctrine has enabled us better to manage the information coming out about the various problems of the Administration. The New York Times is continuing to work with us on getting your message out to their 86 subscribers, who are behind you 100% of the time.
The Book of Invesco The Sermon on the Mile High Mount 1Then it came to pass in the Land of Entitlement that the Word became Change and the Change became Hope and the Hope became Change You Can Believe In. 2And The Obamessisah went about all fifty-seven states, teaching at their Caucuses and Primaries, healing malaise among the poor in spirit, and preaching the gospel of Progress. 3Then His fame went throughout all the land; and they came to Him all people who were afflicted with Bush Derangement; and those who were hopenitized; moonbats and troofers; and He wooed them. 4Great multitudes followed Him - from Chicago to Jersey, and beyond the Hills of Beverly.
From: America's sweeheart, Chairman M. S. Punchenko
To: Party members and Useful Idiot Media
Subject: GET OUT THERE AND STOP THIS MADNESS!
GET OUT THERE NOW! GET OUT! GET OUT! HE IS RAINING ON THE MESSIAH'S PARADE! HE IS RAINING ON THE MESSIAH'S PARADE! SARAH PALIN IS INEXPERIENCED! SHE HAS NO EXPERIENCE! SHE IS A GOVERNOR -- A GOVERNOR! SHE WAS NEVER A COMMUNITY ACTIVIST! FOR THE LOVE OF THE MESSIAH! RUN THE TAPES OF THE TEMPLE CORONATION! MCSAME IS CHANGING THE STORY! INEXPERIENCE! SHE IS DAN QUAYLE! SHE! SHE! SHE IS A SHE! DO SOMETHING! ANYTHING! GET JOE BIDEN! BOOK JOE BIDEN! SWEET MERCIFUL STALIN!
First published in 1967 in commemoration of the 50th anniversary of the Russian Revolution
This is an Internet version of Victor Vashi's original book, which is long out of print and the publisher no longer exists. The message of this book is so vital and well delivered we felt it a shame not to share it with the world.
Especially considering the recent attempts by Russia's ruling elite to bring back the glory of the good old USSR.
In a stunning upset here at Beijing, Lamar Ferguson of Marietta, GA, won gold in the men's 3/4 acre lawnmower event over the heavily favored Mexican champion, Pedro Rodriguez.
Our special correspondent Blogunov, who is in Beijing making sure that all events receive equal coverage, interviewed Ferguson for the People's Cube.
Preparing for the massive protests of progressive forces during the 2008 DNC in Denver, (August 25-28), the KG3 Directorate at the People's Cube designed a series of visual ads with the goal of elevating the often misunderstood image of the anonymous street protester to the heights of heroic and selfless service to humankind where it belongs (right next to Guevara, Mumia, and Obama).
Markos Moulitsas, the founder of the completely balanced and level-headed mainstream blog, The Daily Kos, broke down in tears during a CNN interview yesterday, exclaiming, "Leave Barack alone!" The dramatic moment occurred while discussing the latest scandal involving the Obama campaign's illegal acceptance of large donations from Palestinians residing in the Gaza strip.
The recently surfaced pictures of Senator John Kerry partying with a group of underage intoxicated female voters underscored the urgent need for Party-approved pickup lines, so that progressive leaders would no longer embarrass the movement with lame offers to "play socialized medicine," or brag about their "really small carbon footprint." If applied correctly, such pickup lines would save the working people and the middle class of this country innumerable hours they would rather devote to advancing progress in their communities.
Below are some of our suggestions, broken down by categories. Feel free to add your own.
Every now and then, Obama opens his eyes and the world springs into existence.
When a tree falls in the forest, Obama hears it.
Obama can clap with one hand.
Prometheus was punished for plagiarizing Obama.
Obama can make a journey of a thousand miles without a single step.
Socks worn by Obama are used for climbing walls in Spiderman movies.
Hillary Clinton dropped out of the race when she learned Obama's true name.
"Obama" is the very first word in the English language to be a verb, adjective, noun, pronoun, adverb, interjection, superlative and pronad. (Pronad is a new category made specifically for the word "Obama" so its power can be fully realized).
When Obama squints dreamily into the distance, he can see next week's lottery winning numbers. But he never plays because that would mean poverty of ambition.
Obama can calculate your guilt just by looking at the numbers in your checkbook.
In a brilliant move, which media pundits are describing as audacious, Barack Obama has chosen himself to be his own running mate. "That's how I roll," Obama told reporters in a briefly held brief briefing during the intermission of a Bon Jovi concert, after which he dropped the microphone with a loud thump. As he left the stage, members of the press corps ripped off their shirts and threw them toward the stage, while their female colleagues threw their panties, all of them experiencing what can only be described as "minimally disguised orgasms."
Despite the predictions that Barack Obama would not act on his promise to lower the sea levels until he officially becomes President, the presumptive Democratic nominee went ahead and lowered the oceans last month in a hectic attempt to boost his own shrinking poll numbers. However, the resulting growth of landmass turned into a mixed blessing when it unexpectedly revealed the lost world of Atlantis with a history so shocking and controversial that Obama is now contemplating re-sinking the island by returning the seas to their previous levels.
What the artifacts of Atlantis have told the world, is a story of the demise of a once great nation whose citizens grew spoiled and apathetic as they forgot the reasons for their success and allowed a sense of entitlement and self-loathing to set in.
CHAPTER 2 - THE HIGH SKOOL YEARS (Note from Obama: As I have said previously, my policy is to name this chapter "The High Skool Years"; it was never my policy to name this chapter anything else.)
Barack Obama attended high school (or was it school, high? Nah, go with the first one) at the prestigious George Orwell Academy for the Political Performing Arts on the West Side of Chicago. There, he met his best friends for the next few years, Fat Albert and Rerun.
Barack Obama was born Steven Urkel in a log cabin near Springfield, Illinois. His father was a militant piano tuner from one of those African countries where they change the national boundaries every other week. His mother was a loan officer at the Oppressed Proletariat Bank and Trust Company where she spent her days rejecting loans to people who had little more to cling to than God and guns. As a communist, she hated that her job forced her to oppress the poor and disenfranchised; but, also as a communist, she loved power and control so she threw herself into her work with alacrity. His father, not finding a large number of militant pianos in the American Great Plains, left the fledgling family for places with more bellicose musical tastes, leaving young Steven and his mom to fight capitalism alone.
The scandalous new cover of New Yorker Magazine, depicting Barack Obama dressed as a Muslim and his wife Michelle as a militant black supremacist, turns out to be nothing more than the first step in a bold new Democrat strategy of playing both hands while the opponent simply watches, stated Earnest Trutok, Assistant Deputy Undersecretary of Media Relations in the Obama Camp. "We have prepared a large pile of dirty and revolting images that show Barack and his family in a much worse light than this," Trutok added, admitting that the forthcoming cartoon is jarringly out-of-place in the traditionally progressive New Yorker. "We have no choice but to run them ourselves in the friendly media due the refusal of the Republican Party to play its proper role in the final months of the campaign," Trutok stated.
Jesse Jackson's nut envy is understandable once you realize the power and the magnitude of Obama's testicles.
The fact that the former Democratic presidential candidate and civil rights leader Rev. Jesse Jackson wanted to cut out some of Barack Obama's nuts for himself was hardly a surprise to anyone familiar with their miraculous properties. For a long time, people from all cultures of America and beyond have sought to incorporate Obama's nuts into their lives, both as objects of beauty and as tools for the body, mind and spirit.
Every Obama's nut is unique with various properties and characteristics and has the ability to induce hope, as well as store, receive, and transmit energy. Other legendary properties include the ability to attract compassion and understanding of the media, reveal the location of other people's money, ward off unwanted inquiries, and prevent drug overdose.
As you may remember, in Dec. 2007, Iran's official propaganda website used our spoof image "Iran heart Jews" to illustrate a "current truth" that Jews are welcome in the Islamic Republic of Iran (see below).
The KG3 IS PROUD TO ANNOUNCE A NEW CAMPAIGN WITH A SOLUTION TO THE NATIONAL ENERGY CRISIS:
We urge the congress to shut up and open ANBR (the Algore Numbskull Baldspot Refuge)
DRILL HERE. DRILL NOW. DRILL AL.*
Satellite imagery reveals that despite protests by Greenazi groups of “damage to pristine forestation!”, the area targeted for drilling is, in fact barren of any foliage whatsoever. The first glimpse of gore’s “flesh tone beanie” at the democrat convention in august 2000...
Not since Dylan went electric have the liberal progressives felt so alienated and hurt by a pop culture icon's sudden change from a familiar folksy sound to the sort of contrived distortion that one often hears closer to the center.
But it turns out that Obama's sudden rightward shift has an easy and rational explanation: he has an evil twin who often poses as Good Obama and spouts disturbingly non-progressive views. The absolute resemblance of the Obama twins makes it almost impossible to distinguish between the two, although it has been reported that Evil Obama wears a goatee.
On the Fourth of July Americans will be cynically celebrating the greatest setback world progress has ever endured in all of human history. The rest of humankind will, of course, be grieving over the dark day when the United States of America was born. To understand the full scope of this tragedy we must look back at the pre-7/04 world and see what it was like to live on planet Earth before 1776.
Prior to July 4, 1776, not a single person in the world starved, got sick, worked hard for a living, or experienced any pain and anxiety. No one had ever been oppressed or unfairly exploited because the oppressive and unfair American system had not yet been created.
It all started one night when I was talking to my friend on the phone. We were discussing the best way to impeach Bush when suddenly we heard a strange clicking noise. It was like someone had picked up the receiver on another line, but different, and more sinister. We paused for a moment then continued. I went first: "I think the FBI is listening to us. Switch to the code words." "Why would they listen to us?" my friend asked. "Code words!" I reminded him. "Oh, um, spoon rocket splindledum Bush... how do I say impeach again?" "Brad Pitt!" ...
The recent sightings of Che Guevara's iconic image next to prominent members of the progressive community must have been a harbinger of things to come - for just hours ago in the blessed city of Denver, on the eve of the honorable and equitable Democratic Party convention, the ghost of Che appeared in the night to a secretly convened meeting of the Party leadership.
Thus spoke Che: "Friends, muchachos, comrades, fellow revolutionaries: Listen carefully to my words, for I have been granted leave from the netherworld only for a sufficient time to deliver a prophecy that shall guide your social policy when you take the reins of power ...
In another distraction meant to keep American voters away from the real issues, Fox News channel announced today that the GOP is in possession of a birth certificate proving beyond doubt that Barack Obama's real birthplace is, in fact, planet Lappa IV, located in the Alpha Quadrant and inhabited by a splinter group of the Ferengi species, who have developed a highly collectivist culture based on the principles of socialist acquisition and redistribution of wealth.
Inspired by the recent US Supreme Court ruling to grant all detainees Habeas Corpus rights, three major American networks are about to launch new legal drama series that feature lawyers litigating in defense of armed Muslim bystanders picked up on the battlefield and wrongly accused of being enemy combatants. Quick spin-offs of such successful shows as Law & Order and Boston Legal are in the works at ABC and NBC, while CBS promises an original sitcom about a lawyer who not only defends accused terrorists, but is himself a terrorist.
In the words of Boston Legal's creator David E. Kelley, "This court decision gives Hollywood elites a rare opportunity to correct American biases toward terrorists...
Some of the dire consequences of political inbreeding in Blue States.
This is a parody of TruthThroughAction.org's short film, Blue Balled. The original film, horribly edited, has a message so badly cobbled together that to parody it is like whacking a pinata with a boat oar, sans blindfold. But we couldn't resist. The film is so self-satisfyingly smug it has a virtual "kick me" sign on it.
"God is dead, and we have killed him." So said the great philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche. Thus, there is a void that can be exploited in the herd that is the American voting population." With these words opened the first neo-ecumenical council of world pseudo-religions held June 10 - 13, 2008, in Ventnor City, New Jersey. "We are here to proclaim the arrival of an Enlightened Being who will lead us to Justice, Peace, Health and Wholeness. All the evils in the world are the Fault of the Bushitler, and it is time to fix that.
With the refrain that "it is all Bush's fault" echoing through the halls, it was little surprise that the New-Age Faiths offered their unanimous endorsement to Senator Barack Hussein Obama's presidential campaign.
OTTAWA (Reuters) - Royal Mounted Police have launched a more extensive crackdown on "social corruption" such as women flouting Islamic dress codes on Monday.
"In its wider crackdown which has started from Saturday, police will confront those who appear in public in an indecent way and will also seal off shops selling un-Islamic dress," the newspaper said, quoting an unnamed police official.
Barack Obama has unveiled a new plan for equitable consumption and distribution of global energy, aimed to level the playing field and give Americans a realistic chance to become accepted as equals by members of the global community. "If you were born a sheepherder in a nomadic village in Sub Saharan Africa, why shouldn't you be getting the same quotas of gasoline, food, and electricity as an American consumer?" explains Iona Morningwood, Senior Policy Advisor on matters of resource allowance for the Obama campaign.
It has long been thought that Sean Penn was born the son of Leo Penn, a Hollywood director who defied the House Committee on Un-American Activities and was subsequently blacklisted. But shortly before the US invasion in Iraq the actor's mother confided in him that his true father was "some Middle Eastern guy" from a grocery on the corner.
Sean Penn had long ago wondered about the source for his irrational disdain for America and its values. At home or on the movie set, the progressive actor would often find himself muttering, "The Great Satan must be destroyed!" but couldn't quite put his finger on the reasons why. His mysterious predisposition towards wife-beating, accentuated by wearing a mustache, made him wonder on many occasions, who he could blame for it. "I knew it couldn't be my fault," the Oscar-winning actor told us. "Individual responsibility is a sham invented by the Republicans to put minorities in jail. So I couldn't blame my own character. It had to be my genetics or my upbringing. I didn't grow up in a ghetto, unfortunately - so it had to be the genetic thing. But which oppressed ethnic minority was I part of?"
(Dante's Inferno, 7th Level) - Senator Dick Durbin's (D-IL) comment "The hottest ring in Hell is reserved for those in politics who attack their opponents' families" made to NBC's Norah O'Donnell has sent shockwaves to evil thugs around the world, who thought they were a shoe-in for the top hot spot in the eternal pit of damnation and hellfire. An assortment of Nazis, Communists, terrorists, and other violent and sadistic figures were found consoling each other shortly after Durbin's official announcement.
The Party looks kindly at your attempts to correct and improve history by unobtrusively modifying the Google logo on notable calendar dates. For years you have zealously informed the masses about progressive and useful events like Earth Day or Earth Hour, while purposefully ignoring Memorial Day (no logo change on this reactionary American holiday). Most recently, you enlightened the unwashed about the Spanish artist Velázquez on June 6 without mentioning the Allied Invasion of Normandy on D-Day, a celebration of which would indeed be offensive to National Socialists.
American automakers responded with great enthusiasm to yesterday's decision by General Motors to compost its gas-guzzling business model and close four pickup truck and SUV plants - a unilateral gesture of good will towards the environment that will result in 10,000 lost jobs.
The automaker communities are widely celebrating the event with eco-friendly block parties, Earth fairs, outdoor concerts of New Age music, drum circles in the wilderness, meditations, body painting, and unrhymed poetry readings that venerate the earth as a living, spiritual being that feels pain when it is bring drilled for oil.
Comrades graphic artists and sloganeers - here's a challenge for you!
Don't you wish to see your own slogans and graphics on placards just outside the DNC Convention in Denver this August? Here is your chance! Our good friends in Denver are organizing a counter-rally and related activities during the DNC convention this summer, and they asked us for some slogans and political graphics that they could put on their placards...
Dr. Pipewailer's research into the effect of politics in college-aged women examined the lives of several politically active females from early in their education to the present day. It revealed what appears to be a disturbing trend...
Reactionary satirists have begun their usual demonization of progressives leaders.
Leave it to rightwingers to describe Barack Obama as Hitler, Alfred E. Newman, or Barakula! Progressive satirists would've never done this to Republican candidates! We would've never printed a picture of George Bush as Alfred E. Newman on a magazine cover and ranked it in top 40 best magazine covers! We would've never put a mustache on Bush's face and call him Bushitler. And there's more...
The recent International Conference on Islamic Unity and Wakefulness in the 21st Century in Tehran became a fiasco as it failed to keep the delegates awake long enough for the photo ops. Soon after they were seated, the attendees began to doze off and fall from their seats, with nobody left alert enough to pick them up. The conference was closed on the second day after the neighbors complained that the continuous snoring was making their pets paranoid.
The tone of the event was set by the Director of the Expediency Council of Iran, who nodded off before finishing his welcoming address. "Today more than ever, the Islamic World is in need of wakefulness of Muslims," he said as he slowly slid behind the pulpit.
They trekked thousands of miles in searing heat... They crossed the border risking life and limb... They get paid peanuts... They do jobs others refuse to do... Some people back in their own country treat them with little respect... They live crammed together in substandard conditions... They rarely see their families... They have to learn a foreign language and culture... They recognize only one flag...
Barack Obama's massive pre-primary rally in Portland, OR, was aided in no small part by the appearance of an uber-hip band. Their gimmick? They start each performance with the Soviet national anthem.
Having successfully shed the burden of conservative values, the Republican National Committee has retooled and is now launching a new ad campaign to let the American people know that Democrats aren't the only party of empty slogans and slick marketing techniques. Below is a sneak preview of the new RNC banners, print ads, and promotional items you will be seeing often in the coming months.
BOSTON, May 17 - Reuters reported that "U.S. Sen. Edward Kennedy, a leading Democrat and patriarch of a prominent U.S. political dynasty, suffered a seizure on Saturday but hours later was talking with family at his side in a Boston hospital."
The unverbalized question on everyone's mind is, has the Empress finally initiated the feared nuclear sequence by terminating the most influential superdelegate who was among the first to abandon her and join Obama's faction?
On May 2, Chile's Chaiten Volcano released a gigantic cloud of emissions composed of ash, steam, smoke, and various oddball gases whose estimated amount equals to one trillion cow farts, a UN-sponsored climate change study revealed. "In just one day, this volcano set the Kyoto Protocol back 15 years, obliterating the otherwise outstanding success of our multi-billion dollar efforts to curb the release of cow farts into the atmosphere," complained Chairman of Intergovernmental Panel on Cow Farts (IPCF) Rajendra K. Pachauri at an emergency conference at Grand Plaza Hotel in New York yesterday. "Therefore, we demand that this eruption be considered unscientific and thus disqualified from inclusion into climate change models. Need I mention that it wasn't sanctioned by the the United Nations?"
Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers of progress from exploring the wide range of tasks their sexual organs can accomplish. Thinking is one of them.
I once started writing a comment on the Offensive Arts thread but it turned out bigger and more serious than I had expected. It kept growing the next day and the day after that. When it was fully grown I trimmed it a bit, brushed off some odd pieces, and sent it to Pajamas Media.
DETROIT, MICHIGAN - Post-May Day depression is a growing malady that affects many progressives and pro-Communists each year, usually beginning late in the afternoon on May 1 and continuing until the morning of the next May Day. For some, it is a result of too much sign-making and short-range marching with very few people giving a crap. Many left-wing agitators in the United States and other free nations have mild symptoms, but others are subjected to an almost paralyzing agony.
This article shows how dejected collectivists around the world can combat May Day depression by just taking a few simple precautions.
Carter hard at work as Hamas members prepare to launch fireworks in celebration.
After finishing Habitat for Hamsters in San Francisco, President Jimmy Carter went on to start a new Habitat for Hamas project in Gaza, building new homes for families whose homes were destroyed by Israeli bulldozers in retaliation for suicide bombings.
Jimmy Carter says he feels “quite at ease” working with Hamas leader Khaled Mashaal. I've been meeting with Hamas leaders for years, I find them to be peace-loving people, and they are just misunderstood by bigoted Americans. If Israel would dismantle their system of Apartheid, and meet all the demands of Hamas, everyone could live in peace and harmony.
Dodging the flak over his description of typical small-town rednecks as those who turn to guns and Bibles if left without government supervision, Obama has once again skillfully turned the tables on his opponents with the same maneuver he used during the Jeremiah Wright "controversy": he returned to Philadelphia and delivered a sweeping speech on the legacy of rednecks in a post-redneck society and the importance of establishing a full government control over the redneck territories - a speech that political strategists agree hearkens back to those of America's founders, and deserves a similar place in history.
To many progressives Soviet space program symbolized the superiority of planned socialist economy over the greedy and selfish capitalist market. But the Greater Good requires sacrifices. The very first unprecedented and heroic sacrifice in space was made not by Gagarin, but by Laika the Space Dog, who volunteered to be the first living creature in space four years prior to Gagarin. And unlike that of Gagarin's, Laika's flight plan didn't involve a return from orbit, which makes this dog's dedication to progress and socialism even more endearing to the hearts of all common people around the world, and a shining example for all progressives to follow.
Now that the idea of social awareness and class struggle has reached American pulpits, it was only a matter of time before progressive historical revisionism left its academic confines and flooded the nation's churches, raising consciousness of the worshiping masses and prompting them to re-evaluate archaic concepts of "faith," "freedom," and "morality." Armed with the winning theory of class struggle, more and more oppressed churchgoers are finding the courage to speak out against violations of human rights in the ancient world, and indeed against the entire litany of "traditional" "conceptions" based on the "Bible" and its "teachings."
In this sense, the conference of religious leaders and scholars from around the world, titled "From Security to Homelessness: Moses and the Renegade Exodus of the Hebrews" was the first major event of its kind, focusing on Moses' fraudulent activities and the resulting major humanitarian disaster called the Exodus.
Western terror labs have finally produced a weapon so horrific that it has shaken Islamic world to the core, making over a billion people from Morocco to Indonesia fear for the survival of their freedoms, morals, beliefs, cultures, governments, and the very life itself. The new weapon of terror, the so-called "Cartoon," is capable of delivering an equivalent of one million Hiroshima bombs, resulting in a horrendous mass destruction like none seen on Earth before.
"I see no way to combat this horrific infidel weapon other than by balanced, fair, and rational hostage-taking, bomb-throwing, and embassy-burning, based on strict Islamic law and mutual understanding of our commin goal, which is the Islamization of Earth. These methods have proven efficient in dealing with the West in the past..."
Within this period we have posted nine million articles that were viewed by sixty billion people in more than three hundred thousand countries. Our stories were quoted on ninety million websites and translated into fifteen thousand languages. Our mailroom workers responded to sixty four million fan emails, and the site membership has exceeded seventy hundred million registered users.
Play a game with the MSM: escape from reality with stories of myth and magic!
The mystery letter of the day is "D." Why don't we hear this phrase in the news anymore: "The Culture of Corruption" as in: "Culture of corruption is so pre-2006 elections"?
The answer is in the magical letter "D" next to a politician's name, which tends to vanish mysteriously in news media reports!
Brought to you by the MSM: "Indulging your fantasies because the truth is just too hard to bear"
Did I tell you how I organized and piloted a relief mission to bring penicilin, amoxycilin, and 1,000,000 MREs for the starving Children™ of Bosnia? I remember like it was yesterday. The tiny island nation of Bosnia was alone in its war against fascism. America had yet to enter the war, but the Children™ cried for help and something had to be done. Did I mention the Children™? So I also brought 10,000,000 condoms on a tip from Donna Shalala.
When we entered Bosnian airspace the sky was filled with the Serbian Luftwaffe intent on shooting down our humanitarian expedition. Sinbad manned the rear gun turret and Sheryl Crow... uhm... womanned the belly turret. The flak was very heavy in that dark, cold and rainy night. We could see the bright flashes and black oily smoke of the bursting shells. We had never flown a night mission before. It was hell!
Reinforcing his image of an exceptional orator and a formidable debater, Barack Obama used the controversy surrounding his pastor's provocative sermons to deliver a major speech aimed at uniting Americans regardless of racial, religious, or sexual identity, and bringing them all together for the common cause of fighting capitalism, private property, individualism, self-sufficiency, and other harmful prejudices that stand in the way of change and hope for a better and monolithic America.
"I can no more disown Reverend Wright than I can disown class struggle and redistribution of wealth," said charismatic Obama who is believed to stand above the racial divide. His speech was often interrupted by a thunderous applause from the audience of political activists and news reporters, so united in their eagerness that it was impossible to tell one from the other.
How can religious rubes be lured into the progressive fold of the Democratic Party if nobody in the progressive community can read the Bible without dismissing it as an odious collection of outdated tales filled with unpleasant people, unhygienic brawlers, monarchism, and lunatic notions about the existence of God?
The New Modern Library's Progressive Bible is written within a scope of only 200 words to make it accessible to everyone. It is produced in various versions, each of which targets a wide range of demographics, from God-free to God-lite (less than 3% opiate for the masses) to the Rick James "Superfreak" Version, and is suitable for any occasion - pick one that best fits your current moral needs. In the Egalitarian Bible, for instance, God is equal to everybody else in the story. He votes, drives a hybrid, is in debt, uses recreational drugs, hates Bush, participates in peace marches, complains about the minimum wage, and feels lousy about nothing like everybody else.
Reverend Wright posing for photos with his nephew after a sermon.
Not since the "peace" riots of the 1960s has there been a cause more useful to the Party than Rev. Wright's "God Damn Amerika" movement. Everyone is acepted under Jeremiah Wright's large tent as long as they accept a few simple dogmas and agree to repeat them five times a day during prayers:
Being White is immoral. Every White person is guilty of conspiring against the Blacks
Being rich is immoral. Every rich person is guilty of conspiring against the poor
America is the infamous product of conspiracy by rich White males to create the source of all evil. Later it turned even more evil under the rule of Zionist puppet masters.
Jesus was a homeless African-American male who fell victim to a conspiracy of the rich Whites against the poor Blacks that resulted in racial profiling, followed by torture and crucifiction
According to a Wall Street Journal article, suggestively titled Spitzer's Rise and Fall, the governor liked to play rough. The transcripts from the bugged Washington hotel room, made available to The People's Cube, seem to confirm it. Heard from inside Room 871 on Valentine's Eve, 2008, shortly after 10pm:
"Have you been bad?" "Ooooh, I've been a big, bad corporation...."
The famous Beltway bordello that was shut down after 13 years of impeccable service last October is now fighting back with a vengeance. Madam Deborah Jeane Palfrey and her lawyer claim their business was in no way different from the generally accepted liberal practices of simulating love and compassion for the downtrodden with the purpose of amassing large fortunes and obtaining power. "Shutting down a bordello in Washington, D.C. equates to the criminalization of the liberal lifestyle and politics of progressivism," says Madam's civil lawyer, stating that sex workers are being unfairly singled out from the general Beltway population of politicians, lobbyists, media celebrities, news editors, journalists, and special interest groups.
Still glowing with the success of his sting operations against gun sellers in five other states, Mayor Bloomberg said it was also time to hold major airlines and large airplane manufacturers accountable for the thousands of deaths caused each year by illegal airplanes.
Speaking to a bipartisan council of mayors opposed to airplane violence, Bloomberg said, "There is no issue more important than fighting crime. On 9-11 thousands of Americans were murdered with airplanes, and most airplanes used in crimes are hijacked illegally...
<OUT OF KARAKTER> Hugo Chavez is threatening to invade neighboring Colombia after he gave $300 million to the Marxist terrorists of FARC. On March 15-19 2008, the international Left is going to hold traditional "anti-war" rallies. Will they condemn the fascistic regime of Hugo Chavez? Not likely. Progressives don't oppose wars started by socialist dictators. Their idea of "peace" was best expressed by Karl Marx: "Peace is the absence of opposition to socialism."
Fun With Quotes: Interactive Collective Quiz Warning: some questions are more equal than others, and some answers will make you want to slap yourself upside the head with a shovel.
Although vPlugs are a valuable tool to assist you in voting for a candidate you don't support, Voter Aides Inc. is not responsible for broken campaign promises or any other use of presidential powers. We make no claims of a smaller government, lower tax rates, strict constructionist judges, free speech protection, appropriate interrogation of captured terrorists, continued Gitmo policy, securing our borders, drilling in ANWR, and rejection of man-made global warming myths.
Last month Comrade Red Square gave an interview to Pajamas Media about the heroic struggle of the masses to shake off the reactionary conspiracy of the Dead White Males. We didn't publish it then because this Party organ was busy adapting the current truth to the changing Party line. But that time is over! As one of the most outspoken organs in America, there's a time to speak up, and that time has come! NOW WITH NEW, EXCITING PICTURES!
Culture = A Massive Sham Perpetrated by Rich Capitalist Oppressors
Laugh all you want at George Lakoff's advice for the Democrats to win by framing the debate and altering the vocabulary. Language is a key battleground in culture wars, and as soon as you step into your opponent's frame of reference and start identifying bad weather as climate change, illiteracy as public education, and freedom as desperate need of care and supervision, you may lose not just the debate...
I am His Excellency President for Life, Field Marshall Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin Dada, VC ['Victorious Cross'], DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular, and Professor of Geography. I have come here to endorse Hillary Rodham's presidency and answer any of your questions in this regard.
Roger Waters takes 'The Wall' Concerts to 57 Islamic Countries to Protest against Sharia Law and Execution of Homosexuals by having Walls Fall on Them
Having supported every wall-related cause and courageously stared down the free world over hundreds of minor injustices involving walls, co-founder and former lead singer of Pink Floyd Roger Waters has announced that he will take 'The Wall' performances to the Muslim world to protest the practice of crushing homosexuals with walls.
"I've already dragged my Wall concerts around the world to protest against walls, fences, and miscellaneous types of enclosures," explains Waters.
The masses often ask me, "Comrade Gore, why not power our houses by collecting the static electricity created by rubbing woolens and balloons against our hair and skin? Is this not the true People's Power that will end forever the greed and oppression of Big Electricity by giving them a jolt of the Revolution?"
Here's my answer. I came up with it during one of my Leer Jet trips to Asia. The place was crawling with useless, carbon-breathing babies. The babies are the ultimate mindless consumers. They don't contribute anything to society except waste, gas, noise, and general disturbance...
LAS VEGAS--On the eve of the Nevada MegaCaucuses, presidential hopefuls of both parties are intensifying efforts to woo local voters with pledges to bail out gamblers who have lost more than 40% of their income, and by offering bold stimulus programs to cap casinos' minimum table bet requirement at $5, and $3 on Megabucks slot machines. Additionally, the candidates propose unionizing "temporary gambling collectives" and setting up subsidized "second chance" training programs to increase the winning potential of flustered heads of households. Proposals also include incentives to struggling Sin City industries, from catering to prostitution and strip clubs, as well as various rescue packages to casinos that were hardest hit by Jumbo Jackpot payouts.
Last night we got an email from Pookie at Free Republic:
"...I run the daily cartoon thread at Free Republic where I occasionally post your wonderful work. IAC, I post more than 13,000 cartoons per year & at the end of each month several of us select the top 15 for that month (at the end of the year, members of Free Republic can vote on the resulting 180 cartoons in the Best Of The Year preliminary round voting)... Your cartoon finished 10th for Best Cartoon of 2007! I've attached your "trophy...."
A syndicated Canadian columnist introduces the People's Cube to his readers:
A GAME THAT NO ONE EVER LOSES MAKES A PERFECT STATEMENT ABOUT OUR TIMES John Martin, Special to The Province Published Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Every era is partially defined by the popular culture that emerged during that period. And now there's a product that speaks volumes about today's particular point in time...
If you are a foul-mouthed progressive candidate suffering from a poor public perception, this product is guaranteed to leave your tongue and the nation's memory sparkling clean and ready for your leadership. PeopleSpeak™ mouth detergent and word-replacement formula works by filtering out inappropriate statements, automatically replacing them with nurturing words that reach into people's hearts and establish the positive model of care, motherhood, breastfeeding, and unconditional handouts. To prove its effectiveness, our scientists took some of the most vulgar statements made by Hillary Clinton over the years - and converted them...
Industrial Nations Threaten Globe Again A new menace to the planet has been discovered and validated by a consensus of politically reliable scientists: Anthropogenic Continental Drift (ACD) will result in catastrophic damage and untold suffering, unless immediate indemnity payments from the United Sates, Europe, and Australia be made to the governments of non-industrial nations, to counteract this man-made threat to the world's habitats.
Do you feel miserable and guilty? You should! Obviously, in the past year you didn't care enough! You MUST make a resolution that every day of this year, you will make at least ten people around you feel guilty and miserable. Spread the guilt! We are here to help! As soon as the number of miserable people reaches a tipping point, progress will occur. By not acting now, you will become Bush's willing accomplice! If you don't want that to happen, forward this letter as instructed!
Hillary Clinton yesterday unveiled her new campaign theme highlighting her experience as a favorite American folk hero. Delivered in colorful vivid oratory and sweeping grandeur is a vision of her bold campaign message: "My experience as a mythical creature has fully prepared me to deal with the unexpected."
"There I was!" she declared, throwing her arms akimbo like an old war horse at the hunting lodge preparing to tell a tale of life and death on the Saranghetti. "Iranian student radicals to the right of me, Mullahs to the left. Was I frightened? No. I planted my feet firmly in the sand, I looked those savages straight in the eye and I said: you release those hostages, you! You release those uninsured middle-class Americans from our embassy right now before we take office! Don't get me mad, you people don't know who you're dealing with! And the rest is history."
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
Pelosi: we won.
Philies: so did we
Study: Global Warming linked to consumption of beans and beef patties
Pro-Obama gamers discover 'cheat codes' in U.S. Constitution
Police trained in using end of life counselingtechniques to negotiate suicide threats
Obama commits more troops to War on Fox News, still awaiting Afghan troop surge
Pass Rush: NFL okays Fidel Castro's bid to buy Miami Dolphins
Study: the road to hell paved with Nobel Peace Prizes
Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize. Wishing all our readers a Happy April First!
Roman Polanski named new School Safety Czar in wake of Jennings scandal
Charles Manson: 'Leave Polanski alone, hasn't he suffered enough?'
Obama loses Olympic bid, will try for Special Olympics next
Carter: if the IOC doesn't give the Olympics to Chicago, they're racists
Saudis: the word 'assassina- tion' will never be the same
Al Qaeda: 'We shove bombs up our butts'
Richard Gere denies Al Qaeda membership
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
Study: 90% of G20 protestors driven to Pittsburgh by mom
Ahmadinejad: Iran needs enriched uranium to purchase large IKEA sofa
Obama: If we don't bomb Iran now, we'll never pass healthcare reform
Taliban hires DC lobbyist in effort to get Obama's attention
Missile defense: Czechs angry at Obama for being canceled
Media study: Caucasian toddlers are more likely to cut eye-holes into "blankies"
Democrat strategist: 9 out of 10 white infants prefer cross burning over mother's milk
Mahmoud’s Liquidation Warehouse: 50% off Israel - this weekend only - it won’t last long
Obama: Black kids still forced to beat people up at back
of bus
Charlie Gibson: Neil Armstrong went where?
Obamacare, it’s finger-licking good!
Ben and Jerry release 'Hate Monger Bigot' flavor to celebrate those who support traditional marriage
'Shiver me Timbers!': Somalia unveils People's Institute for Redistribution, Adventurism & Thalassic Extortion (PIRATE)
Energy Czar: to save energy, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off
Other 49 states impose carbon tax on California due to wildfire smoke
Following Scotland's lead, US Justice Dept releases Charles Manson, citing battle with chronic hemorrhoids
Obama to media: Please respect our girls' privacy, especially Mr. Letterman
Teachable moment: Obama to hold 'beer summit' between offended Post Office and UPS
Taliban sends protesters to Afghan town hall meetings in attempt to get Obama administration to withdraw Gotham villains working for the Common Good™
White House recalibrates description of town hall protesters from 'terrorists' to 'man-made Nazi fascist pigs'
Experts: when buying Astroturf, remember to look for the Union LabelNational-socialist health care?
Drudge insulates self from White House anger by naming his site MoveOn.Drudge
ABC greenlights epic 12-part miniseries based on Beer Summit
Moveon.org petitions Dems to leave Bush/Cheney alone and 'move on to pressing issues facing the nation'
Palin: Critics ipso facto are quitters
Honduran ex-president Zelaya holds press- conference, presents birth certificate for examination
Cambridge: fighting racial bias, Obama picks black scholar Henry Louis Gates as Door Jigging Czar
Obama: white cop acted like inexperienced rookie, but being one I may be biased
On the international front: Obama brings back Cold War, switches sides
Signs of recovery: WH study finds number of searches for 'economic depression' on Google lower than it could have been under FDR
Obama inherited broken teleprompter from George W Bush
Zelaya: we support the democratically-elected President of the USA, even though he has strongly opposed American policies
Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground
Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate
SPONSORED BY:
Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument
Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life
Obama hurts a fly, forgets to read Miranda rights
ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional
Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign
DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing'
Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!!
CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought
White House tree commits suicide over economic policy
Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush'
Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse'
In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities
Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools
Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list
Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote
Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind visit our new Che Heart store
Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it"
Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals
Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls
Obama's rich supporters chagrined to find he's a class worrior and not the cynical hypocrite they'd counted on
Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever'
Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research'
Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!
Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden
Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu
Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram'
DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberryDow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15
WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents useDHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck
Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank
Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"
Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech
Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive
Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism Obama gives Queen a shovel click here NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'
click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
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Carter hard at work as Hamas members prepare to launch fireworks in celebration.
delivered a sweeping speech on the legacy of rednecks in a post-redneck society and the importance of establishing a full government control over the redneck territories - a speech that political strategists agree hearkens back to those of America's founders, and deserves a similar place in history. 
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
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Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
