© 2007 Directorate of Historical Revisionism, Karl Marx Treatment Center.
His name was Ollie and he came to Earth looking for an honest, self-reliant, optimistic, and technically inclined nation that could benefit from a contact with his more advanced civilization.
"Whoa, whoa!" I raised my finger. "To call yourself advanced you must take at least three diversity training classes. What planet are you from, really?"
The cast of characters include president Barack (Barack Obama), who thinks he's the coolest, funniest, best president ever - which, of course, makes him the uncoolest, most obnoxious and annoying president as far as the country is concerned...
WASHINGTON -- Comrade Red Square made a highly bizarre - and occasionally lucid -appearance before a congressional committee on Friday to testify about the benefits of migrant labor force to one-party rule. Staying in character as People's Director of Unanimity and Redistribution of Speech, Red Square also shared his 'vast' experience in the proper conduct of party purges, as well as demonizing and crushing the opposition. Red Square told lawmakers that a day shoveling beets alongside migrant masses convinced him that the peasant class is a "great, great alternative to the unreliable American voters."
The Leader of a small but vocal fundamentalist cult in Washington, DC, says he will go ahead with his plan to burn a pile of taxpayers' dollars this Friday.
Scheduled to take place in front of the White House, the money-burning ceremony will kick off a planned "systematic campaign of burning, shredding, drowning, catapulting, and otherwise obliterating trillions of tax dollars throughout the nation until the 2012 elections," declared Barack Obama, the shadowy figure behind this controversial plan. "My faith tells me that all money is evil; burning your tax dollars is my protest against the values of this prosperous nation that I have sworn to fundamentally bankrupt," he said.
Owning and caring for a congressional pet doesn't have to be a difficult or burdensome experience. Election season isn't all fun and treats, especially for our furry friends. From media poisons to legal hazards, the season is a minefield! Get the most up-to-date pet care tips and tricks from the Democratic caucus experts in behavior, nutrition, poison control, veterinary medicine and the human-animal bond.
The bond between the owner and the pet is difficult for non-pet-owners to understand, but for all of us who have a pet in our House of Representatives, we know the joy and pleasure these faithful companions can bring. Through a little knowledge and special care, you can make dogs, reptiles, and small rodents a healthy, happy part of ruling over the little people for years to come.
The police made my job difficult by herding the demonstrators into tight pens, restricting movement on the sidewalks, and blocking most side streets from pedestrian traffic. I don't think many people have walked that day as much as I have, taking pictures in many different places, including the opposition rally next the City Hall. I also snapped pictures of "Islamophile" infiltrators and their signs.
So this should be a very informative report.
The bird lied. That is, the protesting community was there, and so were numerous media organs. But the anticipated Muslim teach-in, sit-in, and bendover-in by the local Islamic community had been suspended by the City until next week, to avoid possible scheduling conflicts with certain arriving Koran-burn-in communities.
It you haven't guessed yet, this contest was not about winning or losing. Like most other contests and awards (the Oscars, the Pulitzer, the Nobels) it was a tool to propagandize, agitate, and advance a more or less hidden agenda of social change.
As a result,
The First Prize and an autographed copy
of Shakedown Socialism went to...
Of all the slips of the tongue and unintentional admissions by this administration, Robert Gibbs' "Professional Left" comment may well be the one they wish they could squeeze back into their collective windpipe the most. That was, perhaps, the first objective analysis we've heard from Gibbs in his career as Obama's press secretary - and it's likely to be the last one. For speaking his mind, Gibbs has been urged to resign in disgrace, as if he had committed treason. But why the uproar? Just who exactly is the Professional Left?The term "Professional Left" denotes a growing industry that specializes in converting other people's money into an ideological product, while making a good living out of it in the process.
It's funny how life turns out. That "Communists For Kerry" sign was designed by me, on this very computer.
To cover all possible bases, the declaration included a list of other random offenses, such as, the terrorist group's failure to embrace the local LGBT community, their complete lack of interest in environmental activism and in raising awareness about climate change, turning a blind eye to the existence of a "glass ceiling" for female suicide bombers, and a few documented instances of not separating paper from plastic. "This is not a behavior most self-respecting radicals would condone, nor expect from fellow radicals," Obama said.
Prior to July 4, 1776, not a single person in the world starved, got sick, worked hard for a living, or experienced any pain and anxiety. No one had ever been oppressed or unfairly exploited because the oppressive and unfair American system had not yet been created.
While history doesn't work in subjunctive mood, art does. Below is a selection of Cube-worthy fantasies we prepared for our readers.
We on this site are sounding our unanimous NO to negativity! We are preemptively opposing it with our own positive, loving images of Mohammed that will raise awareness and educate the nonbelievers about the correct way to treat the Muslim community and vice versa.
The news that Security and Exchange Commission (SEC) employees were using government computers to watch porn sites on the job while the country was sinking into a financial crisis, has caused the national media to stop the ongoing campaign of bashing the bishops and punishing the Pope, and focus on exposing the SEC - an organ largely responsible for enforcing the President's policies of spanking the suspects of banking violations.
The SEC workers, who were being paid between $99,000 and $223,000 a year for sharpening their pencils, were nervously gripping their glue sticks and whiteouts as their chief executive Mrs. Palmer and her five associates were taking a stand before the members of the media. "A dirty mind might call these images sexually suggestive," she spoke into the microphone. "But our staffers merely observed best practices while getting hand-on experience in managing the growing crisis, as well as researching new angles in our handling of the finance industry and stimulating the economy."
"They stole our entire platform, rebranded it 'progressive', and claimed it as their own," declared a CPUSA spokesperson at a press conference in San Francisco. "And we communists say, not so fast! Not in this country anyway, where we still have property rights and the rule of law, thank God! Actually, let me rephrase that..."
The long wait (3 months, to be exact) is over! Having spent more than three months in a temporal wormhole, we have re-emerged with the new upgraded People's Cube website - just in time for the glorious tax collection season!
The new WYSIWYG editor is much better and more reliable than the old Rich Text/Poor Text Editor, which has been put against the wall to end its misery. Posting clipart, videos, uploading images, and formatting text has never been easier! You might call it "editor for the rich" if it weren't available for free to the most oppressed workers and peasants among us.
Given that the most optimistic evaluation of Obama's stimulus plan included this language, "If we do everything right, there's still a 30 percent chance we'll get it wrong," and that the government's record of "getting everything right" is shaky at best, the new department's current goal is to prepare for the impending "30%" outcome.
If you and your family find yourself among the 30-percenters, you may submit your Grievance Report, which the government will redress within the limits of its estimated efficiency rate of 70%.
This tax season you have surely wondered why you weren't allowed to claim your talking parakeet as a dependent. Many of you maintain a strong loving relationship with your cats, dogs, hamsters, or sheep. You can't imagine life without your pet - just like your next door neighbor whose companion happens to be human - yet you are denied the same rights, respect, and recognition that your neighbor enjoys - only because your companion happens to be a member of another species.
GLORY BE TO THE PARTY!
If you have seen yesterday's announcement about the site's glorious people's upgrade, you may think that this is it. But let it be known that the selfless database conversion has been a heroic, massive, and unparalleled failure! As Karl Marx has predicted, the old content refused to be redistributed equally in the new Party-approved space.
We shall redouble our efforts and in the next few days hope to achieve a glorious liquidation of the digital kulaks and saboteurs that stand in the way of the people's unstoppable march towards a just and equitable user experience and website functionality.
In the meantime, consider yesterday's announcement an International April Fools Joke. In fact, we must strive to make the Day of World-Wide Solidarity of Fools happen not just in April, but all year round!
Fools of the World, Unite!
April 1: The People Cube is Five Years Old!
The People Cube's Greatest Hits (in no particular order)
| Reconciliation: When the wants and desires |
of the Royals outweigh the will of the people.
Another instant People's Classic by Maksim!
Comrades, recently I called in a favor from an apparatchik in Colonel 7.62's department and obtained a combination Visa to The Future™ and hall pass. I was wondering what kind of glorious utopia awaits us when Chairman Obama's work is done well underway and Changeable Hopeyness has taken hold. With the benefit of the top-secret technology in the Department of Chronological Warfare (and a couple of cartons of cigarettes), I was able to take a look...
The date: January 20, 2019*, Chairman Obama's last full day in office. Here is his top secret schedule from that day...
Which is exactly what happened to Cindy "campout" Sheehan and David "Gloria" Swanson when they started peaceoftheaction.org as part of a new scheme to lure the unwashed progs into a tent camp in front of the White House, to shake fists and demand a surrender of America's "imperial forces" to all enemies, foreign and domestic. A People's Cube member who discovered their omission immediately bought peaceoftheaction.com for us to play with...
"If the U.S.economy collapses, so will China because we are so heavily invested in your country," said Wen Jiabao. "We thought we were investing in a nation of the world's greatest entrepreneurs, but a recent analysis shows that America has become little more than a home to overpaid union workers, whiney media, and spoiled welfare recipients."
"Our fears were confirmed last year when Americans elected you, Mr. Obama, as their president. But, to use one of your own expressions, America is too big to fail and so we will have to bail you out. This is no longer your decision. As your biggest creditor, we will now decide how to get the best return on our investment. You got elected on a vague promise of change; now we're giving you the specifics."
Rubiks & Rubik’s Cube ® used by special individual permission of Seven Town Ltd.
OFA admits its advice for area activists to give Obamacare Talk at shooting ranges was a bad idea
President resolves Obamacare debacle with executive order declaring all Americans equally healthy
Obama to Iran: "If you like your nuclear program, you can keep your nuclear program"
Obama: "I'm not particularly ideological; I believe in a good pragmatic five-year plan"
Shocker: Obama had no knowledge he'd been reelected until he read about it in the local newspaper last week
NSA marks National Best Friend Day with official announcement: "Government is your best friend; we know you like no one else, we're always there, we're always willing to listen"
Al Qaeda cancels attack on USA citing launch of Obamacare as devastating enough
The President's latest talking point on Obamacare: "I didn't build that"
Carney: huge ObamaCare deductibles won't look as bad come hyperinflation
Washington Redskins drop 'Washington' from their name as offensive to most Americans
Poll: 83% of Americans favor cowboy diplomacy over rodeo clown diplomacy
Obama administration gets serious, threatens Syria with ObamaCare
Obama authorizes the use of Vice President Joe Biden's double-barrel shotgun to fire a couple of blasts at Syria
Sharpton: "British royals should have named baby 'Trayvon.' By choosing 'George' they sided with white Hispanic racist Zimmerman"
Nancy Pelosi extends abortion rights to the birds and the bees
Hubble discovers planetary drift to the left
Obama: 'If I had a daughter-in-law, she would look like Rachael Jeantel'
FISA court rubberstamps statement denying its portrayal as government's rubber stamp
Every time ObamaCare gets delayed, a Julia somewhere dies
GOP to Schumer: 'Force full implementation of ObamaCare before 2014 or Dems will never win another election'
Janet Napolitano: TSA findings reveal that since none of the hijackers were babies, elderly, or Tea Partiers, 9/11 was not an act of terrorism
News Flash: Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA) can see Canada from South Dakota
Drudge Report reduces font to fit all White House scandals onto one page
Obama: the IRS is a constitutional right, just like the Second Amendment
Jay Carney to critics: 'Pinocchio never said anything inconsistent'
Obama: If I had a gay son, he'd look like Jason Collins
IRS targeting pro-gay-marriage LGBT groups leads to gayest tax revolt in U.S. history
Boston: Obama Administration to reclassify marathon bombing as 'sportsplace violence'
Study: Success has many fathers but failure becomes a government program
Michelle Obama praises weekend rampage by Chicago teens as good way to burn calories and stay healthy
This Passover, Obama urges his subjects to paint lamb's blood above doors in order to avoid the Sequester
White House to American children: Sequester causes layoffs among hens that lay Easter eggs; union-wage Easter Bunnies to be replaced by Mexican Chupacabras
Time Mag names Hugo Chavez world's sexiest corpse
Boy, 8, pretends banana is gun, makes daring escape from school
Study: Free lunches overpriced, lack nutrition
Joe Salazar defends the right of women to be raped in gun-free environment: 'rapists and rapees should work together to prevent gun violence for the common good'
Dept. of Health and Human Services eliminates rape by reclassifying assailants as 'undocumented sex partners'
Deeming football too violent, Obama moves to introduce Super Drone Sundays instead
Japan offers to extend nuclear umbrella to cover U.S. should America suffer devastating attack on its own defense spending
Feminists organize one billion women to protest male oppression with one billion lap dances
Urban community protests Mayor Bloomberg's ban on extra-large pop singers owning assault weapons
Concerned with mounting death toll, Taliban offers to send peacekeeping advisers to Chicago
Karl Rove puts an end to Tea Party with new 'Republicans For Democrats' strategy aimed at losing elections
Answering public skepticism, President Obama authorizes unlimited drone attacks on all skeet targets throughout the country
Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to 'Traps'
New York Times hacked by Chinese government, Paul Krugman's economic policies stolen
White House: when President shoots skeet, he donates the meat to food banks that feed the middle class
To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead
State Dept to send 100,000 American college students to China as security for US debt obligations
Jay Carney: Al Qaeda is on the run, they're just running forward
Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects
World ends; S&P soars
Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood
Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway
Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013
As Santa's workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of 'naughty and nice' list
Freak flying pig accident causes bacon to fly off shelves
Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future
Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs
Imam Rauf's peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'
Study: Obama's threat to burn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties
Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years
Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh
Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild"
Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness
Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke
Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights
Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse'
Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't
Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost
White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus
Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed
Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom"
Obama refutes charges of him being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?"
Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!
Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'
Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'
People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies
Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"
Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law
Enraged by accusation that they are doing Obama's bidding, media leaders demand instructions from White House on how to respond
Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff thereof
Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels
Poll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi Party
May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above
Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"
Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name
Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich
Cancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"
Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory
White House: "Let them eat statistics"
Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama
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