A chimp sits where Abe sat at a place once called the Lincoln Memorial. Under the reign of the Obama-Clinton dynasty in the year of Our Goddess 2084, all species are equal. So sayeth Peter Singer and Cass Sunstein.
Why should we privilege linear thought and language that signifies? The howls of the chimp convey more meaning than the Gettysburg Address to the younger-aged humans here on a civic engagement field trip to the capital of the True Community Democracy. Common Core dictates a common style of reading of all "texts"-- the EPA directives that have saved the Planet are as important as a president presiding over a civil war. But if war is something that need not be remembered, do we need to keep open veterans monuments? The Leader in 2084 in his wisdom simply dispatches drones to eliminate those who disrupt the Peace Plan...
Stunning. A close scrutiny of Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer
reveals hitherto unsuspected political shenanigans. Think for a moment, then carefully parse the meaning behind the seemingly innocent:Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Rudy began life, went through his educational and young adult years as a Conservative, one of the Red voters. Could he be a slightly colorized Tea Partier or, heaven forefend, a Stosselite libertarian?Had a very shiny nose
He used no make-up, no powder or medicaments to matte down the healthy but unwanted sheen of his prominent proboscis. He was bold in his assertions, unafraid of his commitment. He was, in the parlance of the day, Out There. He would take no guff before his time. Or during. Or, of course, sort of after.
A national campaign in support of Phil Robertson has asked me to do some promotional banners.
It all started when Mrs. Red Square, who is a HUGE fan of Duck Dynasty, decided to participate in a December 24th national conference call to strategize the defense. At some point she started talking into the phone and the next thing I knew, she volunteered my graphic services for their campaign of mailing thousands of rubber ducks and postcards to A&E studios.
A passenger attempts Obamacare talk during
flight, with predictable results
An airline passenger had to be duct-taped to his seat after becoming insufferably overbearing to other passengers during a trans-Pacific flight.
According to witnesses, the unidentified man got up in front of the entire economy section area of the flight just after the captain of the flight had turned off the fasten seat belts sign and demanded everyone to pay attention as it was time for, "talking to all of you about signing up for Obamacare after we land."
The man then started "hitting all the canned OFA talking points," according to airline spokesman Minoru Sato, who also said the passenger "just kept raising his voice as the boos got louder and louder from all the other passengers on the plane, but he just couldn't or wouldn't take the hint."
Merry People's Christmas to all the People's Cube readers and kollektive kontributors! We hope you all get equal presents this year, with not a single one being better, more expensive, or more romantic than others.
Dedicated to the equality of Christmas gifts, I always give Mrs. Red Square one and the same People's Cube for every Christmas, and she also always gives me a People's Cube. This helps us to maintain our family unit's relationship stable and uneventful, with guaranteed certainty of outcomes.
Our Christmas tree is decorated entirely with People's Cubes we have given each other over the years, and there's always two more new Cubes to be found under the tree, wrapped in reused and recycled packaging from the year before.
Guess what Mrs. Red Square and I will be doing this Christmas? Sitting underneath a mistlebeet bouquet and having a talk about Obamacare, of course!
Don't let your holidays get ruined by liberal relatives!
Simply slip Prozac Marshmallows into their hot chocolate drink and let the medicine do its Christmas miracle. Mixed with a fast-acting sleeping aid, Prozac Marshmallows will quickly ease your resident agitator's obsessive compulsive disorder and will let you have the peaceful family holiday you all deserve.
Side effects may include involuntary bowel movements. Gently advise your liberal relative to slip into comfortable pajamas as early in the evening as possible.
First to weigh in was Patrick O'Malley of the Alliance of Alcoholics and Philanderers. "What is wrong with this man?" he asked between sips of whiskey. "Everybody knows this nation was built on alcohol and infidelity. I was hurt more by his comments than my wife when she found out about my 11th affair. I can't help it if I was born adulterous, and along comes this bigot acting like it's a choice and a wrong one at that."
O'Malley's sentiments were echoed by former president Bill Clinton, who said, "There are serial rapists and adulterers out there who feel really marginalized by this kind of exclusive language. I'm here to tell them that I feel their pain."
It's never too late to do your Christmas shopping on the Cube because in the Motherland Christmas happens two weeks later!
Seriously, though, our Christmas promotion has been delayed by a long wait for Zazzle to approve our Obamacare-mocking cards and stamps. We waited in vain because Zazzle rejected them both. We described the story in a separate post
We still have lots to offer:
NOBODY'S A BOOB WITH THE PEOPLE'S CUBE!
A deviant drug user, former hippie and homeless man, he was known for his kleptomania, duplicity, senile behavior, and ignorance of the modern world, spending three nights a week in Canada in order to milk the welfare state, and sleeping under his office desk the remainder of the week. Mr. "Beale's" or "Creed's" long absences at the EPA coincided with his employment at Dunder Mifflin, where he once admitted to being involved in many religious cults, saying, "You have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader" - a line of thinking consistent with being a highest-paid expert on climate change at the EPA.
The USSA and her subsidiary, the United Socialist Kingdom, have formed a new state
in territory formerly held by the reactionary imperialist regime of Syria, which will henceforth be known as the Islamic Socialist Republic of Kidnapistan.
Once the Jihadi Salafists were categorized as a minority group in Syria, they immediately became eligible for special protection, similar to what the Party and the State extend to minority groups at home. It was decided, therefore, that in the interest of the unity of the word proletariat, the workers and peasants of the Sunni Islamic Fundamentalist minority are entitled to a redistributive state of their own.
In a shocking display of heterosexuality and patent homophobia, President Obama kissed Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt of Denmark, but not Prime Minister David Cameron of Great Britain, a male.
"I was hoping for something a bit more intimate, really," said a chagrined Cameron, "but all I got was this rather anemic handshake." When a reporter for BBC asked if being included in the now world famous 'selfie' softened his feelings of rejection, Cameron responded, "It wasn't really the same thing. Perhaps he was trying to meet me halfway, but it seemed more like a half-hearted apology. I put the best face on it I could muster, but cried myself to sleep that night."
An international incident was touched off yesterday in Johannesburg, South Africa, when a goodwill appearance by President Obama was interrupted by an impromptu funeral.
Mr. Obama was generously posing for souvenir pictures of himself with fawning admirers at the FNB Stadium, when security people rolled in Nelson Mandela's casket and demanded to have a memorial service. When questioned as to why they were disrupting Mr. Obama's appearance, the security men offered no explanation aside from "we reserved the stadium last week for this."
According to the media
, the scramble for control of the Mandela brand after the man's death will involve the ruling African National Congress (ANC), the Nelson Mandela Foundation, and his large family, some of whom already use the Mandela name and image to market everything from clothing to political posters to bottles of wine to kitchen aprons to reality TV.
We also decided to get into the fray and make some quick buck with affordable Mandela Brand Necklacing Kits before the dust settles.
Leave Your Political Opponents Speechless with Mandela Brand Necklacing Kits! Includes genuine Mandela Tire & Gas Can and five free one-gallon gasoline coupons. Win a Political Argument Every Time!
On December 4th this year, the People's Cube was blocked by most browsers and placed in Google Gulag, leaving the masses of wired workers and peasants without their beloved Party Organ. This was the second blow that the toiling communities of America and the world suffered in rapid succession - the first blow being, of course, the failed launch of the ObamaCare website.
Conceived, developed, and dropped on us from the bowels of Simon & Schuster Books For Young Readers, this beautifully illustrated picture book (hardcover, paperback, and audio) is now available at most public libraries and bookstores, as well as on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, KidzWorld, Scholastic, and even ChristianBook.com.
In case you think that the hyperbolic flummery bestowed upon Barack Obama has no precedent in the American tradition and culture, this isn't the first such collaborative project between Nikki Grimes and Bryan Collier. Thus, when George W. Bush was elected president in 2000, they published a similar book titled George W. Bush: Son of Promise, Child of Hope, which was just as enthusiastically promoted by the Teachers Union members in America's classrooms.
On the first day of ObamaCare, Dear Leader gave to me
A website that crashed constantly!
On the second day of ObamaCare, Dear Leader gave to me
Two weeks of typing and
A website that crashed constantly!
During Thanksgiving, American toiling masses traditionally give thanks to the government for what it has distributed to them. All conscientious members of community are required to experience (a) deep gratitude to the Party and its leaders; (b) unworthiness in the face of the glorious state; (c) guilt for consuming according to their needs and not giving back enough according to their abilities. The non-compliant will have their belongings redistributed to the more worthy members of the community.NOTE: This Thanksgiving prayer has been updated for the 2013-2014 tax year
Let me, Dear God, shift the paradigm on this Thanksgiving and blissfully give thanks for the gift of government, and thank the government for the gift of taxes. Bless my taxes, O God! Give me peace of mind as I rejoice in filling out forms and returning money to its rightful owner, the government. Keep me joyous, I pray, as I write out those checks. Yea, Lord, we know that there is little reason to be joyous with the failure of the healthcare collectivization rollout, but the thought of a new tax year still brings to us a swelling tear of joy. And whisper to me, Lord, all the good reasons that I send my money to my government every year. Gently show me that the Internet, through which I send this prayer to others, was created by committees of civil servants. Help me to recall that my freedom to pray as I wish was purchased with tax dollars...
Further mandatory reading:
On December 23, 2013, the Federal Reserve will celebrate its 100th birthday. No other government entity with a working website has as great an effect on the everyday lives of the masses as does our central bank, but yet it is one of the agencies least understood by the average shoveller. Indeed, many of the inhabitants of "flyover country" think Federal Reserve is a brand of whiskey.
As the centennial of this glorious people's institution approaches, let us take this opportunity to peer a little deeper into its vaults.
Congress created the Federal Reserve system in December 1913, a date coming coincidentally between the sinking of the Titanic in April 1912 and the start of World War I in July 1914...
America is facing a crisis in housing. Millions of Americans live in substandard homes. Millions do not live in houses at all but live in cheap apartments and crummy condos. Millions more through no fault of their own have preexisting conditions and are routinely turned down and denied housing in our present broken system. This has become a terrible social cost that we all end up paying. We are spending, as a whole, over twenty percent of our GDP on housing nationwide. This is a horrible burden on the economy and is adding to the deficit. This is simply unacceptable. We need better than this. We can do better than this.
Living in a home is a right and the millions without homes must have homes...
The monstrous consequences resulting from the GOP-orchestrated sabotage of the Affordable Care Act continue to mount up. First, there was the mysterious cancellation of millions of health insurance policies, followed by mass hallucinations which led many citizens to believe that if they liked their insurance policies, they could keep them.
The latest problem has even savvy veteran party conspiracy theorists scratching their heads: the spate of unexpected ObamaCare website computer glitches has apparently caused VP Joe Biden to disappear.
As one of the most impassioned and eloquent spokesmen for the glorious ACA, the world expected to see Mr. Biden on the front lines...
According to our sources in the White Fortress, Comrade Party Chairman Barack Barackovich Obama was unaware of the problems with the Affordable Healthcare Act due to his imprisonment in an invisible bubble placed around him by Congressional Republicans. The said bubble has prevented him from knowing about issues with the implementation of Obamacare and impeded his ability lead the State.
Sources say that the bubble appears to be of the same variety which often plagues mimes. Party scientists have been summoned to discuss safe means in which to extract Comrade Obama from his mime bubble, so that he can lead the State once again, as he did during the last election.
In an effort to win back the hearts of the American people, the White House announced today its brand-new ObamaCar program.
"Too many Americans are driving substandard cars," said Jay Carney during today's press briefing. "In fact, there are a lot of Americans who don't even have cars. That is why the President, by executive order, has initiated the ObamaCar Program."
The new program will see that all Americans, regardless of age, place of residence, or occupation will be required to purchase a vehicle suitable to meet the standards mandated by ObamaCar...
PEEPUL, PEEPUL, PEEPUL!
I'm Crazy Ivan Betinov from THE STALIN STOREHOUSE, and I'm back with another deal JUST FOR YOU!
That's right, friends and neighbors, THE STALIN STOREHOUSE, the same good folks that brought you GENUINE OBAMA BRAND SNAKE OIL
back in 2009 at the low, low cost of only $787,000,000,000, are back with the next NEW DEAL to make it all better!
The Day One dizzying success of Obamacare
has inspired several industries in the private sector to similar heights of achievement. "The private sector is always languishing behind the government," said Jay Carney in a White House press release earlier today, "especially in terms of technology and efficiency. It is hoped that by our showing the world that success is achievable, others would be inspired to do as well."
Indeed, with the government to lead the way, private sector businesses, and even other governments, are beginning to think they could succeed, too. Consider some of the Obamacare inspired success stories of today:
Last week, Ford rolled out its Pinto II. Always on the cutting edge of green energy, the Pinto II boasts the new Internal Eco Drive, or IED powered engine. Selling like hotcakes, 8,327 Pinto IIs rode off the lot in the last seven days, and dozens of them carried their satisfied owners home without exploding. "We believe 48 of our new cars may have made it home safely, and there are reports of two or three more in another country that did the same. We're just so grateful that our president showed us what's possible," said a Ford spokesman.
Think the Shutdown had no effect on your pathetic, pitiful life? Think again! Oh, never mind. Now that the Government is open again, you no longer have to think—which is not to say you had to think when it was closed, because you couldn't. You can't.
Here are some truths about the Shutdown that you never thought of because the Government wasn't open to think of them for you:That sausage patty on your breakfast plate was safe as ever because meat inspectors — like FBI agents — are considered "essential" and remained at work. But federal workers who inspect just about everything else on your plate — from fresh berries to scrambled eggs — were furloughed.
Unless all you had for breakfast last week was a sausage patty, you were poisoned by the Republicans, who want shut down the government because they want everyone to die so the rich can keep more of the money they stole from the poor!
With the current controversy surrounding the name of the Washington Redskins, the state of Oklahoma announced today that it will be proactively changing its name to Abovetexas.
"Many people don't realize that "Oklahoma" is Choctaw for "Land of the Red People," stated official Native American representative Juan Pendejo, a white Hispanic person of Native American heritage and a cousin of U.S. Senator Elizabeth Warren.
The state of Texas did not return calls, but rumor has it that their initial response was that "Nothing is above Texas."
As a result of the ongoing government shutdown, not only is NASA's astronomy picture of the day not available, but stargazing has been banned as unlawful "recreating."
With the galactic shutdown comes the need to lay off non-essential personal, so the National Park Service has been tasked to make sure no illegal astronomical activity takes place, even among those with privately owned telescopes or similar optical devices.
For now, NPS personnel are advised to set their phasers on stun for non-compliant veterans, restaurant owners, elderly tourists, and other threats to national security...
Only tales of terror, woe, desperation and despair will be accepted. Your story must include at least one sentence blaming Republicans. Grammar, spelling, punctuation, facts and coherence are not important.
We also accept photo selfies of you holding up a sign telling Republicans in your own unique way that you want your government back.
Undocumented/Aspiring Americans, Non-Aspiring Non-Americans, and children of all ages are encouraged to submit!
The National Park Service closed the Grand Canyon, along with services and recreation programs, after obstructionist Republicans forced congress to miss its deadline to prevent the first partial government shutdown in 17 years.
Due to the now current lack of manning to prevent accidental falls at the park and no plans to add railings or increase the already numerous warnings in signs and brochures that caution against peering over the edge of the mile-deep chasm, it was decided by the Obama administration to just fill in the canyon with fog as a fall protection safety measure to discourage visitors.
It is our pleasure to announce that the four-postage-stamp 2013 Obamacare Collector Set is now available to the masses.
You will appreciate the intricate detail and marvel at the complexity of the design. Each stamp just beckons the owner to slap a cancellation mark all over them as soon as possible, to give them that authentic used stamp feel.
A fine addition to any collection, these stamps will also make great gifts. As we all know, Red October is just around the corner!
Liberating the masses from capitalist oppression has just become easier with an addition of a new revolutionary group of people who sound like they're workers, except they're not. Meet the twerkers!
The working class can no longer be trusted to carry out the revolution, as it has grown too comfortable enjoying the fruits of capitalism. Instead, a new coalition of the disgruntled was created - based on sexual and color preference, immigration visa status, government benefits, union wages, and the degree of peacefulness of their religion. Unfortunately for the revolution, these groups have different interests and always end up pulling the blanket of collective struggle towards themselves.
Twerkers are different. They bring everyone's interest down to the lowest common denominator, which is shared by all regardless of language, religion or color, as they shake down the chains of bourgeois conventions with the gyrating thrust of lower fleshy extremities.
This symbol combines Barashiva's roles as creator, preserver, and destroyer of life as we know it. The flaming wheel represents the never-ending circle of progress dotted with violence and destruction. Multiple hands serve to point in various directions, one of which is always correct after the fact.
Barashiva holds in his upper right hand the megaphone of community organizer. His upper left hand holds the fire of the revolution that will destroy capitalism. With his front left hand, he collects taxes and political contributions. His lower right hand signifies the rejection of America's founding principles. His raised left foot imitates Barashiva's favorite golf move. The dwarflike figure being trampled underfoot represents a small business owner who bittely clings to the old ways.
His devotees believe that through the worship of Barashiva, they can achieve collective salvation.
It is with great sadness that I break the news: the man of great character, known to the People's Cube readers as Father Prog Theocritus, has died last month at the age of 58 of health complications in his home town of Pecos, Texas.
As I know most of you will agree, The People's Cube would not have been the same without Theocritus.
He has made more posts on the Cube than any other member - a total of 10,136
- having enriched the People's folklore with unforgettable tales and concepts: JiffyLobo, Made Prog, Compassionate Impaling, Our Many Titted Empress (MTE), and wild parties at Rancho del Rio Grande were only some of his original coinages.
In a special telegram delivered by USSA Navy warships in the Eastern Mediterranean, Comrade Party Chairman Barack Barackovich Obama has issued an ultimatum to President Bashar al-Assad: resign so that the Syrian people can elect Mohammed Morsi as President of the Syrian Arab Republic.
Comrade Obama realized that Mohammed Morsi was the 'right president for the wrong country' after the recent protests in Egypt caused the White Fortress to reconsider the situation. In consultation with Saudi Arabia, Comrade Obama decided that President Morsi needs a 'fresh start' to begin anew his political career.
An inside source reveals the secret behind ObamaCare's big success, described in the upcoming documentary This is Obama Tap
.FROM THE TRANSCRIPT:Mike Moore:
"Wow! Look at this. All this machinery. So this is where the magic happens. This is where ObamaCare gets made."Kathleen Sebelius:
"Yes. Let me show you this. You see our dials? These are ObamaCare dials. We had them made just for ObamaCare. Nobody else has dials like this. The private market doesn't have dials like this. See that?"
The rodeo clown controversy at the Missouri state fair means only one thing - we are all clowns now! And what better way to clown around than in our new Clown-in-Chief Shirt or wearing our Clown-in-Chief button?
Have you ever looked at a large Obama billboard and wondered what might be going on behind that iconic blue logo? This is what you might see if it had more transparency.
A look behind the scenes of the final season: a picture worth a thousand episodes...
The Transportation Security Enforcement Administration has announced that terrorists may be using breast implants to hide bombs set to detonate on USSA and foreign aircraft. Therefore, TSEA agents have been ordered to handle and visually inspect all breasts larger than an 'A' cup.
Experts believe that the explosives necessary to bring down a standard trans-oceanic aircraft would require at least a 'B' cup size, and so TSEA agents have been given special instructions to perform mandatory inspections to prevent the possibility of such explosives making their way on to Peoples' Aircrafts.
Because of the overall increase bust sizes of the workers and peasants of the USSA due to the benefits of Socialism on the American food supply, citizens can expect longer waits at some airports, while both male and female TSEA agents have volunteered to conduct the extra required screenings.
As a caring, Progressive woman who gets all her news from NBC and Comedy Central, I'm sick and tired of Sarah Palin. I hate Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin is nothing but a stupid media whore who'll do any stupid thing and say any stupid thing in a totally pathetic attempt to "stay relevant."
Well, now Sarah Palin, in a pitiful bid to dupe idiots as stupid as she is into thinking she has the gravitas to be a leader of something other than a colony of like-minded lackwits, thought she could run for President of the United States…in Australia!
The Department of Social Justice is now offering advisories to Young Socialist athletes, many of them from minority and victim-class families, on how to properly use social media while conducting both consenting and non-consenting rapes.
The U.S. Attorney for West Virginia Oblast, Comrade William J. Ihlenfeld, has advised these aspiring members of the Political-Entertainment Complex that prudence should be exercised when filming and documenting their activities related to their own personal exploration of their sexual identities, as such information may fall into the hands of counter-revolutionary elements hidden within our State. The Party advises that such information should not be publicized in the best interests of State security as well as social justice.
Instead, student athletes would do well to conduct their experimentation in more private venues without the stark glare of criticism emanating from those with no compassion for the downtrodden workers and peasants of the USSA, who depend upon the next generation of athletes to help lift their spirits and provide them with reliable political formation.
Americans can go to bed with a story to warm the cockles of their hearts tonight. First Dog Bo has been successfully transported to join the First Family on their well-deserved vacation on Martha's Vineyard.
Bo was transported from Washington to the island on board a specially modified Marine Corps MV-22 Osprey. For security reasons similar to those of Vice President Joe Biden, President Obama and First Dog Bo cannot travel on the same aircraft, thus making a separate flight necessary.
While some might consider using a $69.3 million aircraft to transport a dog a bit extravagant, it must be pointed out that this was paid for with taxpayer money, not from the First Family's accounts. Neither President nor Mrs. Obama are spendthrifts and are very careful with the family's budget.
The Department of Social Justice is contemplating several charges against the racist George Zimmerman for his cold-blooded murder of the post-infant and minority representative Trayvon Martin. Evidence compiled by the Federal Bureau of Investigation of Citizens has found Zimmerman to be guilty of at least several major civil rights-related crimes.
Having found no sign of racism in Zimmerman's background, prosecutors plan to file charges of Involuntary Racism in the Commission of a Hate Crime, punishable by up to 20 years of labor in a correctional facility. Party officials believe this is the most appropriate charge based on the FBIC's report.
However, some legal experts are also calling for additional charges, including Gross Negligence in the Commission of a Race Crime, as it is commonly believed that Zimmerman neglected to be properly racist when committing his crime...
Today's news: National birthrate hits an all-time low due to weak economic recovery.
This means, comrades, that American workers and peasants are holding off on their production of new labor force members until the full implementation of Socialism in America, since the uncertainties of the present quasi-capitalistic market are inappropriate for the development of Young Socialists. In order to improve the USSA’s breeding program, it is imperative that the People's Congress immediately pass the Immigration Reform Bill so that more fertile populations can help America replace its decreasing labor pool necessary to sustain the State's wealth redistribution plans...
Due to the glorious leadership of our Dear Leader, Barack Barackovich Obama, a full 53% of adult citizens have received a lessened workload as a result of the State’s collectivization program.
Yes, comrades, this means that only 47% of citizens are now required to work a full-time job. It is a great victory for redistributive justice, when a majority of citizens can work part-time and enjoy the fruits of Socialist Labor.
We must remember that Socialist Redistribution programs do not require complete unemployment, but rather only an income below State standards. Citizens working part-time have their income supplemented to the same standards as full-time workers and peasants through redistributive programs that provide food, housing, and medical care.
President Obama, already known to his staff as a "sophisticated" and "voracious" consumer of intelligence reports, has just found a way to enhance his intelligence briefing experience even further, by choosing Avril Danica Haines, whose resume includes reading erotic fiction out loud to paying customers, as a new deputy CIA director. Twenty years ago, after dropping out of a graduate program in physics, Haines co-owned a Baltimore book store, which featured regular "Erotica Nights" with readings of erotic prose over dinner (couples $30, singles $17)...
FROM THE PEOPLE'S ARCHIVES:
On the Fourth of July Americans will be cynically celebrating the greatest setback world progress has ever endured in all of human history. The rest of humankind will, of course, be grieving over the dark day when the United States of America was born. To understand the full scope of this tragedy we must look back at the pre-7/04 world and see what it was like to live on planet Earth before 1776.
Prior to July 4, 1776, not a single person in the world starved, got sick, worked hard for a living, or experienced any pain and anxiety. No one had ever been oppressed or unfairly exploited because the oppressive and unfair American system had not yet been created.
My fellow comrades: It's very important that our next President be a woman - a Democrat, to be precise. For years now we've taken for granted that that person should be Hillary. But I've long been concerned about her age - she'll be 69 come 2016, which, I believe, would make her only the second oldest person to become President since… since… well, crud.
Let's face it - she's old, tired, and doughy looking, always wearing those colored pantsuits that show off all her rolls and cracks and creases and VPL, and her hair looks a lot like mine...
Thousands of angry feminists poured into the streets last week in a violent protest, after Huffington Post broke the story about a scandalous Swiffer advertisement that exploited the image of "the famed feminist icon Rosie the Riveter" to promote a new line of the company's mopping products - a notion widely perceived as blasphemous and sexist hate speech.
The rioting started after someone Tweeted a snapshot of a Sunday morning paper insert, which depicted a Rosie lookalike cleaning the house. The shocking story...
Inspired by the "Toy Gun" buyback program at Strobridge Elementary School, Vice President Joe Biden is scheduled to announce today White House backing of a new "Imaginary Gun" buyback program.
"We have been plagued by a recent rash of imaginary gun incidents in our nation's schools," said Biden spokesman Aldous Orwell. "Children live in terror because of rampant imagination."
In a stunning development, the National Security Agency (NSA) reports that PRISM, the secret spy program that monitors all internet activity in the US and the world and stores all the data in acres and acres of massive super-cooled buildings somewhere in the desert, has uncovered an active ongoing plot by the NSA to use the PRISM program to monitor, spy on, and collect all the internet activity in the US, in violation of the NSA's charter that limits it to foreign spy activities.
The NSA is concerned that the newly discovered NSA PRISM program is to be used to launch an attack against the NSA.
"This PRISM program shows just how important it is for our national defense to have the PRISM program," explained the NSA director.
President Obama, in a press release this morning, revealed that he was "surprised" to discover that he has apparently been married for quite some time.
"The first I heard of it was when I saw a CNN report on my wife... uh... "Michelle," apparently... delivering an address to the National Coalition of Lobster Producers," said the President. "This was as much a surprise to me as discovering that there were rogue agents in the IRS, of which I also learned from watching CNN."
Redesigned by popular demand, this new deck of Obama poster parody playing cards contains new characters, revised captions, improved images, and - keeping pace with the government expansion - now contains 56 cards instead of the usual 52. The back design has also changed: "To each according to his hyphen" has been replaced with a more proper name for this project: "American Agitprop in the Age of Obama: Heroes and Villains."
How is it possible to hold so many mutually exclusive beliefs? To preach tolerance and be so intolerant? To grieve for terror victims and justify terrorism? To stand up for workers and destroy their jobs? To denounce corruption and vote for the corrupt? To speak of liberties and promote government dictate? To bolster feminism and deride successful women? To champion minorities as a group and hold them down as individuals? To care about the children and condemn them to intellectual mutilation? To support the troops and side with their murderers? To demand love and be full of hate?
President Barack Obama's counterterrorism speech was derailed several times yesterday when a mother-turned-activist named Medea shouted bitter words about his leadership.
Some drama critics suspect the entire theatrics might have been scripted at the White House and, possibly, even lip-synched. However, our research has shown that the highly publicized oration had been lifted off in its entirety from Medea's address to Jason, written by Euripides in 431 B.C. (Medea, Episode II, Stanzas 465-515)
He makes a list and checks it twice. He gives to the naughty what he takes from the nice. He drives from house to house in an armored truck. He is St. Dick, Santa's twin brother.
Awestruck taxpayers greet him with chronologically ordered receipts lest they lose their first dependent. St. Dick wishes them many returns and disappears with their checks until the next jolly tax season.
And here's another heartwarming story of St. Dick and his little helpers, the progs, keeping the spirit of Taxmas™ alive.
I would like you to consider the difference between a mother and the government. They say a mother's love is enduring. So is the funding for a government program.
They say a mother's love will never die. Well, neither will a government program, especially once it's been enshrined as a civil right, a national treasure, and yes, even a so-called third rail.
They say a mother's love is forever. So are government entitlements.
At this point you must be asking, "So what's the difference between Mother and the Government?"...
[PROG WAY OFF]
Homeschoolers will not escape the Common Core - at least those who take GED tests.
Once Common Core is nationally implemented and federally enforced, public education will become just another word for a forcible indoctrination of our children to induce them to give up their parents’ political, social, or religious beliefs and attitudes and to accept contrasting regimented ideas. This is the dictionary definition of brainwashing.
The infamous enemy of the people, Oleg Atbashian, has another subversive story in the American Thinker:
According to voter registration records, Ariel Castro, the Cleveland kidnapper, is a registered Democrat. Why is this important? Whenever a crime or a scandal captures national attention, the pattern in the mainstream media is to either identify the culprit as a Republican or hold silence - in which case we can rest assured that the culprit is a Democrat.
This is our spoof of a new anti-gun sign
by Shepard Fairey, who is also known as the artist behind the famous Obama "Hope" poster.
That the anti-NRA poster looks Orwellian is not a coincidence. Fairey probably believes he has a spiritual channel directly to George Orwell. But Orwell advocated gun ownership and even left us this powerful quote
: "That rifle on the wall of the labourer’s cottage or working class flat is the symbol of democracy. It is our job to see that it stays there."
Post-May-Day depression is a growing malady that affects progressives each year, usually beginning late in the afternoon on May 1 and continuing until the morning of the next May Day.
For some, it is simply a result of too much sign-making and short-range marching with very few people giving a damn; for many others the causes range from substance abuse to the frustration over their inability to force the wonderful progressive world order on the unenlightened by government mandate. While most left-wing agitators in the U.S. and other free nations experience mild symptoms, some others are subjected to an almost paralyzing agony.
These helpful tips explain how dejected collectivists around the world can combat May Day depression by just taking a few simple precautions.
A day of action to save the earth from farmers, ranchers, mining, timber, oil, chemical companies, and anyone else who seeks to utilize the planet's resources to enhance, enrich, and extend the lives of people worldwide.
Characterized by the media's massive awareness drive to (a) remind the world that U.S. capitalists are raping the earth, stealing its riches, and causing environmental problems; (b) advocate a greater government control of land, resources, and industries; and (c) increase the ever growing white male guilt levels.
A great way to hijack spring cleaning and politicize the rebirth of nature.
Our previous celebrations of Earth Day / Lenin's Birthday:
Commissars at the White Fortress have announced that a Saudi Arabian traveling pressure-cooker salesman, who happened to be watching the Boston Marathon and coincidentally was hospitalized because of unexplained chemical burns, is being quickly deported in the interests of world harmony and international friendship
The Department of Crime Redistribution issued a memorandum saying that Middle Easterners had fulfilled their international violence quota through their hard work in Afghanistan, Syria, and Mali, and so no further international terrorism could be attributed to them this fiscal year.
As many Soviet kids did in the 1970s and 1980s, I occasionally tuned my shortwave radio to Voice of America or the BBC Russian Service, hoping to hear their alternative take on world events and, if I was lucky, get the latest rock-music updates. One of the functions of the Iron Curtain was to keep us, the "builders of communism," blissfully unaware of the outside world. All our news had to be processed by the state-run media filter and approved by the formidable censorship apparatus.
As experts ponder the implications of America's stepping-back from world political leadership, finance professionals are openly discussing what the world will be like without the US dollar as the primary unit of international and domestic trade. In the meantime, American businesses are considering the benefits of a new economy based on food stamps
"While the dollar's future is glum, the food stamp is on its ascendency," said a financial analyst at the non-partisan Cloward-Piven Strategy Institute in Washington, DC...
Since mid-twentieth century, [redacted] citizens have been growing more concerned about the number of [redacted] working or residing in their midst. All such [redactions] are henceforth considered 100% unexceptionable, free of any [redacted] harassment, frisking or interrogation.
Members of this sub-majoritarian community, now called [redacted] in recognition of current media sensibilities and stylebooks, have barricaded themselves in [redacted] loci...
We created a special category in our Zazzle store just for this design. Available on shirts, posters, mugs, bags, and postcards.
This original design signed by the artist, Oleg Atbashian, has been selected as a campaign logo and is being used for fundraising for the Margaret Thatcher statue in her birthplace, Grantham, England.
MORE ABOUT THIS STORY >>
"Two, four, six, eight - now it's time to smash the state!" chanted the angry mob. One protester climbed up a flagpole in front of the Justice Department. To the cheers and delight of the crowd, he cut down Old Glory and in its place raised a Viet Cong flag. Police fired tear gas. The mob chanted, "Tear the f***g state down!"
This was the so-called "March Against Death" in Washington, DC, on November 13, 1969. The chant was the rallying cry for the Weathermen, the violent terrorist group that instigated the riot...
First, your subject line. Oddly enough, "Oh no, not again" is exactly what I always say every time I see one of your "Have Stupidity, Two Presidential Election Losses, Please Help" pleas in my inbox. Even odder still, it's about the dumbest subject line you could use for an e-mail that despite the not-so-juicy tidbit of gossip and link to yet another useless petition, will ultimately send me to a page asking me to click on whatever amount of money you think I might deign to send you today.
Second, my name is not Laura.
With the launching of the BRAIN Initiative
to map the human brain, we at The People's Cube can't help but wonder if his results would match our previous findings: The Democrat brain is radically different from the Republican brain.
An atheist group that tried to block the display of a Ground Zero Memorial Cross
in a collection of 9/11 artifacts, is determined to fight a U.S. District judge's decision that the cross-shaped steel beam found in the rubble at the site of the World Trade Center was "non-religious" and thus didn't infringe on their right to believe in Nothing.
While many non-aligned atheists have expressed their non-concern with display of the Cross, American Atheists, Inc. dismisses these people as "non-practicing Atheists" or "secularized secularists" who don't take their non-religious beliefs seriously.
It is essential that all children obey their teachers, as servants of the State, without question.
Therefore, children exhibiting the symptoms of mental illness, such as the need to move around during hour-long political lectures or the desire to talk while a commissar-instructor is presenting them with important political teachings, must be immediately medicated into a docile state of passivity. This way, all impediments to proper ideological formation can be abolished through corrective political pharmacology.
The more children are successfully diagnosed as disabled, the more of them can join their parents in the great joys of equality and collectivization through State disability benefits.
The People Cube is eight years old!
Within this period we have posted twenty million articles that were viewed by sixty four billion people in more than five hundred thousand countries.
Our stories were quoted on ninety million websites and translated into seven thousand languages.
Our mail room workers responded to sixty eight million fan emails, and the site membership has exceeded ninety nine hundred million registered users.
Rumors that this unparalleled success has been achieved through forced labor, torture, and imprisonment of staff writers, graphic artists, and network engineers are nothing but bourgeois propaganda perpetrated by the world-wide imperialist cabal.
See previous glorious celebrations >>
APRIL FOOLS DAY IN PEOPLE'S CUBE HISTORY
If David Kempf wins the mayoral race on April 2, a bronze statue of Free Cheese based on the People's Cube design is going to be built in Oklahoma's third largest city, Norman. There's no reason why he shouldn't, since he just received our official endorsement, which he alsoannounced
on his website.
Our relationship started after we noticed incoming web traffic from David's campaign website. We traced the link to a section dedicated to Free Cheese
. In a humorous way, the candidate for Mayor of Norman described his attitude towards free government cheese, which he defined...
Our article in Front Page Mag
Notions like "sacrifice" and "ecstatic righteousness of youth" may sound admirable, but Grathwohl, who lived underground with the real characters, witnessed "a world of hatred, drugs, and free sex." He saw, up close, a gang of thugs who admired the Manson killers
, plotted bombings, murders, and political assassinations, and aimed to overthrow the constitutionally elected US government. There is nothing sacrificial about terrorists who shoot up a police station and boast, "Our lawyers will make fools of the pigs."
The Weather Underground was not anti-war; it was pro-war. It waged war on the United States, in close consultation with foreign enemies of the U.S. in such places as Hanoi and Havana.
Dictators are a very important part of everyone's lives. They unconditionally share with us other people's wealth even when we don't ask for it - and all they want in return is our approval and total compliance. Whether we are at home, at work, or relaxing with friends, our beloved dictator is always kindly watching our every step, protecting us from our own bad choices and unhealthy urges.
But there inevitably comes a time to say "good-bye." The loss of a tyrant leaves a tremendous hole in our lives and the grief can be overwhelming.
Thankfully, today's technology gives us several comforting alternatives, ranging from vacuum sealing to freeze-dry preservation.
Some conservatives have claimed that the recent $1.5M federal study of why lesbians are fat and the $2.7M federal study of why lesbians have higher 'risk for hazardous drinking' are wasteful and downright silly.
However, as Figures A and B to the left show, this information is vital to our national security and foreign policy.
Instead of cutting funds, we should expand this research to more areas, spending a minimum of $2M on each study as per the list below...
In an historic move to heal wounds between the U.S. and the Zionist Apartheid State, President Barack Obama has started the first international diplomatic tour of his second term with a stop in Israel.
In an equally historic move, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu reached out to Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas with a request to make peace with Hamas so that they could resume joint rocket attacks against Israel for one day.
Ever since I signed up at the BarackObama.com
website to request a free bumper sticker, I have been receiving regular friendly emails from various people I never met, who share with me their concerns and life stories. All these different people have one thing in common: they write to me in the same caring, soothing voice, using the same simple words and sentences.
Among the many parodies of Obama's "Hope" poster
we made during the 2008 elections was Margaret Thatcher's image captioned as "Iron." It has been since a popular selling item at our online store
But last month we were also contacted by the treasurer at the Grantham Museum
in England, who asked for permission to use this image in their campaign for a Margaret Thatcher statue
in Grantham, Lincolnshire, where the future Prime Minister was born and raised.
Grantham already has a statue of its native son, Sir Isaac Newton; it is only fair that it also has a statue of its native daughter, whose contribution to politics might be as important as Newton's contribution to physics.
According to unnamed reliable sources, the White House is set to announce the formation of the Federal Bureau of "Quotations" to oversee media citations of all official White House announcements and denials of previous announcements.
In future, all media citations must fit within strictly defined classifications: unnamed, well-placed, unnamed well-placed, un-quoted, official, unofficial, official unnamed, official un-quoted, official well-placed, reliable, unnamed reliable, well-placed reliable, official unnamed well-placed, and unofficial un-quoted unnamed well-placed reliable...
Inspired by the dramatic improvements in New Yorkers' health and well-being after he banned smoking and junk food, as well as large sodas, salt, trans fats, Styrofoam food containers, and loud earbuds, Mayor Michael Bloomberg has announced that the NYPD is organizing a Food Felonies Unit (FFU) to further combat the proliferation of food crimes.
Nicknamed "Double-F-U," the newly-formed unit is expected to be involved largely with restaurant menu supervision in its crime-prevention function...
Are you typically lost when co-workers discuss current events around the water cooler? Do you have trouble figuring out the national debt or who that Ben Ghazi dude is, but you know exactly what's on Britney Spears' grocery list?
If you think you only deserve fun answers to all life's questions… you're right! This primer will help you look smart and morally superior in any political discussion. Just memorize these big words, explained in easy terms you already know from TMZ
and The Daily Show
Credentialed specialists in political cosmology and government-approved astrophysics are grappling with a mind-bending possibility: what if there is some force other than government power that is responsible for the world in which we live?
This unexpected schism is caused by recent experiments at the Large Handout Deficit Collider, in which generated sequester particles did not cause the universe to implode as predicted.
The original plan called for shooting highly charged irresistable Keynsian public stimulus forces at immovable wealthy private capital objects, in the hope of creating enough monetary fusion products...
Recognizing Naomi Wolf's past achievements in bashing Western civilization, the Qatari-owned news network Al Jazeera is now in negotiations
with the renown author of The End of America
to offer her a job as an official on-air jihadess.
Al Jazeera fanatics are now invited to send tips on their next terrorist attack directly to Ms. Wolf at her contact email
, so she can set up her satellite truck and report live from the scene, beating the infidel networks.
While some opponents have contended that Sen. John Kerry, the newly-confirmed US Secretary of State, misspoke when he identified democratic reforms in Kyrzakhstan
, people throughout the tiny, Central Asian republic are disappointed that Americans are unaware of their existence.
Though largely cut off from the world with no TV or radio services, Kyrzakhstanis do receive some outside news through visitors they kidnap along their borders and hold for ransom, which is the second largest source of income...
A controversial government study today revealed an astounding conclusion: free lunches are expensive and lack nutrition. All copies of the study have since disappeared and the members of the blue-ribbon panel which produced it have not been seen since it was released.
President Obama condemned the results, alleging that the panelists were "receiving bread under the table from the restaurant industry."
"It's nonsense," said the president. "Michelle and I get free lunches all the time and they don't cost us a thing...
Forced by the sequestration to trim $85 billion from the country’s $3.6 trillion budget, President Barack Obama announced today that he would not deploy the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Harry Truman to the Persian Gulf as part of his plan to disband
the entire United States military.
"I warned Congress that these cuts did not have to happen," Obama said at a White House press conference. "The Republicans could have turned them off at any time by just compromising and raising the taxes I requested. So now they have forced me to lay off the only non-essential government employees I could find, which just happens to be all the members of the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, and Coast Guard. As of midnight Friday, the United States is indefensible."
Granted, a mixture of mud and sugar could make you partially invisible to the next drone - but wouldn't the wiser tactic be to become completely invisible to the entire U.S. government and mass media altogether? All it takes is learning a few useful facts about the American political establishment.
Try these 23 alternative tips: if used as directed, people in Washington will either pretend you don't exist or they will alter your public image until you become unrecognizable - even to yourself.
Oscars 2013: First Lady announces the long-awaited merger of Hollywood and the State.
Now that the U.S. government has officially finished its transformation from a Culture of Character to a Cult of Personality, next year Barack Obama is going to win Best Director. And while George Clooney, Ben Affleck, and Tony Kushner will be busy rewriting the U.S. Constitution, Harvey Weinstein will be the new President...
February 2013 marks the 100-year anniversary of the ratification of the Sixteenth Amendment, authorizing the collection of a national income tax and the creation of the Internal Revenue Service. As a duly self-appointed member of the Inner Circle of the Party, I hereby issue an executive order proclaiming 2013 as...
The Year Of Coercive Redistribution
In celebration of this momentous milestone, let's take a trip back to the thrilling and heady days of yesteryear and see just how far we have come in the science of Progressive Wealth Redistribution.
Ever since the Republican annihilation in the 2012 elections, GOP insiders have been trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel at the bottom of the abyss. According to media experts, there is no hope left for the "Stupid Party" outside of begging for scraps from the triumphant progressive table.
"We need a way to be relevant in the Great Age of Obama," stated washed-out evil genius Karl Rove. "No thanks to the Tea Party, who turned us into an elephant's rump faction with such fringe notions as fiscal sanity.
With the announcement of the indefinite suspension of nuclear refueling
of the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the White House has signaled a new shift in naval technology - away from costly and potentially hazardous fossil fuels, towards non-toxic and environmentally stable wind power.
Not letting Republican obstructionism of the budget process go to waste, President Obama's national defense team is putting together a plan to retrofit US warship with 'tried-and-true' sails, taking advantage of free, naturally occurring wind, rather than...
Dating a dictator can be a scary and dangerous endeavor. But it also offers an opportunity to meet the authoritarian oppressor of your dreams, provided that the proper precautions are taken. Whether you are a young starry-eyed Utopian or have been around the eastern bloc for a while, everyone can benefit from these tips and guidelines for safe dictator-dating procedures.
Do not jeopardize your livelihood for a night out having fun. By observing the following tips, you can still have a great time and live.
Vatican insiders today report what is an apparent "testing the water" move by the White House to suggest President Barak Obama as a possible replacement for retiring Pope Benedict XVI.
Father Guido Sarducci, unofficial Vatican spokesman, confirmed that a "highly placed person" in the administration had floated the idea of naming Obama the Vicar of Christ on Earth when Pope Benedict steps down at the end of the month.
White House Press Secretary Jay Carney was quick to state that any talk of the President leaving his current office to assume the duties of the supreme pontiff was irresponsible. "We are quite sure that the President would be able to fulfill the duties of both roles simultaneously," Carney reassured reporters.
He admitted that becoming pope would entail a step down for someone who is already Obama, but in his well-documented humility the President would be willing to do so to set the Church straight...
With over 8 million people mysteriously disappearing from the US workforce
during President Barack Obama's first term, experts are working on a number of theories to explain this riddle, the most commonly mentioned reason being alien abductions occurring throughout the US on an extraordinarily massive scale.
"Since we can't blame it on the economy, the only conceivable explanation is that someone is taking people out of the labor market by force," said Malcolm Lenivie...
The wildly popular comedy series "The Office" has just been given an injection of hilarity with Hillary Clinton's decision to play "World's Best Boss" in the tenth season of the multi-award-winning show. Producers believe that the previously organic succession of Dunder Mifflin's incompetent but lovable managers - from Michael Scott to Robert California to Andy Bernard - will be seamlessly completed by the former Secretary of State, who is expected to bring with her plenty of baggage and surprising international connections.
Rebranding the show as "Hillary Clinton Office," the coming new season already has a website, HillaryClintonOffice.com
, which provides enough eye-popping teasers to have fans salivating, but gives away few spoilers.
As negotiations for the US withdrawal from Afghanistan have once again come to a halt
, the Taliban Supreme Council has offered to level the playing field by sending a group of 400 battle-hardened Taliban peacekeepers to the U.S. city of Chicago, to help pacify one of the most violent regions in the Great Plains area of the North American continent.
With many years of combat experience in violent areas of their own country and having fought rebels, insurgents, villagers, urban militias, rival drug lords, as well as Soviet and American occupying forces on foot, horses, camels, donkeys, and trucks, they may be just what the Chicago city officials need to pacify their own population and bring the recently publicized murder rate
Ushering in a new era of openness in the notoriously secretive intelligence community, the Defense Intelligence Agency is now directing male and female employees alike
to stop suppressing their inner desires and sexual fantasies simply because they work for the government.
Historically known for their all-business, i.e., homophobic and misogynistic approach towards employee behavior and appearances, the new DIA leaders now encourage their closeted staffers to pile on the makeup and express their sexuality by wearing skirts, paint their nails, 'not be afraid of color,' and participating in 'Queer Eye for the Spy Guy' professional development training.
"The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender community is encouraged by this new sign of openness to our lifestyles among the shady individuals who collect and organize military intelligence for the Pentagon...
To shame the nonbelievers, the White House released a photo of President Obama shooting a gun - with a warning that "the photograph may not be manipulated in any way."
The People's Cube collective responded to the challenge accordingly.
This is, perhaps, the best and largest collection of Obama bitterly clinging to his gun and clay pigeons...
We all know the People's Cube as the politically correct re-educational tool
whose purpose is to prepare the masses for the glorious Progressive World of Next Tuesday.
However, Obama's re-election has already happened on Tuesday as planned, ushering in the arrival of the glorious Progressive World without any further interruptions. As America is being fundamentally transformed into a completely different entity according to Marxist blueprints, the People's Cube has also made a dialectical quantitative leap and transformed itself into a new, somewhat different object.
The Department of Homeland Security wants Americans to fight back against violent gunmen with the most effective means of self-defense without the risks associated with gun ownership: Kung fu.
The DHS has recently posted a training video on how to use such items as scissors
to defend against an armed assailant. But this only the start in what DHS officials believes will be a popular transformation of American culture, from gun-toting cowboys to high-kicking martial artists.
As previously transmitted
to the masses, the team of People's Cube operatives consisting of Comrade Red Square and Mrs. Red Square embedded themselves into the hotbed of the paleo-conservative movement - the "Future of Conservatism" Summit
organized by the National Review Institute in Washington, D.C. (Jan 25-27, 2013).Their mission was three-fold:
1. Deplete their conservative budget by eating free conservative food and drinking free conservative spirits.
2. Uncover the schemes that the conservative conspiratorial cabal is plotting for our future, by eavesdropping on sources who spoke under the impression they were among "their kind."
Hit with a drastic decrease in membership among traditional industry and government workers, the American Labor Unions have finally decided to return to their roots, re-examine their policies, and remember the original reason for their existence, which is to manipulate elections for political gain.
With this in mind, as well as to replenish their dwindling ranks, AFL-CIO is about to capitalize on its accumulated influence by organizing federal, state, and local politicians into a brand-new union of their own...
A three-part series by Oleg Atbashian published in the American Thinker this week:
In his quest to continue fighting against the War on Womyn, which he serendipitously discovered during the 2012 campaign, President Obama today proposed a major new expansion of Abortion Rights for Womyn.
The centerpiece of the new campaign is the legalization of so-called very, very, very late-term, aka "retroactive" abortions, which some deem controversial as they lead to a fetus being aborted long after it has left the womb, in most cases up to a century or more.
"This is of great value to society," said Dr. U. Jenics, abortion rights advocate at the University of Deth at Goolag. "Many incurable diseases, such as climate change denial syndrome or chronic gun ownership, do not manifest themselves until well after birth...
The US State Department announced on Thursday that 100,000 college students would be send to China by 2014 as security for US debt obligations to the People's Republic of China.
Under the '100,000 Strong Foundation,' announce by President Barack Obama during his 2009 visit to China and sponsored by the US State Department, US college students would be sent to study in China to assure Chinese officials that, despite uncertainties regarding the US budget and frequent political tussles on the debt ceiling, the debts to China would continue to be paid.
Comrade General Secretary Nguyen Phu Trọng
of the Socialist Republic of Vietnam issued a formal statement today regarding Comrade Charlie Rangel's demands for the reform of the American South. Speaking on behalf of the Communist Party of Vietnam, the General Secretary, saluted Comrade Charlie for sympathizing with Vietnam's struggle to pacify and reeducate its own South, culminating with the Vietnam War and victory of Socialism in a united Vietnamese State.
"Clearly, Comrade Charles understands the struggle that we Vietnamese had with our Southerners," said Comrade Trong in his remarks telegraphed to Comrade Secretary of State Hillary Hughovna Clinton.
High ranking officials have confirmed that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton lip-synched her testimony before the US Senate yesterday regarding the Benghazi Incident, following the hot new trend of 'Beyoncéing
,' or lip-synching to a recording when one is not prepared, according to anonymous sources inside the State Department.
Clinton arrived at the Senate hearing still recovering from festivities related to the President Barack Obama’s inauguration on Monday and Tuesday, and felt unprepared to speak live before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee...
The Universal Unionization Section of the Department of Organized Labor for the USSA has launched an investigation into news that a Drug Use Enforcement Agency officer obtained a non-unionized prostitute
for two Secret Service Police officers in Columbia, who were detailed to protect the Party Chairman, Comrade Barack Barackovich Obama during his April 2012 visit to the South American nation.
The Section launched its probe after a review of Columbian law, which does allow some prostitution with 'tolerance zones,' but offers neither Unionized collective-bargaining rights nor Universal Health Care to sex workers.
As a result, the DUEA officer and two Secret Police officers are suspected to have violated Party discipline, which forbids all contact with non-unionized workers...
Last week, the British Socialist Commonwealth's Committee for Redistributive Algorithms appealed to the Directorate for Minorities Ranking of the Office of the Commissar for Equality Enforcement under the Dept of Social Egalitarianism and Redistribution for clarification and guidance on the matter of the proper social ranking and victimhood status of Transsexual Males-to-Females in light of Feminist concerns that their victim status was being jeopardized by improper categorization.
In short, BS Party members from the Feminist Caucus are questioning whether Transsexual Males-to-Females meet the proper classification of Female in order to qualify for Victimhood status...
Golden state leaders expressed shock and dismay today when the State Treasury announced that income tax revenues for the last quarter had dropped to near zero in spite of a recent increase in the effective income tax rate to 100%.
"This is not possible" said a visibly shaken Governor Jerry Brown as he sunbathed under a full moon at the state capitol. "Before every one of the umpteen-odd times my administration has raised taxes, we've commissioned studies by prestigious universities on the potential effects. Each of those studies concluded people really don't care about tax rates
and that quality-of-life issues, like being able to sing Kumbaya on the beach while stoned, are more important to the public.
It was a cloudy, overcast mid-November morning just before Thanksgiving when Roseanne-Cher Moonbatt's daughter Freelunch suddenly began screaming at the top of her lungs and crying, "Mommy, mommy, it's gone!!! WAAAAH!" The 27-year old had been re-checking her student loan account online and was disappointed to find her huge balance due had not magically gone away as she was hoping.
But her distress turned to horror when she looked out the basement window and discovered her pet unicorn Hopealong-Changedy had disappeared without a trace. The animal was a gift from the 2008 Obama campaign where she had worked as an unpaid Twitterer and, along with her degree in Justin Beiber Studies, was one of her most prized posessions.
More than lavish vacations and golfing, Emperor Obama valued appearances, which consumed a bigger share of his government's budget than the army, the people, or the economy.
One day Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid informed Obama that they could dress him up in a way that would make him even more appealing to his fan base than he had ever been. At the same time, these new magic clothes would be invisible to the low-brow conservative knuckle-draggers, who didn't support his policies.
• How do I sign a check on the front?
• Why stop at Gun Free Zones? We should also create Crime Free Zones!
• I voted for Change, so how come things are still the same?
• The National Socialist Party had nothing to do with Socialism, right?
• We have weekends off, thanks to unions. If enough people join unions, we can get the other five days off.
• My body is my business, but so is what other people earn.
• Why read the Constitution when you can watch the Daily Show?
• Voting "D" = free stuff. Voting "R"= bummer, I'll have to work.
• We keep voting democrat, but we're STILL poor.
• The First lady is like Kim Kardashian, except with other people's money.
• Someday I'll live in my OWN basement.
If you're unhappy because things didn't go your way in 2012, you're not thinking positively.
We don't know how lucky we are until we know what things could have happened - but didn't.
Here is a helpful list that may help you think more constructively.
The Masses are in need of regulation, and with the unanimous election of Comrade President Barack Barackovich Obama, the Party has been able to harness the ardent desires of the People for greater implementation of Socialist doctrine.
Regulation and laws free the People from worrying about making bad decisions that have consequences. By following the regulations set forth by the Party, workers and peasants of America will not have to be concerned about making decisions that may lead to mistakes that will be inconvenient or prevent them from receiving their fair share of social benefits.
Those without proper education are ignorant of the benefits of freedom through regulation.