By popular demand, we have made two versions of this design - cute and rebellious - pick whichever feels more "deplorable" to you.
In this New Year edition of No News - Good News we are happy to inform our readers that the following things did not occur this year:
- FBI: Santa disclosed ânaughty listâ on WikiLeaks, "Helped Trump win election"; Obama expels Rudolph, Prancer, Vixen, and 35 elves in retaliation
- California builds wall to keep out Trump supporters
- Bernie supporters stunned there is no socialist Santa Claus, vow to continue demanding free chocolate cookies, milk
- Washington Post sues Internet for infringing on âfake newsâ business
- Controversy in the lab: white mold excludes black mold; Harvard biologist blames âPetri dish cultures of hateâ
- Scientific News: Long after 1961 burial physicists uncertain SchrĂśdinger is dead
- Sexed-up Mother Russia becomes Milf Russia; Motherland renamed into Milfland on Putin's orders...
How did the ancient mass media report the alleged birth of Christ? The People's Cube prepared the following compilation of quotes from the Roman and Judean sources, which should help our readers to form an unbiased opinion of what really happened in the days surrounding the so-called Christmas.
© 2007 Directorate of Historical Revisionism, Karl Marx Treatment Center.
Dear social justice warriors! You have so outgrown the old hammer and sickle emblem, it's not even funny. The working class has betrayed you and can no longer be trusted. Your new broad coalition is proactively writing a new narrative of safe spaces, microaggressions, dog whistles, snow jobs, institutionalized rapism, and climate denyism. Your community organizers have succeeded in creating a spectacular movement of snowflakes who they hope will one day solidify into an impenetrable iceberg that will sink the Titanic of capitalism. And yet you're still struggling to create an emblem you could put on your armbands, banners, and social media icons. We hope this design will stick. Your movement deserves an original catchy symbol.
Are you a Hillary supporter who still suffers from anger, depression, and seething hatred of all things conservative? Do you regard the simple appearance of an old Reagan/Bush t-shirt as hate speech that makes you physically ill? Are you fearful that you might even have to share a flight with an SS obergruppenfĂźhrer or a member of the Trump family?
Well, your worries are over!Â After the appalling incidentÂ in which Ivanka Trump dared to book a flight just so she could flaunt her fatherâs victory in the faces of traumatized Hillary supporters, JetBlue has taken steps to ensure this never happens again...
Wandering through the streets of the bigger European cities, one cannot help but notice the stressful atmosphere. The annual European Muslim Rape Capital Awards are due in two weeks (2nd January), and these are the last days to win points in the contest. Mayors and representatives are making a final push to make sure their own cities can claim the prestigious award.
Last year's winner, the proud city of Cologne, is once more in the running for victory. Abu Hamza al-Kolonji, the city's cultural diversity officer, is certain of their upcoming victory (translated from Arabic with a slight German accent)...
The FBI was able to track the DNC hack to an IP address located somewhere close to the North Pole, but sources close to the investigation said the trail had grown cold.
"As soon as special agents were close to apprehending the suspect, they unexpectedly left the area," one source confirmed. "They suddenly grew very eager to spend Christmas vacations with their families."
All we know about the "North Pole Hacker" at this time is that he has an uncanny ability to monitor even the most secret communications in order to compile his annual "naughty or nice" list, which he then cross-references - twice - with corroborative data from other sources.Â
"The suspect usually keeps his list to himself," the FBI source said, "but this was an unprecedented year in many ways...
President Obama on Monday pardoned 78 people and granted another 153 commutations, amounting to the most acts of clemency by a U.S. president ever in a single day. White House Counsel Neil Eggleston added that Obama is considering clemency for individuals who have contributed significantly to human progress by "bending the arc of the moral universe toward justice" â even though they were not U.S. citizens and are dead.
Presidential "posthumous pardons" are scheduled to be extended to such legendary international icons as Joseph Stalin, Mao Zedung, Pol Pot, Ho Chi Minh, the Kim dynasty of North Korea, and Che Guevara with the recently deceased Fidel Castro...
As electoral college voters met Monday, many went rogue â but not from President-elect Donald Trump as was expected. Several âfaithless electorsâ who cast their presidential ballots Monday for someone other than Trump or Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton did so in support of Clintonâs Democratic primary challenger, Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders.
We don't envy these "faithless electors" for their fate is terrible. If the phrase "you have failed me for the last time" doesn't ring the bell, watch this video taken at the Clinton's campaign headquarters shortly before the election. The transcript is below.
Now that everybody has discovered that we have an Electoral College and that the cat's out of the bag, so to speak, let's take a quick look at why we have what on the surface appears to be a quirky method of choosing our executive head.
We all remember the Great Compromise, right? That was when at the Constitutional Convention of 1787 two plans of representation were proposed, each with a legitimate argument in favor of it. Virginia, the most populous state, naturally thought a legislature in which states were represented by population was fair...
As widely reported, on December 15 the Chinese Navy seized an underwater research drone in full view of the American ship USNS Bowditch, which had deployed it in the South China Sea near the Philippines. The Chinese government has since promised to return the drone in the form of scraps of metal and a bag of wires that may or may not have been part of the device.
Despite some overzealous commentators declaring the Chinese seizure an act of war, the explanation is far less dramatic.Â
Sources in U.S. intelligence community believe the drone grab might be part of a secret Chinese program that translates roughly asÂ Operation Piece of Tail
Forget all you think you know about the last elections in the USA because... Donald Trump - the so-called president elect - DOES NOT EXIST!
In fact, the image of DJT as we know it is a remarkable holographic feat by the large group of Russian hackers that haveÂ infiltrated the USA. Some of our more credible sources even suggest this holograph is built around the very person of Vladimir Putin himself, whose movements are analyzed through CGI technology and then transferred to the "DJT" holograph. Others suggest the "DJT" hologram is based on movements by Andy Serkis (known to be a model for the computer rendered character "Gollum" in the LOTR franchise)...
Suspicions of Russian meddling in U.S. elections were confirmed Monday, when in the course of the Wisconsin recount Russian hackers succeeded in adding 131 more votes to Trump's victory.
"The real winners in this recount were the Russian hackers," DNC spokesperson Shepard Smith said in a statement during his regular FNC broadcast. "It is now absolutely clear that American election results accurately reflect the will of Vladimir Putin, regardless of whether the ballots were counted by hand or by machine."
In the meantime, president-elect Donald Trump continued his post-election thank-you tour throughout the country, expressing gratitude to Russian hackers...
No crime story is complete without an animated re-enactment.Â
A Cube comrade has turned my GMU arrest story into an animated cartoon and me into a member of the oppressed toon community. I'll never look in the mirror the same way again.Â
Now, in addition to GMU police, I'll also have to watch out for Judge Doom's green concoction known as "dip."Â
For background, see Why I was arrested & thrown in jail by George Mason U police
When a âMarxistâ âcollectivistâ âworker-runâ restaurant with no managers, a âliving wage,â and a strong union opened in Grand Rapids, Michigan, no one suspected trouble. What could go wrong?Â
The first sign of trouble was a pile of unpaid bills. Nobody in the kollektive wanted to pay a single ruble to capitalist exploiters of the toiling masses. Then there were ridiculous taxes that for some reason took too much out of everyone's equal share. Finally, there was this stupid requirement to show up to work, let alone on time. And if you made the mistake of showing up, you were expected to do some work. Even worse, you were expected to make the hungry insolent idiots on the other side of the counter happy...
Ever since Hillary Clinton and allied media organs alerted us about the harmful effects of "fake news," American news consumers have been dazzled and confused, not knowing what news they are allowed to read and talk about safely, and what news can put them in violation of government policies regulating the proper reading of news.Â
Indignant community organizers have been demanding a radical overhaul of all media regulations, as well as a thorough recount of all information ever published since this country's founding, raising concerns that the United States with its current political system itself is a tragic mistake originating in "fake news."Â
While federal judges say that the deadline for such a recount has expired more than two centuries ago, many still believe...
How I became a thoughtcriminal
This morning I received an email from Piotr Jankowski, managing editor of a Polish-language news website in Warsaw, telling me about an article they had just posted about me, my work, and myÂ recent arrest at GMUÂ by the politically correct campus police. The article was titled,Â Persecuted: in USSR for anti-communism, in USA for anti-Islamism.
Surfing their site, it didn't take long to discover close to a dozen People's Cube images and parodies by me and other Cubists from several years back,Â translated into Polish.
While most people simply have to find their Inner Comradeâ˘, I was blessed, or perhaps cursed with 14 Inner Comrades. Plus several Inner Capitalist Swine. I believe I have purged the Inner Capitalists, but I am not sure.
After some self examination, I have identified the 14 Inner Comrades, and their politics.
#1, Comrade Ivan. A devout Marxist-Leninist. Originally served in The Great Patriotic War as a practice target for training new Soviet snipers. Doesn't say much, and is always brooding...
Is good news. Our glorious Party Organ is now officially recognized by PR Newswire as good reading for the toiling workers and peasants. Beet vodka on house!The Peopleâs CubeÂ will help you find your "Inner Comrade" and denounce capitalism with strong communist views. I highly recommend the made-for-the-internet recreation of the out-of-printÂ Red Primer for ChildrenÂ written by Victor Vashi.
FollowÂ @ThePeoplesCube on Twitter.
In this Five Year Plan we pledge to toil even harder to fulfil the Party's quota of fake news ahead of schedule!
The biggest media topic of the day, apart from how president-elect Trump is Hitler, is how the Democratic party can dig its way out of the sinkhole in which it woke up on November 9th. In the meantime, perpetual panic attacks among Democratic elites result in uncontrollable anger, projections, verbal incontinence, hallucinations, and outright lunacy.
Amidst alarming reports that her own party is being consumed byÂ crisis, chaos, andÂ infighting, Elizabeth Warren all of a sudden decided to call Trump's well-organized transition "chaotic" and demanded that a federal agency investigate this matter.
#DumpKelloggs: Breakfast Brand Blacklists Breitbart, Declares Hate for 45,000,000 ReadersKellogg Co. announced on Tuesday its decision to pull ads from conservative media giant Breitbart.com because its 45,000,000 monthly conservative readers are not âaligned with our values as a company.â In response, Breitbart News, one of the worldâs top news publishers, has launched a #DumpKelloggs petition and called for a boycott of the ubiquitous food manufacturer.
We made our own contribution with the poster above. Please share and...
The Nobel Prize Committee today has awarded Hillary Clinton the prestigious Nobel Participation Prize for participating in the 2016 election and for what she WOULD have done had she defeated Donald Trump.
Just as Obama won the prize before her for what he was going to do to promote world peace - such as setting the middle east aflame and creating a refugee crisis while assassinating leaders of sovereign nations in 'Operation Arab Spring' - Hillary wins this year's award for what she might have done had she won.
Criminal Investigation Opened After Man Appears to Urinate on Kelloggâs Cereal Assembly Line
THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!! Why are only MEN allowed to pee in the cereal? I demand a boycott of all Kellogg's products until its factories are retrofitted to allow womyn, transgendered, gender fluid, genderqueer, and other genders -- equal access to be able to pee in the cereal.TAKE ACTION!
A "PROG OFF" RANT BY AN AMERICA-LOVING IMMIGRANT
The Ohio State University jihadist, Abdul Razak Ali Artan, was not just a Muslim immigrant from Somalia. He had the coveted refugee status, which means the US government provided him with food, shelter, and education grants. What made him so mad at Americans that he went on an indiscriminate killing rampage? Was it something he heard from ISIS - or was it the school-approved "social justice" rhetoric aboutÂ how much he suffered in this country as a Muslim
? It could be both, not necessarily in that order.
The University police officer who shot and killed him, Alan Horujko, is another young man from an immigrant family...
Less than 24 hours after learning about the tragic and untimely death of progressive icon Fidel Castro, Hillary Clintonâs campaign said on Saturday it would be joining Green Party candidate Jill Stein in a recount of the former Cuban leader's vital statistics.
Marc Elias, the Clinton teamâs general counsel, said the campaign would take part in the Havana recount being led by Jill Stein. He added, âNow that a recount has been initiated in Havana, we intend to participate in order to ensure the vitals analysis process proceeds in a manner that is fair to Mr. Castro and the Cuban people.â
In this issue:
Beloved communist icon killed by U.S. election results; Trump camp claims president-elect already reshaping world map
CIA Insider: After years of trial and error, CIA finally succeeds with the "waiting it out" technique on Fidel Castro
Lenin's mummy positive role model for youth: example of socialist healthcare that works
I bought this T-Shirt Before Castro Died" T-shirts fly off the shelves at Che-Mart
>FOR SALE: Castro Convertible. Rare 1959 Model. High mileage. Original spark plugs. Ask for Raul. Havana...
HAVANA - In the hours following the death of Fidel Castro, the Cuban government released an official statement blaming U.S. president-elect Trump for Castroâs demise. "The direct cause of the death of the celebrated leader of Cuban communist revolution was the "unthinkable election of the far-right capitalist reactionary criminal oligarch Donald J. Trump," the statement says.
On the night of the U.S. presidential election when Trump was pronounced the victor, the Cuban revolutionary icon was grief-stricken. According to witnesses, a solitary tear...
A few names have emerged from inside chatter of a DNC overhaul following President-elect Donald Trumpâs Election Day blindside. Until now, the candidates to take the reins from interim DNC chair Donna Brazile include Howard Dean; Martin O'Malley, and Keith Ellison,Â a Muslim congressman from Minnesota. But a new name has risen in the past few days, one which promises the end of chaos, disunity, and factional infighting.
"Hillary is done for, along with her theme of women running a man's world," a DNC insider has told reporters. "Look at the mess Debby and Donna have put us in. Now that Hillary is gone, too, there's no more reason to pretend women are capable...
The relatively recent emergence of America's alternative media, which this year has snowballed into a victory for Donald Trump, is now a subject of close examination by puzzled experts from around the world. Analyzing alternative media's success story, thisÂ German-language articleÂ acknowledges the part played in it byÂ The People's CubeÂ and its founder, Oleg Atbashian.
Published in the RT DEUTSCH website, the article focuses on Breitbart News' plans to expand into the German market, given the popular demand for alternative viewpoints in a country suffocated by the "mainstream" leftist media, with a real chance to change...
HOLLYWOOD Reaction was swift and righteous in Tinseltown as the reality of the four horrific years that await the nation under a Trump presidency began to sink in. The elite and beautiful people were outraged that their deplorable fans had ignored their sage and reasonable exhortations to vote for Hillary because they said so.
In the days leading up to the election celebrity endorsements of Secretary Clinton made it plain that only racists, misogynists, Klansmen, Nazis and inbred hillbillies could possibly find Trump palatable.
As all of us on the progressive left already know, the racist hate crime of "cultural appropriation" is only to be enforced against those of the white male heterosexual persuasion. However, since the rigged electoral victory of November 8, 2016 and the pending hostile takeover of the American presidency by the fascist politically incorrect Donald J. Trump, all rules of social justice enforcement are now in jeopardy.Â
Fears among the social justice warriors and safe-spacers are that Mr. Trump will utilize the powers of his phone and pen to apply racial fairness among the masses. As such, reports from inside the White House are that President Obama will soon take...
[ PROG OFF ]
As you mayÂ have heard, on November 4th I was arrested, handcuffed, and taken to jail for posting anti-terror stickers on George Mason University campus. I was charged with "class 6 felony for destruction of property," threatened with five years in prison, and released 14 hours later on $8,000 bail posted by my wife. The court date is now set for February 14th, 2017.
You can read the full description of how it happened in a number of news stories below. Now I'd like to explain why I did it.
In what many describe as a shock of a lifetime, a celebrated team of late night comedians has been defeated Tuesday night by a much less known team called Early Morning Americans. Mainstream media observers and commentators, who have never heard of Early Morning Americans before last Tuesday, are now scrambling for answers, trying to find out just who exactly these newly discovered powerful players are.
Late Night Comedians' team captain, John Oliver, has nevertheless refused to accept defeat. Maintaining that "Late Night Comedians matter," heÂ dedicated the entire season finaleÂ of his HBO show to discussing his alleged loss and plotting a strategy...
Hillary Clintonâs night on the 9th of November went from a celebration to an absolute meltdown once the election unexpectedly turned on her, leaving Trump as the victor. Some of the remnants of Hillary Clintonâs rampage in the private VIP area was discovered by the hotel custodial staff the day following the election.
Hillary Clintonâs post election celebration plans included hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of fireworks, live performances by various celebrities, such as Cher, who came believing that Hillary was going to win the election, a five-hundred-thousand-dollar special effect glass ceiling that she would break through in a dramatic display once she walked out on stage at her H.Q., among millions of dollars worth of other celebratory preparations, all paid for by the Clinton Foundation in full.
The salty tears of all the pollsters, the RINOs, the globalists, the Saudi princes, the media moguls, the big corporate leaders, the European Bureaucrats and FBI director Comey are causing severe flooding in some parts of the USA and most of the social media.
President Trump has pledged to divert some of his swamp-draining tools towards the affected areas to help drain these oceans of tears.
... I'd jackhammer in the morning, I'd jackhammer in the evening, I'd jackhammer all over this land.
Dateline, Hollywood - This morning at 5:45 AM an idealistic young man armed with nothing but a jackhammer and his iconoclastic revolutionary fervor marched down to Trump's Hollywood star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Only the chill early morning air and a crowd of news media who're always there waiting expectantly at the Trump Hollywood star just in case someone with a jackhammer might show up and make a statement greeted him...
MOTHER THERESA ACCUSES DONALD TRUMP OF SLOPPY KISSING
ASSOCIATED PRESS OCT. 25, 1989
"He came running up to me from out of the crowd, with wet lips, mouth agape, tongue wagging, dribbling saliva" cried Mother Theresa to the two policemen. "He looked mad!"Â
"He had both his tiny hands outstretched with fingers wiggling, mumbling something about kittens," sobbed Mother Theresa, as one of the policemen...
A new WikiLeaks dump of emails from the People's Democratic National Committee has revealed that our comrade Hillary Clinton may be considering a gender-oppressive title "Mother" (or "Mr." for short) after she is elected, despite the Party's long-standing efforts to drop "Mr." from all official titles, including that of the U.S. President.Â
A Party consensus has already been settled that the oppressive "Mr." has no place in describing our country's leaders. The title "Mister President," for example, inadvertently puts all males on equal footing with the President, above all non-male groups...
The meaning and scope of non-traditional marriages has been expanding lately all over the world, where diverse people of equally diverse cultures have beenÂ officially marryingÂ not just other people of varying genders and quantities, but also snakes, goats, dolphins, cats, dogs, video game characters, as well as inanimate objects - dolls, pots, pillows, walls, towers, roller-coasters, or even their own cardboard cutouts.
While we wish them to live happily ever after in their progressive non-traditional relationships, we can't help but wonder...
In response to the critique that her campaign consists mainly of throwing dirt at Donald Trump, Mrs. Clinton has now announced her first - and most important - executive plan: an ambitious roadmap to rebuild America's military: the Military Equality Program.
Speaking to a large crowd of 11 supporters and 134 journalists in Washington, Mrs. Clinton delivered a rousing speech:"People no longer respect our military, because it is a source of inequality. Remember the first phase of Iraq II? We rolled them up like a carpet, you could hardly call it a war. Our soldiers were better trained, better equipped and had better leadership, so we never gave those poor Iraqis a fighting chance. That's not the America we want. We need to make sure other nations that want to kill our troops have equal opportunities to do so...
Â is where the kid who worked the hardest on his costume gets the most candy.Crony Capitalism
Â is where the kid pays off the guy with the bowl to give him the most candy.American Capitalism
Â is where the kid tries earnestly to get some candy, but kids from other towns who are willing to get less candy take all the candy he should've gotten...
"If you vote for Hillary Clinton," the 58-year-old Madonna told the crowd at Madison Square Garden, "I will give you a blow job. And Iâm good, Iâm not a tool. I take my time."
In an effort to boost the numbers of patriarchical voters, our beloved MTE is appealing to men using the most basic of persuasions... and just like all of her other "dirty work" she has found a professional to do the job for her.
In a show of support and solidarity, William Jefferson Clinton plans to vote often...
Mrs. Clinton said, shaking like a leaf and crying into her kerchief, "As I walked in front of Donald Trump, the camera on my face, Donald's hidden right hand came up sharply between my thighs. I choked and stopped, speaking for a moment," said the candidate. "I was shocked" she said.
"OK," Mrs. Clinton admitted when questioned by the New York Times reporter, "It felt rather good when Donald kept rubbing me, but I was trying to speak and now you know why he won the debate."
Some previous remarks by Donald Trump have been analysed by psychology experts and the results are quite unexpected: his thought patterns have been declared "typically heterosexual."
Some of you will not know this term, because - as good progressives - we are either homosexual, transsexual, intersexual, bisexual, asexual or veganosexual. "Heterosexual" means actually feeling attracted to the other sex, often with reproduction as a final result...
âThis election is incredibly painful,â Hillary Clinton said. âI take absolutely no satisfaction in what is happening on the other side with my opponent."
Clinton accused Trump of mistreating women, minorities, disabled people, illegal immigrants, prisoners of war, Native Americans, Muslims, and even President Obama by stoking birther rumors.
While in California, she appeared on the Ellen show to warn viewers that the election wasnât over, urging them to vote.
I have kept this a secret for a long time, but can remain silent no longer... I hope my comrades at the Kube here will not think less of me because of my cowardice...
When I was 10 years old, Donald Trump caressed my pussy against my will.Â
I was a young Pioneer back then, and carelessly walking home from a voluntary lecture about the electrification of the European Union, when suddenly a large limousine pulled over and its passenger opened the window. "That's a nice pussy you have there, boy...
King Trumpoden arrives at the battlefield of November and surveys the great host of orcs, media, fraudulent voters, and other Democrats arrayed against him. Turning about on his horse, he delivers his battle speech to his loyal following, the Voteforhimm.
Trumpoden: Arise, arise voters of Trumpoden! Fell deeds awake, fire and slaughter! Spear shall be shaken, shield be splintered, a sword-day, a red day, ere the sun rises! Ride now, ride now! Ride to November!
Godzilla Resurgence is amazing: it entirely skips 60 years of continually advancing plotting, script-writing, special effects, and subtitling from the Japanese. It is beyond execrable, such that you cannot figure out what lost segment of audience could possibly be interested in wasting two hours of their life to sit through this spectacle of blow-up "dragon" with untenable dentition and little stupid front vestigial limbs with dopey fragile clawed hands at the ends, that look powerfully like Obama's when he bounces down airplane steps and his hands are up in supplicatory rabbit pose.
The Great People's Show Trial over Criminal Trump, aka "Second Presidential Debate" has just ended.Â
Its first several minutes gave me the goosebumps, so much it reminded me of the glorious show trials under Comrade Stalin: Hillary as a prosecutor, with both moderators as her faithful assistants, leveling trumped-up charges against the designated Enemy of the Peopleâ˘. Wasting no time, they took turns accusing Trump of terrible deeds and demanding that he repent and crawl on his knees before Hillary, begging for mercy...
The latest Reuters polling of deceased voters in Ohio, Wisconsin, New Hampshire, Florida, and North Carolina show a definite trend favoring Hillary Clinton and Democrat congressional candidates, as the likely dead voters are registering Democrat in massive numbers. Dead Democrats, as well as Republicans who switched parties right after internment, are rising in droves chanting, "We Are Stronger Together."
Many of the respondents, who have failed to inhale for years, show a definite preference for the familiar look of the soon-to-be departed former Commander-in-Chief pictured above, as well as his wife, who appears in a cameo role in frequent coma.
In an effort to strengthen Mr. Trumpâs lagging poll numbers among women, the Trump campaign has secured a most desired endorsement this weekend from Bond bad-girl, Pussy Galore.Â
When asked about his efforts to secure the endorsement Mr. Trump said, "I moved on her like a bitch, but I couldn't get there." Mr. Trump continued, "I finally ate some Tic Tacs and grabbed the Pussy and reminded her that I am a star and I can do anything."
The aggressive, but unorthodox, campaign tactic seems to have worked in Mr. Trump's favor. When asked for a response from Secretary Clinton, the Clinton campaign released this statement...
Schools in southern Illinois were greeted with a terrifying sight in the sky Friday, as a cloud appearing to be in the form of a SIG 556 rifle loomed overhead about 8:30 in the morning. Upon noticing the cloud, teachers and other school personnel rushed to gather the children and move them inside the school to safety, potentially rescuing dozens from cases of PTSD.Â
Mr. Mooney, one of the local elementary school science teachers, stated that "this is yet another example of how climate change contributes to terrorism. It's almost as if nobody can feel safe anymore...
EU leaders congratulated themselves today with enacting harsher immigration and refugee laws that, after many years of political and social turmoil, will finally allow them to save unique European culture by deporting all Americans living in Europe back to their homeland.
Problems for Europe first began over a decade ago, when many Americans, dissatisfied with conditions in their own country, sought a better life in Europe. What began as a trickle slowly turned into a flood, with American migrants creating their own enclaves in many European cities, where Americans only spoke their native language and practiced American customs.
As everyone surely knows, Mother Russia is the fairest, prettiest, biggest, fastest, highest, and mightiest nation on earth. Unfortunately, in spite of these well-known facts, the Motherland's international prestige has been suffering due to imperialist lies concocted by Western propaganda, the CIA, FBI, Pentagon, Obama, and Hillary Clinton.
How do we bring back the deserved prestige, popularity, and excitement about glorious Mother Russia? Kremlin's top scientists tell us that American youths love pretty women, cars, and pinups. We also know from our intercepts of Hillary Clinton's speeches that because of the deepening crisis of capitalism, today's young Americans are mostly basement dwellers...
Right-wing propaganda outlets are all abuzz with theÂ #BasementDwellersÂ hashtag, falselyÂ accusing Hillary Clinton of belittling young Bernie supporters as a Basket of Basement Dwellers. That is a lie: she never used the term "Basket of Basement Dwellers."Â So there.
In fact, a complete opposite is true. Rather than belittling them, Hillary thinks they are quite adorable, sitting in a basement like that, with their starry eyes, begging for treats. Bernie promised them milk-bones, but that was an unrealistic promise because Trump has stolen all their milk-bones and fed them to his basket of deplorables. However, Hillary will be happy to replace their milk-bones with chewy bits of chicken jerky infused with peanut butter.
Questions must be popping up all over the country: how could our brainy and beautiful First Lady befriend such an evil and stupid monster? What's next, hunting with Dick Cheney? Doesn't she remember howÂ for eight dark yearsÂ we cowered in the shadow of the most corrupt, the most evil, the most murderous, and the most bloodthirsty administration ever in our history, both past, present and future?
How could she do this when even now, eight years after his illegitimate dictatorship had been finally overthrown by Barack the Lightbringer, the children are starving, the minorities are being killed by the police, the middle class is collapsing, and even the most enlightened minds in her husband's cabinet still can't put this country...
Ameriphobes have disdain for American values, and believe the American character to be âracistâ and âselfishâ rather than tolerant and generous. Ameriphobes dislike our police and military, and are especially uncomfortable in the presence of the American flag. Ameriphobes consider themselves morally superior to those who are not Ameriphobic.
Ameriphobes blame America for most international conflicts. Even for strife in remote regions of the world, their suspicion points to America as the culprit. Ameriphobes believe the U.S. was (and still is) an oppressive colonial power, despite the fact that it was a British colony...
The premise for this highly touted follow-up to Sutherland's epic 24, which strung readers along a finely calibrated weekly precipice of threat and an agony of suspense is not unpromising.
The entire Capitol Hill and the President have been annihilated by a bomb, leaving only lowly HUD Director Thom Kirkman - 11th in line of ascent under normal circumstances - as the accidental inheritor of the most powerful leader of the free world.
U.S. owes black people reparations for a history of 'racial terrorism,' says U.N. panel.
Offspring of Chinese railroad and information technology workers, Mexican produce-pickers, Irish policemen, Indian casino workers, Polish coal diggers, and other oppressed peoples are furiously planning riots in order to collect their piece of this payout.
The problem is, of course, in determining the racial and ethnic composition of every single applicant. And even then a special commission will need to be formed in order to filter out...
Comrades, the Party needs your help! You were probably also shocked by the first presidential debate last night... It was completely biased ... because the Evil One was able to speak a few words in between the orchestrated personal attacks (provided by Hillary's politicalyl correct comrade).
We must do better next time!
I've come up with some ideas, but they need to be improved... to make the next debate even more Party-approved:
1. Hillary gets a handheld "shocking" device to give painful stimuli to Trump whenever he tries to speak.
2. The part of the audience selected by the Trump team must be gagged and bound to their chairs. It is inappropriate for deplorable people to voice their opinion...
It is common for important government officials to have a "throwaway" or disposable e-mail account forÂ plausible deniabilityÂ and privacy reasons. Dear Leader (PBUH) is a man of the Peopleâ˘ and is now revealed toÂ occasionally have used such an account (nothing to see here, move along) to contact MTE at theÂ personal account that "didn't exist" and he only learned about from news reports.
So the question posed to the astute residents of the Cube: As "Carlos Danger" was already in use, What is/was Dear Leader'sÂ nom de blackberry
The threats by progressives to leave the country should Trump win the election have now found a symbolic representation in a pre-emptive removal of their spiritual leader's 18-foot statue from the roof of a building on East Houston St. in Manhattan.
The picture below captures Lenin statue's final moments in New York City, as it waves a tearful goodbye to the Lower East Side, the breeding grounds of progs.Â
Since 1994 the statue stood atop the building, known to New Yorkers as Red Square, defiantly facing Wall Street, capitalism's emblem. Now that Hillary's declining health and poll numbers have led to massive prog panic...Â
This "side-by-side comparison" visual aid was inspired by a recent comment by Commissarka Pinkie. Allow me to quote:Most of you know that Iâve always had a âthingâ for guys in red hats, and Iâve even taken the pledge to have sex only with Democrats. More and more frequently I find myself hitting on some really hot looking, red-hatted guysâa lot hotter and better smelling than any of the losers Iâve ever found around hereâonly to glimpse, almost too late, that hate speech on their red hats.
We feel your pain, Commissarka Pinkie! So we designed a blue hat to ease your pain...
Comrades! The Party needs your creative juices flowing and frothing, if indeed not actively spewing, to create new or designate existing common objects as symbols of hateful White Supremacy.
It has recently been revealed that a cartoon frog named Pepe, designed some decade ago for an obscure internet cartoon series, is in fact a symbol of the evil White Supremacy Movement. Although the evil White Supremacy Movement was not aware of this fact, it is so because the major networks have proclaimed it to be true.
The problem with this is that the Pepe meme being a symbol...
REUTERS - The 97% number just pops up everywhere because it is a multiple result of everything that is true.
97% of scientists believe in global warming. The other 3% believe in climate change. And 97% of registered Democrats believe anything. 97% of organic gardeners and New Agers believe that Hillary will be the most competent president after Barack Obama who was more competent than George Washington and Ruth Bader Ginsburg. It is rumored that Ginsburg was more competent than president BĂŠla Lugosi. And just as sane...
From our UK colleagues:
The cycle of violence in America spiralled out of control today when a series of violent incidents left thousands dead, including many Arab and Muslim civilians. UN sources and Al Jazeera have confirmed that many of the Arabs killed were refugee children who had fled from oppression. American claims that they too suffered âmany civilian deathsâ have been strongly denied by the UN-affiliated relief workers in the Al Qaeda organisation who maintain that the only Americans killed were military personnel and illegal settlers...
A new reality show is sweeping the nation, starring Hillary Clinton asÂ Mme. ThĂŠnardierÂ and the American people as a basket of deplorables.
The theatrical trailer below comes from our friend and former Cubist Mr. Pinko. Theme music composed by Groucho Marxist:We're Deplorable in every way
And forever more, that's how we'll stay
That's why Hillary, it's incredible
That someone who is so deplorableÂ
Thinks that we are so deplorable too.
It has come to our attention that Mayor Simone Stein-LĂźcke of Bonn, Germany, has come under fire for sharing a picture of a cucumber on social media. If she were to share a picture of a cucumber inside of a condom as an educational aide for local kindergartners, she might have been praised for her courage and open-mindedness. Unfortunately, this Mayor chose to share a picture of a cucumber (Gurke in German) that looked like the Islamic burka, and named it "Gurka."
In this regard, our scientists at the Karl Marx Treatment Center have come up with the following recommendation:All progressive humanity should henceforth abstain from all kinds of humor, puns, spoonerisms, malapropisms, and other forms of wordplay, which by default are offensive to the ever increasing Islamic community...
Thirty years ago, the Burning Man festival started as a small gathering of artists, who were committed to sharing resources and pooling ideas, to create a week-long communal experience. The festival culminates in the burning of a largeÂ man-shaped effigy, created equally by all attendees. The "burn" is supposed to promote a cathartic release.
Over the years, outsiders got more and more curious, until Burning Man became the newÂ Coachella: A place where rich celebritiesÂ pay stylistsÂ to dress them shabbily, while they muck it up with the average folks (who are kept outside...
Đbviously thisÂ author can't recognize masterful propaganda when she sees it.Â
ButÂ as long as we have our 'offending' couch we know we can survive.
We are so offended that we never looked this good... and at our age! We will be looking for something to be offended again by about 2pm this afternoon.
To be offended is the first sacrament of Progressivism. Feeling offended helps to make an issue out of it, which leads to an entitlement, a right, more votes, and more funding!
Thoroughly debunked by now, except in the fevered imaginations of some alt-right wing conspiracy kooks, is the rumor that Hillary, our next president, had a seizure during a news conference. Hillary is fine, and the extreme head bobbing, coughing fits, and laughter over four Americans dying at Benghazi is perfectly normal behavior according to Snopes and other reliable sources.
Unfortunately, the alleged âseizureâ still keeps coming up on the internet and in social media, information outlets that we donât yet fully control, and here again we must lay these ludicrous claims to rest.
New documents brought to light by an investigative watchdog group show that immigrants preparing to enter the U.S. had to undergoÂ âcultural biasâ
Â training in 2016 by a group known for advocating strong immigration measures.
The Immigrant Reform Institute uncovered the documents through a Freedom of Information Act request. The documents revealed many immigrants and refugees were forced to attended a three-dayÂ âTools for Toleranceâ
Â seminar put on by the Heritage Foundation in Los Angeles earlier this year.
Attention all Cubists:
Now that Comrade Red Square has finally (after 22 years) obtained US citizenship and a passport, he can legally cross the border without a disguise. His first foreign operation is going to be a reconnaissance mission to the Motherland. The trip is to gloriously commence tomorrow (Tuesday) and will successfully end on the third next Tuesday after that, immediately following the proletarian holiday code-named "Labor Day." All Cubists must remain in their cubicles until further notice. Instructions will follow...
From the team that brought youÂ Living with Moderate Muslims, the Board Game
, comes a special package forÂ Muslim Appreciation Month
How to play:
1. Load a revolver with six bullets.
2. Aim it towards your head.
3. Say "It has nothing to do with Islam" and pull the trigger. This ends the game.
We also have versions customized for diverse world cultures...
One can't overestimate the importance of image branding. Hitler lost the war because of a weak branding strategy that failed to inspire and retain the sympathies of the world community. In spite of the best efforts by the Nazi Reich Minister of Propaganda, Joseph Goebbels, the Hitler brand was mostly associated with such trigger words as war, evil, destruction, violence, aggression, racism, bigotry, slavery, oppression, and death.
Since then the science of branding and public relations has progressed exponentially, helping the most disadvantaged candidates to win in the court of public opinion by hiring the best political technologists money can buy. Those who would otherwise have a hard time retaining loyalty and support even from their mothers, can now easily become influential leaders, start and win wars, or ...
Great news, comrades! Our court system is doing its due diligence in assuring that every Democrat voter is a SuperVoterâ˘.Â By striking down voter ID requirements in four states, hopefully setting a trend, Democrat SuperVotersâ˘ can vote early and often.
How do the courts do it? Simple. By invoking the Race Cardâ˘, unbiased fair-minded judges are able to satisfy themselves that demanding a voter identify himself (or herself, itself, etc.) is racist. In fact, one justice said that North Carolina's law clearly showed âracially-discriminatory intentâ and that the law would "target African-Americans with almost surgical precision."
Determined not to be outdone by her opponent after Donald Trump announced that he had been given a Purple Heart, Hillary Clinton appeared at campaign rally wearing all of the medals she has been given by her supporters.Â
Thanks to the 9thÂ Circuit Court of Appeals declaring that the Stolen Valor Act was unconstitutional, Hillary supporters have been able to lavish all types of military decorations on the presidential candidate, including several Purple Hearts, the Congressional Medal of Honor, Victoria Cross, Order of Lenin, and the Knights Cross with Diamonds, Swords and Oak Leaves.
It's just not fair that Republican women areÂ better looking. To even the playing field of twin peaks, we Progressives are limiting the use ofÂ #FreeTheNipple, so that voters won't realize how attractive Republican women are.Â
From these points downward, only Democrats shouldÂ #FreeTheNipple, as well as Progressive Socialists who like Bernie Sanders. This will increase the exposure of the sagging Democrat campaign, rather than doubling the support of Republicans.
"Free" goes for other body parts as well. Malia Obama recently tested the limits of celebrating women's bodies byÂ showing her behindÂ at Lollapalooza. As an 18-year-old, Malia is no longer a child, and capable of making her own decision to shake that booty.
Nazis are bad. I think we can all agree on that. But what is a Nazi? I don't really know. What I do know is that they are bad. I hate them for being bad and that makes me good. And since I am good, anybody who disagrees with me is bad. Since anybody who disagrees with me is bad, anybody who disagrees with me is a Nazi.
See how easy it is to figure out who the Nazis are?
The government needs to set prices for stuff. We pay too much for a lot of stuff, and that profit just makes the rich richer. The government should tell companies what they can charge for the stuff they sell. If you don't agree with me, you're a Nazi.
Part of the original Star Trek series,Â The MenagerieÂ tells the story of a Star Fleet captain whom a cunning alien race tricks into living with a hideous woman by creating an illusionary reality, in which they are both healthy, beautiful, and romantic.
The 2016 remake of this story by DNC Studios premiered at the Democratic Convention last night, with an updated plot, in which the same illusion expands to the entire audience: the viewers see the hideous woman, played by Hillary Clinton, as healthy, beautiful, and romantic, while her partner, played by Bill Clinton, has always seen her for what she really is but continues to play along out of habit and for the sake of convenience.
A teenage hacker, calling himself "Batman Onesie," has been identified as Wikileaks' source of newly leaked email correspondence from within the Kremlin. What the emails reveal is the chilling security threat that Donald Trump, possibly our next president, has become.
The most damning email evidence is a conversation between Vladimir Putin, and the current head of the Federal Security Bureau, Alexander Bortnikov. A translated transcript followsâŚPUTIN
: Dear Sasha, I was just now in the Kremlin lounge channel surfing through American newscasts on the web. You won't believe what I saw...
In what is being called the worst political disaster in American history, Hillary Rodham Clinton broke the glass ceiling on Tuesday night, injuring thousands at the Wells Fargo Center in Philadelphia.Â
Those in attendance at the Democratic National Convention little suspected that nominating Clinton would result in catastrophe. The eveningâs events began innocently enough with a montage of the first 43 presidents on a large video monitor above the podium. Suddenly the face of Hillary Clinton appeared via live video feed, emerging through flying shards of glass. As the first rows of conventioneers reeled back from the stage with multiple lacerations...
Hillary Clinton may well have made history by becoming the first woman to win the presidential nomination, but let's not forget about her running mate, Tim Kaine, who also made history by shattering an even more impenetrable glass ceiling as the first fictional character from an alternative timeline to run for vice president in this universe.
Until now this fact remained a closely guarded secret, open only to the elite group of DNC strategists who have spent years trying to summon Kaine from the alternate history universe ofÂ Command & Conquer
Â real-time strategy video game franchise, where he acts as an immortal mastermind behind the ancient and secretiveÂ Brotherhood of NodÂ society.
DNC strategists draw a direct connection between Kaine and the Abrahamic figure of Cain, which he does not...
A group of bigoted "biological anthropologists" have recently come up with a study comparing the size of a howler monkey's vocal tract and the size of his testicles. Disguised as a study of monkeys, their so-called research is, in fact, a subliminal reinforcement of the worst stereotypes about the revolutionary movement of Islamic peoples around the world, as well as some of their progressive allies in Western countries.
To wit, pictures of howler monkeys must have been specifically selected to remind viewers of news footage taken at Muslim Brotherhood rallies during the Arab Spring and other similar events. Additionally, the researchers' snide comments further reveal their Islamophobic bias:
- Males with bigger vocal folds and smaller testicles live in smaller social groupsÂ with one single male dominating a number of females...
Are you a US President plagued by high unfavorability ratings, national debt, budget deficit, unemployment, and poor economic performance? We can help! Your problems will go away instantly if you apply this easy method developed by our scientists at the Karl Marx Treatment Center. Keep reading!
Finding an effective remedy is difficult. Self-medication, such as alcohol, medical marijuana, or hallucinogenic drugs can boost your self-esteem, but their effect is short-lived. Our experts estimate that more than 70 million Americans have poor academic or job performance caused by drugs and alcohol, online porn, or acting as a...
As summer ends and fall begins, our minds inevitably turn toward education and how unfair and rigged the system is for those of privilege. Because it is well established that America is nothing but a backward cesspool of racism and denied opportunity to all but a few, the Great Struggleâ˘ for equality must continue until we reach the Progressive Utopia of Next Tuesdayâ˘.
No, comrades, itâs not enough to demand free education and $15 minimum wage - itâs time we demanded a minimum GPA for all! What is education but a hollow promise to those whose lot in life deprives them of the chance to finish school because they simply didnât produce the right ânumbersâ?
Comrades, didn't the Current Truthâ˘ say there were at least 50 genders, while gender itself was fluid? Meaning that you could identify as a pansexual non-binary genderqueer zhe-zir one day and the next day a womyn (because mentioning men is sexist and patriarchal)?
Then why is the DNCÂ removing two male Bernie delegates from VermontÂ and requiring they be replaced with womyn in order to have gender quotas?
I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that these two are Bernie delegates elected by The Peopleâ˘ and probably didn't want to vote for glorious Hillary. Shame on those patriarchal typical male delegates...
The Russian Communist Party isÂ sexing up its election campaignÂ with Photoshopped posters depicting the Bolshevik leader, Lenin, as a young stud with a red laptop, a communist t-shirt, blue jeans, and a hot babe by his side. Then there's a Photoshopped picture of Stalin sucking on a red advanced personal vaporizer, or MOD (a type of e-cigarette for you non-smokers), with a caption, "Modernize, comrades!" There's also a leather-clad Karl Marx carrying a volume of Das Kapital (spelled in English for some reason as "Capital") and saying the Terminator's line, "I'll be back," also in English.
TV super-sleuth series based on modern-day Sherlock Holmes, Barack Holmes, gets canceled as dwindling audience tires of predictable Barack Holmes always discovering that the gun was the murderer.
CHICAGO, IL - "Black Lives Matter" protesters blocked off West Roosevelt road near the Illinois medical district early this morning in a attempt to disrupt the morning commute of people trying to get to work.
The group, which protested earlier police shootings of African-Americans, refused to move aside even for an ambulance with its lights and sirens blaring, as it transported an unidentified young African-American male who was caught in the crossfire of one of Chicago's daily exchanges of gang-related gunfire.
This month's White House Press Secretary, Josh Earnest, seemed a bit off his game when fielding questions from reporters concerning the resignation of the president's Secret Service detail.
A fuller picture emerged when a former Secret Service agent, going by his codename of "Rogue Honky," held a press conference on the recent mass resignation. "We listened to the president's speech aboutÂ law enforcement needing to admit their problems and issues, and we got to thinking...
You already miss this year's Ramadan Bombathon? Your family lives in a country with few Muslims? You envy your European friends who get to know the joyful and open-minded religion that is Islam, with its peaceful suicide bombings, its feminist-friendly female oppression, and its cultural annihilation?
Then it is time for you to buy our new board game! From the teams of proles that brought you the People's Cubeâ˘ and Political Korrekntessâ˘...
Experts around IPCC already see Brexit influences on climate - scenarios show that it will worsen.
There is a chance - anyway, it canât be excluded - that due to Brexit the sacred value of Pi (those 3.14159...) will shrink, possibly to just 3.Â
Studies for further traces of Brexit-inducing activity also started, focusing on Vladimir Putin, Dr. Fu Manchu, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, and HAL 9000.Â
Research for Zionist roots in Brexit (the Jew pulling the strings behind the scenes) did for now present no unequivocal proof...
To Arms, World Citizens! To Arms!Â The British have rejected the New World Order!
In a stunning upset of the forces of order and decency, the British have voted to exit the European Union. Prime Minister David Cameron has conceded the vote, and, with a catch in his voice as he spoke at No. 10 Downing Street, announced his impending resignation by October.
It seems that knuckle-dragging nationalism is not just the province of the American...
The Democratsâ recent historic, storied, epic, heroic, and romantically glorious sit-in on the House floor has inspired me to ponder what I can do to get noticed, become a social media darling, and engage in a little fundraising for my foundation that does so much to help the oppressed and less fortunate by drawing other peopleâs attention to their plight.Â
Eight years ago,Â I perched on a high-rise ledgeÂ to raise awareness of how much I cared about something. I spent 62 days on that ledge, during which time I raised the awareness, started a national dialogue among everyone who agreed with...
In a stunning development that interrupted coverage of the Democrats'Â "Hey Hey, Ho Ho, Civil Rightâs have got to go"Â PR stunt, numerous celebrities and politicians have decided to forgo armed protection.
In a hastily announced simultaneous press conferences held in Hollywood and Washington DC, media spokespersons for the new Hypocrites No More organization, read off a long list of media celebrities and the hierarchy of the nationâs socialist left who will no longer be protected by guns.
What's it like to fire a Daisy BB gun? It's an experience I'll never forget. Everybody knows BB guns are scary looking and ought to be banned, but I thought I'd try to shoot one without any preconceived notions. What I encountered changed me forever.
I took a deep breath and determined to enter a Wal-Mart. A "greeter" met me with, "Howdy, welcome to Wal-Mart." I'm from the north. We don't say "Howdy". I sneer back at the microaggression and strain to hold back tears of rage. Barely controlling myself, I asked where I could find a BB gun. He directed me to "sporting goods," still smiling and gloating over his slyly delivered offense.
TheÂ reasonsÂ for the tragic deaths in Orlandoâs nightclub remain shrouded in an impenetrable fog of mystery. The initial hypotheses formulated publicly by Prof. Obama were regrettably vacuous, and could not be corroborated until now.Â
Eager to continue in the spirit of the most transparent administration ever, White House looked promptly for the best and brightest analytical minds across the country. That step was easy.
Here they are - masters of imaginative research, wizards of creative statistics, designers of spellbinding diagrams - our UN-approved Climatists!
As law enforcement authorities begin to piece together evidence related to the Orlando shooting, a darker, more sinister image begins to emerge of the mass murderer. In a shocking testimony from his ex-wife, FBI investigators discovered that Omar Mateen had once worked near a Chick-fil-A, and may have visited the Creation Museum in Kentucky.
"He was fine with the gay lifestyle," said his former wife. "In fact, he even joined Gays for Allah and became a leader in the movement with a promising future." But all that was destined to change. Omar's ex-wife continued, "One day he came home smelling like chicken...
Comrades,Â these are dark times indeed. If you do not know how to react after the terrible events in Orlando, please refer to the United Nations Islamic Terror Korrekt Response Protocol version 2.0 (UN-ITKRP v2.0). Your nation's response will be given a score based on the korrektnessâ˘ of your actions (maximum score: 10/10).
1. It has nothing to do with Islam
2. Change the color of landmark buildings
3. Dear Leader's statement to exclude word "Islam"
4. Avoid being called Islamophobe
5. Imagine all the people...
6. Progressive crackdown on political opponents
7. Media: blame gun owners, not Muslims
8. Islamic response
10. Shoot the messenger
Hillary Clinton made history on Tuesday night as she received enough delegates to obtain critical mass and became our first radioactive nominee for President. The historic moment wasÂ caught on camera by CNNÂ as the Democratic candidate raised her arms triumphantly and emitted a blinding flash with the heat of a thousand suns.
Only CNN was able to continue broadcasting as Hillary Clinton was bathed in a radioactive glow. All other news organizations had their coverage interrupted by her electromagnetic pulse...
Cincinnati Zoo director has been compelled to issue an awkward apology after Amazon announced the release of the controversial autobiography,Â In Broad Daylight
, the account of the elite zoo sniper who killed Harambe, the silverback gorilla, on May 28 of this year. The sniper, Wayne "Cooter" Ledbetter, details in the book how he "done kilt" Harambe, the now deceased gorilla.
"We are a group of quiet professionals," said Maynard. "We do our job, we work as a team, and we don't allow for any chest-thumping braggadocio." Mr. Ledbetter has received notice that he is no longer employed by Cincinnati Zoo, and that he will be shunned from the Society of Zoo Snipers."
To begin with, "socialist" and "superhero" are a contradiction in terms.
To be a superhero, one needs the innovation of capitalism and the conservative values of self-reliance.
Progressives argue that superheroes must be socialist because they believe in science, otherwise they wouldn't be able to develop all their gadgets and souped up vehicles, etc., e.g. Batman.Â
Well, if Batman were a socialist, he wouldn't be using his own money. He'd rely on government grants, and the plotlines of most superhero movies would revolve around the superhero unable to save the city from annihilation because the Republicans cut funding to his secret laboratory. Or they did increase his funding, but it wasn't as much as he demanded so it's still considered a cut...
TAMPA BAY, FL - Members of the local Black Lives Matter chapter (BLM) are calling for a boycott of local businesses that sell merchandise designed for white people, such as sunscreen lotions and related skincare products. According to the organization, the sunscreen industry has a history of glamorizing white culture through advertisements that show only light-skinned people, while completely excluding the people of color.
"Sunscreen commercials always portray wealthy white people lazying about on clean beaches or expensive motorboats that minorities just can't afford," says a statement released by Tampa Bay BLM...
Following multiple comparisons ofÂ Target's recent $10 billion stock crashÂ to theÂ Hindenburg disaster, our editors asked a renown necromancer and psychic worker, Miss Courvoisier, to channel the voice ofÂ Herbert Morrison, a radio announcer best known for his dramatic report of the tragic crash of Hindenburg airship in 1937.
Miss Courvoisier, who works the astral from noon to 8pm from her boardwalk psychic booth next to a liquor store on Coney Island, happily agreed.
Below is the transcript of the audiotape.
Animal behaviorist Dr. Kale Crumlin didn't know how close he was to the truth when a few months ago he first shared his observations with a small circle of colleagues in a paper titled, "The Behavior and Habits of Hillary Clinton," in which he compared the former First Lady to the dominant female in a clan of spotted hyenas, also known as laughing hyenas.
"The cackle, the facial expressions, and the predisposition to dominate males were the first behavioral clues," wrote Dr. Crumlin, referring to a known scientific fact that spotted hyena society is matriarchal; females are larger...
It's here! It's girly pink! And best of all,Â it's free! It will make us feel good about ourselves!
Finally, we women have something we can whip out whenever we feel like it!
It's none other than the Official Hillary for America WOMAN CARD!â˘
Play it anytime you feel like a victim. Anytime you feel entitled.
It's hilarious, it's under four minutes, and it's easily the best video ever made by the People's Cube.
Presidential candidate John Kasich told us many times that his father was a humble mailman. At least that's what his mom always told him when he was growing up. However, a new explosive revelation from a former neighbor, now a Bernie Sanders voter, may rip the lid off this childhood make-believe story.Â
"The whole town knew," the neighbor alleges, "that it was a flamboyant milkman who delivered milk to Mrs. Kasich's door from about 1950 to 1954."
Also in The National ENQUIRER is a report on the location of all 88 bound delegates from the states of Colorado, Wyoming, and Utah whom Presidential candidate Ted Cruz had courted and whom no one had seen again - until now!
Henceforth, to prevent all forms of cultural appropriation, all cultures and races are forbidden to dress, behave or talk like other cultures and races.Â To avoid being called a hypocrite, the president ordered one wing of the White House to be rebuilt as an African hovel. He himself vows to "only wear clothing indigenous in the countries my ancestors were from."
Chinese people can no longer vote. China has been an empire and then a communist dictatorship, so by voting these people with Chinese ancestry appropriate Western culture. Shame on them!
Reading will only be allowed to white people, since Native American and African cultures did not have a sophisticated writing system...
MECCA, SAUDI ARABIA - A joint US-Saudi Arabia press conference was held outside the Kaaba late Tuesday night for King Salman and U.S. President Barack Hussein Obama, in which they summed up their negotiations that ended in a friendly agreement and a mutually beneficial citizen exchange program.
Noting the many hours of "robust" negotiations, King Salman addressed the American people directly: "First, you'll never find out what's in the 28 redacted pages of the 911 Commission Report, and we promise not toÂ dumpÂ $750 billion US Treasury notes."
He then stunned reporters with a bold proposal, noting his kingdom's chronic shortage ofÂ foreign slaves...
COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY, NY - During a student-organized seminar held at the ivy league university today, participants were offered a slide presentation highlighting Nazi Germany's economic policies, which many found inspirational.
According to the project's lead creator, "This presentation excludes the racial policies and focuses on the economic and social aspects of the German socialist society at that time. This approach allows students to have an unfiltered and unbiased look at how successful a truly socialist nation can be - or could be again, here in the United States...
In the spirit of current developments regardingÂ all kindsÂ ofÂ privileges, the People's Cube Management is introducing new rules:
Upon entering, every comrade must check his, her, or its privilege at the Privilege Check Room. You will always be able to claim it back upon exit. All you have to do is submit the following paperwork:
- filled-outÂ Privilege Survey
- detailed ethnic analysis from Ancestry DNA
- proof that you have self-identified with your current gender for at least 6 months prior to submission...
WASHINGTON, DC - This morning a protest was held on the steps of the Capitol, voicing disapproval of the fact that hate crimes against minorities, women, and homosexuals are so rare as to be nonexistent. The largely peaceful demonstration went on for several hours and dispersed after nobody paid much attention to them.
"This is a really traumatizing event for me," said one male participant who asked only to be identified as a woman. "My entire life, my identity, my very being is built around me being a downtrodden and oppressed minority. If I'm not oppressed and downtrodden, then what am I? Nothing."
[ PROG OFF ]
I originally wrote this article for theÂ American ThinkerÂ (03/28/16). I wasn't going to post it here, hoping to spare this site from the same temporary insanity that has split the rest of America into those who support Trump and those who hate him and his supporters (as evident from the 633 comments on AT).
But then a couple of weeks later I was contacted by Australia's major news site, News.com.au, with a request to republish the piece. It wasÂ published on 4/16/16, richly illustrated with archive photos and videos - and once again, attracted many comments, ranging from "the best article I've seen on news.com.au in years" to "you suck." Apparently, this is an international phenomenon.
Comrade Irina Alexandrovevskivich has sent us another important transmission. She is hot like hammer and sickle on red banner of revolution. All comrades must listen and spread message in these exact words among workers and peasants of Amerika.Â
All women vote for woman. All men vote for man. Makes sense. Hillary very good at picking leaders. Look at Libya, country much better now.
The unwashed intelligentsia is with you, Irina! You managed to complete five reasons in only four reasons, much like glorious successes with Stalin's Five Year Plans!
Rush Limbaugh just mentioned us
on his show: "Well-known conservative parody site the People's Cube publishes this great parody of the Boston Globe
He also posted this picture of him in front of our graphic:
This is the second time Rush praises our work. Read about the first time here.
Please support this site so we can keep doing this over and over again!
It will be a great day when People's Cube gets all the money they need and the MSM has to hold a bake sale to pay for their America-hating propaganda.
Echoing earlier statements by Justice Sotomayor who complained of aÂ lack of diversity on the Supreme Court, Justice Elena Kagan today suggested that President Obama nominate a Czech women's volleyball player to replace deceased Justice Antonin Scalia.Â
Speaking to a crowd at George Washington University, Kagan observed that "[t]he Court is comprised totally of middle aged-to-elderly Americans, and there's not a looker among them. I truly believe that a Czech volleyball player could bring valuable new perspectives to our jurisprudence, and she would be exactly what is needed to change the low opinion that Americans have of the Court. And because diversity."
The People's Cube responds to the Boston Globe âTrumpâ issue: before predicting the future, take a closer look at the present:
- 74% of Americans donât recognize their country anymore, believe weâre on the wrong track
- Race riots, looting, cop murders in urban areas
- Islamic terrorists rampage through Boston, Obama blames Climate Change
- Presidents gives $150 billion to our archenemy Iran
- Medical bills quadruple
- High taxes, bad trade deals drive industries out of U.S.
- IRS targets political opposition
- Prolonged recession feels like depression; middle class on its way to extinction
- "Illegals before Vets" program launched; southern border remains wide open...
A novel defense by a Tennessee man has had an unexpected effect, resulting in a U.S. Supreme Court decision that has effectively nullified almost every murder conviction in every state of the union.Â
The new and far-reaching court finding has sent State Attorneys General across the country into panic mode, as inmates all over the land anticipate imminent release from prison, and many victims cower in fear of retribution.
In a 5-to-4 vote, the Supreme Court has overturned 2012 triple murder conviction...
Another week, another confiscated enemy spy video Comrades.
This one is focused on the efforts of the progressive global political establishment to bring down a certain American billionaire.The Meeting of the Minds - Episode 3Â
is what the capitalist pig spies are calling this one.
By our EU correspondent in Brussels
Glorious comrades from across the Ocean:
For us in the European Reich, Newspeak has been the official language for many years, and in this spirit I would like to share some advice and tips on how to use this language to my Korrekt Amerikan Komrades.
The newspeak word of the week is:"MULTICULTURAL"
Last week on her FOX News Kelly File, Megyn Kelly asked audience members if we thought there was any resemblance between her and a character from Star Trek called Seven of Nine. She thenÂ posted the same question on Facebook, with a video.
Indeed, Seven of Nine was a formerly human Borg drone who assimilated individuals into the Borg collective until the Voyager crew separated her from the Hive Mind and she returned to humanity. Comrade Kelly, on the other hand, is devolving in a different direction. Having joined the collective ofÂ 16 media dronettes, she has assimilated into the NeverTrump Hive Mind and may as well start calling herself One of Sixteen.
The Republican and Democratic National Committees both issued statements today to reassure primary voters and caucusgoers that their votes, donations, and efforts are just super. While the RNC release focused on rumors of a brokered convention, and the DNC addressed the influence of superdelegates, both committees expressed that rank-and-file voters are really, really terrific.
For the DNC, superdelegate and former President Bill Clinton wrote, âI know, all too well, that most of the buxom young squirrels in our party have been supporting Bernie...
From our European contributor in Brussels:
As you all know it has been a good year for those of us striving relentlessly to extinguish every remnant of the vile bourgeois and racist "European Culture". With some help from our radical friends in the Middle East, a true exodus has begun with millions of refugees flooding the fertile fields of Europe. I hope soon my Amerikan comrades will also have the joy to participate in this wonderful phenomenon! To honor those who strive towards the cultural suicide (or should we say euthanasia?) of the outdated European culture with its ridiculous "free press", "women's rights" and "democracy", the Kommissariat and High Praesidium has created a set of awards.
The story dominating today's news cycle is how woman-hater Donald Trump's campaign manager assaulted a truthful female reporter Michelle Fields as she approached the candidate with a reasonable question, demanding to know when he was going to stop beating his wife.Â
According to Michelle Fields, Trump's male chauvinist pig campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, immediately pushed her to the ground, where he kept kicking her with his cast-iron-tipped cowboy boots, after which he repeatedly raped her - knowing full well that nobody would pay attention amidst all the noise in a room packed with reporters and cameras - as he surely must have done to other female reporters in many a crowded room along the campaign trail.
His plan worked: nobody in the room - even Michelle Fields herself - became aware of the attack until the next day, when she suddenly collapsed into a politically induced coma and was moved to National Review Memorial Hospital.
The positive response to my first book was overwhelming. Many readers on Amazon praised Shakedown Socialism for its insights, style, and originality, regretting only that it was too short. By popular demand, I have republished it with more relevant material and a new, more attractive cover. Here is one such review:I've bought books on Amazon for a while but never felt the need to write a review before. This is not a typical anti-socialist book at all. None of the familiar rhetoric you might be expecting. While not an academic work by any means, the author makes some of the most compelling arguments I've ever read, and from an angle you seldom think about. His anti-union argument is so perfect, I will be repeating it in conversations for the rest of my life. Some serious mental ammunition for arguments with any unfortunate, collectivist-leaning friends you may have. Even if they refuse to read it, the images (on practically every page) might catch their attention if you can get them to flip through it...
As NASA isÂ selling its soul to capitalism, China is finishing up itsÂ secretive military facilityÂ in Argentina, which will help them in their space endeavors. China is ruled by one of the greatest governments on earth, which has crushed all opposition to its authority and has built a substantial economy. Everyone living under their regime has a deep appreciation of the government for keeping unqualified masses away from democracy.
China also hasÂ mixed feelingsÂ about Donald Trump. On the one hand, the Chinese government sees super-rich and successful Trump as one of their own, but on the other hand, it hates Trump as a privileged...
Under intense pressure from animal rights groups, Sea World acknowledged today that it will be ending the Killer Whale, or Orca, shows that have delighted and educated millions over the past 50 years. As part of theÂ announcementÂ Joel Manby, SeaWorld's president and CEO, also introduced plans for an ambitious new exhibit tentatively named âSeatopia.â
"We've come to realize the cruelty of keeping magnificent mammals like Orcas in captivity" said Manby. "That is why we have decided to immediately replace our entire Orlando park with a 160-acre, 100-foot deep ocean simulator."
Our video section of the Cube had been defunct for some time due to code changes on the YouTube side, but now it's been fixed and we invite all comrades to check out our new and old PeoplesTube videos.
Have you heard of the shocking and terrifyingÂ diaper gapÂ that is now dividing this nation? It is said to be so dire that the White House is urging immediate government assistance to buy baby diapers. Philosophically, this puts disposable plastic consumer products in the category of inalienable rights guaranteed by the government: among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Diapers.
When I lived in the USSR, we never even heard of disposable diapers. For our three children, we used pieces of cloth which we washed regularly...
The unthinkable has happened: an American gay bar called "The Pink Cucumber" has just opened in the centre of Tehran. As an emissary from the European Union's Ministry of Truth I had the honor to take part in a recent cultural visit to Iran to study this phenomenon.
My first visit was to the offices of prime minister Rouhani. The prime minister stressed that his government wanted to show the world how Iran respects the ideas and preferences of other cultures. In his exact words...
WASHINGTON, DC - A leaked recruitment letter reveals that the National Security Agency bolsters its ranks with individuals who frequent pornography websites themed around the sexual fetish of voyeurism, which is the act of watching unsuspecting people during private intimate moments.
Similar types of recruitment pools are not unheard of in the government or the military. For example, drone pilots are often recruited from among avid gamers because it is believed that those passionate about controlling vehicles or characters in a simulated world...
CHICAGO, IL - Tonight one thousand peaceful communists, socialists, anarchists, Black Lives Matter activists, devout Muslims, immigration advocates with Mexican flags, and local students of Marxism,Â disrupted a meeting of some twenty five thousand angry and violent Trump supporters, leading to its cancellation. The Trump crowd had it coming because they had conspired to shut down everyone else's right to free speech by buying tickets to the event, which was closed to those who didn't have tickets. That was a grotesque violation of the protesters' right to get inside, jump on the podium, rip Trump signs, and scream "F** Trump" into a TV camera.
It has long been speculated that animals have some uncanny ability to sense approaching natural disasters, such as earthquakes or storms. Others believe animals are more sensitive to the supernatural and can get a feeling of one's personality just by being near him or her.
Animal specialists in Michigan have observed an odd spike in excessively anxious and even aggressive animal behavior in the recent several weeks, focused around the areas of Lansing and Detroit. In particular, this phenomenon could be easily documented in multiple animal shelters maintained by local branches of Humane Society...
Bernie Sanders gets it. Heâs the only candidate who understands economics, and heâs the only real choice for the Peopleâ˘. Other candidates talk about going toe to toe with âBig Oilâ or âBig Pharmaceuticalsâ, but onlyÂ Bernie has the courage to take on Big Deodorant, and heâs not afraid to raise a stink about it!
Bernie is right. Itâs a national tragedy when our kids go hungry and all they have to choose from is 23 underarm spray deodorants. Now, I donât know how much money goes into the corporate coffers of Big Deodorant, but itâs probably in the trillions.
We all know how the game of Capitalist Monopoly works: one player wins and the rest lose, at least until the next round. But what if you are a permanent loser? That is unfair. The most obvious solution to this crisis is to remake the rules in your favor.
Brilliant minds among the loser community have made repeated attempts to make new rules that would allow them to become winners. They mostly ended up with appointing one of the players to be a dictator (usually themselves), who promises to redistribute everything on the board equally so that everyone wins. The dictator appoints assistants and together they become the government. For this plan to work, the government must forcibly take over all the property on the game board...
INDIANAPOLIS, IN - Jason McKay has made a living for himself by assisting criminologists and psychologists in creating psychological cases of some of the world's most dangerous and high profile criminals, cult leaders, and killers in recent history. In the past twenty years, McKay has also been called on by FBI investigators to help with their investigation of serial killers, such as Jeffrey Dahmer or the BTK killer, which resulted in him creating extensive and invaluable case files that have since become gold standard in criminology.
But it wasn't until this February that McKay has also caused a political stir with some unsettling observations he made while watching Hillary Clinton...
Please notice that I haven't once used the Cube to bash or promote any of the GOP candidates, even though some others have tried. I respect our members and their opinions. I also waited for the field to clear and see where the primaries would end up.
Now that Trump has won Nevada and Drudge declared him "the nominee" - apparently because The Donald is likely to winÂ most other statesÂ - I thought it was time to post this "Feel the Earn" banner and suggest that we start uniting behind one candidate.
WASHINGTON, DC - President Obama announced that he is going to finally shut down Guantanamo Bay, keeping a promise he made back in January of 2009. As part of the Closure Plan, of the nearly 1,000 terror suspects currently held in the prison approximately 600 will be relocated to a maximum security prison inside the United States. Once they have completed their time, if they are not to be held indefinitely, they will be offered a U.S. citizenship and additional funding to help them get a decent start with a new life as a new American.
Expecting many Americans to beÂ outraged with this idea, the administration...
Are you constantly enraged over dating inequality? Do you agree that the government should step in and guarantee the romantic desires of the toiling masses, from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs?
MeetÂ Bernie SinglesÂ - an online community of unwashed lonesome comrades longing for dating equality and a fair redistribution of mating partners.
We welcome yet another dating website that models itself on the People's Cube. For too many years our People's Dating Service remained the only outlet of romantic progressivism for toiling workers and peasants of all 57 genders and variations thereof. Revisit these threads, comrades - we assure you that all of those characters are still single.
ATLANTA, GEORGIA - The New Black Panther Party, an admittedly black supremacist group, has announced last week that their organization has purged 137 of its members nationwide after it was discovered that they had a Caucasian, Asian, Hispanic, or a Native American parent or grandparent.
The discovery came after the New Black Panthers initiated a new mandate requiring all current members and applicants to prove their African heritage with documents showing at least four generations of pure and unadulterated African ancestry.
Of the 137 expelled members at least 30 had been revealed to have Caucasian parents on both sides...
Remember the days, comrades, when we were panic-stricken at the idea of a Catholic presidential candidate because he might defer to the Vatican on all the things that are so important to the Progressive agenda?Â
Remember how proud we were of Catholics like Kerry and Pelosi putting the Party above whatever the Pope thought? So much so that we donât even think of them as Catholics, except when they deem it convenient to mention.Â
Remember how we rubbed our hands with glee and drooled over the prospect of the Catholic Church collapsing and disintegrating under the weight of all those sex scandalsâincessant, outraged talk of which vanished into thin air about five minutes after Old Man Ratzinger resigned...
Some decades ago a wise man said, "The fascists of tomorrow will be called anti-fascists." It seems that tomorrow is already here and we may as well say, "The fascists of today call themselves anti-fascists."
Enter Shepard Fairey, the favorite visual agitator and propagandist of the American Left. We don't think he considers himself a fascist at all. It's just that when he tries to think of the coolest possible visual for a socialist candidate like Bernie Sanders, he comes up with a design that not only screams "national socialism" due to its style and execution, but directly imitates the elements and composition of Nazi paraphernalia.
Attention ISIS customers: Apple continues to provide a secure product to plan and organize your attacks on infidel non-believers.
If you are caught or killed, can your internet browsing history and your contact list remain unidentified by the FBI? WillÂ your
Â phone remain locked? Carry an Apple iPhone, it will!Â By Allah, you have rights, and Apple will protect them.
iPhone: spread the Religion of Peace with peace of mind.
This happened when Hillary struggled to finish her speech in Harlem, in which she said that white Americans needed to recognize their "privilege." Then she started coughing and trying to suppress various apparently living and moving objects trying to come out of her mouth.
We hear they found a giant wad of wet goat hair on the floor behind the podium where she was standing that looked remarkably like a hair ball similar to what an animal would cough up. Surely there is a reasonable explanation for that.
Other sighting included...
As Progs across this great land celebrate the death of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia -- a man who has stood in the way of Next Tuesday for decades -- there is one bit of bad news for those of us working for Global Warming Equality. Here, just read this: Greens faced with nightmare scenario at the Supreme Court
If onlyÂ the assassins had gotten to himÂ a few days earlier! Our wayÂ FORWARDÂ is clear: Justice Scalia's replacement must be named immediately, and there is only one who can get the job done: Dear Leader Himself. Just think, once he's appointed to the Supreme Court, it's a lifetime position and he won't have to muck about with silly term limits and other artifacts of bourgeois baggage from an era whose days have long passed.
Dating a dictator can be a scary and dangerous endeavor. But it also offers an opportunity to meet the authoritarian oppressor of your dreams, provided that the proper precautions are taken. Whether you are a young starry-eyed Utopian or have been around the eastern bloc for a while, everyone can benefit from these tips and guidelines for safe dictator-dating procedures.
Do not jeopardize your livelihood for a night out having fun. By observing the following tips, you can still have a great time and live.
Manchester, NH â When Ted Cruz won last week's Iowa caucuses and Marco Rubio nearly tied for second, the Republican party seemed to show signs that it was finally open to allowing minorities to achieve success. Then the New Hampshire primary brought the GOP firmly back to its roots as rich white man Donald Trump's convincing victory laid to rest any illusions that a minority or female candidate could ever be the party's nominee.Â
In the more tolerant Democratic party, women and minority candidates won Iowa, finished no worse than second in New Hampshire, and are heavily favored in the upcoming contests.
DETROIT, MI - In what seems to be a far from isolated case, reports are surfacing about the treatment workers campaigning for Hillary Clinton must endure on a daily basis if they wish to keep their employment under the 2016 presidential hopeful. Some of the conditions have been described as near-slave-labor, including a ban on bathroom breaks. The most severe treatment is found in areas like Detroit, Michigan, where any form of employment is difficult to come by and the workers know that no matter how poorly they are treated, they will not find work elsewhere.Â
An archaeology student at the University of Southern North Dakota at Hoople made the startling discovery while at a site in Egypt.
While working at the site of the Abusir necropolis near Cairo, student Alexandra Knudson casually observed that âevery time we study history we have to digâ. The off-hand comment almost let to her summary expulsion. Other students began to discuss the possibility and eventually a theory was passed on to the other science departments at the university.
After over two years of study and observations, it was determined that several factors outside of the current climate change âconsensusâ were actually the cause of the recorded increases in temperature.
TEHRAN, IRAN - In an effort to make the Islamic Republic of Iran a more progressive and socially accepting state, its government has announced that it will indefinitely halt the routine executions of homosexuals within its borders and even legally recognize gay marriage, which signifies a dramatic shift in national policy.Â
The announcement came early yesterday morning in the wake of the massive amount of money given to the nation of Iran by the United States. It is speculated that the recent change of heart is a direct result of the Obama administration's friendly attitude towards Iran.
It came as a shock to the LGBT activists in the U.S. who had previously written off Iran as an enemy of their movement. But now that the Iranian government has made an official stance against the public hanging of its homosexual citizens, the LGBT community has opened the doors to the possibility of labeling the Islamic nation as an ally...
If you cringe at NSA's methods of gathering dirt on world leaders, consider what the KGB had been gathering to achieve similar results. In the 1940s Stalin's secret police had set up a special department to get its hands on foreign leaders' excrement with the ambitious aim of constructing psychological portraits by analyzing their feces.
Chairman Mao became the first foreign leader whose stool was stolen by the KGB.
Retired KGB agent Igor Atamanenko, who claims he had uncovered this project while doing research in the archives of the Russian secret services, told the BBC that "in those days the Soviets didn't have the kind of listening devices which secret services do today. That's why our specialists came up with the most extravagant ways of extracting information about a person."
The latest NBC News/Wall St. Journal polling revealed a rare area of agreement between Democrat and Republican voters, namely that both groups now overwhelmingly believe that only the merciless slaughter of the opposing party and its voters can solve America's problems. Among those identifying as Republican, Conservative, or Libertarian, 83 percent favored the wholesale massacre of all liberal freaks, while 87 percent of Democrats, Liberals, and Progressives supported the total liquidation of right-wing lunatics.
"For most of 2015 the country's mood was defined by anger at the inexplicable stupidity of the opposition party...
The University of California has adopted a new policy requiring all students who identify with being Caucasian to purchase mandatory "Free Speech Insurance" as part of enrollment fees, $1,000 per-semester, set to begin in the fall semester of 2016.Â
The idea had been bouncing around for about a year until the UC Board of Trustees was able to put all the logistics in place. The concept of mandatory Free Speech Insurance (FSI) is based on the belief that "free speech" and "safe spaces" on campus are mutually exclusive as they stem from fundamentally different belief systems that are diametrically opposed to one another.Â
Little tiny instruments tucked in a small capsuleÂ can track how much gas you are producing, sending signals to a government agency tasked with tracking, measuring, and capping your release of greenhouse, or rather brownhouse gasses, to ensure a better future for our children.
The gas you have been uncontrollably releasing into the atmosphere can very likely be the cause of cataclysmic events that make nuclear winter look like a walk in a park. Until now your right to release the dangerous methane freely has been protected by the Constitution, leading to a situation when citizens took for granted their habit to pass gas at will and without any government permission.
WASHINGTON â Secretary of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson announced a new DHS "Check Your Privilege Before You Say Somethingâ˘" public awareness campaign created in cooperation with the Council of American-Islamic Relations (CAIR) and ACLU.
The nationwide campaign highlights the Department's continued efforts to partner with social justice activists, Muslim organizations, and minority pressure groups to ensure the safety and security of their members and field operatives..
PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA - Reports are surfacing from various Chinese news sources that a bust of Bernie Sanders has been erected in the "people's garden" behind the Presidential Palace at Pyongyang, the capital of North Korea, sometime during the past few weeks. Sources say a plaque beneath the statue reads "Bernie Sanders, Hero of True Socialism, Proponent of Communist Ideals."
This event marks the first time that a U.S. citizen has received any kind of recognition from the DPRK and is only one of a few other foreign nationals to be officially recognized by the State of North Korea. The only other foreign recipients to be honored with a bust of their likeness have been Vladimir Lenin, Joseph Stalin, Karl Marx, and Mao Zedong, who are all reportedly located side by side in the garden among ...
I made this as an illustration to the news that Vlad Putin, whose grief over the dissolution of the Soviet Union has led him on a quest to find the culprit, has now concluded that it was Vlad Lenin. It was Lenin who started the first "color" revolution that ruined the glorious Russian Empire, and it was he who laid a time bomb at the foundation of the USSR with his destructive policies.
Putin's task is now to kill the revolutionary spirit that sent the centuries-old empire into its current turmoil, which is still dormant inside the mummified body inside a glass casket inside a mausoleum in Red Square - at the foot of the Kremlin, in the middle of Moscow, at the very heart of Russia.
At the same time, not to alienate his communist allies inside and especially outside Russia (a solid support base for sabotage and influence operations overseas), Putin performs an intellectual contortion, admitting that he still likes communism and socialism - just...
Our female-gendered (or self-identified as such) Childrenâ˘ no longer have to suffer from unattainable beauty standards induced by patriarchy and cisgender privilege.
After years of our coordinated attacks on Mattel, the company has now complied with the Will of the Peopleâ˘ to celebrate Compulsory Diversityâ˘ byÂ modifying the existing Barbie lineÂ to include minorities, body styles, and hair differences. Reeducated with our mandatory scientific methods, Mattel researchers have improved the line to reflect a more "normal" appearance, including but not limited to "muffin-tops," under-arm "bat-wings," scars from arthroscopic knee surgery, toenail fungus, acne scars, tattooed "tramp-stamps" and stretch marks...
The morning roll call showed that one comrade was missing from the barracks. Specifically, Captain Craptek. And with it, my briefcase containing a pen and a phone, blank signed stationeries with executive orders, and compromising materials on all party members. You understand that one can't run an efficient party operation without maintaining dirt on one's comrades.
Coincidentally, the briefcase also contained nuts. We don't know at this time if Craptek was more interested in the nuts or in the dirt. But a search under his bunk bed uncovered an unregistered email server with filed serial numbers. The insides of the server contained a lot of dirt and some nut shells.
SEATTLE, WA - As Washington State continues its mission to drain the wealthy of all their money, they have successfully opened another money hole for the money pit.Â Many witnesses have said that watching a newborn money hole opening up is close to seeing a miracle, with some suggesting to use public funds for the new hole's child support since the old money pit does not have enough left.
In the meantime, one of the newborn hole's alleged parents, named Bertha,Â is reportedly feeling boredÂ of the Washington job and seeks vacation money to go to Rio De Janeiro for the Olympics...
From an undisclosed location somewhere in the Chicago metropolitan area, a cult known as "Disciples of Barack," whose members revere President Obama as a living deity, has taken to the streets and social media platforms with the message that "the arrival of Donald Trump signifies that the end times is here and the only escape from the horror and peril is to leave with us on January 20th, 2017 at 11:00pm Eastern Time."
Jeremiah Allison, the self-proclaimed profit and leader of the Disciples of Barack, has come out in the open for the fist time since he conceived this religion during the 2008 presidential race
[ PROG OFF ]
CNN host Fareed Zakaria is now calling to censor social media because he was offended byÂ The People's Cube satireÂ about his writings. Without mentioning that our satire was a hyperbolic buildup on his own recent writings, Zakaria cries for government protection of his hurt feelings, making it clear that he can dish it out but can't take it. Taste your own medicine, Fareed.
"Progressives" have trolled, ridiculed, satirized, maligned, insulted, bullied, and lied about conservatives since the inception of the Internet. But once they see the signs of oncoming traffic, they cry and run to mommy - or to the nanny state in this case...
The Cologne Mayor's recent adviceÂ on how women should handle themselves with immigrants/refugees did more harm than good, in terms of our progressive dreams and hopes. Women must learn their proper progressive place whenÂ it comes to state decisions on immigrants and refugees. One must make themselves subservient to the state.
As such, we have put together a helpful guide for progressive women. As it comes to the state's wishes, every woman approached for a sexual assault by immigrants/refugees should do the following...
Former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, now a candidate for the Democratic Party nomination in the race for the White House, disclosed that the recent tension with Iran involving the forced detention of American sailors was caused by the release of a derogatory video last week.
"Once again, irresponsible insults by a film maker have resulted in American lives being placed in jeopardy," stated Clinton Spokesperson Aiden Abet. "In direct response to the insults made in this 'film'--in reality nothing more than a hate crime on celluloid--the Iranian Republican Guard spontaneously rose up to avenge...
WASHINGTON, DC - President Obama has approvedÂ animal-human DNA splicing researchÂ today, which he is hoping will ultimately lead to the creation of the New Man, the most equal living creature on the planet fit to live in the progressive society of the future as predicted by Karl Marx.Â
While other countries are still unsuccessfully attempting to breed the New Man byÂ genetically modifying the human race, Barack Obama, after studying the human genome, has concluded that humans in their existing form lack many necessary qualifications.Â Humans, as they exist today, have a number of uncorrectable shortcomings, starting with inefficient warm-blooded bodies that require food, clothes, and shelter...
The toiling workers and peasants of the American Union marked the historic 7th Obama government year with new successes in economic development and unparalleled advancement of the people's well-being and cultural awareness. It was the most audacious, revolutionary year of my auspicious, historic presidency.
Guided solely by the Party and its beloved leadership, America has become ideologically pure and organizationally integrated, with the leader as its one and only center. We have largely overcome factionalism and opportunistic ideological trends of all hues...
Following New Year's Eve attacks in Cologne and elsewhere, the French-German border has been clogged with desperate Germans attempting to escape the worsening humanitarian crisis brought on by the Muslim migrants. With their homes devastated, their families torn apart, and little prospect for peace back in Germany, hundreds of thousands of German refugees are now ready to leave everything behind to find the security they so desperately need.Â
For millions of Germans, their first place of safety was a neighboring country, like Holland, Belgium, or Denmark. But...
Snopes.com, a fact-checking website with a mission to uphold the Current Truth by demolishing unauthorized deviations from the Party line (while leaving the Party-approved deviations undisturbed), has stepped in it when it began to disprove the People's Cube satirical fiction.
Their first few debunkings of our political fantasies were thorough and neutral in nature, which made them quite amusing. They started with our story about howÂ Rosie O'Donnell tattooed the black flag of ISIS on her butt to protest American imperialism. Snopes's professional journalistic investigation into this subject matter made a fascinating read. A few more similar debunkings of our political parodies followed, which one might call "over-debunking." Naturally, we responded with more spoofs about how theÂ Snopes.com CEO was arrested...
COUNCIL BLUFFS, IOWA - Witnesses are coming forward confirming that former President William J. Clinton suffered minor injuries back stage while his wife, Hillary Clinton, attended a town hall event as a part of her presidential campaign yesterday.Â
According to a dozen witnesses, shortly after his arrival at the event center, Bill Clinton started talking to Nicole Reynolds, a 22 year old MSNBC makeup intern.
"No one knew what to do," Alex Knight, an audio technician, told a reporter. "We were specifically instructed not to engage or even speak to any member of Clinton's staff, let alone Bill Clinton. There was nothing we could do. It was a very uncomfortable scene for everyone to watch. At the same time we could hear Hillary talking about women's rights over the speakers, which I thought was ironic."
With more of Hillaryâs emails being exposed to the nation's mindset, certain previously suppressed memories begin toÂ emerge out of the subconscious, causing us to doubt her ability to control our reality.
We were not supposed to know or care about Hillary's ties to Sid Blumenthal. It was for our own good that we didn't remember who this man was. We were all better off thinking and feeling only what Hillary wanted us to think and feel. Now that the Republicans have ruined this blissful relationship, we begin to feel disturbed by unsolicited facts and unauthorized memories that lead us to question our trusted Democratic leaders.
Fareed Zakaria, CNN host of 'Foreign Affairs,' a program focusing on international events, has in his private blog called for the merciless rape of white females by Islamic minority groups shortly after openly gloating over the rise in premature deaths of white males in his article inÂ The Washington Post.
Zakaria's blog post unapologetically calls to increase the death rate of white Middle America by systematically targeting Caucasian females.
In this New Year edition of No News Good News we are happy to inform our readers that the following things are not going to occur in the coming year:
- Iran nuke annihilates Israel; defiant James Taylor sings "You've got a friend" over smoking pile of ashes
- Chicago man claims to be world's worst liar; nobody believes him
- College students crumble from micro-aggression; counselors redouble self-esteem-building efforts
- Shocking study finds over-hyping 1,000% effective, changes everything forever!!
How many of you think nothing about leaving a $10 tip after a dinner at a restaurant?Â Why not tip the host after visiting the People's Cube?
It has become a People's Cube tradition that in the last days of the outgoing year we post a list of things that didn't happen that year, a list of things that won't happen in the coming year, and sometimes a list of things that will, indeed, happen.
See our lists for the years ofÂ 2012,Â 2013, andÂ 2015. For all we know, 2014 never happened.
Once again, special thanks to the most equal contributions from Will Beria, our Official Listmaster of Things that Didn't Happen and Will Not Happen.
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