GROTON, CT-- In a commencement speech to 218 graduating cadets at the U.S. Coast Guard Academy, Dear Leader Obama made it clear that the biggest threat we face as a nation is an evil force known only as Climate Change. Details of this shapeless enemy are shady, but sources close to the administration believe that the president actually believes that 'concensus' is and always was a part of the 'scientific method', ensconcing the idea as Current Truth.
The Führer told his captive audience: "Climate change constitutes a serious threat to global security, an immediate risk to our national security, and, make no mistake, it will impact how our military defends our country. And so we need to act — and we need to act now."
Almost immediately, his military advisors held a think-tank session and came up with a very logical solution to this entire matter...
Just as The War Department sold War Bonds in the Second World War to fund the war effort, the federal government will begin an ad campaign aimed at giving American civilians an opportunity to voluntarily declare war on Climate Change with their wallets. All who refuse to participate will be taxed at a higher rate to compensate for their lack of patriotism. Posters advertising the program can be seen below. HEIL HILLARY!
As I study the early foundations of The Cube, I am discovering a wealth of information that has been lost to time. For example, once upon a time, at the Dawn of the Cube, a greeting was commonly used by those collectivist pioneers, our forebears. It was in reverence of our soon-to-be Many Titted Empress, Her Majesty Hillary.
I am not certain of its origin or author, but I like it. Comrades, it is time we reinstate this custom of greeting one another with a phrase befitting of a collective that is privileged enough to be led by the Glorious Hillary. It should be our duty and our honor to demonstrate our groupthink by using and requiring others to greet us in this way. This will ensure that we are all of one accord, and that no dissention will arise among us.
Now, without further ado, I give to you the latest incarnation of our devotion to the Party, our provider and protector. Let us all show our gratitude to the Party and its selfless leadership with the greeting: HEIL HILLARY!™ This simple phrase speaks volumes about our state of mind, as well as our opinion of the state itself. Your comrades will notice your zeal, or lack thereof when using this obligatory greeting, so say it like you mean it, OR ELSE!
Now comrades, you may be wondering, what is in the Free Trade Agreement, aka Obamatrade? Why does it need to be secret? Even Rethugican Mitch McConnell said, "We need to pass the bill to see what's in it." The answer will come shortly.
This trade agreement is not only about the citizens of USSA and other brotherly socialist nations. It is about a quicker spread of international socialism by handing more power to the UN. The UN has everything to do with the plan. Since empowering the UN is another way to get rid of the US constitution, giving them the powers over American trade accomplishes just that.
Once American business start failing due to cheaper international competition, the government will buy them up and will soon own all business in the USSA. Once the government owns all business, the unions will have outlived their usefulness and will be discarded as rebellious anti-government entities. Anything not sold by government will be considered illegal. Anyone caught with contraband and any other privately made items will be sent to Northern Alaska.
Government-run businesses will only produce what the citizen needs and not what the citizen wants. As a result, government will own everything pertaining to your work, homes, food, clothes, and entertainment. That is a win-win situation for every comrade since the burden of responsibilities will be lifted. You will no longer worry what to wear and how people see you, because everyone will be wearing exactly the same government-approved items.
In the end, this bill will allow the government to take care of you. No thanks needed.
When you want to fundamentally transform America, but make it gradual, green cards can help. Granted, public education is a great tool helping us, the people, to un-learn the Constitution, but foreigners are even better because they already don't know the Constitution. Not knowing their rights as citizens makes foreign workers and peasants a lot more tractable. Some of them don't speak English and most can't read cursive, which is what the Constitution was originally written in.
It is a simple way to transition from constitution to communism. We need results much quicker and the foreign league will get us there. The individualistic American culture is foreign to foreigners and with the way things stand now, they won't be allowed to learn it. Marx willing, ten years later we'll all be speaking a foreign language and all that our new American workers and peasants will ever know about the Constitution is that it's some obscure foreign document written in a forgotten cursive.
Progress is moving rapidly and Next Tuesday is ever so closer.
Snoop Dogg supports Hillary: I'd love a woman president
We are grateful for having Comrade Snoop Dogg for an interview. We had so much said in conversation, but we forgot to turn the camera on until our last few questions. It was a nuisance, but we did not tell interviewee about our problems. Below is the part we have recorded.
Reporter: Who will you vote for?
Comrade Snoop: Hillary Clinton. She is a great black woman and we need black women in the white house. We need a different perspective.
Reporter: Do you know that Hillary is not black?
Comrade Snoop: She is, because she and Bill told me. Why would they lie to a brother?
Reporter: Legally and biologically, you are not their brother.
Comrade Snoop: You are starting to annoy me.
Reporter: Will you vote for Comrade Brown for the elections if the Democrats nominated him instead?
Comrade Snoop: Are you insulting me?
Reporter: But Governor Brown is another candidate for presidency.
Comrade Snoop: What can Brown do for you?
Reporter: Logistics. Would you vote for any other candidate?
Comrade Snoop: Election is rigged to have Hillary win. I need my payment from the government, and I am not getting it from
We did not record the rest of the interview due to battery problems.
Pixels movie: they should have used the red People's Cube!
Comrades, everyone in our glorious gulag here is a member of one or more Party-designated victim groups. We should all be offended at having OUR cube left out of the Pixels movie and only that OTHER one being shown! We need to start making complaints! This movie needs to be fixed immediately, or we must make a progressive alternative to it, The People's Pixels!
In the context of the existing non-Cube movie, I can understand why space aliens would attack Earth, considering that they had received a picture of <spit>Ronald Reagan</spit> in the fictional time capsule (and let's hope that this IS fiction!). And yet that doesn't make sense - the aliens don't need to attack Earth in order to rule it.
Here's how the alternative People's Pixels movie would play out:
Space aliens come to Earth peacefully in droves during Dear Leader Obama's benevolent rule. They are aliens and Dear Leader provides them with welfare, free healthcare, EBT cards (to buy tattoos, beer, lobster, steak, and other forms of entertainment), and voting privileges. Just tax the rich some more!
Dear Leader will make residual Earthling-Americans learn the alien's language(s). It will be "press 1 for <alien language>, press 2 for Arabic, press 3 for Spanish, and press 4 for English". Then when you press 4, you'll get "Sorry, stupid Earthling-American, we don't do English anymore. Learn one of the other three languages, dummy!"
Wouldn't it be just like the coming of the Glorious World of Next Tuesday?