A friendly reminder from the NSA: Clean your camera lens!
The NSA has issued a Public Announcement today saying that everyone who owns a laptop, cell phone, smart TV, and any other modern social device with video recording, is advised to clean their camera lens regularly.
An unnamed member of the NSA has released the statement through their Twitter account adding that "It's really not good for morale when you see a chick in her bedroom through the laptop, and the camera lens blurs the image because of a smudge or something, especially when she's pretty hot." The NSA Twitter account later stated that "if you are under a 5 out of 10 on the hotness scale then you can disregard the advisory."
This is not the first very open statement the NSA has made in recent months when they released a tweet saying, "You know what? Everyone knows we're watching, so we might as well save billions on secrecy and be blatant about it. I mean, the cat's out of the bag and we, as a tax-powered institution, should just admit it."
There have also been hundreds of complaints recently from all collective genders about receiving random and untraceable phone texts while at home, asking the recipients things like, "Turn around a few times" and "It's a little warm for that sweater, don't you think?"
When asked about the recent unprofessional attitude they officially state that "it's 2015, so get with the times, this is the new standard of government professionalism."
Biden, Picking a Booger: Past 6 Years REALLY Hard For USA
Biden, desperately trying to pick a persistent booger from his nose says: Past Six Years Have Been REALLY Hard For This Country
At an event this morning, Vice President Joe Biden told Democrats that, "To state the obvious, the past six years have been really, really hard for this country."
"And they've been really tough for our party. Just ask Steve . They've been really tough for our party. And together we made some really, really tough decisions -- decisions that weren't at all popular, hard to explain," said Biden.
Biden was speaking at the House Democratic Caucus retreat in Philadelphia.
Hey, Joe, we understand about the boogers. Not to worry, we all go through it during the winter season, what with all the dry heating we are all so privileged to have. Boogers are a part of life here in America during the winter.
We look forward to the time when we can enjoy low temperatures in our homes, just like the rest of the world. Then, we can simply wipe our noses of the drip that will ensue. For the greater good!
Gonna write a little letter gonna mail it to the speaker today. 'bout his jumpin' votin' record he's gonna hear my say Bend over John Boenher, takin' it in the rear today
The spending's still risin', inflation's blowin' a fuse Your heart's leanin' leftist, singing out your RINO tunes Bend over John Boenher , you're taking it without lube
Well if you feel you like it, go get Obama and bend and take it Bend on over and move on left now, go for cover and bend and take it Bend on over, Bend over John Boenher , takin' it without lube
Early in election we tried 'nother selection, And we stepped on your blue swayed shoes Hey diddle diddle goin' left of middle Like you got nothing to lose Bend over John Boenher, takin' it without lube
You're living under tan lights, As speaker an epic flop Talk about TEA Party, but it's really a bunch of crock Long as you got a tan, you're acting like Carrot Top
Well if you feel you like it, go get Obama and bend and take it Bend on over and move on left now, go for cover and bend and take it Bend on over, Bend over John Boenher, singing your RINO Tunes
Bend over John Boenher , Bend over John Boenher , Bend over John Boenher , Bend over John Boenher , Bend over John Boenher , singing your RINO Tunes
Comrades! It's about time for this takes place! Although it did not come through the official Administration Press (AP) news article, or even the official newspaper of propaganda record, the New York Times, it did come from the New Yorker.
Obama Signs Executive Order Closing Congress
If only the gulag re-education center left me with enough creativity to create a graphic to honor Dear Leader in this, another, historic event!
Letter to the 'editor' of scare quotes at UK Telegraph
To: The Telegraph Editor of 'scare quotes' Re: 'scare quotes' in your headline
Reading recently your or some other you-name-it European cool-to-Israel medium headline, such as, Mass stabbing on Tel Aviv bus by Palestinian 'terrorist' I thought I might suggest some edits to incorporate your rancid anti-exactitude as well as benign anti-Semitism and more closely comport with your target demographic:
Generalized poking with a sharp, steely object against unworthy-to-live though innocent victims on a moving public vehicle by a [splendid individual who happens to believe in the slaughter of innocent Jews, Christians, Hindus, Baha'i, Zoroastrians, tourists and random others as well as muslim cults other than from his own blood tribal and feudal sort - but no judgment, okay?] male person who lives on disputed land claimed belatedly by people who came late to a tiny plot of sandy earth inhabited millennia earlier and currently by and held a not-articulated but worthy beef against these interloper types who happened to get in front of his steely object, repeatedly - but is not a bad person, everyone in these editorial offices would be bound to admit, with a rueful and righteous grin.
That way, you could avoid the blasphemous and obscene scare quotes you vilely included in your headline around the consummately apt term terrorist.
Cheers. Your faithful correspondent marion d s dreyfus
It is a strange custom to trust in the wisdom of Woodchucks for the longterm forecast, but in light of the recent Snowmageddon debacle, is it really so different than trusting self-proclaimed nobel-prize winners and those who claim to know the distant future, when they cannot get tomorrow's forecast straight?
Islamic State's War on Women vs. Republican War on Women
It has come to our attention that the Islamic State has issued a brochure directing the faithful how to correctly capture and manhandle female sex slaves. The brochure mentions nothing as misogynistic as keeping women in binders, so the recommended methods can't be nearly as hateful and cruel as the Republican War on Women.
By definition, the Religion of Peace can't wage wars. So we should really say that it rather wages Peace on Women. Verily, these pious believers only seek Peace of Ass. Perhaps, a more precise definition of their faith would then be "the Religion of Peace of Ass."
Times of India reports:
ISIS publishes female sex slave handbook
The pamphlets handed out by IS militants in Mosul, Iraq, entitled, "Questions and Answers on Taking Captives and Slaves" answers in clear-cut question and answer format certain questions regarding female slavery, the CNN reported.
Here are some samples of questions that were asked and answers given. Translation for the text was done by Middle East Media Research Institute (MEMRI)
Q: "Can all unbelieving women be taken captive?" A: "There is no dispute among the scholars that it is permissible to capture unbelieving women ."
Q: "Can one have intercourse with a female captive?" A: "It is permissible to have sexual intercourse with the female captive. Allah the almighty said: ' who guard their chastity, except from their wives or that their right hands possess, for then they are free from blame '."
This question and its answer lays the groundwork for the legality of female sex slaves and further explains what kind of sex can be had.