NYC DOE to eliminate English due to Cultural Appropriation
In a surprising but long overdue move, New York City Department of Education has decided to eliminate the teaching of English and English literature in the interests of Diversity™ and ensuring a Safe Learning Environment™ for The Children™.
The Chancellor explained the move as an effort to eliminate an egregious and inherently offensive instance of Cultural Appropriation™. She said that on a recent Fact Finding™ mission to London, England, many of the English people he met stated that it was offensive to them that the language spoken in NYC was described as English and that to listen to it was akin to root canal surgery, with no anesthetic, the morning after a night of several dozen shots of Johnnie Walker Red Label.
Agreeing that any European Culture™ is far superior to anything that is called Culture™ in the USSA, the Chancellor returned to NYC determined to eradicate this offense from the NYC DOE.
“It took many hours of soul searching and browsing Wikipedia to finally come up with a replacement curriculum to fill the vacancy created in the students’ schedule” she said. “What I, we, have decided is that we will simply take the best words from every known language and teach those to the Children™. It’s a kind of linguistic Buddhism - but not actual Buddhism, because that would be Cultural Appropriation™.
“We call this new language Gibberish™. As we all know, most children are really quite fluent in Gibberish™, from an early age and, I must admit, most of the faculty excel in Gibberish™.
“Students will be encouraged to learn the new words and create their own meaning. It will strengthen their creativity and their sense of achievement. This will be a Diverse™ and Inclusive™ course in language.
Just wanted to make you aware of people's aerospace engineering progress. The intent is to spread the eternal, perfect and error-free ideas of Marx and Lenin to Mars and Alpha Centauri. We must bring the proletarian revolution to the oppressed species of the other galaxies.
Komrades! While browsing my state-approved website internet amusement devices I found this marvelous film. It details the goal of our beloved party for the currently kapitalist-dominated edumacayshonul sistim and it even shows a party-redefined version of our Guilt Quiz!
Komrades, we must work to make this film a reality. This is a fantasy in the camera and also in the heart of every Truly Revolutionary™ party member. We owe it to future generations to implement this so that everybody can have an equal, non-offensive, politically-correct future!
Our poor children are suffering by having to learn "facts" and "laws". What's the use of facts and laws if you have feelings and twitter? Our children must be taught how to feel and shut down the logical, cold, unfeeling rational mind. We must turn our children from "The square root of 17 is 4.12" and turn them to "Boo hoo mommy, that guy told me that I was ugly, I'm gonna go on tumblr and talk about my feelings and ruin his life without getting his side of the story!"
However, we must also teach them some laws. Just enough laws to be useful idiots, though. We should teach them the laws that you can really screw over thoughtkriminals with. other than that, if they get booked by a cop we should just tell them that they should accuse the cop of rape and sue him.
Sadly, this is what the education system's getting to. Lenin once said "Give me four years to teach the children and the seed I have sown will never be uprooted", and it appears that the four years have passed. And not only the schoolkids are affected; because of the colleges almost everybody from 7-23 or so have the chance of being affected.
Three-year-old ISIS orphan cries for mom after capture
After Kurdish thugs capture a three-year-old Daesh fighter, the three-year-old cries for Mom. Why are three-year-old orphans fighting in a war instead looking for refuge in the US? Well, it is no other than the fault of the Republican Governors.
Republicans make it harder to get into the US for so many refugees like the Daesh, Al Qaeda, Taliban, Boko Haram, and Hezbollah. Republicans call all these groups "terrorists" and never give them a chance. Republicans are foul creatures who will demonize everyone on the face of the planet.
President Obama will change that with his pen and phone to make sure these poor widows and orphans can get into our country and travel without any complications like airport screenings by the TSA. He will further make sure the American citizens who are already in the country respect the new immigrants.
"Every citizen must give all of their food, clothing, and shelters to these homeless and hungry refugees," the President said, adding that "all citizens must also lay down to keep these people from touching the floor."
We must all feel grateful that he is our President.
In response to the latest string of terrorist attacks in Egypt, Paris and Mali, President Obama has vowed to "never, ever, ever" discuss terrorism anymore, stating that "if we acknowledge terrorism exists, then the terrorists will have won."
Speaking from the White House Press Room, the President gave an example of the Eagles of Death Metal, an American rock band whose concert in Paris became a scene of a bloody terrorist attack earlier this month. "Those folks should have kept playing," he said. "When they stopped playing and ran for their lives, the terrorists won. I am encouraging all citizens: if you see anything suspicious, just ignore it and keep doing what you’re doing, or the terrorists will have won."
Taking his point further, President Obama presented his new plan to combat terrorism. "What we are determined to do is to create a safe space - right here in the White House Press Room - where we are free from the tyranny of offensive ideas, facts, and actions. So from now on, no more questions about politics, ISIS, or Donald Trump. None of that stuff. We can talk about basketball, nutrition, or beer. I've got some some new jokes too, if you want to hear them."
An awkward silence that followed was interrupted by a question from the back of the room about intelligence reports concerning the Mali bombings.
President Obama responded to it by placing his index fingers in his ears and humming loudly, saying he couldn’t hear anything due to the loud noise he was making. He then stopped abruptly and invited everyone in the room to try it and see how easy it is not to hear anything.
The President then ended the press conference by saying that ...
Comrades, this is from the Swiss newspaper 24 Heures. Tens of thousands of Australian comrades demand equal redistribution of solar winds among all planets, as well as equal redistribution of carbon dioxide and gravity.
Climate change rally: Tens of thousands gather in Melbourne ahead of UN talks