Terrorism and Fundraising: Best Practices

These are the excerpts of the NPR interviews of Abu the Lynx I made in a tent in Libya in 2005. Abu seemed very dapper and earnest, though he is, of course, on the run. He is tall, Western-looking, and speaks excellent English, as he should because he is from Indianapolis. He complained a great deal about hygiene in Libya. Here are the nuggets even the normally staid and measured NPR found shocking:

Buck: You say you began working for a cure for cancer and only became a terrorist afterwards. How did that happen?

Abu: I worked for the World Flogistic Systosis Organization. It is an obscure cancer that only catches in worms and assorted viruses. We lived like kings on generous charitable donations - until in spite of itself our organization found the cure. We could survive for decades by giving our donors vague promises, but once we found the cure we went out of business immediately. So I figured that if I wanted a lifetime of guaranteed income, my next job should have utterly impossible goals. That's when I invented terrorism.

Buck: You didn't quite invent it. It's been around since Atlantis.

Abu: Buck, I did concoct its modern variety. I got the idea from raising money to cure cancer, any cancer. Terrorism must be an impossible cause to appeal to those who are willing to pay for it, who are willing to die for it, and to those professionals who are out to collect the money to do all these things. I decided nothing was more impossible a cause than a global Second Caliphate, the return of occupied territories in England, northern Mexico, and Australia. Of course some causes have raised funds better than others.

Buck:  You've pinpointed a difficulty in recruiting armies of suicide bombers as an intractable dilemma in your operations.

Abu: Hardly! That was my opinion a while ago. Now we have a list of all people on Earth who have tried to kill themselves in the past fifty years. People are consistent, Buck. Give them a better reason to do the same thing; they will do it. That can be suicide or building a hut to get out of the rain.

Buck:  You say you're long out of terrorism, raising money for the Democratic Party now.

Abu: Tell that to Interpol! I figure the Democratic Party right now is as impossible a clue as I've seen on the planet. Of course I'm raising big money for them. Nobody wants these slobs even for dogcatcher. Yet they raise millions of dollars every month. We'll cure cancer before any of these crazies ever get elected again.

Buck: Thank you, Abu. What's your next cause?

Abu: In a while, probably I'll be working for the UN.
 

Abu? does he have any relationship to Apu, the monkey in Aladin?