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2010 Election In The Bag

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With the problems ACORN has been having, they may not be able to register necro-voters in time for the 2010 election. So I set out to create a new source of living voters that we can register.Long story short, I've succeeded in my plan to turn squirrels into Democrats.
By giving them peanuts every day they've finally become dependent on my handouts.
They no longer hunt for nuts in the grass. Now they spend their day sleeping.
When they want food they come to me and beg like good little serfs.
Eventually their children and their children's children will forget how to find their own food.

Although they love me for what I give them, they also fear me, because I'm so big and they're so small. Of course I have all the guns. I don't allow my squirrels to own guns.
But even if they did, I still wouldn't fear them. After all, they're just timid little squirrels. They don't dare overthrow me, who'd feed them then?

Now that I'm their President I don't worry about being re-elected. They don't even care that I'm not a natural born squirrel.

I keep promising them bigger and tastier nuts, but I never deliver. They may grumble about that, but when their stomachs rumble, they keep coming back for whatever I'm willing to give them.

When they were free, they used to be able to find big walnuts in the grass, now they settle for peanuts. They don't even consider me a threat to their old way of life. Instead they fight with one another to get the biggest handout. It's fun to watch them squabble over the crumbs.


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Thanks for explaining to the collective the story behind the progressyve children's book "Why Mommy is a Democrat." Its author, Jeremy Zilber, never mentions the existence of a prequel. But there's also a sequel, written by our friends at The Dick List.

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Red Square wrote:Thanks for explaining to the collective the story behind the progressyve children's book "Why Mommy is a Democrat."

Shovel ready squirrel says "Glad to be of service to the collective, may I have a peanut please?"

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(sniff, sniff) This is such a truly inspiring narrative, Comrade (honk!) The Party will save the poor squirrels from a life of freedom and self-reliance and supply them with everything the Party decides they need. And all the Party asks in return is complete subservience. How generous.... It makes me want to cry. Now wonder mommy is a Democrat (sniff, sniff.)

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Comrade Whoopie,

Your provision of communal nutrition to our four-legged fellow voters is a model of Party thought. I am glad that you did take the option I did in college of feeding one squirrel that lived in branches reaching over my flat. I fed Comrade Nuts pernicious opiate-like Red State food: Saltines, Twizzlers, and a few other things. Comrade Nuts disappeared once it got cold, which is near voting season (so perhaps I did my duty), but he reappeared in spring, all mangy. I think a People's Death Panel felt his pain as much as it needed to be felt.

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Comrades,

It has just struck me--well, hours after watching Gray Lady Down--that the reactionary actor Charlton Heston once talked about something being pried from "[his] cold dead hands." Did our comrades in ACORN do that with his vote, past and future, for Obama?

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Comrade_Tovarich wrote:Comrades,

It has just struck me--well, hours after watching Gray Lady Down--that the reactionary actor Charlton Heston once talked about something being pried from "[his] cold dead hands." Did our comrades in ACORN do that with his vote, past and future, for Obama?
I believe Comrade Heston was referring to his shovel when he uttered those famous "dead hands" words. He was a Hero of the StateTM and as soon as our Text Book CzarTM can complete his project you will be able to read about Comrade Heston's glorious history.

PS: Comrade Whoopie has certainly captured the spirit of our cause in her menagerie. Hats off to Comrade Whoopie.
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Simply glorious! We must now work on enlisting the chipmunks, rabbits, voles, mice, rats, and guppies.

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Comrades,

As you will recall, I purposed a new award, as some of us felt the the Nobel Prize was too Bourgeois and just was not what is used to be.

Naturally; The board will need to convene, but we may have our first recipient of the Prestigious "Special Comrade Unit Merit Award, given in a bag, for short SCUM BAG.

I feel confident, So Comrade Whoopie congratulations! You will be the first to be able to call yourself a SCUM BAG Award Recipient. An extra ration of beets will be provided as well.



Commissar Red Star CEO Hemlock Hospitalityä INC
Director of Kicking Doors at Midnight
Keeper of the sacred Plasma Cutter
Herdsman of Rainbow Farting Unicorns
Defender of the Faith.
Going Galt

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ThePeoplesComrade wrote:
PS: Comrade Whoopie has certainly captured the spirit of our cause in her menagerie.

I must confess, I'm a prog of penis. Not that there's anything wrong with being a penis challenged prog. They are just as equal in every "measure" except for the penis part which means nothing.

Which is why I support breast cancer awareness, because it serves to remind us of the inequality of gender based health concerns.

For equality sake, we must totally ignore all gender specific health issues.

On second thought, maybe I should just shut up before Pinkie takes a shovel to me.

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Colonel 7.62 wrote:Simply glorious! We must now work on enlisting the chipmunks, rabbits, voles, mice, rats, and guppies.

Comrades,

Out of curiosity, which is more equal: guppies or yuppies? I must know so that I can achieve the greatest harvest quota of Newly Minted Progs.

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Guppies, of course. They have tiny brains and cannot think for themselves.

Yuppies are young, greedy, indoctrinated Class Enemies(TM) on crack. They comprise the antithesis of the Komsomol: we are young, non-greedy, indoctrinated Reds on Meds(TM) (or Feds on Meds if we have managed to secure employment with the glorious People's Government(TM)).


 
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