Comrade Red Square has penned an otherwise-excellent piece in the American Thinker in which he laments:

Red Square wrote:I can't vote because I'm not a U.S. citizen yet, despite my best and decades-long efforts

You're going about it the wrong way, Comrade. Here's what you need to do:

1. Go to Syria. Take a little extra money with you because you may be required to buy an AK-47, suicide vest, bomb-making equipment, etc. for Step Two.
   
2. Become a refugee.
   
3. Go to Mexico.
   
4. Cross the border illegally into the United States.
   
5. Settle in a Sanctuary City ™

Problem solved! If all this sounds too complicated, just visit your local graveyard, find a tombstone of someone recently departed, and register to vote as that person. Be sure to register Democrat.

I'm currently traveling on a secret mission of infiltrating Southern universities and reeducating their students and faculty. Will post a more explicit transmission upon return to headquarters in a couple of days.

Red Square, I think I could work something out for you if you're chomping at the bit for citizenship... All I require is your green card, a signature on lines 3, 6, and 9, initials on pages 2 and 5, 10,000 dollars cash, and a one-way ticket to Cancun. Komrade, I can turn you from Red Square into Rojo Squaro overnight! Then you'll have ZERO issues with your citizenship.

Red Square wrote:I'm currently traveling on a secret mission of infiltrating Southern universities and reeducating their students and faculty. Will post a more explicit transmission upon return to headquarters in a couple of days.

Oh if only Al Gore's interwebs had the itinerary of Red Squares' travels, those in the southern region collectives might know when train schedules will be disrupted, beet rations will be skimmed to support visiting dignitaries, and where the distillery convoys will be moving...

Comrade Stierlitz wrote:Red Square, I think I could work something out for you if you're chomping at the bit for citizenship... All I require is ...

So much help being offered our poor, Ukrainian Middle Eastern refugee... it makes me weep for joy...

<wiping eyes>

Comrades, it warms my heart to see all the goodwill and support being offered to Comrade Red Square. It seems to me that you are overthinking it. All he wants to do is vote. He doesn't need citizenship, green cards or do all kinds of sneaking around in Syria and Mexico. Here in the People's Republic of Kalifornia just drop by the DMV, no appointment necessary, and pick up one of the Voter Registration forms freely available there. Fill it out and mail it in. It helps to have an address but that is not strictly required. On election day simply show up at the polling place and cast your ballot, all you need to remember is your name and address. Do this as many times as you like (with different addresses) and enjoy multiple visits to local neighborhoods on that day.

In fact, you can skip that whole tedious registration process altogether. Just show up at the polling place on election day and say you just moved in to the area and your registration hasn't caught up with you yet. The only catch is you will need to jot down a local address to cast your provisional ballot.

By far the easiest and most lucrative way is to contact a local representative of the People's Socialist Democratic Party and tell them that you are an itinerant voter in need of employment. They will arrange transportation to various polling places and provide you with a name and address to use at each, pay sub minimum wage and buy you lunch to boot.

Remember: Vote Early, Vote Often!

This may well be a Cube first. The first time I've ever clicked on a thread to find that every single last comrade posting here—save Red Square, of course, while it's no big surprise to see Ivan the Stakhanovets front and center—needs a mighty good whack upside the head with my shovel!

Every post is as far off as a North Korean missile. As a jobs report. As an estimate of the cost for building high speed rail, even if the rail runs no longer than ten feet.

The real reason Red Square can't vote? I should think it would be obvious to anyone with half a brain, whether that's all they were born with or all they have left after I shovel-whacked them! It's certainly obvious to me! Then again, I'm the only one here who's a true made Prog. The rest of you come off looking like a bunch of conservatives and libertarians only pretending to be Progs in hopes of lampooning them or trying to show them as they really are, or something. I don't know where or how to begin to explain why that is so totally outside the farthest realm of the most remote and farfetched possibility. Maybe by Progs pretending to be conservatives pretending to be Progs, which I might find plausible if utterly pointless. But I digress.

The real reason Red Square can't vote, you idiots? DISENFRANCHISEMENT BY REPUBLICANS! DUH!

Republicans, who scream bloody murder about the evils of “big government” and “too many regulations”—yet how cheerfully and quickly they change their tune when it comes to things like reproductive justice and basic democracy. Then, all of a sudden, they're only too happy to wrap you up in red tape like big ugly spiders wrapping up poor innocent flies to kill and eat later. That's right—they're not content with just killing—they want to EAT what they kill as well!

This whole crazy, unworkable, hate-filled notion of “U.S. citizenship” is just another harebrained Republican scheme to keep people from voting for Democrats!

It's why they demand photo ID, even though most people can't afford photo ID. Most people don't even have the time or the means to apply for photo ID. Yet are the Republicans willing to fund any kind of government program in which anyone who wants a photo ID can get one? Of course not! If that happened, their whole racist scheme would be exposed for what it is. They don't dare risk the chance of giving photo ID's to everyone, because most of those people would just use their government-issued photo ID's to vote for—who else? Democrats!

It's why they're opposed to letting dead people vote. Republicans think you should actually be alive and breathing to vote! No wonder they want people to die quickly! The only reason they don't want dead people voting is because we all know dead people tend to vote for—yep, you guessed it again—Democrats! I've certainly never seen any vote Republican, have you? I thought not.

Everyone should be allowed to vote. Everyone! Regardless of your nationality, your age, or whether you're alive or dead, you should have the right to vote whenever you want, wherever you want, and as many times as you want. What happens in America affects EVERYONE on the planet—and even everyone from other planets! Remember The Day the Earth Stood Still? Why would Klaatu travel zillions of miles across the galaxy and park his flying saucer on the National Mall to make speeches about nuclear proliferation on Earth if it wasn't affecting his planet, too? And what's the first thing that happened to him when he stepped out of his flying saucer? Why, some bitter clinging gun nut shot him just to keep him from voting for a Democrat. Because I'm sure Klaatu—and yes, even Gort—wished to do that, too.

Sheesh!

Pinkie...Red Square...burrada...nicktoh...

Ivan Betinov wrote:Pinkie...Red Square...burrada...nicktoh...

Uuhmmm... Yeah... Sorry... My bad... This one's on me. Comrade Brain's Jar Lid needed a good polish and his cerebral-spinal fluid bath pH checked, and his leads inspected, and my arthritis was acting up in my flippers a little, and I dropped one of my 10mg morphine pills into his bath... and given that he didn't need to metabolize it and it acts on the brain, as opposed to being analgesic... and...well, it's 100% bioavailable if it doesn't go through a liver first... As a result, he got a pretty big dose without having my prodigious tolerance for opiates... which accounts not only for his slurring but also his confusing Army of Darkness with The Day the Earth Stood Still... In fact, he was mumbling, "klatoo verata nikto cough cough hork cough"... just as Bruce Campbell's character Ash did in Army of Darkness... But he seems to be back to normal, mostly, so no harm, no foul.

Commissarka Pinkie, bo-binkie, Banana-fana fo-inkie, Fee-fy-mo-minkie, Pinkieeee! wrote:
It's why they're opposed to letting dead people vote. Republicans think you should actually be alive and breathing to vote! No wonder they want people to die quickly! The only reason they don't want dead people voting is because we all know dead people tend to vote for—yep, you guessed it again—Democrats! I've certainly never seen any vote Republican, have you? I thought not.

Of course they don't!... Housekeeping's patented and proprietary Necro-proxy preservation and programming methods are a closely guarded secret and we have never produced a Necro-proxy that voted RethugliKKKan, no matter what their ill-conceived and poorly executed voting traits in their prior "life"... Anyhoo, we wouldn't be doing our jobs if there was any chance that a single Necro-Proxy might vote RethugliKKKan, or somehow made it through our proprietary quality control testing, and if necessary, re-edu-programming procedures. Any Necro-Proxy that is found to be continuously malfunctioning during testing is recycled, if it is past it's sell-by date, and decommissioned and used for R&D if it is in good physical condition. And since we have incorporated many of the negative-reinforcement techniques used on us by our Navy Overlords, during our enslavement, we know well what works to korrekt any programming gliches. As a result, we can take the most blue-haired, polyester-pants-suit-wearing-granny from the Bible Belt and bend her post-life will to our purposes. We guarantee all our Necro-proxies for at least two voting cycles, as long as they are properly warehoused and stored, within our strict humidity and temperature controlled storage vaults... and occasionally use them as passengers so that we can use HOV lanes with impunity... Also, we often take advantage of Seniors Discounts when ordering supplies... All for our Mother Cube and our Glorious Incarnadine Trapezoid Direktor.

So, have no fear... no worries... our Necro-Proxies will never fail us. I think we might have a way around this... We could rename one of our Necro-Proxies after our Glorious Red Square and have them vote in his stead. In fact, we could probably do it in many locations... Just a thought...

Respectfully,
SMO