As a result, despite the growing unemployment during the first six months of Mr. Obama’s presidency, the Administration can easily point out that the jobless claims are misleading, and that the Stimulus Package has saved or created 1.6 million jobs. “And if that doesn’t have the desired effect, we can always revise the figures upward,” added Montego. “We have truly struck the mother lode of improbable statistics.”
Mr. Emmanuel’s ass is a welcome asset for the party, as the previous source of unsubstantiated statistics, Lenin’s ass, has been almost entirely mined out. Heavy usage during the last decade of the Soviet Union and over eight years of the Clinton Administration strained Lenin’s ass almost to the point of depletion, as the accompanying photo amply demonstrates.
“We did face some lean years right at the turn of the century,” chuckled Montego, “none of our statistics seemed to gather any traction.” In point of fact, the only numbers that performed with any kind of consistency until 2007, were pulled from former vice-president Al Gore’s ass and devoted to the narrow spectrum of Climate Change (formerly known as Global Warming). “Sure, Al could really wow the Mother Gaia crowd, but he was pure poison when it came to getting elected.” Despite the former vice-president’s almost life-like appearance, his grating delivery style and soporific effect rendered his usefulness to the Party virtually nil.
This changed in the presidential campaign of 2007, as Mr. Emmanuel’s value to the Party surged to the fore. “I really can’t explain it,” asserted Montego, “every number we pull from his ass is like gold when we plug it into the teleprompter. Take a look at this,” he said, reaching into a large bowl of brown, nugget-like objects on his desk. “We’re coming up on Socialized Health Care in Congress,” he said, cracking the nugget sharply against the edge of his desk and pulling a tightly rolled strip of paper from it. “Did you know that…let’s see here… ‘537 million American school children do not have adequate insurance coverage due to the fascist policies of the Bush administration?’ Can you just imagine the kind of support we can drum up for ObamaCare with numbers like that?”
If some numbers appear bloated, there's always a sufficient supply of supplements at Crazy Ivan Betinov's Stalin Storehouse!
- "Beano Justice" all-equalizing supplement tablets
- "Maalox Marx" anti-capitalist chewable tablets (Marion-Berry-flavored)
- "Digestive Advantage" capsules for Irritable Statistics Syndrome
- "Stop National Defense" non-staining formula
- "Little Timmy's" gripe water
... and last but not least ...
- "Nature's Way" organic multisymptom snake oil that is anti-gas, anti-diesel, anti-hydro, anti-coal, and anti-nuclear! Great for all lovers and champions of extra-strength wind power.
I'm getting ready for a trip and have no time to photoshop this or to format the above post properly. Perhaps in my absence the collective will take care of all the Party-compliant visual agitation.
Bob 'The Gulag' Belvedere
http://www.thecampofthesaints.com/2009. ... 5854341521
in the name of the glorious struggle!