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Bergdahl Award for Innovative and Nontraditional Heroism

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Comrades, as 2015 draws to a close, I feel that it may be appropriate to recognize a few of the year's most deserving progressive heroes. This is important, not only to draw attention to often overlooked achievements, but also to inspire those who will carry the banner in 2016.

I respectfully suggest that we create a prestigious award, and that it be named in honor of Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl. As you may know, Sgt. Bergdahl voluntarily and peacefully served in Afghanistan long after the withdrawal of other US forces, and in doing so secured the release of five unjustly detained prisoners from Guantanamo Bay.

In this spirit, I submit my list of nominees for the Bergdahl Award for Innovative and Nontraditional Heroism, and invite you to nominate other inspiring progressives that developed unique ways to move the country, and the world, forward towards Next Tuesday.

  1. President Obama: I know that you're all itching to nominate Dear Leader, but if everyone nominated Him, we'd miss out on some excellent non-Obama candidates. So I nominate Him on behalf of everyone in the Cube. The fact that I was the first makes me only slightly more equal than everyone else.
  1. John Kerry: The Secretary of State delivered hundreds of billions of dollars in economic power to the Islamic Republic of Iran, and turned an enemy into a friend. No longer will we need fear the threat of a nuclear Iran, or Iranian support of global terrorism. All is now well.
  2. Caitlyn Jenner: Do I have to draw you a diagram? She did everything short of chopping off her "gold medals" and at once became both a victim, and a symbol that we can all rise above the state that we were born into. That's one small snip for a man, one giant corset for progress.
  3. Cecile Richards: This is a perfect example of why creating this award is so crucial. You may not immediately recognize her by name, but her passionate testimony before Congress is almost solely responsible for ensuring that Planned Parenthood continues to suckle at the teat while would-be children do not.
  4. Anthony Kennedy: Justice Kennedy unearthed a provision in the Constitution, unread for more than 200 years, that mandates gay marriage equality. This shocking discovery earned him the Huxley Memorial Medal for Anthropology, and during court recesses he now oversees a Kent State University dig in Ethiopia searching for the elusive missing link between prehistoric homosexuals and modern humans.
  5. Melissa Click: Assistant Professor Click became the glowing face of campus safe spaces when she boldly proclaimed that she needed "some muscle" to keep a student journalist from improperly documenting important progressive causes at the University of Missouri. She is the poster child for the new charge to keep students free from non-approved thoughts.
  6. Hillary Clinton: Perhaps I most equally hogged President Obama, so I will more equally distribute Hillary Clinton. I accept only equal credit for the accolades that Cubists shower upon Her.

Your party-approved contributions Comrades?

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The editor for the rich has been giving me fits tonight, and I don't know how many times shockwave has crashed. I've already done my shoveling for placing both John Kerry and Barack Obama at number one, but no amount of shoveling fixes it without messing up something else. I'd sooner go to the worse gulag than spend any more time shoveling in this gulag.

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Martin O'Malley: For showing up. That's 80% of success you know.

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2016 will be the 20th anniversary of first lady Hillary's visit to Tuzla, Bosnia where she not only landed under sniper fire but returned sniper fire!

Let's hope they (Faux News, Trump, etc.) finally get it right!!!!
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The award also has a ribbon and medal for wear on the dress uniform.

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The Honorable Comrade Governor from the State of South Carolina in the former United States of America and the former Confederate States of America, Ms. Nikki Haley.

Her State continues to fly the Islamic Crescent Moon while removing the racist Saint Andrews Cross, better known as DiXie, Flag from government buildings.

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$.$. Halliburton wrote:Martin O'Malley: For showing up. That's 80% of success you know.

Comrade, success is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent transportation.


 
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