Comrades,

I'm in a terrible panic. Suppose the attorneys for the evil oil companies who are suing the EPA and claiming that carbon dioxide is not a pollutant get a hold of this little tidbit of infomation which I just read in an ancient out of print copy of a cookbook that has recipes for dished using different types of wine.

Here's the scoop: In the process of making Champagne, yes the Champagne of all wines, the wine workers at the winery stopple the bottle at one point in the process in order to prevent the carbon dioxide from escaping. Yes, that's right. They want to keep that polluting, horrific pollutant around which the Goracle is basing his entire thesis, from escaping from the bottle.

Here is the direct quote from the out-of-print book entitled: "Wine and Wine Cooking:"

. . . many producers make a satisfying sparkling wine by the bulk, or Charmat, process, by which the second fermentation takes place in a vat which is sealed ito preven tthe carbon dioxide bubbles from escaping."

This has me in a swoon. I have been gobsmacked. Suppose these evil defense lawyers find this out? They can use this is a court of law. If carbon dioxide is a pollutant, then why do those who make Champagne try so hard to keep in bottled in?

Ahhh, that explams it. I'm siffering from oxtygen deprivstion and thus thge light heasdedness, dizzyness, and lakk of inhibitiooons. Thannk you comraded Leniinka, for a momment I thuought I wdas just drunkk. And maay I shay you haave been lookinng qiute fetlch... flethchng..fethichin quite good heer lately......

My sweet little vixen, Lenika,

I must regrettably DENOUNCE you for cooking (drinking is more like it) with wine without first taking my advanced culinary course in Cooking with Spirits!! But, since you are one of my favorites (at least for the moment), in the Inner Circle, I will let this little oversight pass. I guess with the lame duck Congress still in session, and all your other numerous duties(?) like looking after our Dear Leader, that you haven't had the time for advanced studies.

Understandable, my amiga, but please contact me soon. I will give you preference and place you immediately. One should not cook while consuming alcohol without proper instruction.....and I am a Master Chef when it comes to "consuming the grape" while cooking!

Words of wisdom Leninka, Che Gourmet learned from a master, none other than the Galloping Gourmet Graham Kerr.

As for the poisonous suffocant known as dioxide of carbon, I hear that beer also contains sizable quantities. While some things like plants absorb this noxious gas, they only release it again after being eaten or left to rot away. I might also point out that it takes fossil fuels to create distilled beverages as well which only adds to the destruction caused when the yeast burps. There doesn't seem to be anything we can do to reduce the amount of carbon in the life cycle. Perhaps we should turn our attention to an even worse greenhouse gas, water vapor. There must be some way to tax or otherwise regulate the consumption and use of water (dihydrogen monoxide).

Comrade Che Gourmet,

Since you went off on a secret mission to cook for a high party official we will not mention here--at least that's where I thought you were--I have been rummaging through all kinds of confiscated literature that was deemed subversive. The only problem with the wine cookbook is that all I have is vodka, and the recipes don't come out so good.

This is obviously a fascist right wing conspiracy to use their own decadent gluttony to melt the polar ice caps and make their properties in Utah ocean front! Make haste, we have but a few weeks before their contrived "holiday" of New Years Eve is upon us and all those corks pop leaking untold trillions of tons of CO2 into the atmosphere! BOYCOTT NEW YEARS EVE PARTIES AND SAVE THE PLANET!