NASA Climate Change expert Prof. James Hansen, creator of the Muppets, started the figurative ball rolling during one of his numerous lectures recently when he compared Climate Change to Slavery. This was a brilliant yet easy-to-grasp analogy to make because..... well, the great man never actually explained why Climate Change is like Slavery, although I suspect it has something to do with Big Oil putting shackles around our ankles and whipping us and forcing us to buy its dirty, filthy, carbon-producing products to propel our cars to WalMart. Anyway, motivated by his brilliant analogy, listeners found his proposal to free ourselves from Climate Change Slavery by demanding huge tax increases very convincing.
Next came People's Film Director James Cameron, creator of the brilliantly allegorical (or should I saying brilliantly Al Gore-ical?) 3D film Avatar. Comrade Cameron has been spending most of his time lately pursuing his passion/obsession, the April 1912 Titanic disaster, or as many in Party HQ refer to it, "the day a People's iceberg took revenge on a luxury liner full of greedy one-percenters with a few thousand 99 percenters as collateral damage." It was at the conclusion of his TV special documenting his latest dive that he coined a metaphor comparing the sinking of the Titantic to Climate Change. Please read and prepare to be awestruck:
Quote:There was the first class, second class, third class and the crew. So you have the rich and mighty, the middle class, the lower class and, let’s say, the government. And the government is influenced by the wealthy — in this case, Bruce Ismay (the chairman and director of the White Star Line of steamships, the owner of the Titanic, who also died on its maiden voyage). And they are driving this ship way too fast, quite deliberately playing with the lives and the future of the other people. And when they see the iceberg, it’s too late. That’s how it is with climate change.
The man has a way with words, does he not?
The Central Committee has asked me to solicit celebrites for additional Climate Change metaphors that can be used to help explain the seriousness of the Settled Science ™ to low-information types who still think Al Gore lost the 2000 election. The Czar-without-portfolio of Cap and Trade suggests these metaphors be relevant to a given celebrity's own idiom, whatever the hell that means. The metaphorical phrases will be slipped into public service announcements as the Climate Change awareness campaign
Charlie Sheen - carbon is like drugs, one day you sniff too much and when you wake up your agent tells you Climate Change has fired you from the earth show
Ozzie Guillen - trust me, Climate Change is worse than saying you like Fidel Castro
Alan Grayson - Climate Change is a bus the one percenters ride on and use to prevent progressive heros from getting to fundraisers before all the good hors d'oeuvres are eaten. The one percenters want to keep all the good climate and little hotdogs in pastry to themselves. Bastards.
Charles Manson - “Everyone’s god and if we don’t wake up to that there’s going to be no weather because our polar caps are melting because we’re doing bad things to the atmosphere. If we don’t change that as rapidly as I’m speaking to you now, if we don’t put the green back on the planet and put the trees back that we’ve butchered, if we don’t go to war against the problem.”
I still can't understand why a good prog like Charlie was denied parole again recently.
Alec Baldwin - bitch stewardesses are like Climate Change, they both kill your iPhone just when you're about to get a new high score in Frogger.
Spike Lee - I'm gonna tweet Zimmerman's address to Climate Change, let it fry his ass
Ben Bernanke - too much carbon in the atmosphere is like too much money printing in the economy... wait, that metaphor doesn't make any sense, it's impossible to do any damage to our economy by printing money....
Rosie O'Donnell - Climate Change is a fat, ugly mother who blows hot air up your ass and then turns around and cancels your show!
Eric Holder - I never heard of any operation to smuggle carbon into the US from Mexico to make it look like our carbon footprint is bigger than Al Gore's ass.
Keith Olbermann - I'm the Titanic and Al Gore is Bruce Ismay, and I was gonna take him all the way to New York in luxury but his stupid employees drove me into the iceberg and I sank while that bastard escaped in a lifeboat. Huh? I dunno what this has to do with Climate Change, who the hell cares, I'm talking about me, dammit!
Sandra Fluke - If I have to keep paying 3 grand for birth control pills, the climate is gonna change for a lot of guys I know, get me?
The Celebrity Metaphor Climate Change awareness campaign seems destined to be a big success.
Panem Et CircensesNice! I feel like he's talking directly to me.
And have you noticed in all his photos, the eyes seem to follow yours around the computer monitor?
George Bush "Condi, my crayons are melting..."
Bill Clinton "Bikini season is AWESOME..."
Herman Cain "Bikini season is AWESOME..."
Ketchup "the sun has 99% of the heat!"
Commisarka Pinkie "It was supposed to be warm weeks ago... WHACK "
Comrade Krasnodar "that's good vodka, I'm starting to sweat..."