Comarades. As I was busy bringing in the potato and beet harvest today the assistant to the assistant Commissar came to me and said that he had been watching me. Of course my bowels let go immediately, when he saw that he said not to worry.

He advised me that there was a special assignment that he had in mind for me.

Now for the glorious news comrades.

I have been promoted from "harvester 1st class, to "packer,sorter, second class". Imagine my surprise comrades. Not only do I get to move to an "inside job", I am also responsible for the grading, sorting and the packing of this years harvest. Oh what heady times we live in. Why, I can imagine Comrade Che Chef with his flasing knives preparing a feast for the Commissars with the very harvest that I have graded, sorted and packed.

Comrades, we truly live in special times. Next Tuesday approaches, let us all reflect on the "Barack the Obama, and the Joe the Biden" administration.

I am very Happy for you Comrade, I am sure you felt tingling down your leg as Comrade Mathews, feel when he thinks of the Messiah.

I would like to remind you there are many new responsibilities, you need to watch the other workers closely and report them for slacking off, (even if they are not report them anyway) Perhaps some of the harvest you are packing will grace the table of the the Messiah or Hair plugs biden.

Again congratulations...

Comrade,

Your hard work has paid off, for the state. May you continue to produce more for the common good.

http://offeringcommonsense.blogspot.com

Radnoskovich, my congratulations. It will not surprise you to know that I had a hand in your promotion. I've been an admirer of your lip action for some while. The servility, the groveling, all remind me of a younger Pupovich. You just want to make sure though that you always wear a helmet in case one of the comrades is wearing golf shoes, which will leave holes in the top of your head.

Here's the secret. Grovel, and lie, and back-stab. And then point fingers. <i>Always</i> point fingers. If the weather is bad and Pinkie looks pissed, point a finger. If Chairman Meow cocks an eye at you, you may be assured that it is not with friendly intentions. He thinks you have something to steal. It is <i>very</i> important then to point a finger, preferably at Pupovich, who has been rather mouthy to me lately.

As for me. Me. I am of course the original cuddly bear Commissar, that is when I'm not impaling on the back 40 for unanimity.

Che Gourmet, how is that huge barbecue pit coming along? Do you think I put up all those stakes in the back 40 just for looks? Our Many Titted Empress is coming and since her banishment from her Throne of Perpetual Power, she's in a foul mood and wants to sink her tusks into some rare rich white Rethuglican virgin meat.

Greetings Comrade Commissar Theocritus, Comrade,I knew at once that this promotion had your hands all over it. Comrade I know that you are a man of great humility and prefer to toil quietly in the background and would only be embarrassed at my public thanks. You are truly a man of great mettle comrade and I am thankful that the people have great men such as yourself working for the collective good. I will not let you down comrade.

Not at all, Radnoskovich, not at all. There is one thing to remember, though, in the collective. It's the debts that you rack up.

By the way, I find it useful to remember Mae West: "Keep a diary when you're young. When you're old it'll keep you."

Congratulations Comrade Radnoskovich on your marvelous promotion. No doubt you will see many more. Should you wish to expand your skills beyond agricultural packaging, I understand there are many wonderful openings in the field of food preparation and serving. Listen to Commissar Theocritus' advice, he is most enlightened and I like to count him as a dear friend. However, do not let him pull the beet sack over your eyes. Yes, I was quite skilled in the arts of grovelling and servility in my quest for greater ways in which I could serve the Party. But the Commissar Theocritus is every bit my match, perhaps even more so. However Commissar Theocritus uses what I call NeoClassical Groveling techniques. It is a very effective style, but more shall we say, European or Bohemian in technique, where as I have always prided myself as being more the ordinary working dog.

Pupovich my dear comrade, I to prefer to grovel and show servitude in the shall I say,more down to earth way, however I have found that it is best to try and excell in all forms of groveling. Thanks for your well meant advice which I shall take to heart.

Comrades, I do believe I'm taking a bit of a shine to Gruppenfurer Radnoskovich. If there's one quality I admire in a man more than the redness of his hat, or how fast and deep he digs with his shovel, or even the amount and kind of vodka in his cabinet, it's the depth of obsequiousness in his groveling.

Gruppenfurer Radnoskovich appreciates the importance of setting the bar so low, that he buries himself.

Keep it up, Radnoskovich! Or down. Yes, I mean down. Down!

Radnoskovich, if Pupovich and Pinkie approve of you, so do I. Just keep plenty of Chapstick handy for your lips. All that kissing up, you know.

And never be afraid of setting the bar low. Because if you can crawl under it, you can knock it down for the next aspiring comrade, and while he's under it, step on it and strangle him.

You need a totem though. Pupovich makes a fetish of his plain old American style groveling. Pinkie magics with her shovel. I'm the only commissar who doesn't have a gimmick for I'm the huggy-bear commissar.

Think, Rad., for your signature line. Your life depends on it. This is the big leagues now.

Comrades all, most especially Commisarka Pinkie, I wish to give thanks for the hearty embrace that you have shown me. I know that there is much more groveling in my future, and I look forward to it with enthusiasm. I have learned much in my short time here, and with the guidance of Commissarka Pinkie, Commissar Theocritus and Marshall Pupovich there is no limit to the groveling before me. I shall show those that aspire to groveling and servitude how it is really done, of course, only with your kind permission. And comrades, if I need the occasional shovel to the head, know that I accept it with grace and dignity, I shall welcome you're corrections with open arms.

I only seek my small corner of the world in which Commissarka's, Commissar's and Marshall's inhabit. Just to bask in the brilliance of you all, is all I seek.

Your Humble servant, Radnoskovich.

Gruppenfurer Radnoskovich:

In addition to your Party-issued shovel, I would like to present you with another tool I think you will find very useful.

I hereby entrust you with The Party Trowel, for you have proven that you know exactly what to do with it.

Pinkie, that is inspired. I was going to give him a Party Issued shop vacuum, but on the evidence it doesn't seem that he needs it.

What about Party Issued spray paint for defacing the houses of rich, white Rethuglicans? I'll throw in a Cartier spray-paint-can holder with the required bling on it. Stylish street art.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:I'm the only commissar who doesn't have a gimmick for I'm the huggy-bear commissar.

Now don't sell yourself short Commissar, you can be sure I do not. In fact, I have made much from selling you out to interested parties. That was a nice touch for instance, the way you jumped in their and implied that you had a hand in the comrades recent promotion. Of course I would have done the same had I been here first.

I know that, Pupovich, I know that. I learned that at Meow's knee, or rather his foot on my ass. Anything good I take credit for. Anything bad someone else takes blame for.

It's Bush's fault. It's Cheney's fault. It's, oh, your fault, if you aren't here to bare a fang and defend yourself.

As much as I admire the grovelling skills of my fellow Comrades, I always relied on pure, undiluted devotion to the Party™, and the value of labor, not just to state but to self. "Work - and only work - can bring you to a high position."

Mikhail, I have to tell you that groveling is <i>work</i>. You have to consider what your superiors (in their minds and not for long) really want to hear. Which is not at all the same thing as what is true. Good practice is working for the NYT, where truth loses to attitude any day of the week.

It's really really hard to keep up that attitude 24/7 dodging bolts of truth that sometimes get into view. Haldol helps.

Excellent point Commissar. Some people just do not understand the finer points of groveling and the hard work it entails to do it profitably. This is the difference between more equals such as you and I, and those groveling proles that will never achieve what we have. Truth be told, I feel as if I have failed somewhat, in that recently you seem to suggest that I have been going after you in one way or another. Truth be told, I am surprised since I felt I have only been trying to heed some of the excellent advice that you have bestowed upon me. That is why I perhaps seem to be more "aggressive," less "prolier than thou" than I once was, it is because of you Commissar, I am trying to follow your lead, but perhaps I have come up short.

Pupovich, again you pass your test with flying colors. Now that it is over I can tell you that I was instructed by Our Many Titted Empress to test the groveling skills of her devoted minions. This is to effect a Fifth Column in the Obama Celestial Reign. What I have not told our Many Titted Empress, and what she is reluctant to recognize, is that if you're out of power, you're SOL. And she's SO-SOL.

But I reported you as a faithful servant and now she has cast her eyes, and tusks, on Meow.

Which ought to be fun.

Comrades, Next Tuesday is upon us. I am so nervous and excited that I think an extra dram of vodka will be required for sleeping tonight.

This is reminiscent of the day I received my, oops, the peoples shovel. Oh and Commissar Theocritus, I noticed a fellow packer/ sorter put a potato in his peoples issued overalls. I reported him immediately to the assistant supervisor. Now it's off the gulag for him. I hope I have done well. Comrade Theo, I have finished polishing your riding boots. They are polished to a brilliant sheen. I think the Commissar will be most pleased.

Excellent, Radnoskovich. For your attention will will be forgiven the theft of a medium-small potato or two small beets, your choice. If you continue with your devotion to the party, you will be issued a weekly ration of Putinka voda, which is Pinkie's favored tipple. Until your system adjusts to it, it would be fatal to have more than one dram a week for it makes antifreeze seem like Cristal Brut.

But it's made with the finest people's potatoes.

Comrade Commissar Theocritus, I think that the potato will do quite nicely. Your offer has brought much embarrassment to me in that the potato is surely worth more than me.
However I shall take it with humility. I also hope that the boots were to your pleasing Comrade Commissar. And I shall take to heart your sage advice regarding the Putinka vodka.

Thank you, Radnoskovich. A further tip from our Chinese Communist friends during the Great Leap Forward. If you and your family are hungry, arrange with another family who has a child of similar weight. You can trade children and eat the other couple's child for it is considered bad form to eat your own.

</character>They really did this under Mao.<character>

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Pupovich, again you pass your test with flying colors. Now that it is over I can tell you that I was instructed by Our Many Titted Empress to test the groveling skills of her devoted minions. This is to effect a Fifth Column in the Obama Celestial Reign. What I have not told our Many Titted Empress, and what she is reluctant to recognize, is that if you're out of power, you're SOL. And she's SO-SOL.

But I reported you as a faithful servant and now she has cast her eyes, and tusks, on Meow.

Which ought to be fun.

Thank you Commissar, I am glad this has all been straightened out. Yes, it should be fun to watch the Empress paw with Meow again, but of course, with no choice power positions to offer him for his devotion, fake as it may be. Me, I am glad that I supported the Obama from day one, never had my hopes set on anyone else.

Gruppenfurer Radnoskovich wrote:Oh and Commissar Theocritus, I noticed a fellow packer/ sorter put a potato in his peoples issued overalls. I reported him immediately to the assistant supervisor. Now it's off the gulag for him. I hope I have done well. Comrade Theo, I have finished polishing your riding boots. They are polished to a brilliant sheen. I think the Commissar will be most pleased.

Comrade Radnoskovich, you have done well, but I dare say that your groveling has perhaps succeeded in blinding Commissar Theocritus, but I would be remiss to let you slide. Of course it was correct to report this wrecker to the assistant supervisor, but what of his family? Hnnnn? Did you fail to consider that this criminal who would steal a potato from the state did not share his ill gained booty with his wife and children? And what of his parents and siblings, that allowed such a criminal mind to develop all these years? How many other potatoes, beets, or whatever did this man take that you know nothing about? All of these should have been reported as criminals as well.

Pupovich! Are you cultivating a culture of familial informers? Don't tell me that you are trying to cut in on my effort to make school children inform on their parents! I learned that from the STASI. And Honeker promised me <i>personally</i> that he wouldn't share that with you.

Commissar Theorcritus, are you seriously trying to take credit for such an effort? A culture as old as the Motherland itself? How brazen.... how progressive.... But surely you would not expect that I, being related to Uncle Iossef, would be unaware of this important principle. Why, have you never noticed my car has a statue of Pavlik Morozov on the dashboard?

No, Marshal, I have not noticed that statue. When I last saw your car the dashboard was covered by the cat's talent shitting.

Marshal Pupovich wrote:Congratulations Comrade Radnoskovich on your marvelous promotion. No doubt you will see many more. Should you wish to expand your skills beyond agricultural packaging, I understand there are many wonderful openings in the field of food preparation and serving. Listen to Commissar Theocritus' advice, he is most enlightened and I like to count him as a dear friend. However, do not let him pull the beet sack over your eyes. Yes, I was quite skilled in the arts of grovelling and servility in my quest for greater ways in which I could serve the Party. But the Commissar Theocritus is every bit my match, perhaps even more so. However Commissar Theocritus uses what I call NeoClassical Groveling techniques. It is a very effective style, but more shall we say, European or Bohemian in technique, where as I have always prided myself as being more the ordinary working dog.

Good day to you Comrade Marshal Pupovich

And a hearty congratulations to Comrade Radnokovich from me as well. Indeed there are numerous positions available to industrious, groveling proles in the People's Hells Kitchen. This kind of work will burn you out quickly, but it can be rewarding (especially when you are vetted and can use a knife, but only in my presence). With the recommendations of Commissar Theocritis and Marshal Pupovich, (Commisarka Pinkie hasn't made up her mind yet, I would venture), there is a spot for you. Come down to the kitchen and I'll show you around, Comrade.

Get me those frozen rats, prole. I need to season this gruel.....err... soup!

ALL HAIL THE COLLECTIVE!

Che' Gourmet

[quote="Commissar Theocritus"]Radnoskovich, my congratulations. It will not surprise you to know that I had a hand in your promotion. I've been an admirer of your lip action for some while. The servility, the groveling, all remind me of a younger Pupovich. You just want to make sure though that you always wear a helmet in case one of the comrades is wearing golf shoes, which will leave holes in the top of your head.

Here's the secret. Grovel, and lie, and back-stab. And then point fingers. <i>Always</i> point fingers. If the weather is bad and Pinkie looks pissed, point a finger. If Chairman Meow cocks an eye at you, you may be assured that it is not with friendly intentions. He thinks you have something to steal. It is <i>very</i> important then to point a finger, preferably at Pupovich, who has been rather mouthy to me lately.

As for me. Me. I am of course the original cuddly bear Commissar, that is when I'm not impaling on the back 40 for unanimity.

Che Gourmet, how is that huge barbecue pit coming along? Do you think I put up all those stakes in the back 40 just for looks? Our Many Titted Empress is coming and since her banishment from her Throne of Perpetual Power, she's in a foul mood and wants to sink her tusks into some rare rich white Rethuglican virgin meat.[/quote]

My most Favorite Muse, Commissar Theocritis,

The barbecue pit is finished. I just needed your approval for the black cherry stakes. As for the rare rich white Rethuglican virgin meat, I am encountering problems with Central Planning. It seems that Rethuglicans really are rare (true ones, that is) and I knew you wouldn't settle for middle-class Rethuglicans even if they made over $250,000 or (Lenin forbid) a RINO. I shall procure whatever you need, whenever you need it my compassionate Commissar. Please, just a tiny bit of patience. Even if I must go hunting, my liege.

your party vassel,

Che Gourmet

Greetings Comrade Che, I would be honored to work in your kitchen my comrade. I am very skilled with the potato peeler. Perhaps if you could drop a line to Commissar Theocritus, he may well give you the approval. I look forward to soon working by your side in preparing the feasts of the Commissars. Your humble servant, Radnoskovich.

Anyone know where I can sell a load of Kool-Aide?
New OFA flavor! Goes great with vodka