Comrades, this talk of the Reichwingers summoning Cthulhu, as reported by our own Superkommissar Maksim, made me think. And by think, I mean first I consumed so much vodka, that I redistributed the contents of my stomach across the floor of a friend's dascha. And then, after I managed to recover physically, I took the time to research just what Cthulhu was, and I did it all again. Only this time I'm afraid I managed to redistribute the contents of my stomach into the wormhole, and I'm not sure where it all went. But yes, there is a point to all of this rambling (I've noted those who have already gotten bored. You know who you are, report to the nearest railway station with warm clothing and a shovel.)

So it seems that this Cthulhu fellow is pretty bad stuff. Kill all humans bad stuff. Now of course this plays right into the hands of Palin and the Tea Baggers. So I thought to myself (and by thought to myself, I mean I sat down to a plate of expensive caviar, some fine champagne, and a few other luxuries commonly unheard of in the State Stores) and pondered over which caviar tasted best. Then I ordered up some archival research, and I found this image, cleverly disguised as a video game box.


At once I knew what this meant. The noble Comrade standing there, with the TT-33, and the dead Capitalist Yeti creature at his feet? Of course that is a certain Colonel and Commissar of Time. It was a message from the past, delivered into the recent past, and brought forward into the present day, as only my alcohol soaked brain can conceive! The KKKapitalists have already tried summoning Cthulhu once before, and have failed!

We beat them once before, while also driving back the Nazi hordes, and killing millions of our own undesirable in the process, and we can do it again!

I demand an immediate five year plan to prevent the destruction of the world by Cthulhu and His minions. Now I'm told that Cthulhu will destroy all life in less than one year, so we best finish this five year plan early, and quickly. So what are you waiting for Comrades? Orders? You have them. Stop Cthulhu and the KKKapitalist tea baggers before they stop us!

I thought that "Climate Change" was Party codespeak for Cthulhu. I mean the memo said that we shouldn't panic the masses. Plus we could use this crisis as an excuse to redistribute the wealth to us. After all, nobody wants to face the end of the world broke.

Wait a minute... we may be missing an opportunity here. Think about it: This "Cthulu" guy (We'd have to do something about that name) represents a lot of the things we want. The destruction of mankind would solve global warming and at the same time see the downfall of the United States. Sure, it would mean the death or enslavement of every man, woman and child on the planet, but is that to great a price to pay to make sure Mother Gaia is safe from Republicans? I think not. So instead of condemning Cthulu, I say....

But fellow progs......I thought that Dear Obummer er ah obama WAS Cthulhu????

Komrade Double D wrote:But fellow progs......I thought that Dear Obummer er ah obama WAS Cthulhu????

He is not Cuthulhu but as a resident wiki expert on Cuthulhu I feel compelled to offer a primer.

First, the Old One is already here and slumbering deep in the sea entombed in the great city of R'lyeh, an angular and somewhat contemporary place formed of organic compounds born of the mind of the ancient and powerful ones who once ruled this world when they fell from the heavens.

Under the Obama government we have poured billions of dollars into recreating the eco-friendly yet mystical process by which the Lord and Master of Destruction created this dwelling.

Cuthulhu came from beyond the stars which is to say beyond time and space.

Like Obama he has a cult like following. When the stars align and R'lyeh comes close to the surface of the sea He is able to reach out to the creative or insane human mind and communicate with or control them.

Cuthulhu has shown a similar propensity for telepathic communication over the millennia using his powers to form a powerful underground cult of worshippers.

It is said that a specific alignment of stars will pull the ancient city from the sea floor and allow Cuthulhu to awaken from his dreams and bring his dominion of doom (to men) to the earth once again.

In my three year Cuthulhu Plan (truncated from 5)

I would suggest that:

1. First we try to simulate the conditions that will bring him forth.

2. Assuming a successful summoning attempt to control him through government regulation in this grand experiment.

3. Regularly harvest his beard for the Calamari For Africa Program.

4. Take his knowledge of eco-friendly construction using only his mind and material manifest from the nether regions and mandate all future construction be built to this specification.

5. We can get NASA back on track cheap with his knowledge of space travel using nothing more than his alien and god-like will.

6. Like other prog experiments if this fails and he proves uncontrollable or unable to meet our needs we'll simply kill him. As we have seen in our recent experience our noble intent is all that will matter in a few generations.

7. When he is hungry feed him conservatives.

Colonel 7.62 wrote:Comrades, this talk of the Reichwingers summoning Cthulhu, as reported by our own Superkommissar Maksim, made me think. And by think, I mean first I consumed so much vodka, that I redistributed the contents of my stomach across the floor of a friend's dascha. . . .

You too? But, I have not found a better way to start the day yet, so we must deal with this little inconveniences, do we not?

"So it seems that this Cthulhu fellow is pretty bad stuff. Kill all humans bad stuff."
You say that like it is a bad thing. We not the world is over populated with a large populous of peoples. It seems to me we should study all possibilities and means into lower the over population. If Cthu enjoys destruction of reichwingers, where is the problem, I ask? That, along with the new Obama Death Panels Health Care mandates ridding the older elderly, should allow us to make big steps toward lowering the population.

Perhaps my drunken ramblings were incorrect. This Cthulhu fellow seems like a most progressive individual. Also, I've been having some pretty strange dreams of late telling me how great Lord Cthulhu is. Can we make that 3 year plan into a less than one year plan? We need Lord Cthulhu primed and ready for the 2012 elections

Ok....Cthulhu is scary. Admitted.

But he will still bow in servitude to the MTE.

[attachment=0]hillary_clinton_insane.jpg[/attachment][/color]

Any questions ?

Cthulhu Found...!

Comrade Colonel, I think you are overlooking something very important here. You said it yourself....

Colonel 7.62 wrote: We beat them once before, while also driving back the Nazi hordes, and killing millions of our own undesirable in the process, and we can do it again!

Think about it. When the German Progressive Army first invaded the Soviet Progressive motherland, certain ungrateful elements of the Soviet populace actually welcomed the invaders! These were reactionary bitter-clingers unhappy about the new StalinCare program who thought they could deny the poor health insurance by making common cause with the Germans. But what happened? The German Socialists had an even worse healthcare plan (I think it was called "mass executions" or something) and so, chastened by their mistake, the Soviet dissidents switched positions again and helped Stalin drive off Sarah Palin's hordes. Ever thankful for their help, Comrade Stalin rewarded them by allowing them to choose which gulag they would be sent to.

Can we apply the same lesson today? Let Cthulhu invade. It will give us cover for reducing the population of bitter clingers and blaming it on Cthulhu. This will, in turn, arouse hatred in the populace for Cthulhu and the remaining partisans will fight ferociously while feeling good about themselves for avenging the deaths of a bunch of people they themselves hated!

Cthulhu Lied! Millions Died! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....

Krasnodar wrote:Ok....Cthulhu is scary. Admitted.

But he will still bow in servitude to the MTE.

[attachment=0]hillary_clinton_insane.jpg[/attachment][/color]

Any questions ?

I do get the feeling that Cthulhu is, and always has been on our side.

INGSOC wrote:In my three year Cuthulhu Plan (truncated from 5)

I would suggest that:

1. First we try to simulate the conditions that will bring him forth.

2. Assuming a successful summoning attempt to control him through government regulation in this grand experiment.

3. Regularly harvest his beard for the Calamari For Africa Program.

Comrade INGSOC,

We have our Cthulhu: it goes by the name of "George Soros" and has a bastard offspring named Michael Moore that lives in its beard. It's a perverted, twisted symbiosis of sorts.

Summoning Cthulhu is easy: Just create some economic chaos such as Freddie/Fannie economic/housing collapse, Wall St. bailouts, TARP spending, etc. Or have some opperatives mingle out in those Teabag Parties with "Obama/Nazi" signs, or other racist logos, or go out and commit brazen acts of violence like shooting up street townhall meetings killing people and wreaking mayhem.

The stench of such sensationalism is what beckons the bastard offspring to create "documentaries" blaming conservatives, capitalism, reichwingers and the Bushitler for all the woes and ills of the world while the "Soros" funds all the ventures and bankrupts currencies in other foreign countries on the side.

6. Like other prog experiments if this fails and he proves uncontrollable or unable to meet our needs we'll simply kill him. As we have seen in our recent experience our noble intent is all that will matter in a few generations.

Comrade, we don't "kill" failures. Failures are resumè enhancements and should be looked upon as "assets". Just ask Herr Schlickmeister, boot-licker of the MTE. The proper way to handle a prog "failure" is to raise taxes and throw more money at it. That usually "fixes" the problem until the next "failure" comes down the pike. Then we repeat the procedure: raise taxes; throw more money at the problem. We repeat this cycle until the "problem" goes away in which it nevers does and that is the whole point—or the definition of insanity.